What’s The Episode About:
In this episode, Paul and Stacey will talk about the well-meaning people in our lives who have the best intentions for us, and how they might be negatively affecting our lives. Advice is something that we all get every day, from every body, even when we’ve really not asked for it.
That’s because the people in our lives always have an opinion about everything, and Paul and Stacey will teach us how to see that dynamic and navigate it in a way that doesn’t negatively impact us individually, and doesn’t destroy the relationship with them either. Enjoy!
Key Points Discussed:
- How the masculine responds to a woman who goes into her masculine (02:15)
- Nobody has the right to tell you what you should do in your life (09:14)
- Being clear about who you’re listening to (10:31)
- Taking personal responsibility for triggering friends to give us advice (15:15)
- Growing by investing in your mindset, your skillset, and your network (16:11)
Where Can I Learn More:
- The 14-Day Boost Program
- Have you signed up for The D.I.R.T. ?! http://bit.ly/2KlobXZ
- Check out our programs: www.RelationshipDevelopment.org/Programs
- See our upcoming events: www.RelationshipDevelopment.org/Events
When Did It Air:
October 17, 2019
Disclaimer: The Transcript Is Auto-Generated And May Contain Spelling And Grammar Errors
Paul: 00:00 Hey relationship transformers. Welcome to the Relationship Transformer podcast. Today, Stacey and I are going to talk about the well-meaning people around you who have the best of intentions for you. And, you may not even realize how much they are effing up your life. Advice. Right? It comes at us from all sides. Everyone has an opinion about everything. Right? What we’re going to talk about today, is how you can see this dynamic, and how you can navigate it in a way that doesn’t negatively impact you, and doesn’t destroy the relationship with them either. And remember, if you know someone who needs to hear this podcast today, be sure to share it with them, but in the meantime, let’s queue up the intro and dive in.
Intro: 00:43 So the big question is this, how is it possible that one person alone can transform any relationship, save their marriage, great their unshakeable love and unleash passion, divorce, proof their family without needing their partner to get on board and do this with them and yet still get to be happily, authentically you without compromise. That is the question and this podcast will give you the answer
Stacey: 01:14 Alright. So, in one of the most recent podcasts, I shared a story about one of our students who came to the Q&A call talking about how her husband hurt her feelings. You remember this podcast? It was, I think just two podcasts ago. One of our students said, you know, her husband had said to her, “Oh, I’m gonna reach out to our daughter who’s better with computers. And, her feelings were hurt, and she’s like, telling him how he’s being insensitive, and if he could just change a little bit. What I didn’t share about that story, was that when she came to the call with me and Paul, she shared, and you know, I talked to my friend about this, and I knew as soon as she said that, I’m like, “Alright, here we go.” She’s like, “I talked to my girlfriend about this, who, you know, told me that she thinks that my husband is a bully, and that I should learn to be tougher with him and stand up to him. That I don’t have enough confidence, and that he’s steamrolling me, or he’s bullying me. And that that’s where I should focus.”
Stacey: 02:15 And the student said, “What to you think? Now, of course, my first words were… what I think is I don’t really give a crap what your friend says. How many marriages has your friend saved? But the truth is, I want you to just take this into perspective for just a minute. Like, put your relationship transformer lenses on. Her friend is telling her that her husband is a bully, and she should learn to have more confidence, and be tougher, and stand up to him. I’m going to ask you the question. What is her friend really telling her to do? Think about it. You know what the answer is? She’s telling her to man up. She’s telling her to go into her masculine. She’s telling her to protect herself, weapons up, and fight. Now, I know a little something about relationships. I know Paul knows a little something about relationships. So my question is, how does the masculine respond to a woman who goes into her masculine, puts up her weapons, and fights? Paul?
