What’s The Episode About:
In this episode, Paul and Stacey will share a clip of themselves teaching live at their recent RBR 2019 event. The title of the session was, “Getting Your Way in Relationships”, and it was all about overcoming the challenges that couples have whenever they try to get their way in their relationships.
Listen in as they tackle that and share some action steps on how to overcome the culprit in that picture, accidental alignment predicament, which negatively impacts marriages and families. Enjoy!
Key Points Discussed:
- My way versus your way (01:14)
- Being too focused on the other person’s white knuckle grip (03:59)
- The breakdown from the fallout of demand relationship (06:29)
- Fighting the wrong enemy (10:51)
- Household systems are needed (13:45)
Where Can I Learn More:
- Have you signed up for The D.I.R.T. ?! http://bit.ly/2KlobXZ
- Check out our programs: www.RelationshipDevelopment.org/Programs
- See our upcoming events: www.RelationshipDevelopment.org/Events
When Did It Air:
September 5, 2019
Disclaimer: The Transcript Is Auto-Generated And May Contain Spelling And Grammar Errors
Paul: 00:00 Hey relationship transformers. Welcome to the Relationship Transformer podcast. So today, Stacey and I are going to share a clip of us teaching live at our RBR event. And the topic of this one was, “Getting Your Way in Relationships”. So listen up, every couple navigates this challenge. Sometimes every day. In fact, getting your way shows up in your work, with your kids, in all of your relationships. And I’m willing to bet, that you’ve never heard the solution delivered quite like this before. So Stacey was actually creating this content for our upcoming new book, and she decided to teach a piece of it live at RBR just a few weeks ago. The full segment was like 90 minutes, and it was like so life-changing for our audience, that we wanted to share a short clip of it that was useful for you, in this episode here. So let’s cue up the intro and dive in.
Intro: 00:51 So the big question is this, how is it possible that one person alone can transform any relationship, save their marriage, great their unshakeable love and unleash passion, divorce, proof their family without needing their partner to get on board and do this with them and yet still get to be happily, authentically you without compromise. That is the question and this podcast will give you the answer.
Stacey: 01:20 My way versus your way. This is the tug of war we’re having. Defending my way versus your way. And this is a fundamental dynamic. It’s happening in our relationship with our partner every day. I’ll take parenting alignment as an example only because it happens a billion times a day. One parent is more on the disciplinarian side, and the other parent is more on the gentle nurturing side, and now we have my way versus your way. This is extremely common whether you take your parenting, your money, work, in-laws, health, eating, spirituality, the house, did I say money, time, no matter what it is, there’s my way, and then there’s your way. Yes? At the fundamental basis for where the rapport got lost, where the alignment broke down, it comes down to my way versus your way. And we’re beating on the outside of the bubble trying to convince them of our way.
Stacey: 02:31 What I want you to get is this white knuckle dynamic. If your partner has like, got a white knuckle grip in opposition to you on something, the intensity that they bring to their white knuckle grip is actually a match for the intensity that you’re bringing to your white knuckle grip on the other end. They’re pulling in response to your resistance. If your partner is a white knuckle grip, I’m more disciplined in the parenting and the household. Their white knuckle grip and pushing for more discipline, is in response to their perception of your white knuckle grip for more gentleness, and cuddling, and nurture. If they had confidence that you also instilled structure, and order and there was some system, they could release some of their white knuckle grip, but they’re trying to balance you out by the same token, your white knuckle grip on… no, no, but I don’t want to crush them, and I love them, and let’s do the nurture, is in response to, your being an ass, or a jerk, or it’s too much for them, or it’s too strict, or it’s not working, or anything like that.
