44: Is He Just Being An ASS?

44: Is He Just Being An ASS?

What’s The Episode About:

In this episode, Paul and Stacey will talk about a very common complaint that they get from women about how their husbands are too blunt and mean in their conversations, and how that triggers or embarrasses them. Stacey will share the story of one of their relationship transformers who asked them what she should have done when she asked her husband if she could take a certification class for her work, but he responded in a rude way. The lady felt her husband was an ass and treated her like crap, which she didn’t deserve.

The root cause of such an issue is the fact that masculine and feminine perspectives are worlds apart. For the feminine, when a man speaks in very blunt and direct language, a woman feels like the man has made his decision and she either has to go by it or against it. But in reality, what happens in such a situation is all a misunderstanding of how the masculine is wired. If the woman in that situation gets a similar response from another woman, she wouldn’t find it mean or rude. The same applies when men talk to other men.

When a man asks another man for his opinion on a subject, he gets a very blunt and direct response because it’s in men’s nature not to sugarcoat things, and they understand each other in that regard. They are wired to be logical and assertive when tackling issues. So really, the best way to deal with such situations is to understand how other people are wired and interact with them in a way that brings out the best in them, instead of assuming everybody’s wired like us and interacting blindly, which then triggers the other person. Paul and Stacey will talk about that farther, and tell us where we can start in implementing that solution, so we can start experiencing kerfuffle free interactions with our loved ones.

Key Points Discussed: 

  • The common misunderstanding that takes place of how the masculine is wired, and how the masculine communicates (02:11)
  • The huge difference between masculine to masculine versus masculine to feminine (05:54)
  • The relationship dynamics that are happening to everyone (10:50)
  • Stopping when you’re in the win-lose is what makes it a win-lose, not what he says (13:00)
  • The importance of understanding the other side so that whatever you say back comes out in a way that it can be received well (14:31)
  • Being nothing but who we really are in order to be successful in our relationships (18:45)
  • It’s all about getting a relationship education instead of becoming a different person (20:03)
  • Stop applying your meanings to what your partner is saying, it’s your meanings that are causing you pain (24:15)

Where Can I Learn More:

  • Get access to the Relationship Breakthrough Retreat – here
  • Join the 14-Day Boost – here
  • Join our Relationship Development Community – here

When Did It Air:


Episode Transcript:

Paul  0:00  

Hey, relationship transformers. Welcome to the Relationship Transformers podcast. Today we’re going to talk about a really common complaint that we hear from women. That their husband is just so blunt, and he’s just being such an ass. And as a result, he’s either triggering them or embarrassing them. So today it’s time to set the record straight and explain another piece of how the masculine is wired. So let’s cue up the intro and dive in.

Intro  0:29  

So the big question is this, how is it possible that one person alone can transform any relationship, save their marriage, great their unshakable love and unleash passion, divorce, proof their family without needing their partner to get on board and do this with them and yet still get to be happily, authentically you without compromise. That is the question and this podcast will give you the answer. We are Paul and Stacey Martino and welcome to the Relationship Transformer podcast.

Stacey  1:04  

Alright. So I’ll start this by giving an example. We had a story from one of our relationship transformers that was asked of us, and she gave this example. She said, “My husband is very rude and demanding, and I just don’t think I deserve to be talked to this way anymore. This happens all the time, but one example was last week. I told him there was a certification class opening in a few weeks for a certification I want to take that will help me at work. I’m thinking about doing it, and I asked him, What do you think?” And he responded by saying, “You already complain every day that there’s too much to do around here. How do you think you’re going to manage another class on top of all this?” I was so taken aback. I didn’t want to scream. So I stood there, and that was that. He walked away. I don’t want to do demand relationship here, but personally, I feel like he’s an ass, and he treats me like crap, and I don’t deserve it. So babe, let’s jump in and talk about the masculine and the feminine perspective here, and how we’re showing up.

Paul  2:04  

Absolutely. So I think we should probably start with you. So you can talk about the background. What do you assume she was feeling?

