11: STOP Being a Pleaser, it’s Not Helping!

11: STOP Being a Pleaser, it’s Not Helping!

What’s The Episode About:

In this episode, Paul and Stacey will take on one of the most common and pervasive relationship killers, and it’s called pleasing. This isn’t just about love relationships, because when a person is a pleaser in any of their relationships, they are most likely pleasing in many of their relationships, and that actually causes way more damage than good. 

Paul and Stacey will talk extensively about it and share some very effective tools that we can use to stop being pleasers and embrace the relationship development practices that will help us achieve true happiness in all our relationships.

Key Points Discussed:

  • The difference between giving and pleasing (01:02)
  • Giving feels good but pleasing will always feel not so great (02:33)
  • A culture conditioned to be pleasers (04:32)
  • The emotional guidance scale (05:47)
  • The result of pleasing is resentment (07:52)
  • The dangers of demand parenting (10:28)
  • How to authentically show up in any situation (16:24)
  • The blame-sides-compromise dynamic is very broken (20:48)
  • Pleasing doesn’t actually create happiness (27:51)
  • How to stop being a pleaser (30:44)

Where Can I Learn More:

Get your ticket to the next Relationship Breakthrough Retreat here: http://bit.ly/rbr_podcast

When Did It Air:

July 4, 2019

Episode Transcript:

Disclaimer:   The Transcript Is Auto Generated And May Contain Spelling And Grammar Errors

00:00          Hey Relationship Transformers! Welcome to the Relationship Transformer podcast. Today, Stacey and I are going to take on one of the most common and pervasive relationship killers, and it’s called pleasing. This isn’t just about your love relationship. If you are pleasing in any of your relationships, you are likely pleasing in many of your relationships. It’s actually causing way more damage than it is good. That’s what we’re going to talk about today. So let’s cue up the intro and dive in.

 

00:32          So the big question is this; How is it possible that one person alone can transform any relationship, save their marriage, create their unshakeable love, and unleash passion, divorce-proof their family, without needing their partner to get on board and do this with them, and yet still get to be happily, authentically you without compromise. That is the question and this podcast will give you the answer.

 

01:01          Alright, so let’s talk about this. We’re going to talk about the difference between giving and pleasing. And even when I just say that, right, giving versus pleasing, which is one of the tools that are in our toolbox. We’re going to teach you some of it today. You can feel the difference, right? There is a difference between giving because it’s what you want to give, and pleasing because somebody else asked you to do something, like by definition, pleasing is doing something that you do not want to do, just to make someone else happy. So, let’s go back to the chart. Of course, I’m holding mine up, and I hope you are holding yours up. I’m holding the demand relationship versus relationship development chart. Can you hear it? The red and purple chart, if you don’t have it downloaded, go into the show notes and download it, because pleasing is all demand relationship, right?

 

01:56          Pleasing is doing something you don’t want for someone else who does, and that’s the win-lose dynamic. By definition, when you please in a relationship or when someone asks you to please. It is based on the premise of the win-lose dynamic… it’s understood there is no way for us to both be happy here, so one of us is going to have to compromise, and that’s the win-lose. I’m going to win this time, you’re going to lose, and the next time it’ll be your turn. Like that’s what pleasing is about. It is based on a win-lose. It is based in demand relationship and it doesn’t work. You want to talk a little bit about giving and pleasing?

 

02:33          Yeah. So you know the difference on the giving side is when you want to do something for someone else, it always feels good, right? So, you have this intention to do some good. You’re trying to do good. Even when you’re pleasing, your intention is a good intention. You want to do something for someone else. The difference is when you’re giving is congruent with what you really want to do. And when you don’t, and you’re pleasing, you’re like, “Oh I so don’t want to do this. And then you do it.”

 

03:00          I’m only doing it for them.

 

03:00          I’m only doing it for them. You know, your intentions might’ve been good, but the energy you know going into it is bad, and it’s not going to get any better, the energy stays bad, and then the result…

 

03:12          Yeah. Talk about giving experience. What’s the difference when you have giving energy?

 

03:16          Yeah. So when you really want to give something to someone, it feels good regardless of how it’s received. Right? Even if they don’t receive it with the, you know, sort of bells and whistles and parade that you may have expected it to, you still felt good doing it. You don’t regret the fact that you’re trying to do the good, you do whatever it is, and it feels good regardless of how it’s received. It’s just the right thing to do.

