What’s The Episode About:
In this episode, Stacey is going to talk about the feminine, and how women unknowingly get stuck in a dynamic that exhausts them, makes them feel miserable, causes kerfuffle, and zaps the passion right out of their marriage. Most women don’t understand how the masculine is wired, and so they tend to expect their men to react like women to different situations, and when they don’t, they get upset about it which causes a rift between them. Stacey will teach you how to stop looking at your man from a feminine lens, so that you can relate to him in a way that builds your relationship instead of breaking it down.
Key Points Discussed:
- The feminine does not understand the masculine (01:17)
- Women judging men through the filter of what other women would do (04:06)
- The masculine is not wired for connection and support (05:46)
- Emotional spikes trigger a fight or flight reactive need in men for order (10:08)
- Stacking and how it causes unnecessarily higher levels of reaction (15:53)
- Judgment doesn’t build relationships (19:05
Where Can I Learn More:
Get your ticket to the next Relationship Breakthrough Retreat here: http://bit.ly/rbr_podcast
When Did It Air:
July 18, 2019
Disclaimer: The Transcript Is Auto-Generated And May Contain Spelling And Grammar Errors
Paul: 00:00 Hey relationship transformers. Welcome to the Relationship Transformer podcast. On today’s episode, Stacey is going to talk about the feminine, and how women unknowingly get stuck in a dynamic that exhausts them, makes them feel miserable, causes a kerfuffle, and it zaps the passion right out of the marriage. This one is so powerful, so you don’t want to miss this one. So let’s queue up the intro and dive in.
Intro: 00:25 So the big question is this; How is it possible that one person alone can transform any relationship, save their marriage, create their unshakeable love, and unleash passion, divorce-proof their family, without needing their partner to get on board and do this with them, and yet still get to be happily, authentically you without compromise. That is the question and this podcast will give you the answer.
Paul: 00:54 Alright, so on the last episode, we talked about how men misunderstand women because they’re blind basically to how women are wired, and that leads to a lot of unnecessary kerfuffles. So let’s dive into the feminist side of this. Stacey, does this dynamic show up for the feminine too? So all this stuff we talked about last time, like you know, help us see, are women blind to how men are wired?
Stacey: 01:17 Oh my gosh. So much so. Right. The feminine does not understand the masculine. And even if at some point we totally get that we’re different, something happens. It’s very interesting when we get into a long-term relationship, even though like, you could watch any sitcom in the world, and see the differences between masculine and feminine, and haha, isn’t that funny? And so we know that and yet we get into this long-term relationship and there’s some kind of like long-term commitment hypnosis that goes on where all of a sudden we’re like, “Why are you doing this wrong? Why are you saying that?” The majority of women get upset with their men because he’s saying or acting in a way that no woman would unless she was a bitch. Right? So, and that’s because she really doesn’t understand how men are wired, so she’s applying these false meanings to what she experiences with them because something happens to us and we start observing our men with the filter of like, “Who would say that? Why would you do that? Why aren’t you doing this?”
Stacey: 02:19 Like we’re observing what they’re thinking, what they’re saying, what they’re doing or not by our own filter of what a woman would do or say or think in that same moment. So, just like men, women are so sure that they’re right. We get so righteous about, “That was not the right thing to do. That was not the right thing to say.” And so women get stuck in the, “He’s being mean, or he’s not supporting me, or he doesn’t do anything, or he’s not doing what I need him to do.” In fact, I’ll give you an example. This literally just happened, I think yesterday, a brand new student in our quick start program asked us how she could not be triggered by what just happened with her husband. I lead… I love their quick surgery, they know enough.
Stacey: 03:07 They’re like, “Please help me see this differently. How can I not be triggered by this?” Right? She said that something happened to her during her day that had her break down in tears. She was completely distraught. She called her husband at work in the middle of the day crying, and he got very abrupt with her, and shut her down. He told her that he was about to go into an important meeting, and her outburst was completely inappropriate, and that she can’t call him at work with emotional outbursts like this. And she was coming to us because she was labeled him as being so mean. Not just abandoning her in her time of need, but criticizing her for having emotional needs, for breaking down, something that she felt she couldn’t control, and wait, because later, she said when he came home, he didn’t even come to her to… or even check in with her to see how she is holding up. And she didn’t think she could forgive him and she didn’t know how their marriage could really ever change, because this was pretty much how it was all the time.