Paul: 03:14 Well, let’s start off by demonstrating the fact that her husband is a very masculine man. And, her friends’ advice is to tell her to become fake masculine, to confront real masculine. And, I can tell you that real masculine doesn’t take confrontation from other masculine very well. We don’t like it, but we’re very happy to be there. You know why? We’re already there. We’re comfortable there. Conflict is something that would definitely come out of this. Resolution wouldn’t be the outcome of this, but if you want to start a fight, if you want to create a challenging environment where your man is now going to bring some anger, or some hostility, or definitely meet you where you’re bringing the energy to him from, that’s what you’re going to find on the other side of that equation. Suiting up, manning up, and bringing in that kind of confrontation to her husband, would have definitely led to a confrontation with her husband hostility and he could stay there all day long because he’s already there. He’s a masculine man. So as suiting up with the fake masculine was certainly not the right answer there.
Stacey: 04:12 See the masculine doesn’t really respond well. Authentic masculine does not respond well to when us as feminine go into our masculine. Now if you don’t really have a depth of understanding the difference between the masculine and the feminine, we’ve done other podcasts on this and you can actually go into our 14-Day Boost Program and get the upgrade to the passion boost program in there. Cause we give some powerful training on the difference between the masculine and the feminine dynamic in there. But you know, that’s just a fact. When masculine comes up against masculine, it’s a massive trigger for the masculine. When us as feminine, we go into masculine protection. Now here’s the thing, I’m also gonna tell you that in doesn’t matter. Masculine, feminine, bunny snake, I don’t care what it is. If you show up to somebody’s weapons up, ready for a fight, excuse me.
Stacey: 05:06 How is that turning into a magical love relationship on any planet? Right? But that’s what we’ve all been conditioned to do, right? One of our students was just saying the other day like, you know what I’m realizing as I’m doing this feminine masculine work is that my whole life, the only things I’ve ever been rewarded for, we’re going into my masculine. Oh, you’re so strong. Oh, you’re so independent. Oh, you’re so accomplished. Oh, you’re so tough. She’s like, I’m never ever rewarded growing up for being in my feminine. Hey, good for you. Being open way to stay open and show vulnerability and be there for people and be nurturing and be compassionate. Like the feminine was not very rewarded. Right. For all of us, we’ve been conditioned this way. And so it’s only natural to, by the way, be in the world of people who are stuck in demand relationship.
Stacey: 05:54 And for someone to tell you, Hey, don’t you know, take that sitting down. He’s being a bully. He’s actually not being a bully or her friend has no understanding of the masculine. He’s a masculine man and he’s stating a fact and asking him to soften up and be more nurturing is asking him to be feminine, which by the way, the student is very lucky that her husband is not feminine, that he’s authentic masculine and he’s strong and doesn’t need to be any different than that. So what’s interesting here is when the student came to the Q and a call, she said, you know, this friend is the seventh power friend of mine. And so we teach seventh power comes from Tony Robbins world seven powers like your tribe, like the people that you grow with, the people that are on the personal development journey with you.
Stacey: 06:40 And so the student was saying, right, like on a peer level, this is the seventh power of friend that I can talk growth with. Like I can have these conversations with them, but they’re not a relationship. Seventh power friend there is the difference. Okay. I’m saying this to all of you cause some of us have people in our seven power, we have a tribe. Like we have an entrepreneur tribe. We have seven power friends and health, right? Or in fitness or in wealth. Having a relationship, seventh power is a whole different thing because I can go into all of my tribes, entrepreneur, health, wealth, all of them. And when it comes to relationships, they’re still stuck in demand relationship only in relationship development. Can you have a relationship, seventh power tribe who’s going to be there for you at the relationship development level, right?
Stacey: 07:31 As this student had just called up her accountability buddy in our program and said, Hey, this is what happened. This was the kerfuffle. It really hurt my feelings. I promise you that another student and relationship development would not have said, Oh my gosh, he’s being such a bully. Right? Cause it’s so ignorant, right? He’s being masculine. He doesn’t have sensitivities like that and lets just as blueprint, he loves you very much. And he said what he meant and he meant what he said as genuinely surprised that there was even an issue because, no, no, I know you heard her. Right? And so that’s the difference between having seventh power and having relationships. Seventh power. Her friend only understands demand relationship. Now here’s the thing I want to ask you, cause you know this already, if she followed her friend’s advice, would she be building up her marriage or breaking it down?
