What’s The Episode About:
In this episode, Paul and Stacey bust a lot of the marriage and relationship myths that keep people so enslaved in their own lives. They are also going to debunk some beliefs about what relationship development really is, and hopefully all that will set you free, and totally revive your marriage or relationship.
Key Points Discussed:
- You don’t have to be nice, suck it up and make everyone else happy (01:19)
- The power player and the non-power player (01:34)
- Confusion is a quality question that your brain is facing (03:09)
- The relationship development approach (04:42)
- Being happy and your best self within a thriving relationship (08:09)
- Measuring and scorekeeping in your relationship (12:07)
- Inspiring change in the people around us (17:04)
- Breaking the chains of demand relationship in your family (22:25)
Where Can I Learn More:
When Did It Air:
May 30, 2019
Disclaimer: The Transcript Is Auto Generated And May Contain Some Spelling And Grammar Errors
Paul: 00:00 Hey relationship transformers. Welcome to The Relationship Transformer Podcast. Today, Stacey and I are going to bust some myths. We’re going to expose the lies and false beliefs that hold people back in their relationships. And we’re going to bust some myths about what relationship development really is too. I promise that you will hear yourself and at least one of these common myths today and it’s time for you to be set free. So let’s queue up the intro and dive in.
Paul: 00:31 So the big question is this;
Stacey: 00:34 How is it possible that one person alone can transform any relationship, save their marriage, create their unshakeable love, and unleash passion, divorce-proof their family, without needing their partner to get on board and do this with them, and yet still get to be happily, authentically you without compromise.
Paul: 00:54 That is the question and this podcast will give you the answer.
Stacey: 01:00 Hey. Paul and I have been really blessed to serve thousands of people, and one of the many beauties in serving so many people is that we get to hear the common false beliefs that people have, that are holding them back. And then we can come here and share them with you so that you can be free from the same struggle. So let’s dive in.
Paul: 01:19 Alright. So, myth number one that we want to talk about today is if I stopped doing demand relationship and do this relationship development instead, then I just have to be nice, suck it up, stay quiet and make everyone else happy.
Stacey: 01:34 Haha… No. No. And it’s a really, really common one that people get stuck in. That’s demand relationship too. See, in demand relationship, there’s a power player and a non-power player. The power player is the one who has the leverage in the relationship. They’re the one using things like demands, threats, and more of an assertive approach of demand relationship. But the non-power player in relationship development, is the one who maybe believes they don’t have the leverage, and is using things like compromise, and pleasing, and other ways to try to get their way in a relationship as well. Both are playing demand relationship, both the power player and the non-power player. So, listen, with totally understandable demand relationship wiring is really deep in the blueprint. Like, we’ve been conditioned this way for a really long time, so it’s very common for people to hear us talk about demand relationship and relationship development, and think, “Oh crap. If I have to stop doing demand relationship, then I’m the one that just has to be nice, and suck it up, and stay quiet.” No, we’re not saying that. Right? We’re never going to say that. That is demand relationship too. It’s just switching from the power player to the non-power player in relationship development. Paul and I will never tell you to do that because both the power play and the non-power player roles, they both destroy relationships. What we’re teaching you and asking you to try out is to step out of demand relationship completely, and into relationship development.
Paul: 03:09 Awesome. So, by now you’re probably thinking, “I’m having a hard time figuring out what relationship development is?” And that’s great, you know, because when we get confused, that’s a quality question that your brain is facing. Confusion is good because what that means is your brain is like, “I don’t understand. I can’t process this. Like, what I used to think doesn’t work. The old way doesn’t work. I don’t know what to do yet, so I’m confused.” That’s fantastic because that’s the point at which your brain will start to form new connections, and when you get that breakthrough, you really start to see things that you’ve never seen before. That’s the whole goal. Right? So, that’s a great step forward, and at least you’re seeing that the old way doesn’t work. That’s great.
