What’s The Episode About:
In this episode, Paul and Stacey will talk about the biggest mistake people make with their relationship development method, mainly from misinterpreting it to mean that they should put up with things or just let things go.
This comes from a deeply wired demand relationship thinking which only results in things staying the same or getting worse.
Paul and Stacey discovered that their students didn’t quite understand that implementing the relationship development tools and strategies is supposed to result in one’s partner changing in response to how they show up differently, and so this episode is geared towards teaching us how to properly implement relationship development, so we can get to experience the changes that we really want to see in our relationships.
If you are aren’t able to properly implement, you won’t see the results.
Let’s get you past that!
Click play above to make sure you are on the right track implementing the relationship development method into your relationship.
Key Points Discussed:
- The huge misconception of what relationship development is (00:45)
- Creating our outcomes with the way we show up (03:49)
- Doing things that will actually generate the response that we totally want (06:01)
- Be the one to start nurturing that plant (11:54)
- Demand relationship thinking can run really deep (14:47)
- Following the relationship development yellow brick road (16:15)
Where Can I Learn More:
- The 14-Day Boost Program
- Have you signed up for The D.I.R.T. ?! http://bit.ly/2KlobXZ
- Check out our programs: www.RelationshipDevelopment.org/Programs
- See our upcoming events: www.RelationshipDevelopment.org/Events
When Did It Air:
November 14, 2019
Disclaimer: The Transcript Is Auto-Generated And May Contain Spelling And Grammar Errors
Paul: 00:00 Hey relationship transformers, welcome to the Relationship Transformer podcast. So today, Stacey and I are going to talk about the biggest mistake people make with our relationship development method, and how you can avoid that pitfall. So let’s queue up the intro in dive in.
Intro: 00:18 So the big question is this, how is it possible that one person alone can transform any relationship, save their marriage, great their unshakeable love and unleash passion, divorce, proof their family without needing their partner to get on board and do this with them and yet still get to be happily, authentically you without compromise. That is the question and this podcast will give you the answer.
Stacey: 00:45 Alright, awesome. Well, you know, it’s a really common mistake to misinterpret what relationship development is, and sometimes demand relationship thinking is so deeply wired into you, that you mistakenly think that we’re just telling you to just put up with it, or just let it go, or just not respond. Sometimes you may wonder, “If I’m the only one doing the work, then I’m the only one that’s going to change, and that means that I’ll just have to settle with how my partner is right now because they’ll never be any different.” Now, this is not true. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again when you implement the relationship development tools and strategies, your partner will change in response to how you’re showing up differently. They don’t need to take our program for you to experience the change you want to see. Now, yesterday in our Relationship Transformers Facebook group, we had this really great discussion, and there were a couple of students who were really struggling with this concept where they felt like, “Wow, my partner’s never going to change, huh?”
Stacey: 01:48 So, “Oh my gosh. Okay. I know I’m learning your tools, but that’s just because I’m going to change, and I’m still going to be putting up with what I don’t like about them.” And they were really struggling to get this. So, I wrote this post to a few students, and it suddenly clicked, like, it went… it was on fire. I explained it a different way than I’ve ever explained it before, and they were freaking out. They’re like, “Oh my God. I get it. I get it. I get it.” And so I wanted to do this podcast, Paul and I wanted to come here today, and share it with you, because I thought maybe you might benefit from these two key training pieces. So, number one is, you can have everything you want in a relationship and more, you just can’t demand it, because that doesn’t work.
Stacey: 02:36 No one is telling you to learn how to settle. No one is telling you to put up with your partner the way they are. No one is telling you that nothing will change. No one in relationship development anyway, but it’s really common demand relationship thinking to attach your meaning to what Paul and I are saying, and interpret what we say as, “Okay, so if you can’t use demands to expect him to X,Y, Z, then I have to accept that he never will.” Now, that’s your meaning. We never said that because, of course, it’s not true in relationship development. When you use the relationship development tools, and how you interact with your partner, you elevate your relationship, you build rapport, you repair trust, you bring understanding, demonstrate support, bring unconditional love for how they’re wired, and apply the tools that we teach for how to relate to your partner.
