What’s The Episode About:
In this episode, Paul and Stacey will continue with part two of their ‘Reignite The Passion’ series, and talk about what actually kills the passion in long-term relationships. It is something that impacts almost everyone at some point in their long-term relationship, and yet it remains invisible to almost everyone.
They are going to expose that passion killer today to empower you to reignite the passion. Whether you are in a long-term relationship or think you will be in the future, this episode is for you.
Key Points Discussed:
- Passion organically fades in a long-term relationship (01:20)
- Loves goes deeper with sameness (02:30)
- Breaking the belief that something is wrong with you (03:33)
- You have to create that hotter and more amazing passion (08:56)
- Feminine core energy and masculine core energy (10:01)
- Being a nice guy mutes who you are authentically (13:24)
- Suppressing our natural core energy makes us unhappy (16:32)
- Focusing on yourself instead of your partner (23:12)
Where Can I Learn More:
Get your ticket to the next Relationship Breakthrough Retreat here: http://bit.ly/rbr_podcast
When Did It Air:
June 27, 2019
Disclaimer: The Transcript Is Auto Generated And May Contain Spelling And Grammar Errors
Paul: 00:00 Hey Relationship Transformers. Welcome to the Relationship Transformer Podcast. And today, Stacey and I are continuing with part two of our reignite the passion podcast, and talking about what actually kills the passion in long-term relationships. So this is so critical. It is something that impacts almost everyone at some point in their long-term relationship. It kills passion, and yet it remains invisible to almost everyone. So we’re going to expose that passion killer today to empower you to reignite the passion. So let’s queue up the intro and dive in.
Intro: 00:36 So the big question is this; How is it possible that one person alone can transform any relationship, save their marriage, create their unshakeable love, and unleash passion, divorce-proof their family, without needing their partner to get on board and do this with them, and yet still get to be happily, authentically you without compromise. That is the question and this podcast will give you the answer.
Stacey: 01:05 Alright, so here’s the thing. Now, it’s time to dive into what actually kills passion. And it does happen organically. So many people think, “Oh my gosh. What happened to the passion? What’s wrong with us? What’s wrong with me? What’s wrong with you?” Nothing. Passion will organically fade in a longterm relationship, and I’m going to explain the dynamic of why. It doesn’t mean that it’s a life sentence. It means it’ll organically fade unless you know how to switch it back on. And we’re going to talk to you about that too. So here’s the thing, Paul and I created a tool to explain this. We call it “The love and passion seesaw.” So, love and passion kind of works like a seesaw. The higher and higher your love goes, the lower and lower your passion goes. Right? The… the deeper and deeper you go into love, the passion starts to fade away.
Stacey: 01:54 They work in opposite directions. Why? Because love is created from sameness. Right? Sameness starts out having things in common, having a friendship together, then you get deeper into your relationship. You have more and more things in common, you start to have friends in common, you start to have activities in common, you go further into a long term relationship, you start living together, you have the house in common, your things in common, then you have kids, you have kids in common, more activities in common, more and more and more in common. You’re going deeper and deeper and deeper into love, which is wonderful because love goes deeper with sameness. However, that sameness is not so great for passion comes from differences, the spark of the difference between you and your partner and in the beginning there are lots of differences. Everything is new. Did I ever tell you that story about Barbara, and we pledged together, and the chicken wings that night and the place, and you’re like, “What? That’s a great story. Who’s Barbara? Tell me.”
New Speaker: 03:00 And then 25 years later you’re like, “Do you remember telling you about Barbara…?” “Like yes, with the sorority, and the chicken wings, and the place. I’ve heard it a hundred times.” Right? So it’s like, we start out, everything’s all new and shiny and fresh. There’s lots of it’s of differences, lots of passion, but over time we go deeper and deeper into love. We have more and more in common, and the fit… the very thing that created the passion, all the differences start to fade away, and we lose the passion in our long-term love relationship, and it happens organically. That is a fact. So first of all, you can break the false belief that there must be something wrong with me. There must be something wrong with him or her, or “What happened to us, we used to be so hot, and now we’re not. It must be these kids. It’s so hard to be a parent and I’m always sweaty.”