 

03:37          When you give to someone else, it’s because you want to. It’s authentic for you. It’s congruent for you. You feel great about it. You want to do this thing like everybody, if you’re listening, just think what was the last time, or what was a memorable time that you truly gave something to someone else. You did something for someone because you wanted to, not because they asked you to, or you created a gift for someone, or created an experience for someone, or gave help to somebody and you did it because you were observed. You’re like, yeah, you know what? They really need help with that. I’m going to go over and do something like I’m going to go help them. And it just felt good. It felt good to be of service. It felt good to be needed. It felt good to do something good for someone else, and that’s what giving really is. And it comes with that energy. Now, here’s the thing, we have a lot of folks, so if you’re listening and you’re like, oh, I’m a huge pleaser.

 

04:32          It’s like this is super, super common. We have a lot of folks that have become pleasers, especially women, and I’ll talk about that in a minute. Like we have become a culture that has been conditioned to be pleasers. It’s all about conformity, right? It goes back to when you’re a kid and your parents tell you what it takes to be a good kid in the house and you do things to please them so that they’ll be happy with you and there won’t be consequences, right? Or your teacher says, no talking in class and so you do that to please her so that she’ll think you’re a good student or whatever. Meanwhile, it’s not what you want to do. You’d like to be talking in class and fooling around and having fun or whatever it is like we have been conditioned to please other people in order to be quote-unquote a good person and this is all demand relationship.

 

05:20          It’s all based on the wind Lewis. There are other ways to be a good person to actually authentically be a good person and you are authentically a good person. The concept of pleasing someone else’s based on you know, the false premise that there just is no win-win here and the truth is there is always a win-win and it’s just that you’ve run to the end of your skill set and you can’t think of how to create the win-win. So you go into the wind lose and you suck it up and you please. But here’s the problem with pleasing and this is where we’re going to bring in another tool that we love to reach for. It’s called the EGS, the emotional guidance scale. Now, this comes from the book asking. It is given by Esther and Jerry Hicks. I loved that book. Highly recommend that book.

 

06:02          And in the book there’s a chart of the 22 emotions. It’s called the emotional guidance scale and the 22 emotions chart. Very similar to the demand relationship versus relationship development chart. As a concept, one side of the chart, um, has you feeling can ruin and authentic and positive. Those are positive emotions. I’m going to grab my chart here. It’s always next to me. Things like faith and appreciation and optimism and hopefulness and passion and joy. And then there’s the negative emotion side of the chart. Things like, um, everything from boredom, pessimism and doubt down to blame, anger, hatred, hopelessness, revenge, jealousy, fear, grief, depression, like all the negative ends of the emotion. So emotions range from the positive to the negative. And the whole point of the EGS is that when you take action from one side of the chart, positive or negative, the result is going to boomerang back to keep you feeling on that side of the chart.

 

07:02          Either the positive or the negative side of the chart and pleasing comes from the right side of the emotional guidance scale chart. You’re doing it from negative emotion. You don’t want to do it. You’re doing it to try to please someone else. Well, because pleasing is based in demand, relationship and demand relationship. Listen up because this is so key. This is a proven pattern dynamic. This is not a theory. You can test this out. Demand relationship. The win-lose dynamic breaks down our relationship only. Relationship development with a win-win builds up the relationship because pleasing is a demand relationship dynamic. The result of your pleasing action actually breaks down that relationship because it’s based on the wind lose and here’s what I want you to get. The boomerang emotion that comes back to you. The result that comes back to you from pleasing is resentment. It is a proven pattern because you do something only to please the other person. Do you want to do it? You’re like, I just did that to please you. It doesn’t work because it is demand relationship and then you’re resentful cause you’re like, I only did this a please you and it didn’t even work. Now I’m resentful. Right? If you’re a been a pleaser, can you relate? Give me an amen. Right, right.

 

08:23          Have you ever had that experience where you did something for someone else for their own good despite what you wanted to do and then it went badly and you’re like, ah, you’re so wildly frustrated. Anybody? I think every human across every continent can raise their hand on this.

