46: I’m Not The One That Needs To Change

46: I’m Not The One That Needs To Change

What’s The Episode About:

In this episode, Paul and Stacey will talk about a common point of view that most people in a relationship have that negatively affects their relationships without their knowing. And that is the view that they have something figured out more than their partner and so they have to get their partner to subscribe to it too so their relationship can become better.

That’s a common thing that Paul and Stacey hear from their program participants all the time. One particular relationship transformer who was doing the 14-Day Boost Program posted on the relationship transformers Facebook group about how she loved the program module on alignment, especially where they were learning about how to get to the win-win, instead of staying stuck in the win-lose. She felt that it was a great module for her husband to learn from, but she needed advice on how to make him listen to it. That’s a great example of that detrimental point of view and Paul and Stacey will seek to deal with it in this episode.

It’s part of our natural wiring to think that way because it comes from the demand relationship wiring that is just so deep in our blueprint, and we must learn to shift away from it by first realizing that there is no “me and you” in a relationship. Partners in a relationship are one, and if one partner loses in any way, then the other one loses too. Stay tuned as Paul and Stacey lay out all the steps you will need to take to build a win-win relationship with your partner.

Key Points Discussed: 

  • How to get to the win-win instead of staying stuck in the win-lose (01:02)
  • There’s no “You and Me” in a relationship, it can only be “Us” (02:53)
  • It’s always win-win or lose-lose in a relationship (03:46)
  • Extending the end of our skillset so we can learn how to wrap up something in a way that our partner can receive it (04:41)
  • Building a rock-solid relationship and focusing on the tools and strategies that can help us take our families to the next level (06:54)
  • Stop telling yourself that you’re not the one in the relationship who needs to do that thing (10:51)

Where Can I Learn More:

  • Get access to the Relationship Breakthrough Retreat – here
  • Join the 14-Day Boost – here
  • Join our Relationship Development Community – here

When Did It Air:


Episode Transcript:

Paul  0:00  

Hey relationship transformers. Welcome to the Relationship Transformers podcast. So we hear this all the time. People tell us, “I totally get it, but how can I get my partner to listen to your podcast, or do your program, etc? Because I’m not the one who needs this, they do.” It’s a common sticking point, and that’s what we’re going to talk about in today’s episode. Let’s cue up the intro and dive in.

Intro  0:28  

So the big question is this, how is it possible that one person alone can transform any relationship, save their marriage, great their unshakable love and unleash passion, divorce, proof their family without needing their partner to get on board and do this with them and yet still get to be happily, authentically you without compromise. That is the question and this podcast will give you the answer. We are Paul and Stacey Martino and welcome to the Relationship Transformer podcast.

Stacey  1:02  

Alright. So there are so many examples of this. You’ll see that everything from like, “I do everything and she just does nothing. I don’t need this. She needs to listen to your stuff” to “I’m so nice to him and thoughtful, and he’s just miserable. I don’t need this. He needs to listen to this.” We see this all the time. And you may have your version of this too. And, I’ll give you an example of someone who brought this into our relationship transformers community, and asked this question. She was doing our 14-Day Boost, and in the 14-Day Boost on days 11 through 14, we start working on alignment, right? How to get to the win-win, instead of staying stuck in the win-lose. And she posted in the Facebook group and she goes, “I love this module. This was so good. Like I did module 11, and I really, really love it. And, I already put my husband first, but he doesn’t put me first, like his family of origin is first for him. So, I love the module, but I’m already doing it. I don’t need that module. He needs that module. So how do I get my partner to listen to the module 11.” So, it’s such a great example, and it’s just such a natural wiring to think that way, and I say this all the time, and I’ll say it again, demand relationship wiring is just so deep in our blueprint that we think things like that, and… and a lot of people would agree and be like, “Oh, yeah. It does. It sounds like he needs this. Good job for you, you’re doing it.” Right? We don’t even know what to say. And so, here’s… I’ll share with you obviously, I responded to her, and I’ll share here too, is that, just because you’re already doing something and your partner is not, so, they don’t need to hear it from us. There’s still a toolset that you can use to move things forward. So, babe, let’s start with you. And, what’s your perspective on this one?