Stacey: 08:25 Because in the end, that’s the only thing that matters. When someone gives you advice, we’ll talk about advice in a minute. But when someone gives you advice, if you follow it, would you be building up your marriage or breaking it down? Because that’s the only thing that matters. Paul and I teach that there’s an upward spiral to your relationship and a downward spiral to your relationship. And of course they meet right in the middle, the point of nonresistance. And so all you need to ask yourself anytime you’re going to take action is, is this going to put me on the upward spiral of growth for my marriage? Or is this going to take me into a downward spiral of breaking down in my marriage? That’s the only thing that matters. That’s why Paul and I don’t give advice, by the way, and we’re gonna talk about it.
Stacey: 09:14 I think we’ve talked about advice and other bad guests. We don’t give advice at all. Can’t tell anybody what they should do. Nobody on this planet has the right to tell you what you should do in your life. It is your life. This is your only go round. Nobody else has your exact situation, your blueprint, your journey, your purpose. You’re the only one who could make that decision. All we do is show you the predictable patterns. These are the patterns that build up the relationship. These are the patterns that break it down. What you do with that, that’s entirely your decision and it’s a decision that everybody needs to make.
Paul: 09:52 You know, it’s really important to hear, to just point this out again too, cause it can get lost and feel like for this friend really misled this other friend, right? And that’s not the case and you know it and you’ve been that person too. I’m willing to bet, right? Best of intentions really loved her friend and from her good intentions and her good heart was trying to protect her friend, gave her incredibly bad advice that she would have accepted from a friend because she’s like, my friend loves me. She’s looking out for me. I’m in it right now. I can’t see this clearly, clearly. So let me just take this friend’s advice cause I know they care about me and then act upon it with some really detrimental outcome. So again, they’re just looking out for you. They just don’t know how to fix it themselves.
Paul: 10:31 So you have to be very clear about who you’re listening to. But I just wanted to show that, you know, we show up in relationship all the time with our partner, with our friends, with our kids, with the best of intentions. But if you’re not aware of the dynamics that are going on, and that’s what Stacey and I always do is peel back the layers on those dynamics. You can see them if you don’t see them, they impact your life in a negative way. And then we find ourselves wondering why things are so tough or why they went so wrong.
Stacey: 10:57 Remember, it’s not about intention, right? Just like Paul said, well-intentioned. They’re just looking out for you. In fact, your friends, your family, they just want to protect you actually, and they’ve run to the end of their skillset. They run to the end of their skill set. That’s all it is. First of all, you ran to the end of your skillset. That’s why you’re out there talking about your problem and asking a friend for advice. And then when someone runs to the end of their skill set, that’s when you hear their blueprint, their skillset. She’s like, Oh, he hurt your feelings. He’s a bully. You need to work on your confidence. You need to stand up to him. You need to challenge him. That’s her blueprint. That’s her skillset. How’s her relationship? You gotta be so careful who you listen to. It’s super important. If you’re listening to us today, the biggest takeaway I want you to get from this is to start learning how to, when someone has run to the end of their skillset and that first someone to look at is yourself. When you run to the end of your skillset, when someone else runs to the end of the skillset, be Oh so careful who you’re listening to at that moment.
Paul: 12:08 And another thing I’d say to this to that just help you with this is if you’re not quite clear, but you find yourself feeling like it’s a reaction, whether you’re having a reaction or someone’s telling you to do something as a reaction or defensive or defensiveness. I’m just telling me that red flag, you’re already are on the wrong path. Reactions rarely are the right ones, right? It’s kind of like they used to say, don’t send an email in an angry, and all these different things we do when we’re in a reactionary or a defensive mode, don’t typically come with the wisdom that’s needed to elevate the situation from where it was or where it is to something higher is just at best. Staying at that same lower level.
