38: Why Most Goal Setting Fails

38: Why Most Goal Setting Fails

What’s The Episode About:

In this episode, Stacey will dive into step two of their 10-step planning and strategy day framework, and talk about the thing that keeps us from seeing the biggest version of ourselves and the reason why most goal-setting/strategy setting doesn’t actually work.

The way most people do their goal setting does not work to create results and it eventually backfires which makes them feel bad, and ends up creating a very vicious cycle. There’s actually a strategic reason for that, and Stacey will unravel it so that we can be well aware of it before we do our goal setting. One thing that is core to every goal-setting process is visualization. 

That basically entails looking back at the year that has already passed and writing down everything that we are grateful to have achieved. But that process is not as easy as it sounds because people actually do it in a way that does not work, and Stacey will share some strategies around how to do it properly. She will reference a story by Steve Harvey about the flea in a jar where he talks about how a flea can jump as high as six feet, but if put in a covered mason jar can only jump as high as the point where it hits the jar’s lid.

That refers to how we all have limitations instilled in us by the people around us who expect us to live life the way they think we should live it, and achieve what they think we can achieve. Stacey will dive deeper into that and quickly teach us how to actually do our goal setting so that we can get great results.

Key Points Discussed: 

  • The one year later look back and what it’s all about (02:14)
  • Take the lid off your jar and go do what you need to do (04:11)
  • The four things that must be aligned and congruent in order to create and manifest what you want (06:24)
  • “I hope I can” is not having it (08:25)

Where Can I Learn More:

  • Get access to the 10-Step Framework now – here
  • Get access to the Relationship Breakthrough Retreat – here
  • Join the 14-Day Boost – here

When Did It Air:


Episode Transcript:

Disclaimer:  The Transcript Is Auto-Generated And May Contain Spelling And Grammar Errors


Stacey:             00:00 Hey relationship transformers. Welcome to the Relationship Transformers podcast. On today’s episode, we’re going to take a dive into step two of our 10-step planning and strategy day framework, and talk to you about two things. One, the thing that’s keeping you from seeing the biggest version of yourself, and two, more importantly, the reason why most goal-setting, most strategy setting doesn’t actually work. There’s actually a strategic reason why the way most people do their goal setting does not work to create results and then it backfires. They don’t get the results, then they feel bad about it, and it creates a vicious cycle. And there’s actually a strategic reason for that, and I’m going to teach you that on this podcast. So what I’m sharing here is, in our Relationship U program, we did a two and a half hour class, a workshop, for our whole strategy and planning day process, where we took our RU students through it, and they documented it, they journaled it, they actually did it while we were going through it as a workshop.


Stacey:             01:08 And in that, I did this quick teaching on how to actually do your goal setting, so that you get the results, instead of the way most people do it so that you don’t. And I’m going to share a clip from that class here in the podcast so that you can get those same results. Remember, if you want to get the full 10-step framework, we’re so happy to give it to you. Just go into the show notes, click the link to download all 10 steps, so that you can do all 10 steps on your own. So let’s cue up the intro and dive in.


Intro:              01:42 So the big question is this, how is it possible that one person alone can transform any relationship, save their marriage, great their unshakeable love and unleash passion, divorce, proof their family without needing their partner to get on board and do this with them and yet still get to be happily, authentically you without compromise. That is the question and this podcast will give you the answer. We are Paul and Stacey Martino and welcome to the Relationship Transformer podcast. We are Paul and Stacey Martino and welcome to the Relationship Transformer podcast.


Stacey:             02:14 Step two is, the one year later look back. So, you visualize that, for instance, today is December 27, 2019. So let’s say it’s December 27th, 2020, and you look back and say, “I’m so happy and grateful that in the last 12 months I achieved…. and then keep writing. Keep writing, and do not stop. And this is a visualization process. Now, before you do this exercise, I’m going to teach you about how to do it, because a lot of people do visualization in a way that does not work, and will actually never work. So I’m going to teach you some of our strategies around how to do visualization. Now, first of all, I’m going to start with a story, and I think I told you guys this story last year if you did this class with me. Steve Harvey tells a story about the flea in the jar.