Paul  2:53  

Right. So the perspective is, first of all, we always need to step back with some perspective, because with that, it helps us take different action. And the first thing you really need to grab onto here is, there is no me and you in this relationship, when it’s you and your partner, you’re one. As an entity, you’re one. There is no winners or losers. Right? If your partner’s losing, you’re losing. It’s just a matter of time, whether you see in this moment or not, same thing, when you’re losing, and I put that in air quotes, when your partner is winning, you know, they’re not actually winning in the long term. There is an outcome from that. So, we have to recognize there is no me and you, it’s us. We’re in this together. And when you do this, when you’re having these perspectives, there’s no question that you’re seeing them as them versus you. You got to lose that. Because it’s not a competition here. You’re not an opposed to each other. You’re one in this relationship. We’re together. It’s always win-win or lose-lose. And the truth of this situation is this. You have just not yet been able to break through in this area. It’s not that they’re opposed to you. That’s all it is. You have just not yet been able to break through in this area. It’s still you who can lead your family out of this. It’s you who are stuck in this moment. That doesn’t mean it’s over, unless you give up. It’s kind of like the list of things that we can’t talk about that keeps on growing. Right? Because, we’ve stopped trying to bring those up. If you gave up on those, then yes, you’re stuck. And it seems like it’s impossible, but it’s only because you gave up. With the right perspective, with the right tools and strategies, you can lead your family out of this into a new direction, but it really starts with that one fundamental truth, is there is no me versus you on this. It’s us. So how can I lead us to a better place on this?

Stacey  4:41  

So there’s lots of reasons why you might be stuck. Maybe you don’t have rapport with your spouse, maybe they feel judged by you. Maybe they’re in resistance to you because you’ve pushed your way, right, like we talked about in the last podcast. Maybe you do not yet have the skill set to articulate it in a way that they can read. See it. Or maybe you’re bringing your triggers with you into this instead of solving them first, and many, many other reasons. But at the end of the day, you just have not yet figured out how to break through. But it’s still absolutely possible for you to lead the two of you out of this. We can train you how to do that and show you how if you want, but you don’t need them to listen to this podcast, you don’t need them to do our program. In fact, whenever you find yourself thinking, Oh my gosh, I need my partner to listen to them. I need my partner to hear this. Just know that thing ever reached the end of my skill set. And I’m trying to have Stacey and Paul be the end of my skill set. You don’t need us to do this with your partner. You absolutely need to extend the end of your skill set so that you don’t reach that moment where it goes ding. And you’re like, Oh, I know how to work with my partner on this. I know how to say this in a way that they can receive this I have figured it out, I have used the tools, I went into the toolbox, and got the scripts and got the understanding and understand how they’re wired. You don’t need us to tell them. If you can’t figure out how to do it, it’s just because you’ve reached the end of your skill set. That doesn’t mean you need us to work with them. You need us to work with you. It’s your family. And they’re going to be 27,000 other moments where you’re going to need the skill set of needing to know how to wrap something in a way that your partner can receive it, how to talk to them about what it means to you, when they put their family of origin before you had to understand and appreciate that they came from a family of origin where there probably is demand relationship going on and expectations of them from their family and nobody ever taught them how to break that in their family. 

And understanding that and helping them act through that and understanding how that might look. In real life, and what to say in real life, and how to start building the relationship that you have with them so that you’re rock solid, how to start being the person who puts them first in ways that they feel so supported that they want to start striving to put you first. You need these tools and strategies, it’s not that you need them to hear it from us. You need the tools and strategies to take your family to the next place. And that is first starts with a not making them wrong for what they’re doing. They’re just doing what they’re doing. They ran to the end of their skill set. That’s all the skill set that they had. And it’s still us who can lead the way out. And I will just say that I speak from experience. I did not have anyone that could teach Paul. There wouldn’t even anybody Teach me Let alone somebody I could be like, Oh, you know, Paul’s terrible at that. You really need to tell Paul How to Stop being such a dick. Like I didn’t have somebody Wouldn’t you be like, oh, Paul, you really need to listen to this program. That wasn’t even an option for me when I was trying to rebuild my relationship with him.

