What’s The Episode About:
In this episode, Paul and Stacey will talk about the very confusing issue of whether an individual should leave their marriage and give in to divorce. This is something that a lot of people in someone’s life will prescribe when their marriage is in trouble, but the truth is that none of them has the right to do that. Paul and Stacey will expose that for the lie that it is and tell us the best way to go about an impending divorce situation.
Key Points Discussed:
- It’s a lie to say you’ve tried everything and nothing will work (01:59)
- Noone has the right to tell you to get a divorce (02:54)
- People prescribe divorce when they’ve reached the end of their skillset (05:08)
- Calling off the divorce: Suzanne and Don’s story (07:10)
- Advice is crap and destructive (12:29)
- Knowing when to leave (14:14)
- Rebuilt marriage or harmonious co-parenting (20:27)
- Cognitive learning is not enough to save a marriage or turn it around (25:11)
Where Can I Learn More:
Join us at the next Relationship Breakthrough Retreat.
When Did It Air:
May 23, 2019
Disclaimer: he Transcript Is Auto Generated And May Contain Spelling And Grammar Errors
Paul: 00:04 Hey Relationship Transformers! Welcome to The Relationship Transformer Podcast. So today, Stacey and I are going to answer the question we get asked more than any other question. That question is, “How do you know when it’s just time to leave?” There’s actually an answer to that question, but it’s probably not what you think. And this one gets us really fired up at times, because every day, there are people all around the world telling other people to leave their marriage, that divorce is the only, and I’m doing that in air quotes, option for them today. Today we’re going to crush that shit and expose it. And then, we’re going to give you the real answer that you and your family deserve. So let’s queue up the intro and dive in.
Stacey: 00:38 So the big question is this, “How is it possible that one person alone can transform any relationship, save their marriage, create their unshakeable love, and unleash passion, divorce-proof their family without needing their partner to get on board and do this with them, and yet, still get to be happily, authentically you without compromise.
Paul: 01:02 That is the question and this podcast will give you the answer.
Stacey: 01:08 See, this is what we see all the time. People say, “But I’ve tried everything. Trust me, I’ve tried everything to save my marriage. I’ve done everything I can.” Translation to what that really means. I tried everything to get them to see things my way. Translation; I’ve given in and did things their way, but I just can’t keep going like that, because I’m miserable. What people really mean is, I’ve tried every demand relationship approach to this, and nothing is working. Now that’s accurate. So they do the demand relationship exit, they leave. And they start demand relationship all over with the new player until that player in the relationship gets ruined by demand relationship too, and then they leave. All the while stacking it up until enough bad relationship suck up and they start saying things like, “All men are jerks or all women are crazy.” Right?
Stacey: 01:59 It’s a lie to say, “I tried everything and nothing will work. My marriage has to end.” The truth is, you have tried everything you could think of, and a bunch of demand relationship tactics that other people tried to teach you and they all failed. That is true. Fact; you have not tried relationship development. Fact; your marriage does not have to end. Fact; you do not yet know if your marriage needs to end, because you haven’t done this work with us. You haven’t implemented relationship development. Now, let’s talk about the people on the planet that are telling folks every single day to leave their marriage. Right? Couples, counselors and therapists prescribing divorce, like no human on the planet has the right to utter the words, “You should get a divorce.” This fires me up so much. Please, please, relationship transformers. No one else on the planet has the right to tell you you should get a divorce. Not your best friend, not your mom, not a couple’s counselor or a therapist, or anybody, that is just for you, between you and universe, or you and your heart, you and God, whatever it is for you. Only you know, no one has the right to tell you that.
Paul: 03:17 And keep in mind. These are people like Stacey mentioned, like your friends, your mom. These are people with good intentions. Even the counselors and therapists, they have the best of intentions, but the truth is no one has that right to tell you that. That is for you to decide only and when anybody is telling you that, there’s a reason and we’re going to explain what that reason is.
Stacey: 03:35 The truth is when anyone tells you something like, “You should get a divorce, or there’s nothing more you can do, or you’ve done everything there is to do, or this is about them and not you, there’s nothing you can do, or it’s just time to leave, or don’t put up with that, leave, or I recommend you get a divorce”, or anything like that. All that means, please listen up to me right now. All that means is they have reached the end of their skill set.
