What’s The Episode About:

In this episode, Paul and Stacey will talk about a dynamic where someone in a relationship gets stuck in the false belief that their way is the right way and that their partner’s way is all wrong. The issue between a couple could be just about anything, but with this dynamic, one partner feels that their way of solving the issue or their perspective on the issue is the correct one while their partner’s is not, and so they feel that they must make their partner see their way and agree to it. Paul and Stacey see this dynamic all the time among couples, and it sucks the energy out of people, causes kerfuffles, doesn’t solve anything, and in the end, completely breaks down a relationship.

A great example of that dynamic is with Susan, one of Paul and Stacey’s students. Susan and her husband Daniel were at loggerheads with each other over their parenting styles. Daniel preferred a disciplinary approach with their kids while Susan was trying to implement a relationship development parenting kind of approach. This made them go head to head all the time, with each being frustrated with the other because they were both trying to convince each other to go with each other’s approach.

This dynamic is very destructive, but it’s not anyone’s fault because it’s deeply wired into our blueprints. Most people have been conditioned to think that they must always convince others to see things from their perspective, and this is what Paul and Stacey will seek to help us break away from before they can give us the relationship development tools we need to move forward in the best way possible. If you’re familiar with that dynamic and you wanna learn how to make it a thing of the past in your relationship or marriage, then listen in to this episode.

Key Points Discussed: 

• Missing everything by holding on to the “my way” belief (00:59)
• Breaking the pattern first before learning the relationship development parenting tools (04:42)
• Being raised in the conformity mindset and how it affects us (05:20)
• Everybody has a reason for why they believe what they believe (07:14)
• Understanding that we can’t just have our way because we live within a family setting (13:10)
• Solving your own trigger so you can start collaborating with your partner (17:02)
• Would you rather have some fears and emotional worries, or the real collaboration that you’re looking for? (19:44)
• Catch yourself, listen with curiosity, and up-level your skillset (23:55)

Where Can I Learn More:

• Get access to the Relationship Breakthrough Retreat – here
• Join the 14-Day Boost – here
• Join our Relationship Development Community – here

When Did It Air:

03/12/2020

Episode Transcript:

Paul  0:00  

Hey relationship transformers. Welcome to the Relationship Transformers podcast. On today’s episode, Stacey and I are going to dive deep into a dynamic that we see all the time. It sucks the energy out of you, causes kerfuffles, doesn’t solve anything, and on top of that, it breaks down your relationship in the process. Want to know what it is? We’ll start with that next. So let’s cue up the intro and dive in.

Intro  0:25  

So the big question is this, how is it possible that one person alone can transform any relationship, save their marriage, great their unshakable love and unleash passion, divorce, proof their family without needing their partner to get on board and do this with them and yet still get to be happily, authentically you without compromise. That is the question and this podcast will give you the answer. We are Paul and Stacey Martino and welcome to the Relationship Transformer podcast. 

Paul  0:59  

Alright. So, there’s a common dynamic. And it’s about getting stuck in the false belief that my way is the right way. And I don’t mean mine. I mean, we all have this my way belief. Right? That my way is the right way, and that my partner’s way is just plain wrong. So, how can I just get them to see X, Y, Z is always what we’re trying to do. Right? Like, if they just saw it from my perspective, they would clearly see that they’re wrong, they would correct the error of their ways, and we would just all be on the same page, because clearly I’m right. That’s typically how we see it. Right? Well, that’s common, and I get it, but you’re missing everything when you hold on to that belief. So that’s what we’re going to talk about today.

