What’s The Episode About:
In this episode, Paul and Stacey will go into part two of busting the marriage and relationship myths that are misleading people today. They are going to dive into the “but my partner is not…” myths, which are the myths where people will say that their relationships are not working, or that they are hard, or that they might not be with the right person.
Key Points Discussed:
- The “but my partner is NOT” myth (01:00)
- The differences between partners are always a gift (02:11)
- Every balloon needs it’s string (04:12)
- The trigger behind why it bothers you that your partner is different (07:52)
- You’re supposed to be different (10:41)
- The battle of the invisible alignment predicament (13:34)
- Misalignments in parenting between parents (17:35)
- When you know better you do better (23:28)
- When you collaborate, what you create is bigger (26:22)
Where Can I Learn More:
When Did It Air:
June 6, 2019
Disclaimer: The Transcript Is Auto Generated And May Contain Spelling And Grammar Errors
Paul: 00:00 Hey relationship transformers. Welcome to The Relationship Transformer Podcast. So today, Stacey and I are going into part two of busting the myths. However, little surprise. This podcast ended being so long, that we actually made into two more pieces, so this is part two and the next episode will be part three. And on today’s episode, we are going to dive into the “but my partner is not…” myths.
Intro: 00:32 So the big question is this; How is it possible that one person alone can transform any relationship, save their marriage, create their unshakeable love, and unleash passion, divorce-proof their family, without needing their partner to get on board and do this with them, and yet still get to be happily, authentically you without compromise. That is the question and this podcast will give you the answer.
Stacey: 01:00 Alright, let’s start with the… “but my partner is not…” list and what we’re talking about here are the myths that people will say about why their relationship isn’t working, or why it’s so hard, or why they might not be with the right person. And we hear things like, “Well, what do you do with… I’m an entrepreneur, my partner is not, or I’m health focused, my partner is not, or I’m a saver, my partner’s a spender, or I’m…?” All of these different things that people believe that the differences between them and their partner, is part of the reasons why their relationship is so hard, and if their partner was just more like them, they wouldn’t struggle so much. Right? “Oh, well, if my partner was also an entrepreneur, this wouldn’t be a problem. If my partner was also health focused, this wouldn’t be a problem”, and so, that is a complete myth, but I will just tell you because this is what we do all day everyday. I think most people buy into it. Most people think, “Yeah, that is, that’s hard, man. Maybe you should find someone who’s also an entrepreneur.”
Paul: 01:56 Yeah.
Stacey: 01:56 “Maybe you should find someone who is also a vegan.”
Paul: 01:59 As if there was a perfect formula for this. And this…. There’s a lot more than just that. There’s, you know, parenting. One is a disciplinarian, one’s considered a cuddler.
Stacey: 02:06 Of course.
Paul: 02:07 One’s a doer, one’s not a doer.
Stacey: 02:08 So let’s take them one at a time.
Paul: 02:10 Yeah, yeah, let’s do it.
Stacey: 02:11 Alright, so let’s start with the entrepreneur. Right? Cause we hear this a lot. Alright. “I’m an entrepreneur, my partner is not”, or “I’m not an entrepreneur, but my partner is.” So let’s do this one. So people come to us and they’re like, “Hey, you know, being an entrepreneur is rough, and it’s risky, and it takes certain mindset, and I’m an entrepreneur, my partner is not, you know, that’s why it’s so hard.” Here’s what I want to offer you. The differences between you and your partner are always, always the gift for you. And, it’s one thing to say, “Well then, I want to be with a partner who is an entrepreneur. It will be so much easier.” And I actually see this happening all the time cause I… we go to marketing events, we do all kinds of things, and people who are like, “My partner doesn’t get this whole business thing. I need to just dump them, because they’re holding me back.”
Stacey: 02:55 Right? Like, that’s your family, like that’s… it’s a… a really big extreme kind of position to take. Here’s the thing, a part of marriage, part of every long-term relationship is learning how to have an incredible relationship with the differences that you have, because you can swap out your partner for an entrepreneur, and I promise you, that new partner who’s an entrepreneur, is going to have a different mindset around spirituality, or different mindset around their family of origin, or a different mindset around their parenting, and now you’re going to have other differences. If you never master how to have an unbelievable relationship with the partner who is different than you, then you’re going to be on a very lonely journey for a very long time, trying to find someone who’s just like you, because that is not possible, nor is it the point of relationship.