Paul: 03:52 “If I didn’t have this job.”
Stacey: 03:53 “And I have puke on my sweatshirt, and in my ponytail, and somebody peed on me today. And so, I guess I’m not hot”, or right, “If I didn’t work all day, and all the things that we think.”
Paul: 04:04 There are so many reasons why we can look at anything. And then again, we’ll blame that thing outside of us as to why something that’s actually inside of us has changed
Stacey: 04:13 and we’re just trying to justify it. We’re trying to make sense of it. That’s what the brain does. The brain says, okay, let’s figure out why. And hopefully, the reason why is not going to be that there’s anything wrong with me. So let me figure this out. Um, and so just free yourself, first of all for yourself.
Stacey: 04:29 There’s nothing wrong with you. Passion feeds in a longterm relationship and it happens organically. Now, as we talked about in the last podcast as Paul shared, so everyone over time has just resolved that the symptom is the factor that the symptom is the cause. The symptom people don’t have passion and hotness anymore in their longterm relationships is somehow a fact. Like, oh well that’s just what happens. That’s what happens over time. Yes, that’s what happens. That doesn’t mean it has to happen. We can greet a skill set that can change that. So people have kind of resolve themselves like, Whoa, I don’t know what you thought this was going to be like. Or you know, well we have kids now, so I guess we’re not going to just drop and have sex on the kitchen table anytime. Like it’s not, doesn’t have to be that way.
Stacey: 05:20 Not having sex is a symptom, not having hot sex or frequent sex is a symptom, not a cause. And so yes, there’s an organic progression and there’s something you can do to not only bring the passion back to normally reignite the passion but actually to take your passion hotter, higher, better, more often than it’s ever been. Because the truth is with the right skillset, your passion can go way up the deeper you go into love and trust with your partner. We, Paul and I just going to say we have been together for 20-something years. Yeah. Paul is,
Paul: 06:04 we have, we have, well just, I mean let’s put it into context too for everybody cause I want to get rid of all the excuses. Yeah. We obviously have a busy business. Yes. We have two children. We worked day and night sometimes just to get things done that have to be done on time. We are completely different people. Yup. Opposite ends of the spectrum.
Stacey: 06:21 I’m 48
Paul: 06:23 I’m 51 to shut them off. 50 52 somewhere in there. I’m not even sure how old
Stacey: 06:31 and,
Paul: 06:31 and we’ve been together for 22 years and I will just say, and I know that this is where Stacey is going with this, we have more sex than anybody else on the planet. I think at this point, compared to what we’re discovering as we go through this year, after year, is hotter, better than anything that anybody’s having that as far as we’re concerned, when they start a relationship, which actually has its own challenges in that area, to be honest with you. So any excuse that you think you have, like, no, that’s just gone forever. That’s the only when you’re dating or that’s the only when you’re young or that’s only if you don’t have kids or like throw in, excuse x, Y, and z. Here you’re just again fooling yourself and accepting what the common mantra is all around you. And we’re here to tell you that the facts are quite different.
Stacey: 07:13 And the other way, the level of passion and sex that Paul and I have at this point in our lives is literally what we call unleashed passion. The kind of sex where afterward you’re like, Hey, remind me again why we do anything else with our time ever. Right. Insane levels of ecstasy that you didn’t even know humans can reach. And I say that because that’s what happens for me on a regular basis where I think there is no level above this level and then boom, there is a level above that level, uh, having sex every day, having insane levels of unbelievably ravishing passion and not even just sex touching each other all the time, kissing each other all the time. Uh, people are often uncomfortable around me.