Paul: 04:06 So, in this example, she was totally what judging him through the filter of what any other woman would have done in that moment. And it’s so funny, like this example mirrored something and happened to us early on in our dating, our relationship where something similar happened to me at my work. And I’ll just say just to keep it short, I’m not going to go into the whole thing. My response to Stacey when she called at the time I was a manager of information systems and I, it was a similar situation. Like I had to go, I had a really tight timeline and I was used to like people being at my door with requests and I’d have to drop what I did at and go handle that at the office. And I remember one time Stacey called me with something similar and I said, look, is this an emergency? Because if it is called 911, because if it is an emergency, I can’t get there in time anyway. So you know, handle that. Uh, cause I got stuff going on here. Don’t call me at work with this kind of stuff. Yes. Ladies stand back. I’m a prize, but the truth is, again, she’s thinking that this is her partner, but I can tell you as a masculine man without the understanding, it makes sense to us.
Stacey: 05:12 Yeah. So she just does not understand how the masculine is wired and she’s upset because he didn’t react like a woman would, you know? For the most part, if she had called her best friend in that moment, if her best friend was feminine, you know, she’d offer support in that situation. Right. If it were her friend, you might hear something like, oh my Gosh Sweetie, I’m so sorry I can’t do this right now because I have to go into the stupid meeting. But you’re amazing. I love you and I will call you as soon as I get done right. And the feminine would come home and seek her out and be like, how are you holding up sweetie? Like how is this going? Where are we with this? Like the feminine is wired for connection and support. I would do that for my friend. I do that for my friends.
Stacey: 05:53 Like that’s how the feminine supports the feminine. Like, I love, you’re amazing. We’ll handle this. I’ve got you. Like, this is what we do. And the feminine does that without any problem. Right? Guaranteed any woman would jump to her side and further solidify to her that her partner’s an ass and that she shouldn’t put up with that crap. Right? Like if she went to her girlfriend that day and told her girlfriend, and he hung up on me and he said, I can’t, she’d be like, who’s that? I would never do that to you. Right. Just like we talked about in the last episode, it’s not hard for the feminine to see a dynamic the same way as another feminine. We have the same lenses, we would think pretty much the same way about things. We see the world through the same model and then the last episode where Paul spoke to the men, right? Any man would’ve supported just like he just did. Like I did that.
Paul: 06:45 I did the same thing basically years ago without the awareness. And I would just say, if we use the masculine filter on this, because you can see it wasn’t just this one guy, right. It’s a case where men wouldn’t do that to the other guy. So we would judge it through a man’s filter. There’s a man want to go back to this guy later being like, I’m so sorry I didn’t connect with you on that and support you on that. You’re like, well, how are you holding up? Where are you? Where are you now with this? No. He would have had that same perspective of like, don’t call me with this dude, handle that, get it done. And you know, don’t bring that to me when I’m at my work. So it’s a different filter
Stacey: 07:21 and this is why we don’t allow blame or taking sides in our relationship development methodology because even with the best of intentions, when people take sides, all they’re doing is further locking in the misunderstanding of the opposite energy, whether masculine or feminine. When your girlfriend takes your side and says, oh my gosh, what an ass, he shouldn’t have said that to you. Or when a guy takes Paul side or our man’s side and says, what are crazy pants like? What is she interrupting you in the middle of your day? You have to deal with that, shut that down. That just further locks in the misunderstanding of the opposite energy. Right? So in the example above, it’s just invisible to this woman that her man is wired completely differently than she is. And so she’s going to apply a false meaning like he’s mean or I’m not his priority. And unfortunately possibly come to a dangerous assumption that I’m not sure there’s any hope for us when the truth is that from my perspective and Paul’s perspective, he was operating like any untrained guy would do.
