21: When Your Spouse Tells The Kids Something You Do Not Agree With

21: When Your Spouse Tells The Kids Something You Do Not Agree With

What’s The Episode About:

In this episode, Paul and Stacey will share a clip from the Relationship Breakthrough Retreat during the live Q&A segment. A woman got up to ask a question about what she can do when her spouse tells their kids something that she absolutely does not agree with.

Has that ever happened to you? Of course, it has! 

Well, Paul and Stacey’s answer on how to solve this might surprise you, but it will surely give you some great actionable tips on how to implement impactful relationship development parenting and teach your kids how to navigate life the right way.

Key Points Discussed: 

  • Using relationship development to release your triggers (01:14)
  • The road map to collaboration (02:35)
  • Teaching kids to navigate moments from relationship development (04:42)
  • Triggers are necessary for growth to take place (10:31)
  • Getting curious about your partner’s perspective (12:21)

Where Can I Learn More:

When Did It Air:

September 12, 2019

Episode Transcript:

Disclaimer:  The Transcript Is Auto-Generated And May Contain Spelling And Grammar Errors


Paul:               00:00 Hey relationship transformers. Welcome to the Relationship Transformer podcast. And today, Stacey and I are going to share a clip of something that happened at the Relationship Breakthrough Retreat this past year, during a live Q&A segment. A woman got up to ask a question about what she can do when her spouse tells the kids something that she absolutely does not agree with. Has that ever happened to you? I bet it has. Well, our answer on how to solve this one might surprise you. So let’s queue up the intro and dive in.


Intro:              00:32 So the big question is this, how is it possible that one person alone can transform any relationship, save their marriage, great their unshakeable love and unleash passion, divorce, proof their family without needing their partner to get on board and do this with them and yet still get to be happily, authentically you without compromise. That is the question and this podcast will give you the answer.


Woman at RBR:       01:01 The question is, so I get triggered when my man seems to intentionally trigger our kids when they’re already calm, which then triggers them to get riled out of control. So I then feel the need to resolve the situation, get everything back under control again, and get everyone back to happy and calm. I know there’s something I’m not seeing about this situation because it keeps happening. What can I do to use relationship development instead of demand relationship to release my trigger on this and help everyone kind of…?


Stacey:             01:35 I appreciate how much work you put into framing that? I really…


Woman at RBR:       01:41 My husband’s in the room.


Stacey:             01:42 Hi, I’m a fan. I know it. So, I need a specific example. Give me a specific example of what you see happening and leave intentions out of it. Just what is your observation? Give me a window into what is happening.


Woman at RBR:       01:57 So the kids will be calm just doing their own thing, playing games. He may come into the room and say something like, “No ice cream for you today”, and kind of like walk off without any sort of pre-frame, or anything like that. And then they’ll be like, “Whaaaaat?”


Stacey:             02:12 Okay.


Woman at RBR:       02:14 Yeah.


Stacey:             02:15 And from his perspective, what is the reason for this? He has a reason.


Woman at RBR:       02:20 I haven’t been successful in getting that out of him.


Stacey:             02:23 Okay, great. So here’s the thing. When you say… If you think about your level of rapport with him, 0 to 10, where do you feel like the center of gravity or your level of rapport is with him right now?


Woman at RBR:       02:34 Five.


Stacey:             02:35 Okay. So this starts with building more rapport with your husband. And, this is a road map to collaboration. So, I would start… do you have your road map to collaboration printout? Okay. So I would start with step one from road map, and go through every single step with this, because it’s your responsibility to pull out his blueprint for his dreams, for his children, his values for his children, what he wants for his children, what’s not happening in the household, why he feels he needs to be the one to do that.


Stacey:             03:11 There are things that are from his perspective, very, very real and obvious that, that you don’t have insight into yet. And this is what I’m going to ask you to do as you navigate that, is drop your resistance that you need to create more order with your kids immediately when these moments happen, – remind me how old your kids are. Eight, five and two. Eight, five and two. Okay? They’re going to be fine. You’ve got lots of time, so, and I’m telling you, and for all of you, because there’s not a parent in this room that doesn’t snap at their spouse in parenting moments, every single parent snaps at the other spouse at times in a parenting moment, cause you don’t like the way that they’re handling this. Yes. Okay? Here’s the number one key tool for you. Release your scarcity of time. Release your belief that there is a scarcity of time.


Stacey:             04:18 Like if I don’t correct them right there in that minute, all is lost. You’ve got nothing but time to make everything right, number one. Number two, your kids are going to be fine. You can go create an apology. You can create a repair. There are a million things that you can do. You can outside the moment, teach them how to navigate that moment from relationship development. You can empower them, teach them how to navigate a crap situation when someone has bad behavior, whether it was mom, dad, teacher, grandma, brother. Our job for our children is not to fix it. Their world, so their world is perfect for them. Our job for our children therein is to teach them how to navigate real life so they’re prepared to navigate it when regular things happen and in real life, sometimes people are assholes and if we don’t teach our kids how to navigate a moment when someone’s being an asshole, how are we even preparing them for second grade?


Stacey:             05:30 Have you been through second grade? Recently? I have. It was not my face and so we must prepare our kids. Sometimes one of the assholes is one of us. Sometimes it’s grandma loved grandma unless she’s saying some stupid shit that I don’t want people saying my kid anymore or it’s a coach or it’s a neighbor or it’s the kid on the bus. If every single time something happens to one of our kids, we’re teaching them that. The answer is to get the other person to change. We are not training them to navigate life. Have you ever tried to get a teacher to change?