Stacey  1:38  

Alright, so I’ll start with an example. We had a student. We’ll call her Susan. And, Susan came to a call with us to ask a question about her parenting with her husband, Daniel, because they were really at odds. Daniel was very much wanting a disciplinary approach with their parenting, and Susan was trying to implement relationship development parenting kind of approach with the kids, and they were going head to head all the time, with being frustrated with each other for how they were approaching their parenting. Right? So Daniel was really frustrated with Susan, because the kids were not listening, they were not behaving, they were not following through. And he wanted them to have a consequence, like a timeout, or whatever it was he was yelling at them. And he was very frustrated that Susan wasn’t doing those things because he felt like nothing’s going to change here. If you’re not getting on board with me, and my parenting. And of course Susan was watching Daniel be, you know, firmer or yelling, or being with the kids in a way that she felt now was demand parenting, and really didn’t want to participate in that, didn’t want to see that continue, and she was really frustrated with Daniel because he wasn’t really getting on the same page with her with the relationship development parenting, and how that she could move forward with that. And, a lot of Susan’s work with relationship development parenting up until she came to this call with us, was really focused on, “Okay, I know what I can do. And, I’m going to work on other ways that I can get Daniel to see that relationship development parenting is the way, and demand parenting is causing some damage.” And she was so focused on like, “Okay. How can I get him to see that, you know, he’s breaking down his relationship with our girls? How can I get him to see that they’re really just learning how to circumvent him? How can I get him to see that…?” And it kept going on and on where, that was her approach. Now, when that happens, it creates some negative results. And, Susan wasn’t getting very far with Daniel, and Daniel thought just as frustrated. He wasn’t getting very far with Susan. Meaning, he’s like, “Look, something has to work here. These kids need to be able to listen. They’re not listening to you, and we need a stronger approach.” So, I don’t know if you can relate. Most people can, whether it’s in your parenting, your money, whatever it is that’s going on in your household, your relationship, your marriage, where you have one approach, your partner has another, and we spend so much of our time trying to get them to see, “How can I get him to see that? How can I get her to see that they’re wrong? If they would just see it this way, I know they would get on board.” And, what Paul and I want to walk you through today, because it’s… it’s really destructive, and it doesn’t get you anywhere. And I get it. It’s deeply, deeply wired into our blueprints. And I want to explain that right now, because you’re not a bad person, and you’re not wrong. It’s just this is the way we’ve been conditioned, and until you see it, you can’t really do something about it. Because as much as I could teach you, all of the tools and the relationship development parenting toolbox. The truth is, fundamentally deep down, you’re going to be using them to try to get your partner on the same page with your way of parenting until you understand how to break this pattern. And so, what I want you to get is that it’s fundamentally wired into our blueprints. What happens is, we spot a difference. Right? So, I go through life and at some point I spot a difference between me and you. And in that moment that I observe or spot a difference between me and you, one of us is right, and one of us is wrong. Well, I can’t be wrong, so you’re wrong, so I need to convince you, so let’s go. And that’s kind of the process, that we very quickly unconsciously work through, because we’ve been raised in this conformity mindset, this blueprint that, you know, the teacher says, “Who has the right answer?” Right? There’s one right answer. The coach says, “What’s the right answer?” Well, there’s one right answer. Mom says, “Well, who did this?” Well, there’s one right answer. So, there’s always a need to be right in the conformity mindset. Right? That a lot of us have been conditioned with. And as soon as we observe a difference between someone and another, we’re like, “Well, one of us is right, one of us is wrong. I can’t be wrong. So, you’re wrong.” And so now is the… I start the game of, “I’m trying to convince you”, and we go. Everything we do and say, and seek, is based on, “How can I convince them that they’re wrong and I’m right? How can I get them to see that?” As long as you’re doing that, you’re focused on the wrong outcome, and so the foundation is flawed, because no one is wrong. And that’s where we’re going to start now.

Paul  6:29  

So here’s the first thing is, we can’t get our own way. Of course, we want to have that alignment. But, you know, I’m parenting, for example, but we don’t know how to get out of our own way we find ourselves fighting up front about this whole dynamic, which is what keeps us stuck from actually moving forward in the direction that we wanted. And what does that come down to? It comes down to in this case, Susan is trying to convince Daniel of why he’s wrong. Right. So as you just heard from Stacey, that’s really not a great thing to try and do because people are going to be Is that right? I creates resistance right off the bat, who wants to hear like, hey, you’re wrong. And by the way, let me tell you why you’re wrong. And then when you see it this way, you’ll see the error of your ways.

Stacey  7:10  

Don’t you love that when people do that to you all day long?

Paul  7:14  

It’s not what you really aspire to having a conversation. So we do this, but we do it thinking, Hey, we’re trying to make things better. We do it with the best of intentions like trying, oh, let me just share with you what I know that’s a better way. And yet, guess what? They have a reason. Right? They have a reason why they believe what they believe. But without it when we approach it from a position of let me show you why you’re wrong. However nicely we do that, we’re going to create some defensiveness on the other side. We’re setting up ourselves for a tug of war. It becomes the my way versus your way. And then let’s debate who’s wrong. That’s not exactly what we say. But in effect, that’s what we’re trying to do. And how are we possibly going to align when we start off the conversation with let me convince you why you’re wrong, and the other side is doing the same because they don’t want Want to be wrong?

