What’s The Episode About:
In this episode, Paul and Stacey will talk about how they cracked the code on how relationships are done, what exactly causes relationship problems, and what the solution really is. At the first sign of trouble, couples choose to seek counseling or therapy, but that has failed miserably because it has a divorce rate of 80% which emanates from the fact that they only focus on symptoms and not causes.
The solution that Paul and Stacey offer has a 1% divorce rate and teaches couples how to build an unshakeable love and passion that keeps them going strong well into the future. Do you have your ticket to the next Relationship Breakthrough Retreat?
Key Points Discussed:
- The dilemma of working on things alone (01:02)
- Relationship development and demand relationship (02:52)
- Nobody likes being controlled (05:35)
- Classic demand relationship exit (07:27)
- Building up relationships with the relationship development methodology (09:07)
- Breaking the chains of demand relationship (13:43)
Where Can I Learn More:
Be sure to get the free PDF download discussed in this episode at: go.relationshipdevelopment.org/2
Join us at the next Relationship Breakthrough Retreat.
When Did It Air:
May 20, 2019
Paul: 00:02 Hello relationship transformers. Hey, relationship transformers. Welcome to The Relationship Transformer Podcast. Today we’re going to tell you all about our unique discovery that cracked the code on how relationships are done. This one is the kingpin. What we’re going to tell you about today is what’s causing the relationship problems, and what the solution really is. And if you don’t know what we’re sharing today, I can guarantee you, you are suffering way more than you have to. And that’s not a judgment, it’s just a fact. So let’s queue up the intro and dive in.
Stacy: 00:35 Alright. So, here’s where I want to share with you the truth that we uncovered about couple’s counseling and couples therapy. If you remember our story… Paul and I were hanging by a thread. Right? And Luckily for me, Paul was giving me a second chance, but if you remember, like back then, Paul’s version of a second chance was, “Okay, Stacy. You go ahead and go fix yourself.” Right? “I have nothing to do, there’s nothing wrong for me.”
Paul: 01:01 Sad, but true.
Stacy: 01:02 “But you can fix it.” So he was not going to jump in and do the work with me. Now a lot of people find themselves stuck in that place today where their partner’s not going to do the work with them and that leaves people feeling like they’re facing a dilemma. Right? They have a dilemma. They have two choices ahead of them. Both of them suck. Right?
Stacy: 01:21 Road A is, “So what do I do? Just settle and suck it up, even though I’m not satisfied, I’m not happy, and just deal with it, or because they won’t do the work with me” Or road B. Right? “I’m going to upheaval. I’m going to tear my family apart, at the chance that maybe next time I can be happy.” Right? Both of those are painful. Both of those suck, and it leaves a lot of good people feeling stuck in a not so great place, and sometimes what happens is, you know, not so bad slides to worse, and right at the end of our ropes, people will make a last ditch effort, and head to couple’s counseling, or couple’s therapy. Now, right now, the divorce rate coming out of couple’s counseling and couple’s therapy is about 80%. 80%. That’s crazy. But it’s failing for good reason.
Stacy: 02:09 See, when you do couples work. Right? What happens is it turns into a blame and side show. Two people sit down, they both tell their side, they blame the other person, and they leave it to the third person to take sides, tell them who’s right, and who has to compromise, and suck it up. Right? And that destroys our relationship. That’s not exactly building a rock solid foundation. And then you end up with a lot of score keeping. Right? I did this, but I did this. I do more than… you know, I do more than you. And there’s a lot of measuring and score-keeping going on, which by the way, is not love. And the other thing is that the counseling and the therapy is very symptom level. Right? Communication and… and all of that stuff. That doesn’t solve anything. That doesn’t solve the cause of the group of cruffles.