Paul: 08:02 We, we take trips and you know, one of the things we do is we do live events on and awesome locations. So we’re flying and I, I can’t tell you how many times like we’re going to be, we’re in like first class. Typically we’ll fly first class and we’re up there and the stewardess will come over and be like, you know, cause we’re going to like an a tropical location for example. They’re like, oh is it your honeymoon? And we look at each other and we laugh and we’re like, no, we’ve been together for 20 some years and we’ve got two kids, busy business and they just freeze. They look at us, they don’t know what to do. It’s so funny that you get the same reaction. It happens all the time for different people in different environments. And when they find out that that’s the case, they don’t, they, they’re speechless. They have nothing to say. And they look confused and they kind of walk away. Cause like you, yeah, I thought you were on your honeymoon because you guys are holding hands. You guys seem happy. Like this does not compute. That’s sad. But that’s what we, you can
Stacey: 08:56 have it and it actually can be way hotter and more amazing because you have the level of relationship that you do. But it’s not something that’s going to happen to you. You have to create it. And it’s a skillset and it can be learned. And one of the greatest things that you can do to reignite the passion is to bring back the differences in your relationship. Cultivate the differences that you’ve lost. And the number one difference that has the biggest result far and away over all the others combined is the difference between masculine and Feminine Energy and the differences between the masculine and the feminine. Create that spark, create that heat, create that passion. I’m right now we have a masculine and feminine energy flip flop going on. And Paul and I speak from experience because when we first started our relationship, we were in this exact flip flop.
Stacey: 10:01 So I was very much operating from my masculine. I am a feminine core energy. And by the way, we use words like feminine, Masculine Man, woman. Uh, what we mean is your core energy, feminine core energy or masculine core energy. Doesn’t matter what body you come in. You can be a feminine core energy and come in a man’s body. You can be a masculine core energy and come in a woman’s body. We don’t care. Like, it doesn’t matter what your wrapper is, that’s your business. We’re just talking about your core, authentic energy. And everybody has both masculine and feminine, but like 99 or so percent of the population. I know I shouldn’t quote percentages, right? Have a dominant core energy that they are really relate to in their authentic core. And some of us are very, very disconnected from that or in talk about that now, but that remains.
Stacey: 10:48 So I am a feminine core energy. Paul is definitely a masculine core energy. And I was, when we first started our relationship 100% operating from my masculine, I was totally disconnected from my feminine. Um, not only was I disconnected from my feminine, I had disdain for a feminine energy. I miss understood what feminine energy was like so many people and thought feminine energy was weakness and needy and, and Blah. And I don’t want any part of that. Um, because I was raised as a strong independent woman to take care of yourself, rely on nobody, always provide for yourself and by the most well-meaning protective people in my world. Um, it also encouraged, never rely on a man because look at what happens, right? You’ll be left. And so I operated from my masculine. I learned how to put on my masculine mask, pick up my masculine tools, and by the way, go to work in a very masculine corporate America where it wasn’t really okay to be feminine like you had to compete and amount of skill in world and more masculine in order to do so.
Stacey: 11:55 And I got very, very good at that because what I did was I took the masculine operating skills that, that I had at work and started bringing that home with me and to all my relationships. Because after so many broken hearts and so many disappointments and so much, so many tears, I finally was like, you know what? Screw this. I’m done with being heard. I’m done with all of that. This is working so well for me in corporate. I’m just going to man up in my personal life too. I’m tired of carrying, I’m tired of getting hurt. It seems like, uh, he’s not hurt. I am. I need to be more like him and somehow do cruel things to people and then not give a shit. So let me try that out. And so I brought that masculine operating into my personal world too, and started operating more from my masculine and disconnecting from my feminine.
Paul: 12:41 And there are a lot of reasons why this became what it is and we see it everywhere now. But on my side, going back to the same example, you know, back when I first met Stacey, I was disconnected from my masculine core. I would show up in this very muted, just even, but calm, disconnected, kind of a way. Never in any way did it, was I perceived as intense or a threatening or bring any kind of serious energy to any situation to break through a challenge. It was always just like muted and calm and peaceful. And I knew where my core, that’s not who I was, but I had learned I had. There’s a lot of reasons behind that. Why had learned and decided that I should, I should show up this way because I don’t want to be seen as threatening or too intense or a bad guy.