Stacey: 03:47 And the new way is a skill set that you need to learn. You won’t figure this out on your own yet. You need real solutions. Right? I’ll give you an example. A woman in our quick start class posted this the other day in our group that she couldn’t be with her partner unless he put her first. Now clearly that’s demand relationship, right? You put me first and then I’ll commit to you, which is not relationship development. That’s demand relationship. And she responded to me and said, “No, Stacey. Trust me, I’ve done it the other way. I’ve been in relationships before where I just give, and give, and I put them first, and I just give and give and give, and I’ve been walked all over.” And she goes, “So that doesn’t work.” And I said, “What you’re describing to me is also demand relationship. All you’re describing is a time when you were the non-power player in relationship, and it didn’t work, and it’s time now where you’re trying to be the power player in a relationship and it’s not working.”
Stacey: 04:42 Both are both sides of demand relationship, and neither one works. And she’s like, then I don’t know what to do. And I’m like, that’s exactly what we were just describing. Right? Your brain is like does not compute. I’ve tried everything, right? I was the non power player, I was a power play or neither work. Relationship Development is where, and this is what I asked you, she’s asked a great question. Okay, what’s the relationship development approach? And I said, well the relationship development approaches to go all in for your relationship because that’s the only chance it has. It doesn’t mean that you’ll be all in forever no matter what happens ever it. But it does mean that at this point, while you’re working on transforming your relationship, even for 90 days, even for four months, just make a commitment to go all in and not need your partner to do x, y, or z before you commit so that you can actually commit.
Stacey: 05:35 You can throw the switch and go all in. But demand relationship is looking and just saying, okay, I have a trigger that if my partner doesn’t put me first, it means this. And I said to her, what is it that you’re fearful of that if your partner doesn’t demonstrate that he’s putting you first, it means what? And I said, whatever it is that’s trigger, that’s your trigger to solve. Your partner’s not there to solve it for you by demonstrating that he’s putting you first, whatever that means. And I use air quotes because it’s different for every human. Your partners there to show you your trigger and it’s for you to solve. And I said, because the truth is if you were to win, if this demand relationship tactic work and you were to tell your partner, I can’t stay with you unless you’re putting me first, and he’s like, okay, fine.
Stacey: 06:22 Like I put you first and what does that mean? You must have something in your brain. Well, that means that when your mom calls and says this, but you already committed to me, you stick and you tell her I can’t because I already committed to my wife find so he can do that. You might be able to manipulate the situation in the short term and use your leverage to get him to do what it is that you need done in order to prove that your first, but you haven’t shifted anything within him. You haven’t shifted how he sees the world. You haven’t shifted what’s in his heart. All you’re doing is trying to temporarily control his tactics and his maneuvers so that you feel at peace that you really are worth it. That he really does value you, that you really are someone that he cares about instead of trying to look outside of yourself for those things, the relationship development approach is to look inside.
Stacey: 07:17 What is the trigger that’s telling you that you’re not worth it? Why do you believe that you’re not worth loving? Why do you believe that you’re not important? Solve those things. Solve those things without needing anyone else or anything else to change because you can’t control anyone else in the world and show up as a whole person to your relationship ready to commit and to give in order to give it a chance to grow. That’s the difference. That’s relationship development, so just know if you find yourself being the power player or the non power player, you’re stuck in demand relationship. It just means that you bring, you need to bring that question to us and asked just like this student did. Okay, I’ve done both. What’s the relationship development way to navigate this? That’s that’s like the best place to be. That’s what we do all day.
Stacey: 08:09 Every day is people bring us their real-life situations and we teach them how to navigate it from relationship development so that they can be their happiest and best self and their relationships can thrive too.
Paul: 08:21 Alright, so myth number two, if my partner doesn’t do this work with me, then I’m the only one who will be giving and I’m settling for a life of them doing nothing and never changing.
Stacey: 08:33 They’re actually a lot of versions of this one. We here so they don’t have to change and I have to change everything. Or if they don’t give a shit way or if they don’t do anything and I do, then I’m the loser or I’m weak or I’m needy or whatever that word is, or Oh, I’ll do this, but only if they do it. Also, there are a lot of different versions of this one.