 

08:38          It’s pervasive and what happens is we get stuck. We get stuck in this dynamic of being a pleaser of trying to please people because we just want them to be happy. The masculine gets stuck in this too. This is not just feminine, right? You see this everywhere. Men are trying to please their wives just to try and finally make them happy. It doesn’t work. And the Feminine Women Really get stuck in being a pleaser because the feminine is very much raised to be pleasing to others as a way to, you know, gain value as a way to show her worth as a way to gain favor. Like it’s just baked into training a girl how to be a good girl by being pleasing to others, especially her mother.

 

09:23          I’d even say like some people are raised in this environment. So in other words, let’s say you had a really strict upbringing, for example, where there were heavy consequences for not a bang for not pleasing, and that moment, even when it was against your will, so you didn’t really feel like you had your own authentic voice, you know, so you’re so used to it. You have this lack of feeling like you should be able to say you and speak your mind or have a different opinion on it.

 

09:45          I could not agree more. In fact, literally just saw this happen yesterday. Someone was posting a video of taking their kid to go get highlights in their hair. And at the end of the video I heard the mothers say to the kid that she hopped out of the chair, say thank you. Right? It’s training her to be a pleaser, like be blind to other people. Um, and so there are ways to have your children learn how to have honor, how to be,

 

10:07          how to treat other groups with dignity people, right? How, how to be wonderful. How did it begin to

 

10:12          understand what the rules are in certain situations, like, you know, use the classroom thing. Like of course we need some, some rules of how we need to be in certain circumstances. But there’s a big difference between pleasing this against your will and an understanding of what an environment is like that you’re entering into.

 

10:28          I love this. Let’s just take this and dissect it because this comes down to demand relationship versus relationship development. So pleasing is totally demand relationship. Like just do what I say and let’s use parenting because we teach Paul and I teach a ton of tools and strategies to stop demand parenting and to start relationship development and parenting and teaching your kids how to be pleasers or how to please his demand. Parenting. It’s like do what I say and it doesn’t actually, I’m going to say this again. I’m sure I’ve said this a thousand times before. I will say it a thousand times more. When you do demand parenting with your kids, you are not teaching them any of the values that you’ve been trying to teach them. Your not all you’re teaching them is how to navigate you. That’s it. When you demand parent and those of you who are parents, you see this, if you’re not parents or not parents yet, you’ve probably been parented this way.

 

11:23          At some point you’re not teaching them the values of being kind or being resourceful or having honor or telling the truth. You’re not. You’re teaching them how to navigate you and there’s one of two outcomes to demand parenting. Either one, you are successful and you raise a conformer and so they are the non-power player. They learn how to be the non-power player. They learn that you are the power player. They abide by you, they listened to you, and when they leave your protection, they have to seek another power player in life who may not have their best interests at heart because you’ve raised them to be a pleaser, to be a conformer or two, they’re totally not a pleaser. They’re not a conformer, they’re rebelling, but they’re learning how to con you to make sure that you think that they’re a good kid and they’re abiding by the rules and they’re getting away with stuff

 

12:12          until, until the escape your grip. Yeah, they’re out of your sight and everything you tried to instill in them that you want it to be authentic for them. They never learned it, they never learned it, and all they want to do is move the opposite direction. So the moment they’re out of your sight, they’re going to do all the things they’d been pent up waiting to do. Amen. And this giving and pleasing is the exact same thing. It’s a perfect example because there are ways to actually teach your children how to have integrity and honor and not lie and all of those things, right? They really get it to you. Yes, yes. You get the truths on them and you instill the kinds of great things that you are trying to instill because he had the best of intentions for them in the first place. But we just never saw the dynamic until we started pointing an out. So like, you know, once you see something you could do something about it and that’s what we’re here for.

 

13:00          That’s like the perf, it’s perfect. And this is exactly what this is. Because for instance, giving versus pleasing, teaching your kid how to please you is not actually teaching them how to think of someone else’s feelings or how to be truthful or how to help out. What’s that?

 

13:17          Being truthful even when it’s difficult, when it matters most, right?