Paul: 04:07 Just take a moment and listen to this one. If you weren’t fully paying attention to Stacey, please repeat that because that is the key.
Stacey: 04:12 All that means is they have reached the end of their skillset. Their at the end of their skillset, they have nothing left to tell you to try. And so their answer is to leave. All that tells you is that you’ve reached the end of that person’s skillset. Because Paul and I have never said those words and we will never say those words and we’ll talk about that more in a minute. So counselors, couples, counselors, therapists, people all over the world are handing out prescriptions for divorce, like their eminems and it’s got to stop their real families at stake. There are children in those homes, no human on the planet has the right to tell that to you. But as you know, we can’t stop other people. We can’t control anyone else. They’re going to say what they’re going to say. We can’t stop them. And it would be demand relationship for us to try. So we are telling you, we are offering you this education.
Paul: 05:08 So first that is our pin in a couple’s work is broken and we have a lot of reasons for that that you’ve already heard about. And you will continue to hear about before you think about going to couples counseling or doing couples work, anything like that. Think about these facts. First of all, we do not ever recommend it of course, but we clean up those messes every day. People come to us and that’s how we know they’re being told to get divorces. They come to us saying, I was told I need to get a divorce. And if anyone on the planet tells you you need a divorce, just know you’ve reached the end of their skill sets are the basically telling you where they got off and where this ended. But also keep in mind that includes you when you are hearing in your mind, I need to get a divorce.
Paul: 05:46 That’s because you’ve reached the end of your skill set as well, right? That’s what happens. They’re like, I don’t know what else to do. So I guess that’s my only option her. So keep that in mind. Anybody who tells you to get a divorce or if you find yourself thinking yourself, I have to get a divorce. Just stop. Make sure you are awake and aware before you move forward. Do not end your marriage and drag your family through that just because you have run to the end of yours or someone else’s skillset. So we have to call this out today. Again, I started to say earlier again, people are telling you that with the best of intentions, like your mother, your family, your friends, but they’ve run to the end of their skill set too. They do love you and we trust them because they’re like, well, my friend told me, my mother told me I should.
Paul: 06:33 They love me. I guess that’s the right thing to do. No, see it for what it is. And sadly it has become socially acceptable to tell someone, oh, you should just leave him. You should just leave her. Or worse. It’s become socially unacceptable to encourage someone to stay and actually work on it. There’s no escaping this. And if somebody was really learning something by leaving their relationship to go to the next one, you would find that the divorce rates decrease and there’s happily happy marriages after that. But the truth is, and the facts are second and third, divorce rates are even higher than the first. So clearly nothing’s being learned. We’re not escaping this.
Stacey: 07:10 We have two students, Suzanne and Don, and when Suzanne first came to us, they were in the process of getting a divorce. They had been through couples counseling and it failed and were told that divorce was their only option and they had two children. The attorneys were already involved, the court date was set and Suzanne found our program and got started, but she was so inspired by what she learned was starting our program that she called her attorney and told her attorney, wait, hold off, push our court date till after this, this thing I want to go to. And she didn’t tell him what it was, but it was our three day relationship, breakthrough retreat live event. She’s like, just push the court date until after August. There’s something I need to do. I need to give something one more try. And she came to that event and the breakthrough that she was able to have at our three day event changed the course of their trajectory.
Stacey: 08:02 And afterwards she called her attorney and said, call off the divorce. I’m not getting a divorce. Keep the fees that we’ve paid. You were done. Call it off. And they started doing the work and, and Don was so inspired, he joined her, uh, in our program and started doing the work as well though. Like we always tell you don’t do the work together. They reach on their own journey. And a short time ago at one of our relation to BW meanings, dawn stood up to celebrate, I think it was their 25th or 25th wedding anniversary. And of course we were all celebrating with them because that wedding run aversary never would have happened if they hadn’t done this work. And he stood up and I wrote this down and it’s literally hanging on my wall because I never want to forget the small man. And he said, and I quote in the darkest times in my relationship, plenty of advice was available on how to leave.
Stacey: 08:53 Even my friends and family who loved offered advice on how to leave. It was only here that Paul and Stacey taught me how to stay. Thank you for saving my family. That’s the difference. That’s the difference. That’s what everyone deserves. Every single family on the planet. If we weren’t here, that family would not be together right now. And they’re one of thousands, the families on the same trajectory. But it could be millions of families because everyone deserves us. So the question is then how do you know when it’s just time to leave? What is the truth and what is the real way? Well, yeah, go ahead.