Paul: 08:55 Yeah, and you’re holding yourself stuck in every one of those. So here’s the truth. When you implement relationship development, your partner will change. They’re going to change and responds to you. And all that means is you have to go first. You have to get the tools and strategies so that you can start. Someone has to start, you need to do the program, you need to come to the event, you need to learn how to implement this, then they will change a response to you. So how does that work? Why does that work? Here’s the situation. When you’re in a relationship, it’s a closed loop. So you’ve been showing up in a certain way and your partner has been showing up in a certain way in both of you know what to expect from each other. And as closed loop doesn’t change and we’re stuck in this endless cycle, but because it’s a closed loop, you put something in, something different will come out. If you put in something different than you used to put in, when you show up differently, again, they’re going to change a response to you. How you show up will be different. So you put something else different into this loop. The outcome will be different and it might not happen right away. In some cases it’s a case where somebody is like, that’s different, but they’re still stuck into the old pattern. But I promise you, you show up differently for a prolonged period of time, you will get a different result from this close loop.
Stacey: 10:06 See, we’ve been doing this for a long time. We’ve helped thousands of people all around the world relationship transformers get to see all their relationships flourish when they start showing up from relationship development instead of demand relationship and they don’t need everyone in their lives to come to our event or do our program. We don’t need your boss to come to our event for you to learn the tools to turn that situation around at work. We don’t need your mom to do our program for you to completely transform the relationship that she has with you and your family. We don’t need your kids to take our classes for you to create the kind of relationship that you have always wanted with them and we don’t need your spouse to do our program or come to our event in order for you to turn your marriage around or take it to the next level.
Stacey: 10:57 We do this all day, every day. We don’t need anyone else to come to the event or do the program. We don’t, but you do. You are the one who wants them to do it. The truth is, for some of you, you want them to do it out of fear. You want them to show you that you matter. You want them to prove to you that your relationship is important. You want them to do something that in your book means that they care about you or love you and I totally get that. I see it every day. Just like in the example from the woman that I just shared every day I see people who instead of being able to just directly ask their partner, do I matter? Do you care about me? Is Our relationship important? We’ve all been conditioned to look for behaviors that our partners do and label them, decide what those behaviors mean and choose that, oh, if he does this, then he loves me. If she does this, then I’m the most important thing to her. I see it all the time and it’s just the meaning that you’re attaching to it.
Paul: 12:07 And for some of the others out there who are listening, here’s the other one is you want your partner to do this work because you just can’t be the loser and this is the wind lose. That’s so deep in our blueprint because that’s all we’ve been exposed to. Basically you’ve been measuring and scorekeeping and your relationship for so long that you know you just can’t do something like this and they do nothing. And I say that in air quotes because that would make you, again in air quotes the loser and you just can’t or won’t have. That is your position.
Stacey: 12:38 We teach a tool called measuring and scorekeeping ’em in our program and honestly and in the, in a nutshell, it’s when we measure and score, keep what we’re getting in our relationship versus what we’re giving, and I can’t teach the whole thing here because it takes about 90 minutes, but it’s like a priceless tool that everybody should learn. But the truth is when we show up in our relationships, measuring what we’re getting in exchange for what we’re giving it, first of all, it’s demand relationship and so you are breaking down that relationship in every moment of the day, but it’s hardwired in. Trust me, before I started doing this work, I was like a gold medal score keeping champion. I was constantly measuring everything I was getting in the relationship from Paul and a well my relationships, to be honest with you, not just Paul versus what I was giving, but what we call it’s faulty relationship math because the truth is you’re the only one with your blueprint.
Stacey: 13:32 You’re the only one with your perspective. You’re the only one with your beliefs in your rules and your emotions and your history and your experiences and the way you see the world and what you measure as to what you’re giving and getting in return is never going to be the same as what your partner would see in the same situation. What I measure when I give to Paula, when before I understood the difference between masculine and feminine, and I would give to Paul from my Lens, I thought I was giving what he would want, but truly I was giving what I would want and see when we measure in scorekeeping our relationships, we’re constantly feeling like we come up short because we give based on our blueprint and we measure what we’re getting based on our blueprint. But the other person involved has a totally different perspective on things and you’re always going to feel like you’re giving more than you’re getting. When you can only see things through your lenses, it’s always going to feel like you’re coming up short. You’re always gonna feel like you’re the loser.