 

13:20          How to help out, how to be part of a team, how to get resourceful. Like you can actually teach kids all of those things. But not by using demand relationship and just teaching them to do it because you said so or do it because you’re telling them to or because they want you to make, they want to make sure that you love them and you think well of them. So the difference between giving and pleasing is a great example of that because you can teach someone and help them learn the phenomenal ness of giving so that they want to do it so that they think of giving so that they think of being selfless when the time is right, when they’re of the right age to be able to even be selfless instead of teaching them how to please and conform because someone else said so. You don’t want to teach your kids to be pleasers because I’ll tell you what, they’re going to leave your house, they’re going to leave your eyesight and there’s going to be another authority figure down the road somewhere that is going to tell them to do something that you would not want them to do. And if they have been raised to be a conformist and a pleaser, you know they’re not in a good situation, you’ve really not prepared them the way you want it to prepare.

 

14:22          They will find it very difficult to resist that influence which may be a negative one.

 

14:27          Amen. So here’s the thing. There are ways to actually do all of this. There are ways to create happiness in your relationships with people without pleasing. There are ways to create happiness without resigning to the wind. Lou is like, ah, there’s no way to win here. I can’t make you happy. I’m just going to please you. You’re just not done yet. You’ve just run to the end of your skillset. You just don’t have a tool to reach for to actually create the win-win. But it’s totally possible. I will just tell you that Paul and I are not pleasers. We do not please anybody ever any time. We never do anything that’s not authentic and congruent for us and we’re tremendous givers. We’re hugely compassionate. We have a lot to give to a lot of people.

 

15:16          We serve tens of thousands of people all the time because Paul and I are completely filled up because we’re not also by the way, resentful or burnt out from trying to please people of doing things or living a life by default instead of living a life by design. Paul and I live our lives by design. Now I’ll just tell you the opposite of pleasing is not being an ass just because you’re going to say, okay, so I’m not going to please any more so just as everybody and screw you and only my way. Like, ah, hello. No, that’s just switching from being the non power player in demand relationship to being the power player in demand relationship. You’re still stuck in the trap of demand, relationship, exit demand, relationship, come into relationship development. Keep going for the win, win with heartfelt understanding, compassion being a giver, being your Authentic Self, getting the tools and strategies to keep going until you get the win-win.

 

16:16          Yeah. You know, again, going back to the original thing we talked about, if you think about it, what we’re basically showing you the way to do is how to authentically show up in any situation. And this is another example of that. How you know that you don’t like it when someone’s being inauthentic with you. I don’t know anybody who says, I love it when someone’s not being real with me. I just love that about them. You know, we all deserve to not only be authentic in every experience we have and every interaction we have with everyone else, but everyone else deserves that from you as well too. Whether it’s your mother, your kids, whoever it is that you’re interacting with, your boss, we all benefit when everybody shows up authentically and that’s what this is really about.

 

16:58          And I’ll just say, I’m so glad you brought that up. I’ll say this when you are not showing up authentically and Tom just calling it out and I say this with tremendous love. When you’re not showing up authentically, you’re really sending the message that, hey, I’m not going to be my real self here and let me tell you what missy, it’s not okay for you to be your real self with me either. So you just fake up and deliver what I want to see. As you know, the fake window as like you’re really sending a message to other people that you’re not going to be your true self and it’s not okay for them to be their true self around you either. So we’re all going to just pretend and say [inaudible] thanks [inaudible] and the kids at grade nine it’s all crap. Nobody wants that anymore.

 

17:43          It’s such crap. And so it’s so important to learn how to authentically navigate life. That’s literally what the relationship development toolbox lets you do. It’s about authentically navigating life. The happiest you’ve ever been and your relationships are thriving to so many people misunderstand relationship development. When we start teaching the difference between demand relationship and relationship development. I see this all the time. They think, okay, I got to stop doing the demand relationship thing and they just flip flop out of being the power play or in demand relationship and they think all right, so now I just have to like shut up and let everybody else have their way and just be nice because that’s gotta be the relationship development way. No, all you did was flip flop out of the power play or to the non power player role. You’re still stuck into man relationship. It’s about getting out of that blueprint completely. It’s not relationship development. Unless you’re authentically happy, happier than you’ve ever been, and thriving in your relationships to make them rise to be the best they can be. And you can have that. I’ll take family of origin is another one where pleasing really comes up.