Paul  8:09  

And can you imagine if she did, and that was her thing like Paul, you just need to listen to, so you can understand how not to get overwhelmed. Just if you don’t know why that’s a problem. Just go back to the last podcast, because it’s not gonna lead to the outcome we want. Right?

Stacey  8:21  

And so I didn’t have anybody that could teach Paul, I didn’t have anybody to turn to and say, oh, Paul, listen to this podcast because you’re doing this and it’s ruining things for us. I didn’t have that. And I guess thank God, right. I didn’t have that option. Because I had to get resourceful and figure out a way to move us forward. I was the only one who is going to move us forward. Well, fast forward to today. Thank God for all of anyone who’s listening who wants to be a relationship transformer. We have laid it out for you. We have an eight step system. We have a toolbox with hundreds of tools in it. We built the 14 day boost program and then The Quick Start online program and relationship breakthrough retreat live event and relationship you the year long program like we have laid it out for you, all you need to do is start diving in and taking that skill set for yourself and bringing it to your family. And luckily, I didn’t have anybody that I could kind of say, Oh, you know, sorry, I’m doing this great. You suck at this. So you need somebody that you need to listen to their thing. I didn’t have that. And so I figured it out. But I’ve proven that that means you can too, and we’ve obviously shortcutted it for you. So if you find yourself getting to that moment where you’re like, Yeah, I do that. I totally do that. But they don’t do that, like just understand up red flag. I’ve gotten to the end of my skill set. How can I be the one to lead us here? How can I show up with my partner in a way that I can really convey this to them in a way that’s not pushing? That is not true. I want to ask them to solve my triggers, that’s really helping us elevate as a team that’s for their benefit. That’s for my benefit, how can I nurture our relationship? How can I move us forward? How can I lead us to the next level and being a relationship transformer means that you are making the commitment to lead your family to the next level, that is what we are doing here. And yes, sometimes that means you save your marriage and sometimes that means you bring passion back to a passionless marriage or sometimes that means you transform your parenting and your household or sometimes that means you take your amazing marriage to the next level, or whatever it is for you. It’s you being willing to be the leader to lead your family to the next level. That’s what being a relationship transformer is all about.

Paul  10:51  

Alright, so we’re gonna need some action steps to help lock this in and something to focus on. So the first action step is notice, notice where you are telling yourself that you You’re not the one who needs to do this that they in air quotes need this. Number two, stop. Stop putting your life on hold, waiting for someone else to make your life better. Number three, start. Start reminding yourself, “I’m doing this for Team US.” Number four, learn. Get the tools and strategies to break through any situation so that you can lead your family to the next level.

Stacey  11:27  

Excellent. Hey, if you haven’t done the 14-Day Boost for your relationship program, that is an amazing place to start. Like, I don’t know what to tell you. You need to get into the next boost. It’s 14 days. It’s less than 50 bucks. If you love the podcast, you have got to devour all 14 days of the 14-Day Boost Program. So, go to 14-DayBoost.com and sign up. Get your tickets to Relationship Breakthrough Retreat if you want to come immerse yourself with us this summer. Get into the QuickStart program. Get into RelationshipU. Whatever it is that suits you, whatever program is a good match for who you are and what you need, just start doing it. Reach out to us, let us know if we can help you figure out what that place, that starting point is for you, but do it. It’s here for you. It’s here for your family. Take that action so you can get everything that you want and more. If you love this podcast, please share it, tag me in social media, hashtag RelationshipTransformersPodcast, and until next time, remember together, we are changing the way relationship is done. 

Outro  12:36  

Hey, would you like to get big results in your relationships in just 10 seconds a day? If so, then subscribe to our daily inspiration for relationship transformers or The D.I.R.T at MartinoPodcast.com/Dirt

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