Stacey  8:00  

And just to say they’re like, a lot of the times we don’t say like, let me convince you why you’re wrong. But because we move past that, right, we’re going to try better skills than that. But in the end, the fundamentals behind what we’re doing is to convince them is to convince them is to convince them. So just check in with yourself, by the way, what is something that is a disagreement between you and your partner? Or you and your folks or you and your work or you and somebody else? And how many different ways Have you already tried to convince them, even though you might not say the words convince, even though you might not say the words wrong or right in the end at the core of everything, underneath it all? You’re trying different ways to convince them. That’s where the first failure point happens. Because the thing that allows the tug of war to exist is that both people are holding on to Their side. Now the first person to remove their trigger around this becomes the person who is now response able to start shifting things. As long as you’re both holding on to your side, the only problem you really have is that you’re both holding on to your side, and nothing can happen here. This is where people just give up, they stopped talking about things they added to the we can’t talk about these things list. The first person that’s able to do what we’re going to lay out for you right now is the person who becomes response, able to start shifting things.

Paul  9:35  

Absolutely. And you’ll also notice that along the way with that tug of war, the more this goes on, the longer this goes on, the more time that elapses before you get through to the point of alignment, real alignment that’s authentic for you, the more people start pulling harder on their side of the road, right? So everybody’s like really struggling on this one on their side, pulling even harder because you’re pulling even harder on the other side. So you gotta realize what’s going On step one is getting that awareness like, Hey, I’m going to tug of war already, right? That’s that one thing alone when you see that happening should be a red flag. Alright, so what do we do when we find ourselves in a need of a conversation is going to help us align on something like this. To stop making this the way we show up, first of all, is a perspective shift, perspective, shift that look, people do not do things without a reason. There is a reason behind why they feel there’s a different way. And there is no one perfect way for anything. And if you believe that your way is the only right way, that’s your biggest flaw. Your perspective shift is that just like they see you as being wrong, and they’re very sure about it, you’re doing the same to them. But both of you know that in your mind, this makes perfect sense. And I’m doing this for a reason. So you have to understand that nobody does anything without a reason. And it’s not just to be counter to you or to piss you off. This is a case where they have a legitimate logical, historical and among other reasons why this is real, and that you should be listening to them. So the first thing you have to do is drop your resistance around the fact that there’s actually another way and that your way may not be the right way.

Stacey  11:12  

I love that. And so just to anchor that in, Paul says this all the time, our students are always anchoring this and I want to anchor this in for you. Nobody does something without a reason. And so whatever that kerfuffle has been whatever that tug of war has been, I promise you that on the other side of the rope, that person has a good reason why they’re holding on to their side of the rope. Most people would not like to engage in that kind of conflict. They’re doing so because they don’t want to give in they don’t want to give up they have a good reason for it. Otherwise, they’d be like, you know what, carrots anymore, do whatever. Right. So and which happens all the time, which is not great, but they’re holding on to their side of the rope for a reason. And the first step, there is understanding that Okay, instead of me so focused on how I can convince them for my way, I need to start to understand what’s their reason behind their way? How can I start to understand that? How can I start to appreciate that? And what’s the other big perspective shift there, Paul

Paul  12:17  

do the big perspective shift, at least in this context of the example we use today is, I’ll just say I’ll pick a number, that I’m in a family of four now, not a family of one. It’s not about me, it’s not about your spouse. It’s not even about an individual child. It’s about the family as a unit. And there’s no way everyone’s gonna see things the same way. We have to learn what it is that’s important for others, we have to start accepting the fact that there are now in this case, four different perspectives that are all valid, that are being brought to this situation. We have to release the belief that one of us can drive this or one of us should, or one of us is the only one with the right answers. You’re in a family now of four, you’ve become one. If you want to be a Navigate a lot of things automatically, from a much more enlightened perspective, you will recognize that, hey, this is now a group thing. This is now a family of four. And it’s not just going to be my way,

