What’s The Episode About:
In this episode, Paul and Stacy will talk about the invisible force that stops people from living with a relationship development mindset and instead continues to enslave them in a demand relationship mindset. That force blocks people from getting the results that they desire in their relationships and keeps leading them in the wrong direction.
Paul and Stacy will expose it and teach you how to overcome it.
Key Points Discussed:
- The Truth: It’s all about blame (01:47)
- Blaming someone else renders you powerless (02:33)
- The act of willingly handing all your power to the other person (04:02)
- Personal responsibility is not a dirty word (06:11)
- Fault and responsibility do not go together (09:09)
- Everyone lives in the results of the decisions that they make (12:42)
Where Can I Learn More:
Join us at the next Relationship Breakthrough Retreat.
When Did It Air:
May 21, 2019
Disclaimer: 00:00 The Transcript Is Auto Generated And May Contain Spelling And Grammar Errors
Paul: 00:00 Hey relationship transformers. Welcome to The Relationship Transformer Podcast. So today, Stacy and I are going to dive into the invisible force that’s stopping you from actually showing up in relationship development in the moments of your day. Right? Blocking you from getting the results that you want in your relationship. You don’t even know that it’s blocking you, and it’s something that you do every day, multiple times a day. On today’s episode, we’re going to tell you what that invisible force is, and how you can stop it from wreaking havoc in your relationships. So let’s queue up the intro and dive in.
Stacy: 00:38 Okay. Oh, I love this. I love this. I love this one. Alright. So let’s play again. Can you think of something that made you unhappy in the last 24 hours? Anything, any kerfuffle, or something that made you unhappy? Everybody got one? Right? Not that hard. Right? Okay. Can I ask you a question? Was there any part of you that thought, “Oh, if I could just get him to… or if this could just go my way. If I could just… then I can be happy.” Right? Yes, I know. But here’s the thing, and I hate to be the one to have to tell you this. No one else was put here to make you happy. So as long as you’re telling yourself that he or she needs to change for you to be happy, you’re holding yourself stuck. It’s not them, it’s you. This is about so much more than your love relationship. Right? This is your life. And if you only get one thing today, and I want you to get that the real reason why everything you’ve tried is keeping you stuck, and feeling miserable, is all about blame.
Paul: 01:47 So blame. The truth about blame, is that when you blame someone else, here’s what’s effectively happening. You’re effectively saying, “Look, this isn’t my fault and you need to fix this.” The moment you throw that finger out and blame, you are giving all the power in that situation to the other person. Right? You’re going to sit there and wait for them to fix it for you. Maybe they will, maybe they won’t. And whether it gets better or not for you now, is that the whim of someone else, who by the way, you’re not so thrilled with right now. And I got a feeling they’re not so thrilled with you. I don’t know anybody that would recommend that as a success strategy. Are you getting this? It’s absurd. And yet we all do it, right?
Paul: 02:33 We think that blaming them is somehow like, part of the solution, or somehow we’re imparting something upon them, but we’re not. All we’re ever doing in the moment we blame somebody else, is rendering ourselves powerless. So let me explain this a little bit, right? So, imagine this. Imagine you were unhappy with somebody, right? They totally wronged you. And I’m saying wronged in air quotes here. And imagine, you know, that… Imagine that you’re ready to throw out that finger and blame, right? You feel so wronged. You’re… you’re… you just want to blame them. You’re ready to throw that finger out and blame, saying, “You need to fix this for me, and you were wrong, and you need to fix it.” And then you sit there, cross your arms, look out the window, watch as it changes from spring to summer, summer to fall, fall to winter, now we’re a year in, you get little older, a little more tired. What really happened there? Like, here’s what you really did. The minute you threw that finger out in blame, it’s basically the same thing is as you feel that energy rising, you want to throw it out with your finger. Imagine that you reach down deep inside and there’s this glowing ball of all of your power, you reach down deep inside of you, you gather up all of that power that you had in that situation, and then you willingly hand it over to the other person.
Paul: 04:02 If this gets better for you or not, it’s now up to them. You have just rendered yourself powerless. You willingly gave away all your power to them, and you’re not even happy with them. So today I want to offer a new definition of blame for you today. Blame is the act of taking all of your power and willingly handing it over to the other person. Oh, and it gets better. Here’s the really insidious part of this, is if you continue to stay stuck in blame, all the tools in the world, all of your intelligence, all of your life experience won’t make much difference for you in your life.