Paul: 03:46 Why do you want to want it? Let’s just think about this. I love to play things out to see how ridiculous some of our beliefs are, so we can really get rid of them, because they… as long as they seem to have some validity, they have a hold over us. So let’s just look at it. Let’s say you found the perfect person. They were just like you in every way. And in fact, let’s clone you. So let’s clone you, and you get to live with you, and only you for the rest of your life. Woohoo. How exciting is that?
Stacey: 04:12 Here’s the other thing I’ll say about being an entrepreneur or well, you can insert whatever you want into this. You know, I’m, you know, corporate executive and my partner is not, they don’t understand what I go through. Whatever. I often say that, uh, every balloon needs it’s string, right? So, and Paul is no question the string to my balloon all the time. See a very often the visionary, the entrepreneur is the balloon, right? The big thinker, the risk taker, the visionary wanting to go do, be. All these things grow and every balloon needs a string, right? The one who grounds us, the one who says, Hey, let’s look at this. Hey, let’s consider how we would do that. Let’s consider all the different parts of it because without a balloon, a balloon without a string is garbage because it flies away and a string without a balloon is also garbage.
Stacey: 05:02 It’s a string on the floor. We both need each other. The key is we’re total compliments for each other, total compliments for each other when we decide to see it that way. When we gain the tools to be able to collaborate with our partner instead of judging them for their different perspective and feeling like it’s a problem, that they have a different perspective than us. It’s a lack of collaboration tools that make people feel like up. Well that’s why it’s not going to work or that’s why it’s too heavy. It’s the exact same thing we talked about. I don’t remember what episode it was about. No matter what it is, when you’re like, well, I guess it’s just can’t work. You have run to the end of your skillset and this is no different than that, so let’s talk about health, right? Someone says, I’m super health conscious, I love to eat. Everything’s organic. I’m Vegan, I to juice her around. My partner eats Twinkies and you who every single day and it’s just driving me crazy. I just can’t be with somebody who’s not health conscious. This isn’t going to work out where two different, again, it is about having not having collaboration skills, not being able to create some kind of alignment that helps you design your family in a way that honors both of you. You’re going to talk about that one for a minute.
Paul: 06:24 Do you know, first of all, that’s our first fail point? No, Stacey and I will always show you how like it’s, it’s the fact that you’re in such resistance and such demand relationship with that other person that they must change to suit your needs. That energy alone is killing any chance you have of actually having them see things the way you really intended them to be. Meaning like, Hey, actually there’s another point here he might want to consider, but they’re going to white knuckle grip against you as if you’re an an an an invisible tug of war. As long as you want to keep pulling hard on that other one and resist this, they’re gonna keep pulling back on the other side of that rope just as hard. And that’s how it goes. So the funny thing is the more you refuse to accept the fact that they can be different, the less likely you are to have any success and actually achieving the kinds of insights he wanted to.
Stacey: 07:09 So one of the things that I would say here, and I’ll use health as the example is when you’re looking at your partner and let’s say you’re like super healthy eater and your partner like eats garbage all the time, why do you need them to change? What is it that you’re afraid of? What does that mean to you? I’m really asking, I want you to really look at this and that you can insert any difference here that you have between you and your partner. What does it mean? And I worked with plenty of of people, so I know a lot of the answers, right? People that are like, well, I’m afraid that they’re going to get sick if they don’t eat well and then they’re going to not be well or they’re going to die early or they’re going to teach that to our children.