Stacey: 03:28 You can actually get all the outcomes that you want and way more than that. It’s not that your partner won’t change, they will change, not because you demanded it. They’re going to change in response to you because your relationship is shifting, and you’re using different tools when you interact with them. Do you want to weigh in on that, babe?
Paul: 03:49 Yeah. You know it’s funny because, and this goes for it cause I know we use a male-female example here. It flips around both ways and the truth is it’s how we show up in any moment is what’s creating our outcomes, not who we are as people, what’s creating our outcomes that we don’t like or our lack of understanding of what we’re dealing with. We don’t understand the other mindset. We don’t understand the other person. We find ourselves caught off guard, which creates negative outcomes, but it’s not because you are not demanding change that you’re not going to get what you want.
Paul: 04:23 In fact, by demanding change, you’re, you’re pretty much ensuring you’re going to get something you don’t want that too. Things that you don’t like aren’t really about your partners about what you don’t understand is kind of like, you know the fish being in the water, not recognizing they’re surrounded by water and then wondering why, you know, things are the way they are.
Stacey: 04:40 It’s really true. And so just to give a great example of that, it’s so often that let’s use a guy, I’m like a great guy example. A man will say like, I’m really frustrated, you know, with my partner and things are not going the way, you know, I want them to go. I’ve tried everything I could think of and I’m just frustrated so you know, I really need her to change this and that. It’s just not working out. And really as exactly what Paul’s saying, it’s not that there’s something wrong with your partner is that you don’t understand the feminine yet. And so you’re doing things that are triggering really negative responses from her and you think she is acting in a way that you don’t like. But the truth is she’s reacting in a way that you don’t like. But since you’re a guy and you can only see things through a masculine filter, you have no awareness of this. This is how you think, this is how you would interact. There’s nothing different to do, but you’re assuming that she’s just like you and she’s the actual opposite of you. And so again, what we teach in relationship development is first how to stop triggering the response that you hate from your partner. You don’t know you’re doing it, but you’re doing it because you have a lack of skillset, a lack of tools. We all did, right? We didn’t. Never one ever gave us this training. So it’s not that your partner is never going to change.
Stacey: 06:01 They’re absolutely going to change. And I know you think that you really are frustrated with stuff that your partner’s doing, but the truth is your partner’s reacting to you and you have no idea what you’re doing stuff to cause it. And that’s what we’re going to teach you how to stop doing and how to start doing things that will actually generate the response from them that you totally want. So you can totally have a response from them that you want. You just need to learn how to trigger that from them. Instead of saying, Hey, just change. Hey, just change. Hey, I need you to change this. That’s the first part.
Paul: 06:35 So keep that in mind before we go into this next section, which is, you know you’ve been having a battle, not actually with your partner over this. You’ve been having a battle with what you didn’t understand about the dynamics that are going on around you. So what we want to do today is start showing you the path out so that you can start seeing how these dynamics can change, which is what’s at the root of what prompted all that discussion the other day, which is like, so you know, I have to accept it. He’ll never change. No, that’s not what we’re saying. What we’re saying here is there is a way and you have to realize where you were and where we want to go. So with that, I think it’s time to start going into that next section.
Stacey: 07:11 Awesome. So the second piece of training is about timing. So I want you to think of your relationship like a plant. If the plant is dead, no matter how creatively you try to get it to give you fruit, it will not give you fruit. If you want fruit from the plant, you need to care for it, revive it, feed it, water it, give it sunlight and grow it. When it starts to show signs of life instead of immediately going to the plant and demanding fruit or trying to get that plant to take care of you. Now you still need to nurture that plant. Yes, you stopped it from dying, but it’s not vibrant enough to bear fruit. Yet when the plant is strong, growing and so abundant, then it can grow fruit. Two things will happen. Number one, you can go to that plant and ask for fruit and it will happily provide for you and two, it will actually start dropping fruit on you.