Stacey: 14:34 So the truth is, is demand relationship. To say that when they do x, then I’ll do y. Yeah. Anytime you’re approaching your relationship from that perspective, then you’re breaking down the relationship. In that moment. Relationship Development is, I don’t need anyone or anything else to change in order for me to get to happy and I know how to relate in ways that build up the relationship while still being my best and most importantly, most authentic self.
Stacey: 15:03 Now for relationship development sounds unimaginable to you. It’s because you don’t yet have the skills to live that way. That’s okay. That’s where everybody starts. Thousands of relationship transformers already do have this skillset and their living that way every day. Don’t you want that? Doesn’t your family deserve to be the next family to experience this?
Paul: 15:28 So myth number three is it doesn’t matter what I do, they will never change. We hear this a lot. Here’s the truth they already did. This is one of the biggest lies that we tell ourselves that they will never change. The truth is all humans change. It’s baked into our lives. They have already changed multiple times in their life and they’ve proved that this myth is just bullshit. We really have to look at it for what it is
Stacey: 15:52 your partner getting used to be, how you see them now. You fell in love once, or at least you had moments of wanting to be with them once so they’ve already changed and so have you. You are at the same person that you were 10 years ago, even five years ago. Everyone changes and if you to divorce and they meet someone else and fall in love, trust me, they will change. There’ll be a new and they’ll be free from all the crap that built up with you over the years and they will be different until the patterns repeat themselves in that relationship turns to crap too. There are two facts here. One, everyone changes. Two, you can’t demand that someone else change to please. You. See, when people say things like, people don’t change. That is a lie, but what they mean is I can’t get other people to change the way that I want them to change for me. While that is the truth. Yes, that is definitely the droop to man relationship doesn’t work, but actually, people do change. You change, your kids change, everyone changes.
Paul: 17:04 So what is the truth, right? We just kind of touched on it. How do people change? People change when they want to, not when you want them to, but they can change when they authentically want to change for themselves. People change easily and that’s what we do in relationship development. We inspire change in the people around us. It’s transformation through inspiration. That’s why it works. We’re not manipulating people to try and get them to change so that they can be the way we want them to be, which clearly wouldn’t be authentically them anyway, so they would be doing it for us. We learn how to relate in ways that inspire the best in them to come through authentically and it works. Thousands and thousands of relationship transformers will tell you the stories of relationships that looked like they were just too far gone and then one spouse started our quickstart program or came to one of our events and inspired to change. That changed them for a lifetime and now they’re both happier than they’ve ever been. And it’s just a skillset it can be learned.
Stacey: 18:05 So the lie is that they will never change because factually they will. The question is, will you
Paul: 18:12 even better ask yourself another question every day. Are you showing up as your best and most authentic self with your partner and your relationships?
Stacey: 18:21 See, we’re offering you the opportunity to become your best and most authentic self empowered with the tools and strategies that really work. Will you take this opportunity? Will you say yes for yourself, for your family, or will you stay stuck in your old ways? Who is the one who will never change? Are you really questioning if they will ever change or if you will ever change? I’ll share a story about two of our students. Um, well, one of our students, Brenda, and her spouse. Brenda came to us years ago and she was in a relationship that in her, you know, and from her perspective looks like, I don’t know if anything will work. I don’t know if anything, uh, we might be to the point of no return. I don’t know that anything will work. Luckily, Brenda’s sister had done our relationship u program and Brenda was watching the inspiring change that was happening for her sister’s marriage.
Stacey: 19:18 Even though her sister’s husband was not in a new of our programs. It was only her sister Adrianna, who was doing the program and her whole marriage, her family was thriving and Brenda’s sitting by watching thinking, Huh, well if that’s working for her, maybe this could work for me. And she had a glimmer of hope and inspired by that hope Brenda came to our event, started our relationship u program and started making shifts. Now Eddie, her husband was not a personal growth person. He’s not into personal growth and development. And so Brenda is a massive growth person. She’s really into personal growth and development. So she wanted to do all this stuff and in her mind she was at first stuck in. But if Eddie is not into this, if he will never do this, the nothing can change for me. If he won’t talk to me about this, then nothing can change for me if he won’t also do your program or watch your video or whatever, that nothing can change.