Stacey: 07:52 And then, uh, okay. There are skills that you can develop to actually handle and solve all of those things and also allow your partner to have the journey on this planet that they want to have this go round and unattached from your needs around that and live a great happy life in a family dynamic. You’re not a party of one. You decided to get married, you decided to have children. You’re now a team. You can’t demand that everybody on the team be do and see things exactly like you. It doesn’t work that way. No one else on the planet was put here to do things exactly the way you want them done. So I get it. You may not have the skillset yet to collaborate and to align on things and to create a family by design that way. But whatever your trigger is around why it bothers you that your partner is different, that’s your responsibility to solve it. You want, yeah, go ahead.
Paul: 08:55 Yeah, and I just also want to bring out another dynamic too, like so for like if you look at a business, for example, if you had a business of 10 people, you’ve got like 10 employees and all of them had exactly your same skill set, saw things exactly your same way. How successful would you be in your business? You wouldn’t last very long, right? Because you have not brought in your ability to do anything outside of you, even though now you have 10 people doing, you haven’t complimented yourself, limited yourself. So in other words, you’d have to be a master of marketing, a master of whatever your business line is, a master of law, Asians or money and legal and,
Paul: 09:31 and that’s how it goes. Why do businesses hire all these people with different skillsets? Because they need them because together they create the whole, that is so much more than anyone could have been and that’s what happens in your relationship and by trying to say there shouldn’t be these differences, you’re actually shooting yourself in the foot in the sense that you’re, you’re limiting yourself and your world and your own growth and your own development to just what you already know and that’s what we ended up trying to force upon others.
Stacey: 09:57 Awesome. That’s a great lead into the next one. Like I’m a growth person and my partner is not had a quick start. Student of ours posted the other day. He’s like, I have a trigger and I need some help pulling it out. I’m a growth and development person. I love to consume courses and growth stuff and my wife is not and it, I have a massive trigger when I get into bed and I’m listening to an audio book or I’m reading a book or doing a program and I look over and she’s consuming Netflix and watching reality shows and all kinds of things that I consider garbage and a waste of time. It really bothers me and I wonder if we really are aligned to be in this relationship long term because she’s not a growth person and he is. And of course he said, cause he’s a relationship transformer.
Stacey: 10:41 Help me with this trigger. I know this is my trigger. Please help me pull it out. That is the perspective. It’s not. If you stop at, Hey, I don’t really know if this can work because we’re so different. Oh my gosh. Like literally you’re supposed to be different. There’s 8 million people on the planet and there are not too. When I say million, I think I love you see the strength in my balloon, I’m like all off on my thing. It’s 8 million a billion. We think right? People on the planet, not two alike. You’re supposed to be different and so as I shared with him, as I share with you, it is your job to look in at your trigger and say, why does this bother me? What does this mean? What am I making this about and why do I need her to be like me in order to feel like we could be together?
Paul: 11:35 And really what it comes down to her or this perceived difference, you know, it’s creating this isolation between the two of you that is completely created by you. So what it comes down to is the demand relationship and the win-lose model. So in other words, I perceive a difference between me and my partner. One of under that win-lose model has to be right and the other one has to be wrong. And I’m doing that in air quotes. And then so if we don’t want to be the one who is wrong, right? Because we have this fear and this wind lose dynamic like, oh, I can’t be the one to lose, I must be right. Or we just believe clearly everybody in the whole world sees things exactly as I do. And I’m obviously right and clearheaded and my partner clearly just isn’t getting it right. So there’s this whole rap in our minds of how important it is that we’re right and we want need to convince them of why we are right and it’s should be our way or else we feel like we lose. Right. And then we have to conform to their way.
Stacey: 12:31 Yeah. And that’s really the, the bottom of all of this. Every single time you perceive a difference between you and your partner and it makes you uncomfortable and you have that trigger, it absolutely comes down to the very deep wind lose wiring, the demand relationship wiring in your blueprint of this my way or your way. And one of us has to be right and the other one has to be wrong. So I need to convince you why I’m right, where else I’m going to have to conform to your way and I’m going to lose. And that is, that goes back to, you know, school and Childhood and all kinds of stuff. I mean, it’s really, really deep. I’m not discounting it. And you cannot have an unshakable love relationship if you are constantly getting unknowingly jerked into this wind lose dynamic. It doesn’t work. It’s been an invisible force that has been jerking you around, that has been triggering you, that has been impacting your relationship and you didn’t even know it.