Stacey  2:11  

Alright, awesome. So, very typically for the feminine… In fact, she said it in her story, right? She was so taken aback. He was so blunt and direct. And, she felt criticized that he or she’s saying, like, “I want to do this thing. What do you think?” And he like, poked holes in it. And from her perspective, he walked away and that was that. And basically, she’s saying like, “What do I do about this when he just shuts me down?” Now, what’s interesting is, and this is super common for the feminine. She assumes it’s over. Very often when masculine uses this very blunt, very direct language, in the feminine, we kind of feel like, “Okay, well. He has spoken.” That’s it unless I have two choices now, either I just don’t do anything, and I guess I’m not taking this class, or I’m just like, “Well, screw him. I’m doing it despite him, and he can’t tell me what to do.” Like we take one of two, typically we take one of two directions. Right? Either the non-power player of, “I guess that’s it. I’m not going”, or the power player like, “Screw you. I’m going to steamroll you, and I’m doing it anyway.” Both of those are a massive misunderstanding of how the masculine is wired, and how the masculine is communicating, and this happens all the time. And so, first of all, I just want to say that from the feminine, I know, it seems super reasonable because if another woman communicated with you that way, you know, you would be at an impasse. But you’re making a huge leap. A huge leap to an assumption where most women end up, which is like, “Oh, I guess that’s it. He has spoken. This is over. I’m not… I feel like I’m not going to get to go.” Like, that’s a big leap, because in the masculine world is not that way at all. Babe?

Paul  4:02  

Yeah. So, all that we know in the masculine world, again, in general across the board, you’ll find his direct communication directly saying what we mean, and being very direct in anything that we say that we’re not trying to protect the other guy’s feelings if we’re talking to him. We’re not sugarcoating anything. We’re not wrapping it in anything. We’re just telling them flat out what our logical thought is on a particular topic. And then we say it, because that’s always been the case, we’ve been very assertive, right? As if you could look back in time, men were generally assertive and took charge.

Stacey  4:36  

And you know what this actually goes back to the last podcast that we were just talking about, and is pretty much a continuation of that, like from the masculine perspective, his job is if one of his buddies said, Hey, this is what I’m thinking about doing. What do you think about that? The masculine approaches? Well, let me figure out if there’s like, Are there any holes in there like, Can I look out for you? Can I tell you, hey, this could fail here. Like How can I serve you? By bringing my critical thinking to the situation? Is that fair to say? That’s exactly

Paul  5:05  

right. So in other words, ironically, and again, we’re taking this out of context. But this explains the dynamic that we see all the time, which is, he’s actually looking out for you. So if another man says, Hey, I’m thinking about doing something, by the way, that’s an invitation for us to comment from the other side of like, Well, let me weigh this out. Let me look out for you and protect you by seeing if there’s anything you should be concerned about. So we can address that upfront, very direct approach to handling the simple request of like, Hey, I’m thinking about something. Because if the guy was certain, he wouldn’t be telling us about it. He would just be telling us what he did. But if he’s like, Hey, I’m thinking about doing something. It implies to us. He’s looking for us to help him. And the way we help him is to serve Him by looking out for him in advance and saying, Hey, I think there’s a hole in that plan and you might want to watch out for X, Y or Z but hope that helps you. Hope that serves you

Stacey  5:54  

so here from the masculine perspective masculine the masculine when a guy says to What other guy? What do you think he’s really looking for his critical perspective is critical thinking and, and that’s how men serve each other. Unfortunately, that really falls flat on its face when you interact with the feminine because we were not looking for you to poke holes and everything that we were sharing with you and tell us how our plan is going to fail before we even start

Paul  6:22  

guys, if you didn’t catch that, rewind this one.

Stacey  6:27  

Because that’s all feminine. We have a completely different meaning in the feminine very often, which is Hey, like, what the, you know, I’m sharing what I’m doing here. And very often the feminine feels like you’re crapping all over what I’m trying to do here before I even started, right You didn’t even talk it through with me you didn’t even listen to what I think about it. You didn’t even listen to my plan. And you’re already like poking holes in it like you’re crushing my dreams. And it’s so Miss approach. pretty heated, because we just don’t understand how each other is wired. And so what the feminine is often taking away from these interactions is he’s spoken, he’s done. He doesn’t agree with me. I can’t do this or I’m gonna have to do this and steamroll him. And what the masculine is taking away from this