Paul: 08:29 Yeah. And again, if she swaps him out for the next guy, she’s going to be very disappointed within a few months when she faces a lot of these same dynamics.
Stacey: 08:37 So unless of course next time she picks more feminine man so that he is more like what she thinks she really wants. So until she realizes that she really does not want a more feminine man, because everything she craves about the masculine is missing. There’s nothing wrong with the feminine. There’s nothing wrong with the masculine. One is right and one isn’t wrong. We’re different. If cats judged a dog by how well he was being a cat, that would not go very well for the cat or the dog. If dogs judge cats by how well they were being dogs, both the dog and the cat would be really disappointed with the outcome. It’s the same for masculine and feminine. You love the opposite of you. If you’re feminine, you love the masculine in him. If he is masculine, you love the feminine and you crave the piece that the opposite brings you, and if you want to stop having kerfuffle with it, you must learn to understand how it’s wired. Now, I can’t go into all the ways the masculine is wired here, but just as one example, the masculine is not emotional. They value steadiness.
Paul: 09:48 Yeah, and said definitely. Perhaps we don’t value the emotional component. We value a steadiness. Yeah, so in other words, look at it this way. When we’re in a situation and an emotional spike happens, like suddenly there’s like again, there was an emotional outburst on this call, right? There was a lot of emotion being brought on this call to this guy who was at his work, right? And when emotional spikes happen, most masculine men get triggered into like a fight or flight reactive need to get things back into order. Right away it’s wired into the masculine energy that we want to shut down. Anything that looks like it’s getting out of control from an emotional perspective and bring it back down into an orderly manner. It feels like an imperative. Like in other words, it feels like the need to protect everyone by quelling the outbursts.
Paul: 10:36 So in other words, we don’t want it to get out of hand. So we try to shut it down because masculine energy typically shows up in a very steady state. And the only time that that will shift and spike is if there’s something really wrong. So what triggers a response in us? We’re like, something must be really wrong. We’ve got to bring things back under control, or people are gonna die, right? Like, it triggers this reaction in us where we feel like we need to shut this down before, you know, basically something terrible happens. So it triggers a response in us that clearly was not one of, Oh man, it must be terrible. I’m so sorry. How are you doing with this? You can see how it’s an entirely different world and yet it’s a trigger that you’re going to find with masculine energy.
Stacey: 11:16 And by the same token, like the opposite side, when a woman has a really strong emotional spike as a feminine woman, the meaning that I take from that is like, oh my gosh, she is really upset about something. She needs me right now. I have to support her. This is important, right? Totally different blueprint. Totally different reaction. And it’s so misunderstood when women are really passionate about something, when like even when a woman goes to her husband and be like, you would not believe the way that bitch talk to me today at work, I am going to kill her. Like she’s on my last nerve. And immediately he’s, um, another blueprint that men have is if you’re being highly emotional about something, you can’t also be highly rational about this. So I’m not necessarily going to even value what you’re telling me right now because this much emotion means you can’t possibly be rational about it at the same time.
Stacey: 12:10 Right? Man, that’s a masculine false belief because they don’t have that. Men Don’t get highly emotional about something and stay rational about it at the same time right there, that single focus. So they have these false beliefs because they’re viewing you through a masculine lens. We do the same thing with them. We view them through a feminine Lens. And so when this woman called her husband at work and he reacted that way, she viewed it through a feminine Lens that it doesn’t surprise, you know, like it doesn’t surprise me personally that he tried to shut her down because that’s a typical masculine. But for her, she viewed it as, you know, he’s being mean to her like there’s no hope for this. It was her time of need and he wasn’t there for her. Like all her feminine Lens Meanings were attached to that and this is what I really want you to get from this because I, I help people navigate relationships all day, every day.