Stacey: 08:10 Even when you don’t ask. Your marriage is a lot like this plan. You keep struggling with it like when are you going to be able to get fruit? When are you going to be able to get fruit or you struggle thinking that we’re telling you that you can never ask for fruit or you mistakenly think we’re telling you that your tree will never bear fruit. Nope. We’re not saying any of that. We are telling you that you cannot right now demand fruit because your tree is dead or it’s dying, and if you don’t have the skillsets to actually ask for fruit right now without the tree feeling like you’re trying to get something from it. See, in relationship, you absolutely can ask for everything you want. If you have done the to create the relationship that is ready to give it to you, if you have the skills to actually ask in a way that inspires someone, want to want to say yes to you, but your tree is dying or it might be dead.
Stacey: 09:10 It doesn’t matter how clever you are or what tactic you go learn or how manipulative you get. It’s not about some magic pill that you need to get the fruit you want. If your tree is dead when your tree is thriving, then come ask us how to get fruit or how to ask for fruit. So how to know if your tree is dying or dead. Well, these are a few things that you can look for. One, your partner doesn’t support you fully when something matters to you. Two there’s a win-lose dynamic that goes on where at times one of you is trying to get their way and get the other one to cave compromise or be convinced or give up three. Your partner is not a very close friend of yours. You don’t act the way you would with a best friend for you.
Stacey: 09:58 Feel judged or your partner feels judged by you. Five you don’t trust them or they don’t trust you. Six they challenge you when you’re trying to do something. Seven, one of you treats the other like they are one of the kids. Eight you do not regularly demonstrate your love and appreciation for each other. Nine if you had an hour to yourself, you would not think about spending it with your partner first or they wouldn’t think about spending it with you first and 10 basically you’ve lost rapport. You’re not really close friends, you don’t support each other no matter what. Now, if any of these things are resonating with you, your tree might be dying.
Paul: 10:41 So keep in mind, you know, when it comes down to that list that we just had up above, these are signs there, scientists, something’s wrong. And the last thing you want to do here, I just as a pitfall, I want you to avoid is sit back and say, yeah, my partner’s not doing any of those things that I want done. Right? And sit back and blame. That’s not going to change anything. It’s you. You’re the one listing right here. You’re the one who can show up to make those differences. And if you do, because it’s a relationship and how you show up will affect how they show up and how they perceive you and your lack of understanding. And that changes too. One of understanding to really connect with where they are and know when you can navigate that successfully, that will change your relationship. So you can choose to sit back and say, my partners not doing any of these things and blame them. Or you can say, I get it. Either one of us can do this. And I’m the one listening to this podcast right now. So I’m the one who’s gonna make that difference because that’s really the decision to be made here. So many of us who are, have grown up in this world of demand relationship and thinking that this is okay or it’s not fair, which we’ll talk about more in another podcast. We’ll sit back and that’s the ending point for them. And guess what? That will be the ending because of that
Paul: 11:54 tree is not going to spontaneously come back to life on its own. Stacey just got done showing you it needs to be nurtured. It needs to be created this way. So you’re here, you’re listening. That’s the choice. So just the awareness of the fact that these are the signs, it’s not about your partner, it’s really about your lack of understanding of the dynamics that have led to where you are right now. It’s a choice to do something about it today. So the choice you want to make is be the one to create that difference. Be the one to start nurturing that plan. Because if you really want change, just take a look at it. How successful have you been at demanding that change? And having that change that you’re looking for last longterm, I’m going to guess not very good at all. If you really want to change the long-lasting change that’s going to work, you’ll invest in nurturing that plan. You will invest in you creating that difference and you being the one who is going to benefit from that. You creating that and having that skill set for life so that the tree eventually is going to be giving you the fruit that you’re looking for willingly because now you understand how this whole model well works
Stacey: 13:00 and what I want to offer here is please do not go do what you have been doing. Don’t say, okay, okay, okay, I’m going to nurture the tree. I’m going to do everything I think I should do for my partner in our relationship. That’s how the tree got the way it is. Now I know you think you’re, you’ve got the best of intentions, there’s no question about it, and they know you think you’re doing what you need to do to show someone you care, to love them, to be a good partner, but you’re using your own lenses and your own blueprint to show up and give without an understanding that your partner is a totally different species than you and they operate completely differently. And it was just a lack of understanding, a lack of skill set of what they need that ended up with the tree and the situation that it’s in now.