Stacey: 03:59 And if we had any confidence that they were going to bring systems, and order, and structure, but with empowerment, and love, and self-worth, we could release some of our white knuckle grip. There’s alignment in there. What I really want you to get is that we’re so focused on our partner’s white knuckle grip on their side of the rope. We’re so focused on their pushing their way that we lose sight of the fact that, “I’m telling you what Stacey, my partner, they have this white knuckle grip on their way, and they do… hang on, I just need to take a breath cause I’m… I’m white-knuckling my side of the rope so much to balance them out. I just need… but I’m telling you the problem is really them. They have this white knuckle grip on their side of the rope, Stacey and…”
Stacey: 04:51 Their white knuckle grip is in direct proportion to the intensity that you’re bringing to your side of the rope. They’re pushing so hard for their way because you’re pushing so hard for your way, and each of you are trying to balance each other out. The extent to which your partner pushes against you is in direct proportion to the extent to which you are pushing your way. It’s a predictable pattern with a predictable result, and it’s demand relationship. At the fundamental core demand relationship is the win-lose. I win my way, you lose your way. And everything I’m trying to do is to convince you of my way. Where does this come from? This comes from the accidental alignment predicament. Let me ask you. 50 years ago, did a mom need to check in with her husband as to how she wanted to raise her kids? Yes or no?
Audience: 05:51 No.
Stacey: 05:51 50 years ago, did a guy need to check in with his wife as to what he was going to do at his work or how was going to manage their money? Yes or no?
Audience: 05:59 No.
Stacey: 06:00 No. So nobody needed to create alignment. It was demand relationship. What? I said go. I don’t have to check with you. It don’t matter. That doesn’t work today. Doesn’t work. We’re all free. We all have great ideas. We all have values. How we raise our kids matters to us. What happens with the money matters to us, how the household runs matters to us. We all want to send him that. The accidental alignment predicament is the breakdown from the fallout of demand relationship. This accidental alignment predicament where you’re like, oh, well, just because we fell in love, we’re totally going to see parenting the same way. Right? That’s where you laugh.
Stacey: 06:46 Just because we fell in love, we’re totally going to see money the same way, right? It’s an invisible assumption that for some reason, because we fell in love, we’re going to see these things the same way. I really liked this person. They’re the one person I chose so clearly we’re going to see this stuff the same way until something flies out of your partner’s mouth until your kids and you’re like, holy crap, but I’ll talk to Johnny like that. Gotcha. We never learned the skill set to create alignment because before us, nobody needed a skill set for this, not at home. So nobody modeled this to us, so nobody told us to map out alignment with our spouse on some fundamental areas that probably will end up coming up every day. Yeah. Parenting money, work, health, education, spirituality, family of origin, like what car do we buy?
Stacey: 07:46 Do we lease or do we buy private school, public school. What about your Wednesday night with the guys? Is that going to keep going on? I’ve had four babies by now. We’re still doing that. We never talk about these things. It’s an accidental alignment predicament. What about what happens when I just stayed home as parent? How do I spend money? Do I have money? Do I have to ask you for money? How does that work? We’ll talk about that society should one of us stay home? Who should stay home? Does that make sense? Okay, great. We never map out in alignment on how we’re going to decide on how we make financial decisions with one income. We fall into this accidental alignment predicament. We just did a podcast on this the other day. Awesome, awesome. Glad you liked it and unfortunately, the fallout of that accidental alignment predicament is often the stay at home parent and the dish defaults that the person who makes the money decides on the money like, what are the money decisions? Are you kidding me? You can’t be
Stacey: 08:56 an adult and have children and have to ask your spouse for $5 or 5,000 just because one person leaves the house to make that money doesn’t mean that that’s their money. If you weren’t home with your children, they’re not going to work that day. That’s both of your money. Any judge will see it that way. [inaudible]
Stacey: 09:19 well, we don’t map these things out, but we can real families fight against this dynamic all the fucking time, all day long. So many of our Kerfuffles, our accidental alignment predicament, we just never mapped it out. We never talked about it and one of us or both of us think that whatever’s going on sucks and we don’t know how to fix it. So we keep fighting about it in the moment as if that’s going to somehow fix it. Don’t talk to the kid that way. I’m done. Then you handle it fine. Do what you want anyway. You’re going to do that anyway. Just saved myself the trip. I’ll be back.
Stacey: 10:04 Yeah. Go back to the three things that you wrote at the top of this exercise just to yourselves, just yourselves privately for each of those topics. Before you got married, before you lived together, before you had kids, did you and your partner sit down and explicitly align on how you are going to design your lives in that area? Just answer for yourself. Did you each share your perspectives, your dreams, your fears, your concerns, your beliefs, how you thought it should be in that area? Yes or no? Did you handle all those concerns and solve them and then design and collaborate on a map of how you’re going to navigate that part of your family life together.
Paul: 10:48 The laughing is all telling.