Stacey: 13:06 What matters here is what’s the story that each person takes away from this exchange? Listen Up. This is really, really critical because the story impacts what happens next. Now, in this example, her story was he can’t be there for me when I need him and I’m not sure there’s any hope for us. Now his possible story from the same situation might have been, I can’t deal with this childishness anymore. When I’m trying to do my job, she has to stop this. This can’t continue. Now my story from this situation is this is a man and a woman who have no idea how the other person is wired and how to relate to them in a way that builds their relationship instead of breaks it down. Now here’s the key. Get this. Each of these stories leads to a very different outcome. Her story leads her to want to give up.
Stacey: 14:03 His story leads him to want to demand that she change or give up. My story leads to getting a real relationship education and getting the tools to fix this going forward. So what story are you going to take from this? The next time you have a kerfuffle with your partner, are you going to walk away with her story, with his story or with my story? Only one of these leads you to creating an unshakeable love. We have tools to solve these challenges. Every family deserves these solutions. Now there’s another huge problem for the feminine that results from this dynamic. And I want to just address that again as part of understanding the Feminine Lens. And that is the stacking of hurts, disappointments and upsets. This is something that the masculine doesn’t really have to navigate as much as the feminine. And this is tremendous. So I’m sure guys, this is completely off your radar.
Stacey: 15:03 And ladies, you might not be validating this part of you, but this is absolutely the feminine and how it’s wired. And there’s nothing wrong with it. As the feminine goes through Life Without this training that we’re talking about. And what we teach, they have more and more upsets because she’s blind to the masculine dynamic. So she starts stacking more upsets and it starts impacting her and how she relates to him. Like the building of the wall that Paul talked about in one of our passion episodes on the podcast. If you haven’t heard that, definitely go back and listen. So both the masculine and the feminine are blind to the fundamentals of this dynamic. Although most of you have experienced it and you don’t like it, right? This builds for her and as this builds for her, she stops feeling supported and she stops feeling connected.
Stacey: 15:53 So the more disappointments, the more frustrations, the more her feelings get hurt, the more she feels upset or frustrated, the more it starts to stack for her and she walks away from it not knowing how to make it better and so it stacks and then the next time it happens, it stacks on top of that and the next time it happens at stacks on top of that. And the way that she’s relating to her man starts to become a factive by how much stacking is going on of these upsets. In fact, guys, I’m quite sure that you have experienced this and you don’t like it where her level of reaction to you completely does not match the level of the moment at hand. Right? Sometimes she has a reaction that feels like it’s a level 10 reaction to something that feels like it should have been a level three moment and very often it’s because she’s stacking.
Stacey: 16:50 This is just one more example of how you don’t support me. This is just one more example of how I feel. I’m on my own here. This is just one more example of how you’re not listening to me. You don’t get it. You don’t understand what I’m going through. When a woman is, does not understand how the masculine is wired and starts applying these false beliefs to his actions, to his speaking to her, it starts to stack. Now I can hear you. I could feel you right now. So many in the feminine, because I hear this all the time like, no, I’m telling you what I’m right. He is really a jerk like there.
Paul: 17:28 The righteous indignity. Yeah. Yeah. And just to use it as an example, I mean I bet a lot of women who heard that story earlier really struggled with this. Like, no, there’s no way you can possibly say there’s no excuse for that and he’s just a jerk and I don’t care if you want to call it masculine or not is a jerk. Right. I also want to say that that sort of desire, that steadiness, that we value, that desire to quell things that rise. One of the things I also know about the feminine is they love that their man can be the rock. Yep. If he was one who valued or didn’t have that desire for steadiness or to quell things that get out of control and bring back order, he wouldn’t be able to be Iraq.
Stacey: 18:09 There’s a gift in every difference that we have. Every difference between the masculine and feminine is a gift that you love and it comes with crap that you don’t like because you don’t like the differences and it’s just a skillset that you’re not appreciating. I will just tell you, cause I used to be that woman calling my husband on the phone and receiving the same crap on the other end and when I realized that I was actually being phenomenally inconsiderate and I was being an ass for interrupting my husband’s Day with an emotional outburst, while he’s focused on work and trying to do what he feels is his job for our family, which is provide, I started to take a look at myself and I realized, holy crap, I cannot believe what an ass I just was and it was simply because I didn’t understand how he was wired.