Paul  7:21  

is, so notice one of the phrases there was I was so taken aback, I didn’t want to scream. So I stood there. And that was that and he walked away. So in this story, what happened was, she went quiet. He had said what he had to say, to protect her lookout for her, and just said what was on his mind directly. And then she stopped talking. So he figured, okay, so she heard what I had to say, and we’re done here. Now, even if he was perceptible enough to notice that, actually, she stopped talking and she’s upset. He might be like, well, then it most masculine energy will look at that and be like, well, if you don’t like the truth, I’m sorry. The truth hurts, but I’m serving you because that’s what we do for other men. We will serve them to a point of we don’t care if it hurts you, we’re actually we care so much about you, we will say something blunt and raw, just because we care so much to look out for you. So it’s like an entirely different meaning. So anyway, if she starts talking, even if she was upset, one of two negative outcomes are coming from that, which is why I guess she heard what I had to say. And this has been figured out and she agrees with me or I don’t have a purpose here anymore. So no sense standing here. I’ll walk away, not realizing he’s basically abandoning her and making it feel like he’s just decided for her by walking away. And then the other thing about it is to is, if she was upset, and he’s like, Look, I can’t have these conversations with her. She asked my help, which is what he believed was happening here. And then I gave her the help and she doesn’t like it. So why should I bother all these negative meanings and takeaways that stack over time? Hope because there was a simple request from natural feminine ask energy that was misinterpreted and then addressed from typical masculine energy back Yet neither one had bad intentions for the either at the beginning, they had the best of intentions. It was supposed to be just what we would say as a conversation. And it turned out to be a kerfuffle, quiet kerfuffle or not, it was still a kerfuffle.

Stacey  9:13  

I hope some of this is resonating with you or you’re seeing past kerfuffles in this example of times where you felt like you were shut down, or it didn’t go well, and you have no one idea why we’re teaching this in our Relationship U live event last month. And I remember when Paul and I started teaching this piece of the masculine and feminine blueprint. And I remember some of the guys in the room were like, no way. That’s not true. That is not what she’s thinking. And Paul’s like, you know, when she said to you, what do you think she wasn’t looking for your critical evaluation of her plan? I remember guys were like, what?

Well, but that’s what she said. And he’s like, No, No, No, she didn’t. Say that she said what do you think which means something different in the feminine and the guys were like, there’s no way like this is not true. And it took the women in the room say no yes when I don’t want you to tear apart my shit. Yes, this is absolutely true like I don’t want you to tear apart my plan. The truth is that when the feminine asks What do you think they’re really inviting you into the conversation? Hey, like let me talk this out with you. I want to share this with you like I’m inviting you into my process with me. Not, hey, everything is laid out. Can you tear this up, or for your critical thinking on it? It’s really hard for us to even appreciate because it’s so polar opposite. It’s hard to appreciate and believe the difference in perspective, but it is absolutely still valid. I

Paul  10:50  

just want to also add here to notice that whether you were listening to the podcast prior to this, or any of our other podcast, probably you will find the same thing I just want to reiterate at this point because we haven’t in a while. Notice it wasn’t about who they were as people who they chose men. It wasn’t about, you know, picking the wrong person. These are dynamics that are happening to everyone. The fact that they’ve been invisible to everyone is why everyone is suffering, amen. It doesn’t have to be that way anymore. And we all need to realize, look, just back up from what you believe to be so true. And start to realize if you haven’t already, please go back and listen to the other podcasts and give yourself a break. And most importantly, start giving your partner a break. Amen. Because you know what, it was never about you. And it was never about them. And we all need to start embracing that not only with our partners but with our children, our co-workers across the world, like it really isn’t about you or them. It’s about the invisible dynamics that no one is seeing and because they’re invisible, they continue to push everybody around in a negative way.