Paul: 13:24 You know, he’s trying to be this good guy, but I wasn’t. I was being a nice guy and that was not authentic. And don’t get me wrong, it’s good to be nice, right? But there’s a huge distance of reality between being nice and being a good guy. I will always recommend always be a good guy, honor, integrity. I will not recommend being a nice guy pleaser, pleaser because that’s what that implies. Meaning you’re going to mute who you authentically are, where somehow hold back just to please someone else. And that’s not going to lead to any kind of great life, nor will it lead to fulfillment for you as a person, especially for masculine energy.
Stacey: 14:00 But for Paul, like a lot of guys, he had received a lot of flack when he was really young for his intensity, for his masculine energy, for his fierceness and told, hey man, you know, don’t be threatening like that. Don’t bring that around here. Get that out of here. And so Paul became a more gentle, passive, disconnected from his masculine energy and, and disconnected from his energy completely.
Paul: 14:23 Yeah. So it really wasn’t me who was showing up every day. I had learned and controlled my inner self so that I showed up in a way that just looked different. And that’s, that happens on both sides, whether it’s the masculine side or the feminist side, we do this.
Stacey: 14:37 It’s the masculine, Feminine Flip Flop. And maybe you can relate to where Paul and I were. Maybe that’s what’s going on in your relationship as well. And when that happens, there’s no passion. There’s no heat, there’s no attraction, right? The Feminine wants a strong masculine presence who’s rooted and has honor and integrity and will serve and protect and provide for her. And the masculine wants the open and vulnerable and nurturing and loving and open feminine woman because that’s what he’s, uh, he’s attracted to. And that’s what brings out the masculine in him. And so we have this feminine and Masculine Energy Flip Flop. And I know that’s kind of like a short way of saying it. And not everybody’s going to relate to what I’m saying. In our courses, in our events, we do like hours and hours and hours of teaching around this and teaching skills and what’s authentic. And it’s, it’s important for you to get to your authentic flavor of masculine and your authentic flavor of feminine.
Stacey: 15:37 There’s no one flavor of masculine energy. There’s no one flavor of feminine. You sure as hell don’t have to be like me to be feminine. You don’t have to be like Paul to be masculine. Yeah. Your core energy is as authentic to you as your fingerprints. Like just, you have to be your version of it, your flavor. But a lot of us have been conditioned to not be who we really are. That it’s not okay to show up and your feminine or it’s not okay to bring your masculine energy. And we’ve ended up in what we call this flip flop. And when you have that, the passion fizzles. But when you can bring back your connection to your authentic core energy, it is a game changer. It is not just a game changer in your passion, but even in yourself. Yeah, that’s what I want to talk about. Re reconnecting to the math. Yeah. For you.
Paul: 16:32 So whichever side of this equation you’re on, if you’re suppressing your natural core energy, whether that’s feminine or masculine men, you’re going to find yourself unhappy and not even sure why you’re unhappy. And yet showing up every day looking for reasons outside of yourself to justify, you know this, this feeling, this whole that’s in you have like, I’m not happy, I’m not satisfied. And on the feminine side, if you try to show up in a, in a masculine mask, yet day after day, you will burn yourself. Banks, it is exhausting because it’s not authentic for you. And the same thing for the masculine, for the masculine. If you try to show up in a more pleasing, more nurturing, more disconnect, disconnected way from your core energy, what will happen for you is you’ll lose a sense of purpose. You’ll lose that zeal for life. And what will happen for us is just like, ah, I don’t know why I want to do anything. Like you just, it zaps the entire energy system from inside of who we are. Yes, because we’re wired for purpose. We’re wired for so many things. And if you’re not embracing it and it, and you lose touch with it again, you didn’t lose it. Just like before. He didn’t lose it on the train, on the way to work. One day it’s in you. But we’ve practiced so much to suppress it. What was authentically us that we lose touch with it and we feel ourselves just lost and unhappy.