Stacy: 02:52 It’s only symptom level and nothing really changes. And of course they don’t have the real answers, right? The therapists, the counselors, they don’t have the unshakable love. They don’t have the unleashed passion so they can’t teach it to you, but the real reason why couples work doesn’t work, comes down to the difference between relationship development and demand relationship. Now, demand relationship is where you say to your partner like, “I’m not really happy with this. You need to change it.” Right? Demand relationship is when you say, “I don’t like that tone. Please stop using that tone with me, or I don’t like the way you… hey, don’t talk to the kid that way. You have to change that.” Demand relationship is where you tell other people what they need to do or change to make you more comfortable, or make you happy. Now, that worked when one person in relationship had no choice.
Stacy: 03:46 Demand relationship showed up as control, guilt, blame, shame, threats. Now, many years ago, both partners in relationships were not free to go. Men had the power in the relationship and a woman did not. When one person in the relationship does not have power, demand relationship thrives, and women learn to do what they were told. Right? Women learned how to please the other person, and make them happy, in order to hopefully try to get their own needs met too. And that turned into compromise, and when it needed to be adopted, it turned into using learning how to use guilt, and shame, and even manipulation to get what they wanted in a relationship. Now you see this a lot in demand based parenting. Parents using guilt, or shame, or demands, or threats, or anything to try to control our kids. So they kind of do things the way we need them done.
Stacy: 04:41 It’s basically you using your power to control what someone who doesn’t have power is doing. So that gets done the way you need it to be. And even with the best of intentions, right? You’re trying to protect them, you’re trying to look out for them. You want them to learn responsibility. You want them to learn all the things that you think are important to so that they’re ready for life. But demand relationship, um, doesn’t work. It’s failing and it’s all that has been modeled to us for thousands of years. See, this is how it works and demand relationship. One person as the power player and the other person is the non power player. Now both are in that relationship and both are playing demand relationship tactics with each other. It’s not just the power player here, the non power player is there to get their needs met too, so they learn like the non power player still learns how to use tactics to get the other person to change and to get them to make them happy.
Stacy: 05:35 Right. Using things like pleasing, that’s when you please someone else. It’s because you’re trying to get them to be nicer to you so that you can be happy. It’s still a tactic. Demand relationship only works when one person is not free to go and the thing is when both people in the relationship become free, demand relationship crumbles because eventually the person in the relationship who has felt like they weren’t in power, we’ll hit what we call threshold. They’ll hit a point where they’ve had enough because nobody likes to be controlled. And you know that because you hate being controlled by the people in your life, right? So when someone finally hits threshold and demand relationship, you end up with a moment that usually looks something like f you, I am the hell Outta here. I don’t need your money. I’ll make my own money. I’ll raise my own kids.
Stacy: 06:30 I’ll get my own freaking place like I’m moving out. I don’t need your shit anymore. I’m done. And they leave. Hey, it’s a same thing in demand based parenting. If all that’s been done as your children have developed is control and demand and threat and guilt and shame to try to shape them the minute they become bigger than you financially independent from you, where can move out of your house? You get pretty much the same thing, right? The middle finger goes up and they’re like, F you. I’m the hell out of here. They can’t wait to get away from you. That was not a relationship that was control and when they leave, you don’t have a relationship with them. You have a loss of control because you can’t ever really control another person. You can temporarily tried to manipulate what you want. If you have the power and you’re using that power over them, but that’s not building a relationship.
Stacy: 07:27 That’s exerting control. So what happened about four or five years ago, women became free to go, oh, sorry, yes. Four or five decades ago, women became free to go. They can earn their own money, they could do their own stuff, and they started leaving and at the same time, divorce became legal and men also finally became free to go. And a lot of men started saying things like, I am the hell Outta here. You’re miserable. You’re making me miserable and I’m going to go find someone who doesn’t make me miserable. Right? Until she makes him miserable. So what happens? Classic demand. Relationship Exit. You leave. Most people leave to go find a better demand relationship player. In fact, workplace is a classic demand relationship. The boss says something the employee doesn’t like. What does the employee say? Well, they’re the boss, right? What are you going to do?