Stacy: 04:39 This is why we say this is the invisible force that’s been keeping you from showing up in relationship development in the moments of your day. Because the minute you blame the other person, you’re not going to reach for that tool. It doesn’t matter what I teach you. If you decide, well, they’re being disrespectful, that’s for them to change. How many tools are you going to reach for that I’m giving you? There’s nothing for you to do. The minute you blame the other person, you could have all 400 tools in our toolbox, but you won’t reach for them because it’s their fault and this is the thing that is stopping you. It is literally blocking you and the little moments of your day from being able to show up in relationship development in that moment. Because also the minute you blame, blame happens from casting a judgment that they were wrong and you were not and that literally throws you into demand relationship.
Stacy: 05:35 There’s no other option, blame and judgment or demand relationship. So the minute you Blaine, even when you don’t have these words, even when you just think to yourself, well like that was wrong. They, I wouldn’t say that the minute you do that, you’re in demand relationship and you’re blocking yourself from being able to show up in relationship development. That’s why Paul says that this is the insidious part, right? Because if you stay stuck in blame, all the tools in the world, what will make much difference or whatever you just said, but that is why it’s because you’re being thrown into demand relationship and you won’t reach for those tools
Paul: 06:11 and then you’ll just emotionally check out of the whole thing. You’ll have no energy because there’s nothing for you to do. That’s your false belief that there’s nothing for you to do here. It’s up to them to fix. It doesn’t matter how smart you are, anything else, it all goes right out the window so it’s time. It’s time to take your power back. Stop blaming others. Personal responsibility is not a dirty word
Stacy: 06:34 and it’s so conditioned into us to blame. By the way, this is not your fault, right? We have all been trained through conformity. We have been trained, but the minute something goes wrong, find someone to blame, right? For your ass. Where does that come from? Not Nowhere, right? The minute something happens in the house and mom turns around, you’re like, he did it and something happens and somebody gets caught in school like I didn’t do it. Right? Where does this come from? We are literally have been conditioned to blame someone else so that it’s not our fault from day one, from minute one, even the dog, we come in and the garbage can is turned over and we look at the dog and we go, did you do this dog beds in the garden witness? Right? We immediately good addition to blame as if we’re so stuck in this win lose dynamic that if someone else doesn’t lose, um, Ghana. So the only way for me to win is to make sure that somebody gets blamed for this and it’s not going to be me.
Paul: 07:39 And we can go through our lives doing this day after day. You could be 50 years old and still behaving the same way as the two year old. And again, I just want to emphasize and not being condescending here, like I’ve done it too. Um, until you have the realization, just like everything else we’re teaching you until you see it, it just has the control of throwing you all around. It’s not your fault. No one else has been modeling this. Nope. When you see it though, you can do something about it and just replay this if you really want to get this at a deep level. Yes. And ask yourself, is blame really something I want to keep doing? It’s a choice. Is it helping me better? Right. I’m not, I’m not being condescending. I’m just telling you what it is. It’s just the truth.
Stacy: 08:17 And when these things are invisible to you, it is totally wreaking havoc in your personal happiness and your relationships. And what is more frustrating than everything going down the toilet and you have no idea that you’re a part of it. Like if you knew you were a part of it, you could change it. That’s everything that Paul and I are doing is always to take the invisible and make it visible. To Peel back the layers, show you what’s really going on. And today in this episode that starts with blame and personal responsibility.
Paul: 08:49 And just remember from previous episodes too, we give a story about a woman had all these negative labels about the way her husband was behaving, when in reality, none of those were actually true. It’s just because she didn’t understand the dynamics that were going on. So she’s sitting there in blame and judgment and reality. She just wasn’t even seeing the reality, which is why she felt the need to blame because she didn’t know where else to go.
Stacy: 09:09 Amen. So here’s where it gets a little tricky and I really want to help free every single one of you who’s listening fault and responsibility do not go together. Just because it’s not your fault. Does that mean you don’t have the response ability to fix it? Right? So many times when we teach personal responsibility, because I get it, demand relationship blueprint, it’s really, really deep, right? That mindset is really, really deep and the minute we say you can’t blame someone else in demand relationship, our mind tells us so that means what? Everything’s my fault. Now I have to blame mom to blame for everything. Everything is my mouth. No, we’re not saying you blame yourself, right? That’s just doing self demand. That’s not fixing it. That’s not relationship development. Fault and responsibility. Don’t go together. Actually Will Smith did a video on this and he framed it out so well.