Stacey: 10:51 I’m scared to keep going. Did you keep going on that collaboration until you reached the win-win for both of you? Did you write it all down? Did you design a process for checking in and adjusting it as real-life happen? No, and yet every time you fight with your partner, you blame them for this problem. If they would just get on board, do it your way, if they would just see how they’re wrong. You spend all your time trying to fix your partner and get them to, you’ve been fighting the wrong enemy. The enemy is not your partner. They are not wrong. They’re just a free human being who has ideas and fears and dreams and thoughts of their own and they have a perspective of their own too and alignment was never designed and because of that, now you suffer. It’s the accidental alignment predicament. Imagine, imagine this for a minute for real. I want you to go there with me. Imagine if I told you that the solution to all three of those fights was to just do it the way your partner wants it done. That’s it. Just do it. Whatever they want their way. That’s the answer for all three for the rest of your life. How do you feel? You give up your way and give them their way. Really feel it. You’re trapped. You’ll be doing it their way. For the rest of your days. How does that feel? Do you love them more as the days go on?
Stacey: 12:35 Do you feel great about it? Do you think you could live 100% in congruent IC doing it their way even when they’re not around and yet that’s what you want them to do for you, right? You want them to do it your way, even when you’re not around. You want them to love you more as the days go on and you want them to be grateful for being with you. It’s not your partner. In all seriousness, you could swap this partner out with the next one. You’re going to have the same dynamic. You’ve been fighting the wrong enemy. It’s just an accidental alignment predicament. Alignment is not demanded. It’s created. You seek it and you build upon it to create more of it. Collaboration to create alignment is a skillset and it can be learned. You laugh at the questions about designing that area of your life with your partner.
Stacey: 13:41 Paul and I have done it in every single area of our family life and it is written down and we didn’t stop until we were done. And that may sound like an intense amount of work, but guess what? I’ve got six years to go and I’m free because we did it. Now we live in it and p s we did it 1520 years ago. So I’m already like 1520 years in. It’s sweet. It’s worth it. Alignment design needs to happen for each area of your marriage, your parenting and your household. If you really want the dream that you have for your family, whether it’s this spouse or the next one, don’t matter. Household systems are needed. No one ever tells us this. No one ever tells us that we need a system for laundry and where it’s going to be and who’s going to pick it up and who’s not going to pick it up and communicate that clearly.
Stacey: 14:43 So everyone in the house understands how laundry works. So everyone can take personal responsibility and we don’t have to be the police all day. Pick it up. Don’t leave your socks there. Why am I picking this stuff up again? Don’t get overwhelmed with the right tools. Every job is doable. The beauty of alignment is that you’re creating a foundation. You get to live in for a lifetime. You can choose not to do it and you’ll be fighting on the fly and you’re accidental alignment predicament on all of these topics until one of you gets fed up.
Paul: 15:21 Hi. So hopefully you really enjoyed that clip and you got a little inside sneak peek as to what was going on and now we need some action steps, right? So number one, what can you start doing right now? Number one is clarity. Where in your life is the accidental alignment predicament impacting your marriage and family? Write it down and make that list. Number two, shift. Now that you can see it, right, you could see it with new eyes. Instead of fighting with your partner, shift your perspective and realize that it was a lack of alignment. That was the bad guy here. And number three, action. Get the tools and strategies from the relationship development toolbox to start creating this alignment and solving these challenges for your family. Okay, so on the next podcast we’re going to share a question and answer from the laser coaching segment at the RBR live event and that one we answered the question, what do I do when my partner says something to the kids that I do not agree with and how do I fix it?
Stacey: 16:24 Alright, so if you love this podcast, take a screenshot of your phone and share it. If you’re ready to dive into the relationship development toolbox, join one of our programs, come to a live event. I’ll drop links for that in the show notes, or for more information, you can actually visit us at www.RelationshipDevelopment.org/Programs or RelationshipDevelopment.org/Events, and you can get more info on how you can get these tools and strategies to start doing this for your family. Until next time, remember, together we’re changing the way relationship is done.
Outro: 17:01 Hey, would you like to get big results in your relationships in just 10 seconds a day? If so, then subscribe to our daily inspiration for relationship transformers or the D.I.R.T at www.MartinoPodcast.com/DIRT.