Stacey: 17:48 It’s true. I’ll use example, you know, the masculine is wired to serve, to protect per buy. Like that’s just what, and the mature masculine always for others, not selfishly, but for others. And of course, uh, as feminine, I can serve, protect and provide with the best of them. Again, one is not right and one is not wrong. One is not better and one is not worse. One is not higher and one is not lower. Everybody’s equal. But we are very different. We are equal and different. Uh, doesn’t mean you can’t do any of these things. You can do anything and you are naturally wired a certain way. So I’ll use myself as an example. When I was protecting myself as an independent woman when I was providing, providing, providing. I can do that all day long and eventually I burnt out. I eventually would hit a rock bottom and ladies, I don’t know if you can relate to this experience. I would end up crying and ranting and screaming through my house was saying I do everything around here. Nobody else does anything. I’m always taking care of everything. Everything is on my back. When is it going to be my turn? When is anybody else going to do anything for me because I hit the end. My oil lamp was empty and I was still trying to burn the fire. It depletes us were chemically not wired for that we can but it depletes us. Whereas when the masculine provides,
Paul: 19:20 it fills us up. If we can achieve something in a way that like serves and provides or make some kind of a difference, you know for a partner, for four children somewhere like when we can achieve that, that success is like, yes, I won, I scored here, I made a difference. I matter. I’ve got purpose. There’s so many things that comes from is from that that will do it over and over and over. It’s never exhausting. It’s fulfilling that even if it’s like it’s arduous to get from point a to point B, truth is that just makes it all the more valuable to us. Like, wow, that was quite a ride and I did it right? You get lights us up,
Stacey: 19:55 Paul’s like a machine. He get going and going, going, going, go. Whereas I will get worn out from those types of things. And, and of course there’s a million other differences between the masculine and feminine. We take a deep dive in this and uh, let’s see, module three and six of our program and then on day two and three of our event. But honestly, bringing back your connection to your core energy, the whole point is it not only reignites the passion, but between you, it reignites the passion with in you for life. So you’re not in resistance to life. You’re not feeling burdened. You’re not feeling disconnected. Even from your own passion. You have more energy. You have more, uh, purpose. You’re awake, you feel energized, you more authentically, you. You finally feel the freedom to show up as who you authentically are, to be loved for your authentic self, even with the things that you think are so unlovable about yourself.
Stacey: 21:01 Instead of what a lot of us have done, which is tried to show up as something that we’re not, just because we think that’s what we need to do to be successful. And then we don’t even get success in that. We don’t even get what we want from that. We see all the damage and why his life this way. This is not what I thought it would be at this point. And you know, I didn’t even want to be like this. I became this because I thought that’s what I had to be in. I didn’t even get the rewards like that. Socks. And so when you reconnect to your core, authentic feminine energy, when you reconnect to the mature, masculine rooted energy within you, the benefits are unbelievable. But what happens between the two of you, with your passion is the passion goes off the charts.
Stacey: 21:46 Now you don’t both have to do this in order to get the benefit. This is where so often if I’m talking to a woman who’s feminine, she’ll say, but my partner is not in his masculine and so I need him to get into his masculine for this to work. Or if I’m talking to a man who’s in his masculine, he’ll say, but my partner’s totally operating from her masculine and she’s totally close to me so I need her to open to me in order for this to work. Now [inaudible] there are skills, there are tools, there are things that we’re doing that either prolong, perpetuate, that’s the word, perpetuate our partner to be in their opposite energy and there are things that we can do to cultivate and bring out the authentic energy in our partner. I’m mature masculine man can absolutely show up in a way that encourages his woman to open to him and a feminine woman can show up in a way that cultivates and calls upon the mature masculine to come forward and serve her. We’ve both done that for each other. Absolutely.