Paul: 09:38 So one truth that we have to get out there up front is this advice, right? Because your friends or family, everybody’s given this advice, but what is it really? And again, we need to see it for what it is so we can understand how to process it authentically for ourselves and make our own decisions. While advice is not really about you. Advice is about them. So in other words, again, we said like, oh, you should just leave. That’s because they reached the end of their skillset. So when you hear somebody giving advice, which is something that Stacey and I don’t do, we don’t give advice, we can tell you predictable patterns. But advice is when someone is telling you how they feel about a situation. If they had that circumstance, what would they do? But it’s all about their blueprint, their wiring, their life, their history, what they’re bringing into that situation.
Paul: 10:23 It has nothing to do with any kind of clarity necessarily. It’s just about, well this is what I would do. But they’re not living your life. They don’t have your children, they don’t have your spouse, they don’t have your circumstances or your history or your blueprint. They might not even be the same sex as you. So just know that when someone gives you advice is only as good as what they think they would have done. Because that’s exactly what they’re telling you. It’s not because they see necessarily with any kind of clarity is just like, well, if I had to decide this is what I would do. So think about who you’re getting the advice from and just know that it’s about them not so much to you.
Stacey: 10:58 Whenever somebody gives advice, all they’re doing is telling you about themselves there. That’s it. And this is on any subject advice is someone else telling you their model of the world, how they see things. I don’t care if it’s advice we did. We were just in this situation. I’ll give you a simple situation recently where we were talking to somebody about buying a new house. We’re moving and we’re buying a new house and this guy said, oh you go on bigger or smaller and Paul and I are like, well we’re going, we’re going larger because we both work from home now we need a little bit more space. And he’s like, let me tell you what, I’m going smaller and let me tell you why smaller is better. Right? Cause you’re not even at home. You travel, you don’t want the burden of that. You have better things to do than take care of lawns and all that stuff.
Stacey: 11:39 This is why smaller is better. He’s spouting off about advice about getting a smaller home that had nothing to do with me in my world. It was him talking about his own values, his own blueprint. When people give you advice on your relationship they’re doing is putting themselves in your situation and saying whether they would do, how they feel. They’re only talking about themselves. This is why Paul and I do not allow advice and our communities or in our program. I know it’s crazy, right? People come into our relationship development community. We have a private Facebook group and they’re shocked by it, right? Cause everybody thinks, oh, I’m here for relationship advice. We even have a question on our form that says, what are you joining this community for? And sometimes we will be like, I want advice about my relationship. I want to give some advice like Mac, sorry, your advisor.
Stacey: 12:29 It’s useless. It’s totally worthless. We don’t allow advice in our communities because no human on the planet has the right to tell you what you should do. Advices crap and it’s destructive. Paul and I will never give you advice. We’ll never tell you what you should do. No one has the right to do that. What do we do? This is what Paul and I do. We will show you the predictable patterns. We will always show you a predictable patterns and then the choice is yours. I’ll say you’re doing a pattern that leads to results. A, you say that you really want result B, here’s the predictable pattern that actually leads to result B. Now you know what you do with that is your choice. That’s what we do. I’ll give you an example. A guy says, hey, I want more sex with my woman and I’ll tell him, while the predictable pattern that leads to more sex with your woman is you showing up in the mature masculine for her to serve, protect, and provide in a way that she needs, right?
Stacey: 13:31 Because you’ve learned to understand the feminine and what the Feminine needs and how they need it, and the, that’s the predictable pattern to more sex. Now that predictable pattern that you’re doing is leaving her feeling unsupported and disconnected during the day. And then you’re asking for sex at night because that’s what you need. So those are the predictable patterns. One, the one that you’re doing leads to, not a lot of sex. The one that I’m describing leads to a lot of sex. Do what? That what you want. I’m not telling you what you should do and I’m not giving you advice. I’m just showing you the predictable patterns so that you can have the clarity that you want. You say you want result a, but you’re doing the pattern and that leads to be now you know, and it’s your choice. That’s what we do. That’s not advice, that’s showing predictable patterns.