Stacey: 13:34 That’s what it comes down to. We can talk about this from any perspective, right? I’m a saver and my partner is not there. Is there a spender? Um, I’ve done this work a long time. One of the things I think I’ve realized is it seems to me that everyone attract someone with the opposite money mindset of themselves. If you really start to look, you’ll see it. Like there’s this, this lovely little joke that the version that you fall in love with has an opposite money mindset to you. I’ve not ever seen two people with the same money mindset be together, and that’s for your benefit. So, but if you don’t have the skills, if you don’t know the tools to collaborate, to truly create alignment, um, this will be a constant battle of what we call the invisible alignment predicament, right? Where you enter into and you’re like, well, just because we fell in love, we’re going to see money the same way.
Stacey: 14:29 Right, right. Or just because we fell in love, we’re going to totally see parenting the same way, right? Until something flies out of your spouse’s mouth towards one of your kids and you’re like, oh my God, don’t say that to Johnny. You’re going to scar him forever. Right. You which the invisible alignment predicament is based in demand relationship thinking. They’re going to be just like me. They’re going to see it the same way as I do, and if they don’t, I’ve got to convince them like we got to get on the same page. It’s so funny how many times people come to us and the rug, I’m here because my partner and I need to get on the same page in our parenting. I’m here because my partner and I need to get on the same page in our money, but that’s not what they really mean. What they really mean is I’m here because I need to get my partner on the same page as me with my parenting. I mean here because I need to get my partner on the same page with me about my money.
Stacey: 15:19 And so that doesn’t work right, that no work because it’s all based in demand relationship and in demand relationship when there’s one power player in the other one is the non power player. Nobody needed to learn the skills of alignment. I mean if you just look 50 years ago did, did a man really need his wife’s alignment in money? No. Did a woman really need to gain her husband’s alignment and parenting? No, because when there’s demand relationship, the non power player just aligns. They do whatever the power player is doing as the lead and yet when we all became free and we all have really good ideas about our money and our parenting, we’re individuals, we’re smart, we’re passionate, we have values, we have dreams, we have once well so does your partner. You both do. And yet nobody taught us the simple collaboration tools to be able to say, okay, what’s your dream for our kids and our parenting? What’s your blueprint for our our kids in our parenting and how can we create something out of the two of us? How can we create a third, a global alignment perspective for our family that allows both of us to live our dreams, that allows both of us to heal our fears, that allows both of us to create something that we can both get behind without either one of us sacrificing what’s authentic for ourselves?
Paul: 16:44 And the truth is, any time you create what we call to what we call an others have called the mastermind, you know you have more than one mind getting together on a solution. You will always end up with something much more magnificent than either one could have done alone. There’s a synergy that happens when you truly know how to do this, and he started doing this as a way of life will radically transform your destiny and everyone you interact with but are false belief, which is what we’re trying to remove for you today. That they should just see it my way and I’m actually right or somehow I’m wrong or any of these other things that hold us back from actually working out that true mastermind to create something synergistic and greater than ourselves is where the problem is. Because we’re not even open to it. We’re not even thinking that there’s a reason we just think they’re wrong. And we go back to blame and we’ve talked about that in past episodes and what does that do to us? Leaves us powerless.
Stacey: 17:35 Amen. So let’s talk about parenting for a minute. Um, because we see this everywhere all the time is you know, one parent is like the disciplinary and then the other parent is like the cuddler, the nurturer. Um, and they constantly disagreeing with each other about how to parent. Most families today, the parents are disagreeing with each other on the fly in front of the kids about how parenting should be done, right? Dad comes home or mom comes home and the kids are, are playing and the homework is not done. And that says, Hey, is that homework done? You need to get that homework done before you’re playing like this. And mom says, oh, they had a hard day. They were in school all day. Just play, let a play. They’ll do their homework later. Like that’s just one simple example of how parents are unaligned in parenting and disagree right on the fly in front of the kids.
