What’s The Episode About:
In this episode, Paul and Stacey will talk about how learning more actually moves people backward in their relationships. People get obsessed with knowledge, especially those who are growth-oriented, and they’re always looking for the next thing to learn. It’s often not addressed that learning too much can have an adverse impact.
At some point, you have to put the books down and start to take action with all that knowledge you’ve compiled. Tune in as Paul and Stacey show us how that not only blocks us from getting the results that we want in our relationships, but also moves us backward, and away from our goals.
Key Points Discussed:
- Learning how to forgive so we can move forward (01:01)
- The dynamic of the dabbler and how it affects us (03:21)
- Implementing what we learn is what creates transformation (06:23)
- People who don’t get results get addicted to information (08:42)
- There’s a difference between education and transformation (11:18)
Where Can I Learn More:
- Have you signed up for The D.I.R.T. ?! http://bit.ly/2KlobXZ
- Check out our programs: www.RelationshipDevelopment.org/Programs
- See our upcoming events: www.RelationshipDevelopment.org/Events
When Did It Air:
October 10, 2019
Disclaimer: The Transcript Is Auto-Generated And May Contain Spelling And Grammar Errors
Paul: 00:00 Hey relationship transformers, welcome to the Relationship Transformer podcast. Today, Stacey and I are going to talk about how learning more is actually moving you backward. I know. It’s crazy, right? Now, most people think that learning more is the answer, but today we’re going to show you how it’s not just blocking you from getting the results that you want, but it’s also moving you backward away from your goal. And remember, if you get value from the podcast today, make sure you share it with someone that can use it. Okay? So let’s cue up the intro and dive in.
Intro: 00:32 So the big question is this, how is it possible that one person alone can transform any relationship, save their marriage, great their unshakeable love and unleash passion, divorce, proof their family without needing their partner to get on board and do this with them and yet still get to be happily, authentically you without compromise. That is the question and this podcast will give you the answer.
Stacey: 01:01 All right, let’s start. So here’s the thing. People get obsessed with knowledge, especially those of us who are growth people, right? What’s the next thing? What’s the next thing? Ooh, that was so cool. What else? That was amazing. What else? Like, Oh, that book was incredible. What’s the next book? Like, they learn something and then immediately want to go to what’s next. We see this dynamic a lot. In fact, we even have our students going through the 14-Day Boost for your relationship program right now, and on day one we shared with them the first module, which is the program of how to forgive anything. It’s our five-step process for how to be able to forgive anything, to get past that thing that you just can’t get past. Whether it’s something between you, and another person, or something you can’t forgive yourself for, and we have lots of these things, right?
Stacey: 01:54 Sometimes these are the things that come between us, and our partner that makes it even hard to try to move forward because we can’t forgive what happened, or it’s hard to move forward because we feel like, “Well, I think this thing that happened might happen again. How am I supposed to move forward?” Like, so that’s why Paul and I created this unbelievable life-changing, five-step forgiveness process. By the way, it’s not anything you think it is. Whatever you think forgiveness is, I promise you our five-step forgiveness process is completely not like that, which is why it works for thousands and thousands of people and gets great results. But, an interesting dynamic happened. Right? We had 14-Day Boost for your relationship going on right now, and we had 500 people sign up, which was incredible, and a crazy story for another day, probably, because we were hoping to have 200 people sign up, and 500 people signed up. It got crazy. And then, they got the forgiveness modules, and they started, and some people like, consumed the whole thing.
Stacey: 02:52 They were like, “Oh my God, I consumed the whole thing. What’s next?” And, I was in the group saying, “Okay. Well, this is our focus right now.” Our focus is on forgiveness. Is on doing this. And they’re like, “Yeah, but I already did that module. What’s the next thing? What’s…? I want… Wait, isn’t there another thing?” And of course, there is another thing, but it’s a few days later, and there’s a reason for that, but people are so hung up. We’ve been so conditioned to value knowledge. Right? Knowledge is the answer. And what Paul and I want to share with you today is, no, no it’s not, because what we see, the dynamic that we see, is what we call the dynamic of the dabbler. The dabbler goes from thing to thing. Shiny object to shiny object. Learning this and learning that, and what’s this, and what’s the next thing, but they never actually live it.