 

18:56          No, I’m actually just thinking of a really simple example before you go into that to help everybody see something. So let’s go back to like when we were kids, now I’m, I’m masculine, so I was a boy and maybe my interactions are different. But the classic example I used to use is like when you’re really little, you’re playing with little kids or you watched little kids playing, the moment there is a disagreement. You know, they don’t like the way something went in. You’re ready to play a baseball game, for example. The moment something doesn’t go, one of, you know, the way one of a one wanted to, it’s like, fine, then I’ll take my bat and I’ll go home. So everybody loses, right? Like unless you conform to my way, you receive this at the two year old level and it’s only because of what they didn’t know what else to do, right?

 

19:38          They ran to the end of their skillset. So it’s like this is all I got. The only power I’ve got here in this situation as the power players, I’m holding this bat and I know if I take this home, nobody can play baseball, right? We’re doing the same thing. And then what’ll happen is, so maybe the kids will say, oh, I’m sorry Johnny, I’m all, I don’t go, I will do it your way so we can still play baseball. Amen. Or they’re like, fine, go home Johnny, we don’t care. And then everybody loses again. Right? So it’s lose-lose. By the way, I just want to bring that up again if we haven’t said it already, there is no such thing as when losing reality, it’s either lose, lose or win-win. And you’re seeing it here. This is a good example. Everybody loses, everybody can win.

 

20:17          And what was the gap? The gap was they had run to the end of their skillset and literally we’ve all grown up in a world where we were never taught the skills to navigate the moment successfully. So we run to the end of our skillset and all we’ve ever known is this wind lose power player, non power player model. And that’s my simply compromise and please, and that’s why what happens, we think, oh, in order to change the way I am now, I’ll just flip to the other one because we’ve seen no other models that my friends is the problem. So now let’s see when to see other examples.

 

20:48          You know, actually on that point, and yet, what are we taught everywhere? Every time you seek out a relationship will compromise. Compromise, compromise, compromise, compromise, compromise. Yeah, well you can’t win all the time. You know, there’s two of you. So sometimes it has to be her way. Sometimes it has to be his way. Blame sides, compromise, blame, sides, compromise. That’s all this ever been taught. It’s broken, broken, broken, and it will never work. Never, not longterm. And those of you who have been in longterm relationships, you already know, yes, I’m freaking exhausted. This has never worked. It’s never made anything better. And it doesn’t matter whether it’s your love relationship or any other relationship, all that’s taught and when you’re, you’re doing pleasing and compromise and all that, it’s all garbage. You’re not happy about it. And ps, it’s not making the relationships any better.

 

21:42          And that’s when most of us end up in this place where we’re like, you know what? Screw this. I’m miserable. It’s not making you any happier. So screw it. I’m just going to do what I want all the time. And then we end up in this place where we’ve kind of lost rapport with our partner. We’re kind of an island operating on our own and it’s just the clock is ticking. Now the clock is ticking before one person says, you know, why the hell am I doing this anymore? And so this dynamic has left us in a really bad place in our relationships. And not to our fault. It’s not our fault, it’s just that this was all that was ever shown.

 

22:19          And the other thing, I just want to give you a sort of a, a little mental picture for, to help you remember this concept, to help make it easier for you is, you know, we know that if we eat bad food over time, we eventually get this hardening of the arteries, right? This clogging of the arteries. And I heard something years ago that stuck with me. You know, when you see some people in the older generation and they say they have a hardening of the attitudes, right? Like they’re just immovable and they’re like, screw everybody. I don’t care. You know my way. And that’s what it comes down to is when they hit that point where they’ve given up like it doesn’t work no matter what. So screw everybody, you know, it’s a hardening of the attitudes and it’s only because of what long ago somebody ran to the end of their what

 

23:00          skillset.