Stacey: 12:48 And if you’re thinking to yourself, okay, well then how do I know what’s bad advice? How do I know when my friend is? Maybe I should have listened to them, maybe I shouldn’t. How do I know? Look at their results when it comes to relationship, there’s only one question you need to ask. How many marriages have you saved? Like we’ve saved thousands like we’ve impacted thousands. We have a 1% divorce rate in our RelationshipYou Program like so how many have you saved or are you struggling in your own? So it’s interesting. Sometimes somebody who’s struggling in their own relationship and comes through our program will start to challenge me because it’s uncomfortable for them and they don’t want to do, you know, they don’t want to take the methodology or implement it. And I’ll say, you know, think to myself, that’s your choice. That’s totally your choice.
Stacey: 13:39 And someone starts telling me how we should do it differently, but that’s not, you shouldn’t do that in dah, dah, dah. I’m like, well, you know, I don’t know. Our methodology has saved a lot of marriages and you’re struggling to save your own. So when your friend comes to you with advice like that and she’s like, stand up to him, he’s being a bully, think to yourself, I don’t know how many marriages have you saved? I think you’re struggling to save your own. Do I really want to take that advice like the person who has $20 in their bank account, who’s giving you information on how you should invest your money? Do you really want to take that advice versus the person who’s already helped many, many, many, many, many people expand their wealth and they’ve are processed for it and it’s proven and they have huge results and people are thriving from it. That’s the person you want to be your mentor, so be so careful who you’re taking advice from.
Paul: 14:34 If you go back to, I believe it was the last podcast where we talked about going deep to, if anything, ask yourself, is that a person who’s gone deep in this area? And at minimum at least I hadn’t gotten results and gotten results, but at least they’re ahead of you. Right? And that’s really, there are so many ways to start looking at that, but be real. Oh, so careful about who you listen to. All right, so we need some steps. Let’s get some out there. So what can you start doing now? I like to emphasize now because as you heard in the previous podcast as well too, it’s what you implement that will make a change in your life. So what can you start doing now? One, stop. Stop asking someone for advice, whether they’re not the best expert in what you need them to help you with, right?
Paul: 15:15 Just stop. Take personal responsibility for your part in triggering them to give you advice, and bringing it up, or complaining, or asking them in the first place, cause you’re triggering them to give you this advice. Number two, notice. Notice how often you are using talking about your problems with others as a way to connect, or gain sympathy, or get them on your side so you hear some validation. Whatever else you have to be using for that, notice how often you may reach for that. And number three; up level. When it comes to a challenge that you’re having, up-level who you talk about that challenge with. Find the best of the best. Find the person who actually has solved this. If you don’t know that person, and most of us don’t just happen to be friends with that expert, then seek them out, join their program, join their group, get connected with them, so that you can get the wisdom of someone who’s gone deep, someone who is the expert, someone who actually has real value to offer you.
Stacey: 16:11 Two of our good friends, Brad and Ryan of CashflowTactics.com always say, invest in three things. Invest in your mindset, your skillset, and your network. Who you surround yourself with. Be super intentional about this. If you have an area of your life where you want solutions, you want the next level, you want growth, stop looking to your friends and family for this. Stop talking to your friends and family about this. Invest in your mindset. Invest in your skillset and invest in your network. That’s how you’ll grow. Hey, if you love the Relationship Transformer podcast, please share it with someone who needs to hear it. Take a screenshot of your phone and share it, and until next time, remember together we are changing the way relationship is done.
Outro: 16:59 Hey, would you like to get big results in your relationships in just 10 seconds a day? If so, then subscribe to our daily inspiration for relationship transformers or the D.I.R.T at www.MartinoPodcast.com/DIRT.