Stacey: 14:14 And you choose what you want. Everybody gets to live in the outcomes that they want. So how do you know then when it’s just time to leave? Well, after doing this for a while, Paul and I noticed a pattern. It seemed that when our students got to implementing step five out of our eight step system, they had saved the relationship. Maybe not the marriage yet, but the relationship, right? They could experience their partner from heartfelt understanding, compassion, and peace. Those are the three keys, right? They rescued the relationship enough to experience their partner from heartfelt compassion and peace, and then from that place they were able to do our long term alignment, discovery process and come to one of two possible outcomes. Outcome one is, hey, now that I see this clearly and I have heartfelt compassion, heartfelt understanding, compassion and peace, I see that we just didn’t have the tools to navigate the crap that got thrown at us, but now that we do, I love you and I want to rebuild, I want to create an unshakable love with you and they rebuild the marriage are the second possible outcome is, hey, from this place of heartfelt understanding, compassion and peace, I see that we’re, we’re not aligned longterm for love, but I’m ready to create a harmonious coparenting with you as we both go on to attract and have our forever love relationships.
Stacey: 15:37 And then either way, that’s a win. Either way that’s a win.
Paul: 15:41 Can you feel the difference in that too? And if you think about it, how do most marriages, handers, anger and fighting and all of this is happening from a really negative place, a lack of clarity, but do you feel the difference of this, doing it from making those decisions, having that understanding from a very different place, which is heartfelt, understanding, compassion and peace, that’s a whole different destiny. That’s a whole different world, but that’s not where most marriages end is it? So I’m happy to say that, you know, in there, was it six, seven years we’ve been doing this. Now the people in our relationship u program have had a 1% divorce rate and a 99% success rate to date. That’s untouchable. And it’s also a case where there is still that 1% right? But it’s, it’s not ending as we saw in that last example, the way the typical marriage ends. So it’s win win across the board and it’s because it’s not demand relationship, it’s relationship development. And because working with us, our students actually implement the tools and strategies and make real change for the marriage and family, they get those different results.
Stacey: 16:43 So until you have really implemented the first five steps of our eight step system, you just can’t know. It’s a fact. This isn’t my opinion. Until you’ve really implemented the first five steps of the relationship transformation system, you can’t know until you feel heartfelt. Understanding compassion and peace for your partner. You aren’t done. You haven’t even started. Actually you’re leaving in reaction instead of doing the work to take intentional action,
Paul: 17:16 and here’s the truth. It’s not optional. Here’s the key thing that everybody needs to realize and this is what people think today is okay, like, oh, you should just leave as if you’re somehow escaping this and oh, look at you. Aren’t you free? Now? The truth is you take you with you to the next relationship, so this one didn’t work out. You don’t even know why necessarily want so bad, right? You’re showing up with the best of intentions, wondering why it went so badly, but somehow escaping this and taking you with you to the next relationship is going to solve all that sad, but that’s what most people like, oh, I’m just going to escape. This is not optional to do the work.
Stacey: 17:53 It’s not optional to not do that.
Paul: 17:54 It’s not optional to not do the work.
Stacey: 17:56 Even when the marriage ends. Parenting is forever. If you have kids together, you’re going to be in relationship with that person until you take your last breath. You’re not getting out of that. The relationship is forever. There’s no option not to rescue the relationship. And you can create your family by design
Paul: 18:14 and you know, again, you can see how we’re changing and even the face of divorce and it’s never too late. And here’s the beauty of it all and this is what’s missed by everybody who thinks they’re escaping this. The work was for you. It was never for your partner. It was always for you to do.
Stacey: 18:32 And it doesn’t matter what’s gone on in your relationship. You could be needing to recover from infidelity, money, stress, medical issues, long distance dishonesty, addictions that have wreaked havoc. Ma haven’t had sex in years or decades. No time because of kids or work. Massive work demands travel, blended family, family of origin, drama, sexual abuse, recovery, special need, kids needing attention, bankruptcy, financial stress, loss of job, whatever’s gone on that has damaged your relationship. We’ve solved at all. We’ve solved this, all of it. We have the ability to give you the skillset to take whatever those regular life things are that have damaged the relationship and navigate the relationship in the face of anything. You’re not going to run to the end of our skillset. We’ve helped thousands and thousands of people, as most people in fact came to us. He, after years of failed counseling where they were told to get a divorce and we still help them save their marriage.