Stacey  11:54  

So true. I say this all the time. Like this is not the Barbara and Mike show. This is not your Specific marriage, this is a masculine, feminine dynamic, or this is a relationship dynamic, you can swap this person out for another person. And you’re going to keep running into some of these challenges in different forms with different faces. Because these are just relationship dynamics of learning to understand how other people are wired, and interact with them in a way that brings out the best in them, instead of assuming everybody’s wired like you and interacting blindly and triggering the crap out of people, which is pretty much what we’ve been doing. So let’s talk about some ways that we can shift this because either one of you can shift to this. And of course, we have loads and loads and loads of tools and strategies around this. But just as a starting point, understanding that for the feminine, I will say that, yes, he’s blunt, yes, he is direct, and No, he’s not just being an ass. If he’s not going to communicate with you, the way that a woman would. It’s not rude. I know. It’s wildly uncomfortable for so many women, the way men are so assertive and so confident, is been labeled rude because that’s how we were taught. But it’s really not. It’s wonderful confidence. The key thing I want to share with you, which is what I shared with this student who had an example is he wasn’t done. I know from your perspective, it seems like Oh, he’s spoken. That’s it? No, that is a false meaning and it’s a meaning we jumped to a lot. First of all, just take that in, you may need to listen to this podcast and other time when you’re triggered about something so you can work through that trigger. Your assumption that he’s done, he is spoken, either I don’t do it or I have to bulldoze him. He wasn’t done. He may have used assertive, confident communication, that doesn’t mean he was done. You can keep going to get to the win win. If you stop when you’re in the win, lose. That’s what makes it a win lose, not what he said. The fact that you stopped up Keep going. We were just talking about this today on a q&a call that being able to bring even vulnerable conversation to that moment to be able to say, Hey, I, I feel like you maybe made a decision around this. But this is really important to me Can we keep talking about and strategizing a way that we could maybe work this out, invites him to know this is important to her. She’s not just looking for me to share what I think and walk away. She wants to keep going. Yeah, of course, I keep going like he wants to serve you.

Paul  14:31  

And this is one example of so many times where it’s important to understand the other side so that you can wrap what it is that you’re going to say back in a way that it can be received. Well, and that was a good example of like, sort of rephrasing that as a rapper that we can now digest on the other side. And guys, it’s the same thing on our side is we need to understand how to wrap things. When we have these understandings how to wrap what we say back so that it’s received, the way we meant it to be received. Without these misunderstandings, I comes from a relationship education, like, there’s so many layers to this. But what I will say in this one particular incident is for this one, you’ve heard what the other perspective was. And the biggest thing that created the obstacle here was the belief that you had spoken, and you weren’t open to any other conversation around this. And I’d be willing to bet that most guys listen to this, that would not be your intention. So if it’s not your intention, be sensitive to this fact and know this is happening. And now wrap it in something like would you consider X, Y, or Z or do you think that you you know, it was still work even though I know you’re very busy and honor the fact that like we were saying, you don’t have time for this, instead of saying, you already told me don’t have time for this? And he said something like, I know you’re really busy because you’re doing x y&z for us I appreciate that. A little appreciation, whatever. Do you think you’d still be able to work that into your schedule and put it into a rapper words a question and not something that can be accidentally perceived to be Deciding for someone else. So that’s just one quick example of how that can make all the difference in the world have a conversation that went badly, help break down your relationship in that moment, instead of a conversation that can go really well. And then your partner can feel more connected to you happier and heard. And guess what? Everybody gets to the wind went around this with clarity on both sides of what is real here. And then that becomes a building block for the next successful conversation, because you know how to handle that one. And it’s really what it comes down to.

Stacey  16:32  

Awesome. One of my favorite pre frames that Paul uses when he’s using amazing tools to communicate with me in a way that helps me receive it better. Is he using pre frame like, Hey, this is just my thoughts. I’m just throwing it out there. And then he shares what he has to say. So I already understand he’s just making suggestions. It’s not I have spoken. And another one is when he uses the refrain that I’m not committed to This, I’m just throwing it out there. Once he says that, and my resistance has dropped significantly. And not only is it not causing a kerfuffle, but I will just say, guys, I am ready to receive whatever he has to say next, completely differently than when I feel like I’m on the defense of somebody who’s rude and asserting himself, and maybe taking away my opportunity to do what I want to do next, or I’m gonna have to fight him for it. So already, my resistance is dropped massively, and I’m ready to hear it differently. And by the same token, ladies, I know for a fact that in the past when I was in my masculine, and Paul would say something, and I would perceive it as being rude and I would fight back and be like, Oh, well, screw you watch me do it. Anyway, that would create one outcome. Versus now when I’m in my feminine and I say something to Paul, like, you know, I kind of feel like you’ve made a decision around that. And this is actually really important. me so can we please keep talking about this until we get to the win win, because actually really want to do this matters. And I bring that vulnerability to him and let him know that I don’t want to give up here. And I feel like I’m going to give up because it sounds like he’s made up his mind. And I vulnerably bring that to him. He feels differently about that too.