Paul: 18:29 Yeah. And that weakens them honestly as a parent, the QC that there’s division and you know, kids are really adaptable. Whether they do a consciously or even unconsciously and instinctively. Amen. They will leverage those divides and play one against the other to get what it is that they want. What’s even worse is even when it doesn’t happen in front of the child, I’m not even sure which one is worse, but when one parent does it with the child and uh, and undermines the other parent with a child because they do not have this alignment, the destructive nature of not having alignment in your parenting in these ways goes really far. He has super deep legs. And yet we, without this awareness, go into this thinking that somehow, okay, and we’ll work this out. But you never do. And then this kind of negative dynamic festers within the family and it creates more instability for the children, which creates more reaction from them cause they an instinctive level also understand that hey, things aren’t exactly stable around here and causes them to act out. There’s so many negative dynamics.
Stacey: 19:26 They lose their sense of certainty and safety when mom and dad are not rock solid aligned.
Paul: 19:31 So really these little things that seem little that we’re bringing up here are not little, which is why we try to bring back the layers. We peel back the layers so people stop and say, wow, you know what? I’ve never seen it that way before. I’ve seen it now. And I actually do see that this is a problem. And that’s the opening so that you can actually do something about it. Because you know, unfortunately culturally, so many dynamics that we see on a regular basis at Stacey and I help people unravel or socially acceptable as the norm. And we’ll talk more about that of course is,
Stacey: 20:02 oh my gosh. Yeah. So here’s the thing with parenting in the moment, something happens and your partner does something with kids that you are like vehemently against and so you jump in right there, right? You jump in and tell your kid, no, no, no, it’s okay. You can, you can play. Don’t listen to Daddy. Like you could do your homework later. Right? And why do we do that? Believe it or not, we do that based on a scarcity mindset. It comes down to a scarcity mindset that I have to say something right now where there’s going to be damaged to the kids, right? I have to do, I have to do right now, like we’re, I’m never going to say this. See, that’s why we teach inside the moment tools and outside the moment tools inside the moment with your parenting, your number one goal is to align with your partner and outside the moment when your children are not present, you actually solve all of these things that you observe, where you finally realize you’re unaligned and you use tools and strategies to really solve it outside the moment.
Stacey: 21:06 So the next time, a moment like that comes up, you and your partner already created predetermined alignment. You know how they’re going to show up. You know how you’re going to show up and you guys can keep going, but we don’t ever get those tools. We don’t ever have that. That’s why Paul and I are creating our relationship development parenting program because everybody needs these tools and strategies for how to show up in the moment, how to create alignment when you have such polar differences. Here’s one more thing I’m going to say about the polar differences in parenting. The degree to which your partner is white knuckling their parenting position is in direct proportion to the degree to which you are white knuckling yours, meaning your partner, whether they realize it or not is instinctually trying to balance you out. So if they believe very strongly that a good behavior in kids comes from discipline and from rules and from obeying and whatever it is that they believe and you are going to the extreme in the opposite direction to try to compensate and make sure your kids know I love you no matter what and you can’t do anything wrong and I love you unconditionally and everything is okay and whatever you do is fine.
Stacey: 22:21 They’re going to go more in the opposite direction towards disciplinarian to overcome the perceived coddling that they feel you’re doing with the kids that’s taking away their goals for their children and you’re going to do more coddling in opposition to their disciplinary aneurysm because you’re trying to make sure your kids are loved in spite of the disciplinary actions that are going on
Paul: 22:42 and let that polarization sink in for a period of weeks or months or years. And you can see how this seems like an impossible situation and what was the root cause? We ran to the end of our skillset.
Stacey: 22:54 Amen.
Paul: 22:55 What to do.
Stacey: 22:56 That’s why we have tools in our toolbox, like the roadmap to collaboration and all of the alignment and parenting tools, and it’s just a process that you both get to go through where neither one has to give up their beliefs, their dreams to be able to just settle or, or give into the other person’s way. You can both have everything that you want for your children and create an alignment where both people can be authentically who they are. It’s just a skill set.