Stacey  13:10  

if you would just write that down on an index card and carry it with you, like, however many people are in your family, we’re a family of four, not a family of one, right? We’re a family of six, not a family, one, whatever it is for you. I have said that countless times in our household, but it’s really important for us to retain and remember, especially when we’re holding onto the rope in a tug of work. Like look at the rope. We are a family of four, not a family of one. It can’t just be my way. There are other humans in this family, who all have independent thinking and ideas and needs and fears and wants and all of it and we have to operate as a team for all of us. I can’t just have my way. Because I chose no longer to live as a single person, I decided to get married, I decided to have children, I decided to be in a home with other people. And now I’m on a team, it cannot be my way anymore. We are a family of four now not a family of one. And I need to keep anchoring myself to that. So I really encourage you, it’s a huge false belief breaker. It’s a great strategy. Write that down on an index card, repeat it to yourself several times a day, and follow it now don’t do what a lot of people do, which is now I’m going to voice that to my spouse all day long. I’m going to tell my spouse, hey, you can’t just have your way on this because we’re a family for not a family. Live it, live it, don’t preach it, live it, don’t preach it, you live it first. Don’t just be telling everybody and it’s key to remember that. So I’ll go back to our example was Susan Daniel, a great example of this is okay, instead of just holding ground right on my side of the rope. When we started to say to Susan, okay, well, people don’t do things without a reason. What’s Daniel’s reason? The first time she she’s like, Oh, I don’t. That’s just the way he is. No, it’s not just the way he is, what’s his reason? And so we gave her tools and strategies for how to have a real conversation with her husband. And when she came back for the second time, she was asking the question about what to do next. And she said, Well, he really wants his kids to be responsible, and independent, and know how to, you know, do things. And I’m like, well, is that something you want to Susan? And she’s like, yeah, I totally do. Great. That’s excellent. See, when you get to the reason behind why somebody wants something, sometimes you can find something there that you can align on is a great starting point. People don’t do things without a reason. Sometimes people don’t want Be punishing their kids because they were so harshly treated. Right now, you may not have that same need, but you can appreciate it. Sometimes people want to create more structure for their kids because they didn’t have that kind of structure. Right? Okay, well, you might not have that same thing, but now you can appreciate it. People don’t do things without a reason. And it’s time to what I always say is float up from the house. Right? The house is like, how do we parent? How do we respond? What do we say, okay, that can all be worked out later, float up from the house, get to the wise, people don’t do things without a reason. If we explore the wise, deep enough, very often you’ll find things that you can totally align on. I want my kids to be prepared for life. Great, me too. I want my kids to be able to be resourceful, excellent, me too. I want my kids to have honor and integrity great. Me too. We can align on so much when we float up to the wise instead of being stuck in the house. So that’s a perspective shift which is the first part of how to shift this. And how about the second part, babe.

Paul  17:02  

So now that we’ve had a perspective shift that creates the opening for us the opening to do something different here to help change this dynamic for the better. So the second part of this is a strategy. And that strategy revolves around the fact that until I solve my own trigger, I’m not really collaborating with my partner, instead of just trying to convince them to do things my way, so that I don’t have to deal with my trigger needs or fears set another way. In effect, we stop trying to get our partner to solve it for us when we deal with our own trigger. Because that’s what we’re really trying to fix here is our trigger around why we’re hanging on to our size so vehemently

Stacey  17:43  

so just to tie that back to our example. And that’s just also anchored in because that is so important, right? When I asked Susan like, talk to me about your side of the rope, talk to me about why are you concerned about the way that Daniel parents, your kids Well, she said, Well, I’m worried about my kids. I’m worried about them getting scared of their dad. I’m worried they won’t have a good relationship with their father. I’m worried about their self esteem. I’m worried tomorrow. Okay, well, we need to solve those are your triggers. you own your triggers. And as I said to Susan, I’m like, you need to solve those triggers yourself within yourself so that you’re not going through life with them. Because until you solve those triggers, you’re not really trying to collaborate on parenting with Daniel. You’re trying to get Daniel to change his parenting to appease your discomfort because you have a trigger. And he feels that from you a mile away. And I’m saying this to you to listening to me right now. Your partner feels that from you a mile away. They feel you coming. You’re trying to convince them and you’re white knuckling your hold on it because you need them to change. So you can stop being fearful or so you can stop worrying. Or you can get something that you need to do or you will be blocked from something like you have a need around this. Well, that’s our responsibility. Our personal responsibility is to solve our own triggers. Once you solve those triggers, and I can feel you might be thinking right now, oh my gosh, how am I supposed to solve this or like, but you can, you can, yes, you can be a parent, and not have those concerns or worries anymore. We solve those triggers from people all the time. And once you solve that, now you can freely collaborate with your partner without trying to push them because you’re trying to solve your own triggers through them. Our triggers are our own, and there for us to solve.

Paul  19:44  

So by now you’re starting to see that the real fuel behind that tug of war was your emotional trigger that’s bringing the energy to this that you’re really pulling with. You can imagine if you can drop that, how much more response able Are you a whole lot and let me ask you this to just to help you with this. Ask yourself when you’re hanging on to it, which would you rather have some fears and emotional worries, or the real collaboration that you’re looking for? It’s a choice. The two don’t go together.