Stacy: 08:20 I either have to please them or I have to leave. That’s right. Classic demand relationship. That’s what people do when they leave demand relationship. They look for a better boss. I’m going to go look for a better boss who’s not crazy ass, right? I’m going to go look for a better partner who treats me nicely or if we’ve been the non power player, we leave that relationship where like, you know what? Screw this. I’m going to be the power player next time I’m going to find me a non power player and I’m going to dominate this thing so I finally get my way. Now they might not have those words for it, but that’s the energy behind it. You don’t have to look far to see this going on. You see it everywhere. Demand relationship is falling apart at such epic rates. It’s everywhere you look.
Stacy: 09:07 The pain is so great. People are almost giving up on relationship as a thing because they mistakenly think that demand relationship, his relationship and they don’t want to be on either side of that crap anymore. We have an epidemic going on. If people who are like, I’m done. No more relationship. It wasn’t relationship. It was demand relationship. That was failing. Now there is another option. It’s the methodology pollen I developed. Relationship Development, relationship development is when you learn how to be happy regardless of what goes on around you and relate in a way that builds up your relationships instead of controlling or oppressing others, right? So demand relationship tactics or things like pleasing, compromise, control, blame, withholding stonewalling, punishing, manipulation, coercion, guilt, shame. All of these things that we do to to win and they’re driven by fear we don’t want to lose. Now in relationship development, we do things a little differently.
Stacy: 10:15 We show up with heartfelt understanding. We learn how to create alignment, we have appreciation, we use collaboration, we bring compassion and inspire change. We build rapport, we show up to give, we have acceptance. It’s all about empowerment and we’re creating the wind. When now we have a chart and what you’re going to love, this chart’s going to become your best friend. It’s hanging on the wall right here and it shows you demand relationship on one side and relationship development. On the other side. It’s basically how to look at what the demand relationship tactic is and look across and find out what the relationship development, um, empowering choice is. And the line between these two sides is the judgment lie. The fine line between being in relationship development and being triggered into demand relationship is judgment. The minute you start judging someone else, the minute you think something like, well, that was stupid, that’s not what I would’ve done, or who the hell says crap like that anyway, the minute you judge that trips us into demand relationship.
Stacy: 11:32 When you can stay out of judgment of others, you can grab the relationship development tools and strategies. Now here’s the thing. All of these demand relationship tactics, pleasing, compromise, control, blame, punishing, stonewalling, manipulation, convincing, guilt, shame, nagging criticism, frustration, protection, all of that, that’s not love. Listen to those words, that’s not love and yet how many times or we bringing those tactics to the relationships in our lives that are supposed to be about love. See the truth is you are either building up or breaking down your relationship in every moment of the day depending on which side of this chart you’re showing up in demand relationship or relationship development. When you show up from demand relationship, you are breaking down that relationship in that moment. When you show up from relationship development, you are building up that relationship in that moment. Here’s what I want you to get.
Stacy: 12:42 This is so key. It’s not happening to you. You are doing it. It’s a choice. You have the power to come from the relationship development side equipped with the tools and strategies that truly work to get the results that you want. This is why everything else you’ve tried has failed. The books, the counseling, all that work book after book, shelf after shelf teaching you how to be a better demand relationship player, had to get all the sex that you want, how to get her to do what you want, how to get him to finally listen, how to get them to all the books, the counseling on all this stuff out there. It’s all demand relationship. There’s nothing wrong with you. You didn’t pick wrong. It’s that this is all that’s been going on. Demand relationship is all that was modeled for us. It’s all we’ve been taught and it’s failing.
Stacy: 13:43 It literally cannot exist in a day and age where everybody is free to flip the channel. Everybody is free today. Demand relationship is creating so much unnecessary suffering just because we’ve been handed a dynamic that just doesn’t work. Everyone deserves to live in an unshakeable love and unleashed passion. Be An amazing parent with thriving relationships with your children. Have incredible work dynamics where you’re cocreating have fantastic relationships. Demand relationship is done. It’s time to evolve and rise into relationship development. It’s a skillset and it can be learned. It’s not magic. It’s not just for some people, but not for others. It’s a skillset in relationship development. Paul and I are committed to empower you to break the chains of demand relationship. Leave that behind and bring relationship development into all your relationships live in the result of that. Are you seeing this now? It’s all been the fail of demand relationship that is wreaking havoc. It’s not, that doesn’t work anymore. Love is what we’re here for. It’s the life force that’s keeping you alive. It’s what connects you to everyone and everything. All of us are built for love. So demand relationship has failed. It’s dead. That’s all I know. No one told you. That’s why we’re here. Relationship Development is a skillset and you can have it. The question is, are you ready? Do you want it?