Stacey: 20:14 For me. It was only when she actually saw what her sister was doing, that her sister was inspiring transformation. She wasn’t demanding that other people change. She wasn’t dragging the rest of her family to this program or event with her. She was inspiring that change and when Brenda saw that it became very real for her and she’s like, okay, maybe this could work for me. So she dove into our stuff and did our relation to be program and started making tremendous changes in her marriage. Even though her partner’s totally not into growth and development and didn’t want to have anything to do with it. She started to see her relationships in her workplace. We’re started to flourish. Her relationships with her kids started to flourish and the relationship with her husband started to turn itself around. She was doing the work. He was making shifts not because she demanded it and not because she just did everything in the non power player way and tried to please him, which had also failed for her in the past, but because she was showing up as a relationship transformer because she was implementing these tools and strategies because she started to understand the differences between the masculine feminine because she started to finally see with new lenses where the source of their challenges actually were.
Stacey: 21:34 She turned their marriage around and eventually inspired this guy who was totally not a growth and development guy to show up at one of our events and to sit there and be like, holy crap, this is good information now. It took him what like a year before he was, we wanted to show up at one of our events and it didn’t matter. Brenda started seeing great results in her relationship right away as soon as she started in our program, and eventually there was so much transformation in their family that Eddie was inspired to show up at one of our events too, and could not believe the information that he was able to get and how empowered he felt to be able to really serve Brenda in a way that was totally off of his radar and they’re turning their marriage around now. It did not take both of them.
Stacey: 22:25 It only took Brenda to say yes and honestly, it all comes back to Adriana’s being the inspiration. See, when you say yes and you start the quick start, or you get your tickets to Rbr, whatever it is for you, or you join relationship u like Brenda did like Adriana did, you’re not only turning your marriage around, you’re not only taking your relationship to the next level. You’re not only breaking the chains of demand relationship in your family. You have no idea who you’re inspiring to, the right and to the left. Who else has going to witness your transformation and find the glimmer of hope that, oh my gosh, maybe that could work for me too. This is why our relationship transformers are the heroes that are stepping forward.
Paul: 23:14 All right, so to close, we always want some action steps, right? We want to do something different today. So the first thing for today is catch yourself. What are your false beliefs that you’ve been stuck in? What are the things that you have told yourself that are holding you back from making a change in a relationship? Second step, breakthrough, crushed that false belief and get to the truth. Third, ask us if you need help crushing any false belief. Come into the relationship transformer Facebook group today and ask our tribe for help. It’s my relationship development community.com in the last one for today is start something different. Start the quickstart program and or book your tickets for the relationship breakthrough retreat today. In the next episode is part two of busting the myth, the most common one but my partner is or but my partner is not. Stacy and I are going to bust through some of the most common false beliefs that hold people back.
Stacey: 24:09 Now, you’re sure to see yourself in at least one of these. These are what I call like, the top two, like the partner is, partner is not. Partner is, is things like, “Well this won’t work for me because my partner is ADD. My partner is a narcissist, my partner is a workaholic, my partner is.” Whatever it is for you. Or the flip side, “My partner is not this, like what if I’m a growth person and my partner is not? What if I’m an entrepreneur and my partner is not? I’m into healthy eating and my partner is not. I’m religious and my partner is not. What if I will talk about things and my partner will not? We’re going to go through all of what you think your partner is or is not, and bust the myths that are holding you back from having the relationship that you really want in the next episode.
Stacey: 24:54 Hey, thanks for listening to the podcast. If you love The Relationship Transformer Podcast, if you’ve got something out of this episode, take a screenshot of this on your phone, share it in social media, spread the word and tell people, “Listen to The Relationship Transformer Podcast.” That helps us reach more people who need this content and spreads the mission because remember until next time, together we are changing the way relationship is done.
Stacey: 25:23 Hey, would you like to get big results in your relationships in just 10 seconds a day? If so, then subscribe to our daily inspiration for relationship transformers or martinopodcast.com/dirt.