Stacey: 19:37 It’s not that your marriage isn’t saved a ball, it’s that you’re stuck doing demand relationship and that’s never going to work. You never learned relationship development. It’s a skillset and it can be learned. We have loads of students who share their story about how without their program or our or without our program or event, they’d be divorced. Right now. They are the relationship transformers and they’re so passionate now about making sure that you get everything you need to do this for you and your family. In fact, you can talk to them and hear their stories and our relationship development community on Facebook every day or at our relationship breakthrough retreat, live event. I’ll tell you, don and Suzanne will be there. In fact, I bet if you go into our Facebook group this week, Susanne is there, right? Cause she serves in that group as a relationship.
Stacey: 20:27 You leadership student, she serves our community. She serves you because she’s so grateful for what we did to help save her family. The truth is if you leave your marriage at a feeling, any kind of negativity, hangry, devastated, broken, furious, guilty, desperate, pissed, whatever it is for you, then you just haven’t done the work yet that you need to do. It’s not time to leave. It’s time to act. You must be able to get to a place of heartfelt understanding, compassion, and peace and have implemented at least the first five steps of the relationship transformation system and show up from relationship development and not to man relationship in your day to day life. Then you have one of two outcomes. You’ll either rebuild the marriage or transition into harmonious coparenting and actually it may sound crazy, but both of those outcomes are equally great. Not every marriage is meant to last.
Paul: 21:29 Yeah, don’t, don’t confuse that. When Stacy and I was like, say things like any marriage, you know, any relationship we do mean it, these tools, these concepts, the perspective will help you in any relationship. But not every marriage was meant to last. And we accept that too. But here’s what I’ll also say about that, because people are so willing to just walk away these days. Sadly, you got this far for a reason. It wasn’t easy getting through the dating process. It wasn’t easy getting to the point where you decide that you want to be married and together forever, right? It wasn’t easy choosing to have children or navigating having children. So regardless of where you are on the spectrum of that, you came this far, you got this far in your relationship. It’s not likely that you’re so badly misaligned, so inflexible in the differences between how you see the world and the other person that this relationship wasn’t meant to last. Rather, it’s because of the lack of awareness and to build up over time that you feel it has become unfixable. But it’s only because of lack of skills because we don’t know what to do next. Right. We hit the end of our skillset. That’s what it is, but you didn’t get this far lightly, so it’s, there are some that were not meant to last. It’s true, but I’d say the vast majority were
Stacey: 22:43 and you just don’t know yet. That’s a fact. Until you’ve implemented those first five steps of our system. Like I said, it’s just a fact. You don’t know yet. You’re not at that place yet, so what to do next? Look, if you’re in that spot, if we can serve and support you on your journey, here’s how you do it. You can start our quick start program right now today, it’s our eight week online program. It’s our eight step relationship transformation system in an eight week online self study program. That’s where most people start. Most people start with a quick start and when they’re done with the eight weeks in the quickstart, they advance into relationship u right relationship, you was our year long program. It’s not an online self study. The curriculum is online, but you get to work with Paul and I directly. You get the coaching that you need, the immersion that you need, the live event experiences that you need, the coming to the live Q and A’s with us, like that’s an immersion relationship.
Stacey: 23:39 You is, includes coaching. It’s a whole deeper level. If you’re even thinking about divorce, you need to into relationship you as soon as you can and that’s not making it about us. It’s literally a service for you, right? You want to be in the 1%, uh, and not in the 80% divorce rate that’s out there today. Either way, you got to register to come to the relationship breakthrough retreat. You can’t learn your way to a better relationship. You have to live it and the immersion event is our requirement for your breakthrough, right? That’s why relationship brings a retreat as part of relationship. You, our relationship u students always attend, right? Because like Paul saying, when it comes to books and podcasts, like that’s all great. You got to get the knowledge and learn the skills, right? But I’m going to tell you right now because you can’t learn your way to a better relationship.