Stacey: 03:43 They don’t go deep. They don’t change how they’re showing up and the key is and why we structured the 14-Day Boost the way we did is the 14-Day Boost is structured to get results. That’s what Paul and I do. We often say, we’re not an education company. We’re a transformation company. Education is wonderful. You can’t, can’t do any of this if you don’t learn it first, but just learning it is worth zero. Think about your relationship today. Your marriage, your kids learning things is not changing. Anything you need to implement it, you need to integrate it. You need to show up differently. You have to live it. Your relationship will never change through learning. Learning will never be enough. Never. You must act. You must take action. You have to change how you’re living. You have to show up differently if you want to see a different result.
Stacey: 04:44 If you learn and learn and learn and learn, but you’re still showing up exactly the same way. You’re not implementing any of our tools. Nothing changes. And so when I go into the students and they’re like, a few of them were like, I did that. I did that. It was so amazing. I loved it. I loved it. It was eye-opening. What’s next? I’m like, what’s next, darling? Do it. Go do it. It’s happening in your home. Are you living it? Oh no, no, I done. I want to learn the next thing. No sweetheart. This is why nothing’s changing. Go live it. Are you showing up differently? Did you interact differently with your partner today? Did you show up different with your kids today? Are you implementing it? Are you integrating it? This is what creates transformation.
Paul: 05:30 It’s been recently back to school time. And one of the things I ran across as going through that school start up period for the kids stuff was that they had this learning curve that they wanted to show people, which is I can teach you something and this is how much you’re going to remember 10 minutes from now, 30 minutes from now, an hour from now. And the amount that you’re going to remember percentage-wise of what you were just taught, drops off like a rock. You know when you even get past an hour, and it’s kind of like when I was a kid, I’d go to the park, close to our house and we do arts and crafts. And what would happen is these instructors who come out with all these different pieces and they didn’t just build a whole thing right there and then say, now do it right. They’d say, here’s step one. Let’s do it together right now. Let’s go do this. Great. You see how that works? Great. And then you would learn, you know, now you can have all the knowledge in the world on Google, but unless you’re doing something with that, Hey, you’re not going to remember it very long, and B, you’re not gonna change your life unless you do something with it. And it’s just how it works.
Stacey: 06:23 And that’s actually exactly how we structured the 14 Day Boost. They’re like, Hey, can I learn the next thing? I’m like, no. Day two was, go do it. Go live. It shifts show up. Did you take the tools? Did you go live differently? Because that’s what creates transformation. When you take what you’ve learned, you implement it into your life by putting it into action and integrated into who you are by going deeper with it, until it becomes second nature. That’s transformation. Write that down, right? Take what you’ve learned implemented into your life by putting it into action, integrated into who you are by going deeper with it, until it becomes second nature. That’s how you get results. And so those students of ours who are in the 14 day boost who are posting an every day, by the way, if you’re not in our relationship development community, you got to get in there, right?
Stacey: 07:20 Go to MyRelationshipDevelopmentCommunity.com we have a private Facebook community of thousands of relationship transformers and they’re posting every single day with their celebrations like, Oh my God, this works. Oh my God, this works and this is what happened. This is what usually happened and this is what happened now, and those students from the 14 day boost, by the way, they’re all in that community as well. Our posting with these huge results like, Oh my gosh, this is unbelievable. Today my daughter came to me and this is what happened, and in the past this is what would have happened and it was so different and this is so much better and I feel so great about it and I can’t wait to do more. It’s because they’re not just saying, Oh, that was a great video. That was so interesting. What’s the next video? This is not Netflix [inaudible].
Paul: 08:07 If you want it to change your life, it doesn’t come in the form of a video. You watch passively and say, that was really fun.
Stacey: 08:13 Yes, it’s about transformation. It’s about implementation. It’s about taking action, and I actually think that from my perspective, helping the people that I help and seeing so many people go through, I can see the people who get results and the people who don’t, and I’m going to tell you this right now because this might be like, Oh crap, that’s me. Just take a minute. The people who get results of the people who are taking action immediately, they’re implementing, they’re doing it. People who don’t get results get addicted to information. They’re hiding behind education. What’s the next book? What’s the next video? What can I learn next? What’s the next course? Well, I did this thing on nutritional eating. Maybe I’ll do this thing on Reiki. What’s the next thing on essential oils? Maybe I’ll go do acupuncture. What’s the next thing? What’s the next thing?