Paul: 23:28 And you know, I just want to say something at this point too, because you know, hopefully you’ve been listening to at least several of these episodes and you’re, you might be some people out there might be thinking, oh, I’m doing such a terrible job, I, I’m, I’m so bad. Or whatever the case may be. Because you see a lot of these dynamics playing out in your own or your own relationships. And I just want to say to you, first of all, there’s nothing wrong with you. If, if it wasn’t going on on such a massive scale, how would we be able to tell you exactly what you, it really is a case where no one has taught us this. And when you know better, you do better. You’re already here, you’re already way ahead of the people who are not on this, right? So when you know better, you do better. And it’s kind of like blaming a kid for not knowing how to, let’s say your two year old, oh my gosh, why can’t they read something wrong with you? No, they weren’t right. So there’s nothing wrong with you and I don’t want anybody out there and feeling like, oh, I’m doing such a bad job. You’re not. You’re doing a job that was with the best of intentions and he just reached the end of your skill set. That’s all. It’s just see it for what it is.
Stacey: 24:30 This is why we’re always teaching you that relationship is nothing more than a skillset. And it’s a skill set you weren’t given. And the Kerfuffles that you see in your family are just the symptom of a skillset that’s not there. And it might seem like it’s unsolvable, but I’m telling you thousands and thousands and thousands of our students are solving these day by day, by day, by day one after another, knocking them out with proven solutions that work that are simple. We just were never given them. You can do this. Every one of these ruffles can be solved, but I’m going to tell you very, very directly the solution to these differences is not finding a partner who is more similar to you. Absolutely not. Honestly, if you never learn this skillset of being able to culture an amazing relationship with someone different than you, you’re going to be replacing people until the day you die like this.
Stacey: 25:29 You can escape this and in fact if you’re a feminine and you want to be a partner with the masculine or your masculine, you want to be a partner with the feminine. Well guess what buddy? Like that is it. That’s the king pin of differences. The differences from the gut, grand canyons scope of differences and we’ll get to that I’m sure in future podcasts, but like you cannot, the answer to your kerfuffles is not, I need somebody who sees it my way. That is a demand relationship exit. I either need to convince you that my way is right and you drop your way or I have to go. That is pure demand relationship. When loose dynamic, the solution is to learn how to collaborate and allow an except so differences are really the gift. When the two of you collaborate together, like Paul said, what you create is bigger than you would have had with just one of you and the key is one except except that they’re different and they’re supposed to be to understand, start to understand their differences, their model of the world and then three are appreciate, learn how to appreciate the gifts that there are differences actually bring to you.
Stacey: 26:51 You know, at Rbr, at our live event. On Day two we dive into the tools and strategies for this and so much more. It’s totally life changing, but I always share, there are no two people that are more polar opposites than me. And this man right here, absolutely. Amen. We are polar opposites in every way possible. Like I am the visionary and Paul is the anchor.
Paul: 27:15 I’m the one who follows through. I look for the flaws. I’m not looking at big picture. I’m like, how do we get this done?
Stacey: 27:21 I’m highly excitable and super emotional. And Paul like, yeah,
Paul: 27:25 act on an instinct and follow through without thinking it through and I will not act without thinking it through and planning it.
Stacey: 27:32 I am the son. He is the mood, like every possible way. Sunshine. I am definitely dark. We are polar opposites. And because Paul brings everything to the table that I do not possess myself.
Paul: 27:50 And likewise,
Stacey: 27:51 he is the greatest gift in my life.
Paul: 27:55 So if you choose to, you know, decide that you want to be with you and only you for the rest of your life, that is a choice. But that’s a sad choice from our perspective.
Stacey: 28:05 Yeah, it really is the key. It’s, it’s a skillset.
Paul: 28:10 Okay. In the next episode, we will dive into the “but my partner is…” myths. “But my partner is depressed. My partner has anxiety. My partner is a narcissist”, and all the other labels that are holding us back. And this is a big one, so we will see you next week with that episode.
Stacey: 28:31 Okay. Are you ready to catapult your relationship forward to the next level, in just three days, surrounded by relationship transformers on the journey with you? Then go grab your live event tickets at RelationshipBreakthroughRetreat.com and we will see you there.