Stacey:             03:14 Now, a flee can actually jump, like as high as six feet. Right? But if you have a flea and you put it in a Mason jar and cover it with the lid, it’s whole life it will think it can only jump a few inches because the lid is on the jar, and that flee can live as long as a flee’s going to live in the jar, thinking, “I can only jump this high. I can only jump this high. I can only jump this high.” But the minute you take the lid off the jar, and the flea jumps out, the flea realizes, “Oh my God. The whole time I could have jumped six feet, but I didn’t know because there’s always been this lid on my jar.” And Steve tells the story of his father coming to him. His mom was scolding him about something that happened in school is what I think, if I remember correctly, it’s been a long time since I’ve heard him tell the story. And, something that his teacher said about him. And that he’s no good at this or he’s no good at that.


Stacey:             04:11 And his mom was schooling him. His dad came in and he said, son, don’t let that teacher put a lid on your jar. Who is she? What has she done? Who has she become? Don’t let her lid be the lid on your jar. Take that lid off your jar. You could be anything. You could do anything. Just do you need to do what you need to do in school, but don’t you there? Let her life experience be the lid on your jar. And so I’m going to ask you before we go into this, first of all, please take the lid off your fucking jar. There are so many lids that have been placed on your jar as we have navigated this life of conformity through demand relationship through generation, after generation, after generation of so many power players that have had their desires for what your life needed to be in order to make them happy.


Stacey:             05:09 And there’ve just been lids placed on your jar all through time. And I’m going to ask you if you haven’t done this already, at least right now, just drop the lids off your jar. This life is your life. You came to this planet to live in. You can jump six feet, you can jump 6 million feet, you can do anything you want. You are a spiritual being, having an amazing human experience. And there’s no lid on anyone’s jars here other than lids that we accept that we’re placed. It is time to take all the lids off the fucking jar and have the human experience that you came here to have. Create what you came here to create. Do what you came here to do, be who you came here to be for you and all of humanity. So before we start into this goal-setting, which, well definitely not be goal setting, but this visualization, take the lid off your jar and never ever accept again someone else’s life experience.


Stacey:             06:24 Placing a lid on your jar. Who the fuck are they? What have they done? It doesn’t even matter. They can be the most achieved person in the world. So what they come here to do, what you can here to do. Take the lid off the jar. It’d be everything you want to be. So we set intentions, not goals. We set intentions. And when you do these four things must be aligned and congruent in order to create and manifest what you want. Your goals. So write this down. These four things must be aligned. Number one is my beliefs. Number two is my thoughts. Number three is my words, and number four is my actions. And they go in that order. Your beliefs are the lowest level of vibration that you bring to the world. By the way, your experience of the physical world, it was a match for your inner world, your vibration.


Stacey:             07:23 So you can’t have something in the physical world that’s a different vibration than who you are, right? So people sometimes will say like, but why don’t I have $1 million? And it’s because you’re not believing, thinking, speaking, and acting in a way that is completely congruent with that reality, or you would have it. And so when it comes to your internal vibration, beliefs are the lowest level of vibration. Thoughts are more powerful than that. Words are more powerful than that. Actions are the most powerful because if you think about it, that’s how creation happened, right? You can’t just believe something and not act on it and it gets created. That doesn’t work. So let’s think of, let’s use an example in your mind. So think of a goal or an outcome or something you want to achieve. And now ask yourself, are my beliefs that I can have it aligned with my thoughts or my thoughts aligned with I have it, I can have it.


Stacey:             08:25 I am having it. I’m only having it and are my thoughts aligned with my words, what I’m speaking? Am I always speaking that? Of course, I have it, I am it. Of course, I’m having it. It’s already done. My words are only that. And are my actions congruent with being the person that can achieve that? Am I always taking actions as if I have that? And I always taking the same congruent action for someone who already has the that I want. And very often the answer is no. At one or more of those junctures. Sometimes we can believe it, but then we say things that are the opposite of that. Like we say things like, Oh, I hope I can. I hope I can this not having it. Right. So we’re, we set a goal where we want to say, grow our organization or wrote our Wells. But then somebody says, you want to go to a Starbucks? And you’re like, Ooh, I probably shouldn’t on Starbucks today. Which is a total scarcity mindset as opposed to, I’ve got this much your Mark for this, this much earmarked for that. I’ve got this much of your Mark that, well, I’m donating over here, right? So ask yourself, are your beliefs, your thoughts, your words, your actions can grow up?


Outro:              09:51 Hey, would you like to get big results in your relationships in just 10 seconds a day? If so, then subscribe to our daily inspiration for relationship transformers or the D.I.R.T at www.MartinoPodcast.com/DIRT

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