Stacey  20:15  

Amen. So and I will just say, because I know that some people will get so stuck right here at this point, thinking now I I’m just worried about my kids. I don’t want them to be scared. I don’t like all those things like I can’t get past that. You can write you can. I worked with Susan in that moment, and work with her on her own triggers. A couple of things that we worked on is, first of all, understanding that our job is to teach our kids how to navigate life, not to control their lives, so that only good things come into their world, but to teach them how to navigate life, and it’s our personal responsibility to teach our kids how to navigate life when someone’s being a jerk. Whether it’s That jerk is the kid on the bus, or grandma or me or their dad. We need to teach our kids how to navigate that. Without it having an impact on their self worth. So trying to get dad to change instead of teaching your kids how to navigate life is actually robbing you of a very powerful opportunity for personal growth for you and your kids. Yes, you will still have conversations with dad about parenting, but the energy behind it will be how to serve my family. And not I need you to do this because I’m scared of what it’s doing to my kids. That’s a world of difference. Can you see that? Can you feel that? When you’re going into any relationship situation, and you’re trying to convince the other person you’re like dead in the water, you just kind of stop? You have to stop and ask yourself, why do I need this? When am I afraid of losing? What am I worth? Worried about what am I trying to get out of this? What is it, find your own trigger and solve it. And then you can truly show up to collaborate from an energy of peace, for the good of everybody, not just for the good of, I need to feel better about this. And I have to. So I hope that that anchors it in for you and that you see the difference there.

Paul  22:19  

Yeah, and then once you solve your triggers around this, then he can really come to your partner and collaborate in the way that you really want it to, from a place of openness, where you really are able to hear what they’re saying, even though it may conflict with your beliefs in a way that will be truly heard and understood. And then you’ve got something to work with.

Stacey  22:34  

And I will just say that, you know, Paul and I were in the same boat when we first started many years ago. And we had to learn this the hard way I’m trying to shortcut it for you is strategies, right? Paul’s trying to shortcut it for you right here with strategies. But while we were figuring this out, I’ll never forget the huge aha as I started having where when I truly let go of my own triggers my own fears I started listening to my husband’s perspective, from the energy of genuine openness of wanting to appreciate his perspective, I realized something that I have come to understand is a fundamental gift of marriage, which is that there are so many gifts, in my husband’s perspective that are there for me, when I stopped fighting it when I stopped being afraid of it, when I stopped saying new road, and I really hear him. Like my husband has an unbelievable perspective. And I had a lot to learn. And I’m sure Paul would say the same with me absolutely.

Paul  23:35  

in reverse. Yes,

Stacey  23:37  

yes, there’s so much there. But the minute when we’re in resistance to them, or when we cause them to go in resistance and defensiveness to us, we can’t hear it. We’re not getting the gift from it. And we’re both staying in struggle. Alright, so take us through some action steps, babe, before we wrap up,

Paul  23:55  

yes, always we want to leave with some action steps. So number one, catch yourself when you You’re trying to convince someone else that you’re right. Just catch yourself. That’s the red flag. Number two, listen, listen with curiosity, and see what you can appreciate or gain from listening from the other perspective. There’s a gift in there. Number three, action. Stop doing the man relationship and trying to convince everyone of your way or bring them to your side up level your skill set so that you can collaborate and build up your relationships instead of breaking them down.

Stacey  24:30  

Awesome. And if you would like our help with that, we have a great launch going on right now. Get your tickets to relationship breakthrough retreat at relationship breakthrough retreat calm. This is our three day immersion event. You do not want to miss this we go so deep into the tools and the actions. It’s just it’s a game changer. It really is. And right now we’re doing a big, huge launch and giving away a big stack of bonus programs when you get your RBR 2020 event ticket. So go to RelationshipBreakthroughRetreat.com, check it out, because you will love it. And if you love this podcast, don’t forget to share it and spread the message with those people who might benefit from hearing it. You know, that’s our mission is to serve families and you’re a part of that. You’re a big part of that helping us reach the families who need us. Because remember, together, we are changing the way relationship is done. 

Outro  25:24  

Are you ready to catapult your relationship to the next level? Would you love to do that in just three days? Well, Relationship Breakthrough Retreat tickets are open. This is our live three-day event. We only do this event once a year. It’s a three-day live immersion experience with me and Paul, where you get to have your relationship breakthrough within those three days. This is not a couple’s event. Your partner does not need to come to this event. There is no couples work going on. It’s a fun, high energy, life changing, impactful immersion experience, where your relationships will catapult forward within those three days. It is not to be missed. Check out RelationshipBreakthroughRetreat.com for information and tickets.