Paul  18:20  

Totally. It’s a whole different conversation. And when the energy is authentic, for who you are, on either side of this, amen, it speaks volumes. And when we can connect with that energy when we’re having these conversations, and that’s probably a conversation for another day. Yeah, right. You know, that moves mountains already automatically, because you’re showing up authentically from who you are and not trying to protect or compensate or anything else.

Stacey  18:45  

Oh, that’s such a good point. And just to anchor that in, yeah, that could be a whole nother show for another day. But just to anchor that in. We’re never going to tell you to be something other than who you really are in order to be successful in relationship. If you’re masculine, we’re never going to tell you to be more feminine in order to please her, and if you’re feminine, we’re never going to tell you to be more masculine in order to have fewer kerfuffles. We’re going to invite you to up level your skill set, and learning how to deliver your how you relate to the other person, be the best of who you are, and that’s who you are. And you’re required to relate to the other right, we’re required to relate to others in the world if we want to have a full life, a life of meaning, the juice, which is where the juice comes from relationships, not just from self from relationships, we must learn how to relate to the other. And in order to do that, we need to uplevel our skill set to relate to them in a way that allows them to be their best and most authentic self and rises like raises our relationship built up our relationship through how we relate as As opposed to breaking it down, that’s what we’re doing here.

Paul  20:03  

And along those same lines, I just want to point out one more thing as well, too, especially for the men, and I can’t get this message out enough to the guys. So guys, listen up, because I don’t know that anybody else out there is going to tell you this. But I get it. I recognize that we go through most of our lives starting off thinking that relationship is not a topic for us. Right? The typical masculine man out there is not thinking about relationship. It’s not even something that he necessarily feels like, is even in the realm of masculinity. And yet, we’re in them. And I invite you now if you haven’t already, again, I’m going to say go back, listen to the other podcast. You’re not finding me ever saying, hey, I want you to become sweeter or anything else, right? Anything else ridiculous, more sensitive. In order to make things different. I will ask you to be aware of what reality is that you’re dealing with and why wouldn’t we want to have that operational awareness right? How can you be successful in anything if you don’t know how it’s being how the game is played or what the goal is, you’re not going to hit it. And that’s where we fallen down is, relationships are things that we have, it’s not something that we focus on, right? I get it, like from the age of two, we weren’t thinking about, you know, when we’re going to get married, for example, you know, you won’t find most men having those kinds of thoughts. And in their younger years, we’re independent. In typically we’re very much the opposite. We’re all wired for the freedom instead. So I get it, that we came from a different perspective. But the truth is, you’re in relationships all the time, whether it’s your co workers, your children, your spouse, whatever. relationship is a human topic. It’s not a feminine topic. And we’re, as Stacey said, we’re never going to make you become inauthentic to get there. In fact, I guarantee you, that’s a recipe for failure, eventually, a more at least unhappiness at a bare minimum, amen. Not a way to go through life and you won’t find this recommending it. So what I’m saying to you is, get yourself a relationship education because that’s what it is. is not becoming different than who you are. It’s actually evolving in a way that we hadn’t needed to write it over all these generations. But we can’t go through life suffering this way. And get this not just you suffering because I know you’ll do it, I know you’ll suffer. And you’ll just be like, well, that’s what it is. And I’m gonna have to just take it and suck it up. What I’m saying is, don’t suffer. And by the way, bring down your partner’s life. Bring down your children’s life, the cost and destruction to our communities, to our livelihoods, who are our world around us, from relationships falling apart is staggering. And it needs to stop and it can, it was truly because we’re just not looking at it for what it is that needs to be addressed. And it’s certainly not impossible to fix. It’s a lack of awareness that’s allowing things to fall apart. And guys, I’m going to ask you to step up and if you had that false belief that this is not a topic for you. I get it. And I’m also quite aware that in any other package besides Stacy and I, you’re probably Finding a lot of things that are either man bashing or making masculinity wrong or anything else like that. I’m here to tell you that you won’t find that here. Because to me, that’s all part of the same shortcomings of where the rest of the world is stuck in demand relationship. Yeah, trying to make the other side wrong, trying to get them to come over to their side, we don’t do that. So I encourage you as men, to actually get the awareness that you need, so that you can actually score the way you always intended to, to make that difference for your spouse, for your children, to have a not only a happier, more peaceful life, which I know we’re also looking for, but to finally fix this dynamic. And you could be the one to step up. And I have to call out the men in particular, because in general, I know most guys still have that false belief that this is not a topic for them. We can put that history and all of our beliefs of what used to be the rapper that that education came in, aside, because it’s no longer the case. So anyway, I just wanted to make that call to the men because either one of us can change this. And I’m saying to you, hey, it’s time for us to evolve because that’s all it was. It was an evolution that we didn’t need to have before. What you do in this world, you need to understand what’s going on if you want to be successful today.