Paul: 22:54 It really is a case where either side, like it’s always been one person transforming the relationship. This is another great example of that. Either side can create the shift to start the dynamics shifting because everything is connected. So again, if you show up differently, you’re going to get a different result. That’s just the way that it works and that’s how that happens.
Stacey: 23:12 So instead of focusing on your partner in this one, it’s time to focus on yourself. If you are a core feminine energy and you feel like you relate to showing up in the masculine mask and the masculine tools, if you’ve been operating from your masculine, it’s time to transform that, to get back to your core for yourself. If you are a core masculine energy, it’s time to gain the skill set and the tools to learn how to connect to your mature masculine energy and have tools to relate to the feminine in a way that’s not threatening or intimidating, but in a way that totally sets are on fire and the best possible way. So what are some action steps that we can start doing now, babe?
Paul: 23:57 So today, let’s take a look at where we are, right? Uh, like anything you want to do. You want to start by figuring out where you are. So ask yourself if you’re a feminine core zero to 10, how much are you showing up? Not how much do you value it, but how much are you truly showing up in a day from your feminine core, zero to 10.
Stacey: 24:15 Zero not at all, totally closed, operating from the masculine, 10 able to operate on a daily basis from your open, feminine, Vulnerable Energy.
Paul: 24:26 Do you feel like you’re really embracing that and living that? And then same thing with the masculine, zero to 10. How much are you showing up authentically in your masculine core in moments of your day? Uh, on a typical day, zero to 10, zero being I’m not at all right. And 10 being totally, I’m embracing that fully rooted. I’m showing up this way every day. So figure out where you are and then start noticing how this impacts your day. This is like one of the first ways to start releasing some of that grip rite is notice how it’s impacting your day. How exhausting is it for you to show up each day suppressing your authentic self? How unsatisfying as it to show up suppressing your authentic self. How much happier? So imagine this for a second. Now, once you look at that too, imagine would be the next step.
Paul: 25:11 Imagine how much happier and more energized you are, how you’re going to feel, and how you’re going to show up when you learn to show up in your authentic or energy, how you really are in all the moments of your day easily. Just think about how freeing that would be. Think about how different that would be. So listen, at the end of the day, we all have to have more compassion for our partners like you. They have no idea how to reverse this flip flop. They don’t even necessarily know they’re in it, right? You’re here, you’re listening to this, and how do they don’t know how to get back to their core authentic energy. So have some compassion for those around you, especially for your partner. Obviously,
Stacey: 25:49 if this really speaks to you today, like Paul and I are so passionate about teaching our students exactly how to get back to their authentic core energy. If you’ve ever heard me tell this story like this is where I was stuck for about two years in my journey with Paul was knowing, being aware that I was operating from my masculine and having no clue exactly how to get back to my authentic feminine and it was extremely painful. That’s why Paul and I are so passionate. That’s why we built out our whole toolbox around this to teach you exactly how to get back to that. It’s like I said, step three in step six of our relationship transformation system and our quickstart program, day two and day three at our relationship breakthrough retreat. You will figure this out on your own, so please stop beating yourself up for not knowing how to do this. This is like one of the most difficult shifts to make because it’s so reinforced by society for so long, but with the proven process tools and strategies, you can totally do this just like thousands of relationship transformers already have.
Paul: 26:57 On the next episode, Stacey and I are going to take on one of the most common and pervasive relationship killers pleasing. This isn’t just about your love relationship. If you are pleasing in your relationships, you are likely pleasing in many, if not all of your relationships is actually causing way more damage than it’s causing any good. That’s what we’re going to talk about next week’s episode.
Stacey: 27:22 Awesome. If you love this podcast, take a screenshot on your phone, share it, help us spread the word rate and review the podcast so that we can reach more people and give them the relationship education that they really deserve and until next time, remember together we are changing the way relationship is done.
Speaker 2: 27:42 Hey, would you like to get big results in your relationships in just 10 seconds a day? If so, then subscribe to our daily inspiration for Relationship Transformers or The Dirt, at MartinoPodcast.com/Dirt.