Stacey: 19:05 I didn’t appreciate and value and allow for him and the differences within him. Any time you experience a difference, like Paul was just saying like, nope, that guy’s just a jerk. There is no excuse for that. That is a judgment. By the way, if you want to remember to look at your demand relationship versus relationship development chart, you could remember where judgment falls on that chart. It doesn’t build up relationships. You can judge all you want, but people are wired differently. Your way is not the only right way. There’s a lot of amazing people on this planet and everybody’s wired the way that they’re wired. That doesn’t make it right or wrong. It’s about us gaining and appreciation and evolving to understand. So as I understood the masculine and his ability to have single focus and his need for things to have order, I started to be able to learn the tools, not to try to be like him, which I think is what most people think.
Stacey: 19:59 Oh, so now I just have to start being like him. No, no, no, no, no. But I learned how to be able to bring myself to him in a way that was timed well and a way that I was able to tell him, hey, I’m really, really emotional about this and I need to get these emotions out and I need you to just be there for me for a minute for me to do that. It doesn’t mean there’s something urgent you’re off to fix anything. Like I learned the skills of how to speak to my husband where he was like, oh, okay, that’s, you have that need. What do you need from me? What can I do? And because I also built rapport with my husband, I could talk to him about what I need. It doesn’t mean that you can’t get your needs met. It just means that you can’t do everything from a feminine rapper and you can’t apply a feminine, just a feminine wrapper to your man.
Stacey: 20:47 It’s about understanding and appreciating the masculine and learning. So the number one result of that is you can stop applying the false meanings that you’re giving to what he’s doing when he’s just being a guy. And it’s actually a very predictable pattern. Instead of feeling emotionally hurt or upset by things. When you learn these predictable patterns, you can start to see it. There’s tremendous relief in that. Like, okay, that’s a predictable pattern. I know what’s coming. I get it. It’s not about me. It’s not personal. It’s just that he is wired that way. Just like some people are wired to move and talk fast and some people are wired to move and talk. Slow. One is not right. One is not wrong, but if you’re really needing the other person to be more like you, you’re screwed. It’s about learning to appreciate the gifts that each of us bring and what happens is over time as these upsets and these false meanings and these takeaway stories that the feminine holds onto built, we build more hurt, we build more upset, we stack and the more that we stack, it starts to impact how we relate to him.
Stacey: 21:56 It starts to impact how much we feel like giving to him or how we start withholding from him and we stop feeling supported. We stop feeling connected and it starts getting into a pattern that ends up exhausting her, makes her miserable, causes kerfuffle, and Zaps the passion from a marriage. And so ladies, the key is to start understanding how the masculine is wired and accepting that it’s different. Not Better, not worse, but accepting it. All right? So here’s some action steps that you can start doing now to start getting results. Number one, notice, notice where you are judging him based upon how you would think what you would do or how you would be. This is your opportunity to ask yourself how many times you’re making judgments about his behavior. When you have a Kerfuffle, just look at it and be honest with yourself. Three, ask yourself if you believe no one else would do that.
Stacey: 23:00 Well, no, well behaved woman would. But if you want to live a life with a man, you need to understand the masculine dynamic. All right, so in the next episode we’re going to dive into the most common fights that all couples have. Yes. I said it all couples. I don’t care how amazing your marriages or how amazing you think someone else’s marriages without the tools that we’re going to talk about in the next episode. All couples will fight about this. That’s what we’re diving into next. So until next time, remember if you got value out of this episode, screenshot your phone, share it on social media. Help us with the ripple effect of taking this mission to every family that deserves these solutions, these results, because together we are changing the way relationship is done.
Outro: 23:53 Okay? Are you ready to catapult your relationship forward to the next level, in just three days, surrounded by relationship transformers on the journey with you? Then go grab your live event tickets at RelationshipBreakthroughRetreat.com, and we will see you.