Stacey:             06:16 They’ve got like 4,700 kids in every class. They get changed to customized for what you, you know, we don’t actually use the word band-aids with our children because we feel it’s scarring. If you could use booboo bandage, I would super appreciate that. Like met 4,700 kids on my roster.


Paul:               06:38 By the way, we’re not recommending that.


Stacey:             06:42 So our job is to teach our kids how to navigate real life. Amen. And that starts in our house. We your, your kids fight with each other. By the way, that’s not a secret. You need to keep your kids fight with each other. I’m not even asking. And when they do, that’s the perfect opportunity to teach your kid how to navigate a moment when someone’s being a jerk or it’s the perfect opportunity for you to teach your kid how to navigate a moment not to be the jerk. That’s awesome. It’s okay. Sometimes I’m a jerk. It’s just real life. And so when we react because of what our partner is doing in a moment with our kids, the damage that we’re doing is way worse than the damage of our kids. Going through a moment where someone was a Dork, I can’t think of a cleaner word.


Stacey:             07:44 I wanted to use the Douche word, but then Dora came out trying to filter because it’s children and children generally aren’t douchey. But so I said Dora, which is much more child friendly. So that is the key. Number one, your job with your partner is to present a United front in front of your children. And so sometimes your partner’s gonna lose their shit. And that is not a time for you to jump on them and tell them what a crap job they’re doing. So you know, we teach these tools deeper and we can go into a deeper, another time, another place, but align with your partner and for you, the work is going to be releasing your scarcity of time. That if you don’t fix a situation in that moment, that all is lost because this solution is going to happen outside the moment. And the roadmap to collaboration is your tool. Okay, Josie, thank you. Did you want to add something to that.


Paul:               08:49 just to show an example of this? I used it the other night. It was pretty stark example. Sounds like it was a bit starker than the one you’re describing here is I walked into my son’s bedroom after just getting back from the trip and I’m like, we’re all going die. It was like my first words like to get his attention and to start a pre-frame for him where I’m like, how to show him like what serious was to give him a different reference point of his band day. Um, and where was Stacey? Stacey’s in the other room and I’m like, I could feel the energy is like Whoa, this is all going well. But she didn’t like run in the door, burst in the door, like stop, stop and create a big other dynamic that happened. Right. Staying out of it stayed out of it and it was addressed because it would be addressed otherwise. And I want to circle back on the other point that Stacey is making, cause I don’t know if some of this is like, I just want to make sure people are served in a way that’s like you’re more familiar with their content.


Paul:               09:42 So for somebody who is colder to our content, one pointed out is we talked about it the other day was resilience, right? It’s not that we plan, like protect them, put them into the bubble. Just like Stacy said, that’s never our goal is so that they become incapable of dealing with adversity. Adversity will happen, whether it’s from you, your spouse, the children at school, it’s going to find them. So we need to make them resilient. And if you do, just like Stacy said, if you’re running out there protecting them, you’re never allowing them to understand the consequences. You’re not giving them any tools to navigate the real world that is out there with them. And this was a great opportunity because they’re in the safety of your own house. And if you can find peace in that, in your energy, when your energy is calm and there’s someone who’s grounded in the moment, the kids can anchor to you.


Paul:               10:31 Even when there’s some other adjective, uh, outside of you and you can still create calm when you’re the one who is centered. Again, it all comes back to like your reacting to a situation instead of having mastery of yourself so that you’re in a position to influence a different outcome in the moment. And if we don’t have these adversities, whether it was the challenges where we suddenly have triggers, like if you didn’t have triggers, there’ll be nothing to grow against. It’s kind of like the body, like the body, if you don’t give it some kind of resistance or force, it kind of fades away. Like you don’t use it, you lose it when it comes to your body. If you’re, if you want to build muscle, you work it right? It’s that adversity. You give it something to work against and it’ll grow just like us as people and that you want to do the same for your children.


Paul:               11:15 So just think of the metaphor of the muscle-building, right? And if you don’t use those arms or move them and you’re like bedridden, for example, stuff starts to metabolize and it goes away and they’re not being prepared for the world. So again, there’s no scarcity of time here. This is a gift. I know we look at this as a problem. The truth is when you have awareness, it becomes a gift. And what Stacey’s telling you is a very actionable result. But I also in this case, want to serve everyone from a concept perspective so that you start to get it for you in here and have something that’ll start to anchor you into something that’s not just you working so hard up here. Okay, it makes sense. Cool.


Woman at RBR:       11:55 Thank you so much.


Stacey:             11:55 Awesome. You’re so welcome.


Paul:               11:57 Great time. All right, so hopefully you enjoyed that clip and got a lot out of it. But now we need some action steps about what you can start doing now. So what can we start doing now? Number one, clarity. What did you get from that for you that you can use going forward in your family? Number two, I’m curious, where are the areas of disagreement in your marriage where you can get curious about your partner’s perspective? Number three, action. What are your triggers that you can solve around this? Like the student who had scarcity of time? What are your triggers? Okay. On the next podcast, we’re going to share another question and answer from the laser coaching segment at the RBR live event. In that one we answered the question, what do I do when my partners says they’re going to do something and then they don’t do it? Does anyone ever do that to you? Has Your partner ever told you one thing and done something else? Ever feel like they’re lying to you? Want to know what the solution is for this that don’t miss out on the next podcast episode?


Speaker 4:          13:02 Awesome. If you love the Relationship Transformer podcast, please take a screenshot of your phone, share the link, MartinoPodcast.com, spread it around so that other families can get these amazing solutions. And until next time, remember, together we are changing the way relationship is done.


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