Paul: 15:24 Wow. Well that sums it up really well. That was amazing. And you know what’s amazing about this too is everybody needs to realize this. Not only is that so profound, but think about it. It is everywhere. It’s all just been modeled and there’s a way out. If you want to escape the dynamic that’s affecting everyone right now, if you want to be the one to make those transformations so you’re not living in demand relationship. It’s a skill set as Stacey said. But think about it. It’s a choice. So there’s the belief, the false belief that you can just like, let me just change my partner and this’ll go away. It doesn’t. And that’s why second and third divorce rates are even higher than the first ones. It’s not that people are learning from the first one to try to escape it. And what the answer is is the skill sets that we’ve should have been taught from the day we were born that had been lacking.
Paul: 16:12 And that’s really where the real power from this comes in is you take you with you to the next relationship. So when you choose to make a different decision, when you choose to understand what these dynamics are, choose to show up differently with the tools and understanding so that you can make a difference in this relationship. First of all, you don’t need to leave this relationship. And secondly you get the gifts are breaking free of those chains of demand relationship that are surrounding everyone else. So I thought that was really amazing honey and that was just powerful. So thank you.
Stacy: 16:41 Oh my gosh. This is what we do day in and day out around here. I just wanted to capture it in a way that, uh, cause I know this is like a, like a mind blowing moment. Like to hear about demand relationship versus relationship development for them for the first time and I just want to make sure that you get it in a way that you can really let it sink in. And let me just tell you this chart I’m holding in my hand waving it like you can see me, but this chart, this demand relationship versus relationship development chart, this is going to be your best friend and in the show notes you can click on the link and download your copy, your color, beautiful print copy of the chart so that you have that. You can hang it up, you can always use it, keep it where you can see it on because this is the game changer, right? So now the big question is, okay, how, how do I stop showing up from demand relationship? Because by the way, now that we taught it to you, you’re going to see it everywhere, right? You’re going to go through day and be like, you’re doing the man relationship. You’re doing, you’re doing demand related them. I’m going to ask you to take that finger and point it back at you because you’re doing demand relationship and that’s where we wanted to start.
Paul: 17:45 It only takes one to change that dynamic by the way.
Stacy: 17:47 Amen. So now the big question is, okay, how, how do we stop doing demand relationship start living from relationship development? Right? And we’re going to dive into that in the next [inaudible]
Paul: 17:57 episode. Awesome. So in the next episode we’re going to be answering the big question. How is it possible that it only takes one partner to transform any relationship? Right? I just messaged it, how are thousands of people saving their marriages, transforming the relationships and divorce proofing their families and only one spouse is doing the work? How is that even possible? Well, that’s what we’re going to talk about in the next episode and we will give you the answer on that one.
Stacy: 18:21 Awesome. So here, clicking the show notes from this show, get your demand relationship versus relationship development chart and join our community, our community of relationship transformers that are living from relationship development every day. These are the people who are breaking the chains of demand relationship and were gathered. We have a private Facebook group at relationship development, community.com make sure you go there and join our group today. I’m going, hey, we want to thank you for listening to this episode of relationship transformer podcast. If you’re not subscribed already, be sure to do that right now. If you liked this episode, Hey, please help us out rate and review this podcast cause that helps us reach more people who need this content. Now as you’re listening to us today, I’m sure that it was popping into your head like, oh my God, Barbara needs this and and Doug needs to hear this. And if only like there’s people, like everybody needs to hear this. Well when you rate and review this podcast, it will get shown to more people. So be an angel with us on this mission and rate and review the podcast. Share it with the people in your world. Go out and share it with people who need to hear this because remember together we are changing the way relationship is done.