Stacey: 09:06 They’re going wide, but they’re only puddled deep. The people who get real results in their life take that one thing and they go real deep. They stay in it. Okay, how else can I implement that? How am I actioning that? Hey, how come I’m, there’s a hiccup here. I’m not getting the results. Oh, that’s why I need to do that differently. They start working with a coach, right? You think of your golf swing, you go work with a coach. They’re like, Hey, a little like two degrees this way. What’s happening is you’re hooking this way. Oh, I gotta straighten that foot to get that to you. Okay, great. I’m going deeper. I’m going deeper. I’m working with someone who’s showing me how my, how I heard that is not actually what they meant. I heard what I heard through my blueprint. I implemented what I thought she said, but the truth is I heard it wrong.
Stacey: 09:52 I heard it through my lens and they needed a shift so I can implement it better. How’s the time when you implement things and say, Oh, that didn’t work. Whether it’s your health, your money, your relationship, whatever. So many times when we implement stuff and we’re like, Oh that didn’t work for me. It didn’t work for you because your interpretation of what you were told you applied it not in the way that they meant it. And we all do this, we all hear something even with health, like, Oh I think I’m supposed to do this. And then like there so much more depth to what they meant by it. Right? But we apply it through our own lens. I see that happening all the time. People think, Oh gosh, okay I have to stop doing demand relationship. I’m not going to try to control people.
Stacey: 10:31 I’m just going to, okay so what I’m doing is I’m just letting everybody else have their way and I’m not trying to control them and I’m not demanding them, but I’m kinda getting more miserable every single day because everybody’s walking all over me. Cause I’m kind of just letting everybody have their way. Well you miss heard what I said. You didn’t go deep enough to understand what relationship development really is. You heard what demand relationship is and you wanted it to stop that. But really what happened is all you did was stopping the power player in the demand relationship and assume the nonpower player role and be the pleaser. That’s still a man relationship. You haven’t even left demand relationship yet. It’s not. The relationship development didn’t work. You didn’t even start doing the relationship development cause you didn’t go deep enough to know the tools to implement relationship development in real life.
Stacey: 11:18 So you made an assumption about what it is. You implemented it and say, Oh it doesn’t work. That’s just like one example. But we do this in all aspects of our lives when we dabble, when we don’t go deep, when we move on, what’s the next shiny object? Oh what else? What would be easier? And we keep bouncing around. Go deep with some things. Stay in it. Don’t stay puddle deep, go deep, deep and really implement it. Take action on it. That’s how you get big results of the difference between education and transformation. And you could have the greatest information in a world there. And just
Paul: 11:54 like Stacey said, you know the people who are in the top 1% of what they do aren’t there because they stayed on the surface. Amen. And the magic of what those people who are in that top 1% will tell you is missed by you initially because your perspective is so far away. You’re missing the greater meaning that they’re trying to convey, which is what happens with what you were describing there because you were only ready to hear so much. You haven’t even taken the first step to understand what that looks like, let alone understand the deeper meaning and the true dynamic or the true wisdom of what was trying to be conveyed to you. And that happens as part of going deep. It never happens on the surface because you’re just trying to grapple with the basic concepts, which is what you’re describing there too.
Paul: 12:31 And yet the true magic of whatever dynamic we’re teaching, you know, the master has for you is lost. I think of like a Kung Fu Panda for example, your master [inaudible] love master [inaudible] and he says says these simple statements, but they mean so much. And if you just heard this simple statement, it was sound confusing, like I don’t even understand what you’re saying. But once you have gone deep in this case in Kung Fu for master [inaudible], you know they would truly get how profound that confusing or simple statement was. They just weren’t ready for it yet and you’re not going to get to that depth. You’re not going to get to that top 1%. You’re not going to get the mastery in anything if you’re just dabbling on the surface. That way it’s just not possible. Awesome. So let’s do the action step. All right, so action steps for what you can start doing now.
Paul: 13:19 One stop after each new thing you learn. Stop right there and implement that thing somehow. Find a way to put it into action and live it before you go on to learn the next thing. Number two, consistency. Take consistent action. Focus for 1430 90 days on that new action consistently to get real results. You get the reward for your effort at that point. If you want to join the next 14 day boost, get our help with accountability. Go to 14DayBoost.com and number three go deep, not wide. Keep going deep on one method, one strategy, one solution before he goes squirrel off for the next shiny object. That’s how you get real and lasting results.
Stacey: 14:07 Awesome. If you love this podcast, please take a screenshot and share it because that’s how we will help the people who need to find the relationship transformer podcast. Until next time, remember together we are changing the way relationship is done.
Outro: 14:25 Hey, would you like to get big results in your relationships in just 10 seconds a day? If so, then subscribe to our daily inspiration for relationship transformers or the D.I.R.T at www.MartinoPodcast.com/DIRT.