Stacey: 13:49 So please do not go back to doing more of what you’ve done in the past because what you’ve been doing has gotten you to where you are. Get a real relationship education, understand what really works to nurture it. Understand exactly how to interact with your partner to be able to get the results that you want and you can have all of it and more. See, nobody is saying not relationship development anyway. Paul and I are never saying, okay, you do all the work and your partner will never change. We’re not saying that. How could you have an unshakeable love and an unleashed passion of you’re doing all the work in your partner? Never does. It’s not possible, but we are teaching you how you can elevate your relationship. Hey, you can see the shift that you want in your partner, your kids, your family, your work relationships, all of them without needing them to date this program without needing them to get on board, without telling them how they need to change with you.
Stacey: 14:47 Getting the education that you need and understanding the timing of where you are with plant, asking for fruit, demanding fruit, trying to get your tree to give you fruit, manipulating, trying to get, okay, I’ll get this next tactic. I’ll read this next book. I’ll do this. Next thing to try to get fruit from a tree that’s dead or dying is not working and it’s never going to work. Doesn’t matter how clever you are or what the next magic pill is around the corner. The solution is to truly be able to learn how to nurture it so that you can cultivate it. And then not only can you learn how to actually ask for fruit, which is a skillset, by the way, the tree will actually willingly drop fruit on you because it wants to, because that’s the kind of relationship you’ve created. And I hope that that gives you a great distinction about what relationship development really is and helps you avoid the pitfall of one of the most common pitfalls that people fall into that makes them stop implementing the relationship development methodology, which is the feeling like, Oh, I’m not going to do this because I’m the only one that’s going to change and they’re never going to change.
Stacey: 15:56 And I don’t want that. That’s not where we’re saying, well, we’ve never said that, but I get it. Demand relationship thinking runs really deep. It’s hard to get out of your own demand relationship thinking and you’re applying demand relationship meanings to some of what we’re saying. So I hope that that serves you in really clear things up. Babe, do you want to take us into some action steps?
Paul: 16:15 Okay, action steps. What can you start doing now? One, stop. Stop trying to get them to change, or trying to get them to give you what you want. Your tree is not bearing fruit. Number two, start. Start nurturing that tree. That means that you need to take action. You need to get the tools and strategies that really work to revive your tree. This podcast is not enough. We have hundreds of tools in our relationship development toolbox.
Stacey: 16:46 This is where you want to follow the yellow brick road, right? So the relationship development yellow brick road is, you can start in the 14-Day Boost, and then get into the Quick Start Program, and then Relationship U. And everyone comes to Relationship Breakthrough Retreat, but follow the yellow brick road and get the tools that you really need.
Paul: 17:04 So three, tell yourself the truth. Don’t accept the lies that you tell yourself, that they will never change, that you are the only one doing all the work, and they get a free ride, and that you’re a doormat, and that you have to suck it up, and put up with them. Tell yourself the truth and don’t believe those lies. Always face fears with facts. You took part in the process of that tree dying, and in effect, killing it slowly over time. It’s your responsibility to revive it, and you did the best that you could with what you knew at the time, but you have to look at the facts. This was not a one-sided thing. This is two-sided. So you had a part in that. And lastly, if you don’t think that’s fair, then we’ll talk about that in the next podcast.
Stacey: 17:50 Awesome. Okay. If you have gotten benefit from this podcast, take a screenshot on your phone, share it hashtag Relationship Transformer podcast, hashtag Relationship Development, tag me on social media, share it with the people that need to hear it, and until next time, remember, together we are changing the way relationship is.
Outro: 18:14 Hey, would you like to get big results in your relationships in just 10 seconds a day? If so, then subscribe to our daily inspiration for relationship transformers or the D.I.R.T at www.MartinoPodcast.com/DIRT.