Stacey  24:05  

Oh my god, I couldn’t love you more. And then tomorrow will come and I will. Babe, can you give us some action steps as to what everybody can start doing now?

Paul  24:15  

Yes. Okay, so first of all, actually steps number one, stop, not your car. If you’re driving, just keep going, you know, whatever the case is there, just watch the road. But anyway, stop applying your meanings to what your partner is saying. It’s your meetings that are causing you pain. Number two, learn. Learn the differences between the masculine and feminine and how people are wired so that you can learn how your partner is wired. And also appreciate how you are also wired that you may not have any visibility into because there’s nothing wrong with you and there’s nothing wrong with your partner as we already saw. Number three, act with the stuff that you’re learning from us start showing up differently when you’re with your partner. So that you can create the shift that you both was

Stacey  25:01  

awesome. We take a deep dive into this at Relationship Breakthrough Retreat. I know I mentioned it before if you don’t have your tickets yet rvr is coming up July 9 10th and 11th in Boise, Idaho. We have a big launch going on right now at RelationshipBreakthroughRetreat.com, where you can get your event tickets at half off and get a huge stack of bonus programs like this is an event not to be missed. People fly in from all over the world for these three days. Because this is not just an education event. This is a transformation experience. You will catapult forward in your relationship in just these three days. It is not a couple’s event. Only you need to attend. Yes, if your partner wants to attend. Actually they can get a free ticket when you buy yours but do not hinge your attendance on them. That’s demand relationship. It only takes one person to transform a relationship. This event is just not something you want to miss I, I see this happen all the time people are like, oh, wow, that sounds great. But I have something going on or I can never make the time for that or blah, blah, blah. And then they end up in the pile of regret what I call it, which is when in August, September, October, November, we get messages and comments from people that just feel the pile of regret. Oh my gosh, I can’t believe I should have gone to rbR instead, we had a family reunion and now I found his phone and he’s talking to some other woman and I wish I had gone to rbR like our whatever else it is right? so many different things I I wanted to go to rbR but I didn’t know how to talk to my wife about it. And now she’s filed for divorce and I should have gone I all of this piles of regret of all the things that we didn’t put our excuses away and get to that event. And then we end up regretting it later. And we only do this event once a year. out of the five of live events that we do all year long. This is the only one that you can actually buy tickets to the others are Advanced Level live events. So this is the one not to be missed. You don’t want to wait another year or so to get the catapult that you and your family deserve. So go to relationship, breakthrough retreat calm. Check out all the details and make sure that you book your tickets. We definitely want to see you there before we sell out make sure to secure your tickets. And if you love this podcast, please share it. Share it with the people in the world that deserve to know that these answers are here. Take a screenshot or share it in social media you can tag us hashtag Relationship Transformers podcast, and until next time, remember together we are changing the way relationship is done. 

Outro  27:45  

Are you ready to catapult your relationship to the next level? Would you love to do that in just three days? Well, Relationship Breakthrough Retreat tickets are open. This is our live three-day event. We only do this event once a year. It’s a three-day live immersion experience with me and Paul, where you get to have your relationship breakthrough within those three days. This is not a couple’s event. Your partner does not need to come to this event. There is no couples work going on. It’s a fun, high energy, life changing, impactful immersion experience, where your relationships will catapult forward within those three days. It is not to be missed. Check out RelationshipBreakthroughRetreat.com for information and tickets.

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