Stacy: 10:08 Loved this video. We’ll put a link to that video in the show notes. He said, fault and responsibility don’t go together. I think he’s like, I know it sucks, but they don’t. Right? And I, I’ll never forget this quote that he says in the video because he says it a couple times. Your life, your happiness is your responsibility and your responsibility alone. See, this is not about fault. It’s all about your empowerment. If you can unhinge, and I’m like using my hands, but I know you can’t see me, like just unhinge fault and responsibility. And even if something is somebody else’s fault, take personal responsibility for fixing it because you’re living in the results of it always, right? Just like Paul said and the last podcast, I always say this, everyone lives in the results of the decisions that they make. There are no exceptions.
Stacy: 10:58 And when you take personal responsibility to fix something, you get to live in those results. When you blame someone else and now you’re were quality of life, is that there? When you’re living in those results, it’s not about fault, it’s all about your empowerment. You have the power to do this. It’s a skillset and it can be learned. So I just want to make sure that we address that too, because that demand relationship mindset can really run deep. And you’ve, I know you’ve been wired to believe that if you give up blaming others, um, then you’re giving up being the power player in demand relationship. So that must mean you’re going to be the [inaudible] power player now in relationship and you’re gonna have to suck it up or be quiet or be nice or stop fighting or keep your mouth shut or please everybody else or give up your way.
Stacy: 11:46 That’s not what we’re saying. All of those things I just said that’s still demand relationship is just the flip side is the power player of demand relationship. We are never ever going to teach you that the solution to any situation is to play demand relationship, either power or non power side. Both sides both suck and they both boomerang back crappy results. We’re not teaching that, but I know I get it. It’s why you’re deeply and sometimes it’s hard to conceive of what we’re saying, but what we’re saying is you actually can take personal responsibility without blaming yourself or losing. When you step into relationship development and you decide to keep going for the win wins so that nobody loses, you can take personal responsibility to be the one to create the change without blaming yourself or making it your fault.
Paul: 12:42 So again, we say it all the time but it’s so important and that’s why you always have a choice. One choice is demand relationship, blame the other person, nothing changes. You get the benefit with that approach of getting to repeat it over and over and over because nothing changes because you’re waiting for someone else to fix things for you and for your life. Or another choice is the relationship development approach. Take your power back, become response-able, find your personal responsibility for yourself and then the make, make the change that you want. As my wife is famous for saying and she said it earlier, everyone lives in the results of the decisions that they make. There are no exceptions. So in the next episode, Stacy and I are going to answer the question that we get asked more than any other question which is very telling. The question is, how do you know when it’s just time to leave? There’s an actual answer to that, but it’s probably not what you think. This one gets us really fired up because every day there are people all around the world telling other folks to leave their marriage. That divorce is the only, and again in air quotes, only option for them. What? We’re going to crush that shit and expose them and then give you the real answer that you and your family actually really deserve.
Stacy: 14:03 Alright, so here’s the thing. Relationship transformers. Are you ready to take action? Are you ready to take responsibility for creating the results you want to see in your marriage, your parenting, your business, your family, yourself? What are the kerfuffles that are going on between you and your spouse? They don’t need to be there. Do you want more passion in your marriage? You can have it. Do you want to be a better parent for your kids? You can solve that and be their hero. Are you tired of the drama and Kerfuffles at work and in your team? You can be the one who solves it. And leads is your family of origin, drama impacting you and your marriage. You can stop it without going to war, are you finally ready to be the best and most authentic version of yourself? You can do it. It only takes three days.
Stacy: 14:59 No one else is going to do this for you. You must create these results, but we can take you through a breakthrough experience that can get you the results that you want in just three days. Today is the day you need to grab your tickets to relationship breakthrough retreat, go to relationship breakthrough, retreat.com. We only do this event once a year and this is your only chance to get in. Hey, thanks for listening to this episode of the relationship transformer podcast. If you’re not already subscribed, be sure to do that right now. If you liked this episode, if you’ve got something from it, rate and review this podcast that helps us get a shown to more people. And I know there are millions and millions of people in the world, right, who deserve to be free by just knowing how to do these skills and these strategies. Um, share it with the people in your world that would help us move our mission forward. We’d be super grateful. And until next time, remember together we are changing the way relationship is done.