Stacey: 24:28 You can’t. People email us and they tell us their marriages ending in their partner asked for a divorce and they say, I don’t have $1,000 for your program or your event ticket. Do you have a book I can read? Look, two things. One, you cannot save a marriage with a book. You can’t. You can’t. There’s no such thing as turning a marriage around with a book. You have to be able to live it. You need new tools to show up in a moment. I’m in. The second thing is there’s no such thing as a $1,000 a divorce. There just hasn’t. So when someone says to me, I would, I, my, my partner asked for a divorce where I’m afraid of my marriage is going to end, but I don’t have 1000 bucks a to come to your event. I can’t buy an event ticket or I can’t buy the program.
Stacey: 25:11 Don’t worry, you’re not getting divorced because you can’t get divorced if you don’t have 1000 bucks. You can’t even get divorced, let alone support two households and what you’re currently struggling to support one on. There’s no such thing. Yes, listen to the podcast and we are writing the book because we want to make sure that everyone gets a relationship education, right? You can’t even do this without tools and strategies. You have to learn. You at least have to learn. But that’s not a stopping point. It’s not enough. Cognitive learning is not enough to save a marriage or turn it around. You have to experience it. You have to practice it. You have to learn these skills and tools. You have to immerse yourself into it. Like, look, if you needed heart surgery, would you want the doctor who just read a book but has never actually performed the surgery and never went to medical school?
Stacey: 26:03 But they read a great book and they’re like, hey, I think I could do it. Odds are you’re not gonna make it out of that surgery. And it’s the same thing with the person who says, Hey, we’re going to get a divorce, but instead, let me just read this book. I’m reading. The book is great, but it’s not going to transform your relationship. Snuck and turn it around. You can’t learn your way to a better relationship. You have to be able to live in and so you know you can decide not to believe us. That’s totally fine. We have watched hundreds of thousands of people navigate in and out of our programs and the people who get the results that you want. They booked their ticket to relationship breakthrough retreat. They start the quick start program and get into relationship you as soon as possible. The people who are still complaining about their lack of results, read the articles, watch a few youtube videos, never started the course or came to the event.
Stacey: 26:55 Talk themselves out of doing that and they’re still complaining about their lack of results in the relationship. You get to decide which one you are now, relationship transformers, take action. Listen, we’re not here to sell you on our programs or events. We’re fine. We have plenty to do and loads of students to serve. We’re here to offer you the opportunity to get the solution that you want. It’s truly a gift for you. It’s up to you if or when you take it. Either way is fine with us. Paul and I already have our unshakable love and her unleashed passion. We’re just trying to help you and your family and I hope you can feel that some people will and some people won’t. In fact, the deeper you’re stuck in demand relationship, the more you’re living from protection. The more you see life as a win lose, the more you’re going to filter what we’re saying right now and see it as like a sales pitch.
Stacey: 27:47 That’s okay. That’s just where you are in this moment, but some of you, some of you are inspired right now. Some of you have a light that came on. Some of you are seeing the undeniable truth of what we’re describing. Some of you see yourselves in your family and what we’re sharing. Some of you are feeling for the first time that you finally understand some of what’s been going on. Some of you are feeling the possibility of a real solution for your family and for you. Hey, maybe today is your day. Start the quickstart program today. Book your ticket to relationship breakthrough retreat. Get into relationship you as soon as you can. If you need help. Just reach out to us, let us know, email us at [email protected] see real families have been left behind and we are here to help.
Paul: 28:41 So we want to give you some action steps today because we want you to make changes, right? Showing up differently is what’s going to change your life, not just knowing something. So the first one, the first action step out of three, first one is stop. Stop giving out advice to others and notice where it might be tough for you to stop doing that. Second action step is start, start listening to others. And when you hear advice, remember it’s just them talking about them. This isn’t for you. Third action step, decide, decide what your are going to be, our next steps to take your relationship to the next level, whatever that is for you. So it was kind of like stop, drop and roll. In this case it’s stop, start and decide.
Stacey: 29:28 Hey, thanks for listening to this episode of the relationship transformer podcast. If you’re not subscribed already, be sure to do that right now. If you liked this episode, please share it, right? Take a screenshot of your phone now where you’re listening to the podcast and share it on social media and tell people, hey, check this out, right? Because remember, together we are changing the way relationship is done. Okay? Are you ready to catapult your relationship forward to the next level in just three days, surrounded by relationship transformers on the journey with you? Then go grab your live event tickets at RelationshipBreakthroughRetreat.com and I will see you there.
2 comments on 05: How Do I Know When It’s Time To Leave
So happy you found us Diana!
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