 

23:01          Skillset. And it’s sad because we just think that’s the way it is. Or we find we, we get so frustrated where at the end of our rope we’re like, it’s unworkable. It’s impossible. You know, flying was impossible at one point too, right? So it’s just, you know, we had to evolve is the evolution that we’ve always needed and giving versus pleasing as a foundational piece. That’s why we’re bringing it up today. Like you just need to be able to start seeing it for what it is. And that’s not a good thing. People, a lot of people think, why I’m doing this, to please him. I’m being a good person. No, you know, I get it. Your intentions are good, but you’re not really being a good person by being on inauthentic. Keep that in mind. And if you really want to give, that’s truly being a good person, but just kind of come from your heart, it’s gotta be authentic for you. And there’s a way to do that. And it’s just that, you know,

 

23:45          we haven’t had the tools for it yet and we haven’t been brought up that way. Absolutely. And that’s pretty much all we teach. So I’ll use a really quick example, family of origin, because this comes up all the time and step four of our programs and our, our system, we teach how to create rock solid alignment with your partner. And um, very often we have to unravel family of origin stuff at this point and help people unravel that because when we get into a marriage, we still have family of origin demands on us, right? Not Everybody, but some people come from a strong family of origin where even after you’re married, you’re your parents, your siblings, your family of origin still has demands on you, still expects things of you. And very often people get into a dynamic where they’re still trying to please their family of origin.

 

24:32          And yet they have a wife or a husband, they have kids of their own, they have a primary family, right? Spouse and kids. And it really creates havoc. Um, some of you might find yourself in that dynamic where you, it’s either your family of origin or your spouses feel like it’s coming between the two of you because there seem like there are priority sometimes over your marriage. And we see this all the time. It’s extremely common. And what happens is this giving versus pleasing things comes up where kids are trained to please their parents and it continues into late in life. You have your own family and yet your mom calls and even though you’re supposed to do something for your wife or your kids, your mom calls and you’re like, well, I gotta go. My parents need me. I have to go do something to help my dad or I have to go do something to help my brother or whatever it is, and pleasing the family of origin overrides the relationship.

 

25:25          Now the devastation of this is not just in your primary family, your marriage, and we teach the skill set of how to do a hierarchy, primary family first, then family of origin, and you know, we go into that in our, our system, in our toolbox. But what it comes down to is I really want to help you start break this pattern because when you please your family of origin, you’re not actually making things better. Most people, when they go into pleasing of their family of origin, they’re doing it for one or two reasons. One, I always want to be seen as a good person. I don’t want them to see me as not a good person. You know, I’m filling up from that and to, I really would like to avoid the kerfuffle of if I say no because if I say no, I’m going to hear about it and I’d rather deal with kerfuffle with my spouse or my kids that I feel safer with and there’s not as much I can put a stop to that or I can work it out with them.

 

26:25          I don’t want crap from my family. And so people do it to avoid drama, to avoid Kerfuffle, but you’re not really avoiding anything. So just in case you have been a pleaser with your family of origin, unfortunately the boomerang is resentment. You know you’re resentful because you’re dealing the crap of your, your primary family as a result of prioritizing family of origin and the family of origin demands just keep growing like a beast that has to be fed, right?

 

26:53          The cost of that. So that’s really expanded so people can see for what it is. So Kima mind that the cost of that is that we approach these moments as if while I can just get through this moment that it’s over but it’s not, is it right now you’ve just done the opposite. You’ve sort of set this now as a baseline and you know that you haven’t fixed it. You haven’t navigated that moment successfully. So you’ve set a new baseline for this and guess what? There’s a few more things they would like to, so you’ve just opened up the door for the rest of them because you’re just going to continue to support what ever it is until you learn how to navigate what it was you were trying to run from.

 

27:29          The minute you go into pleasing, like in this example with family of origin, you’re establishing yourself as the non power player and them as the power play or in demand relationship. It’s not building a relationship between you two. You don’t love them because they’re bossing you around or expecting things of you or telling you what to do, even though you don’t want to do it. And they’re not, you know, growing and thriving in a relationship with you either. They’re not even really getting the real you and you have backlash on the backside of that pleasing doesn’t actually create happiness.

 

28:00          And that’s, I know what you wanted to do by self sacrificing, by being a pleaser, you want it to make other people happy, but it doesn’t, it falls short. It does. And it breaks down things. And now you’re setting a precedence of, yeah, I’m the person you call when you have demands and you want somebody to just do what you say. And that’s not really taking things anywhere for you. And it’s just about not having a skillset to navigate the moment in a way that really builds up. So here at, listen, before you freak out, and I’ve said this before, I love family. I’m not saying throw your folks on the side of the road in a ditch with a can of corn and drive off. And it’s, I’m not saying you sell everybody to go screw. I’m saying don’t be a pleaser with them.

 

28:48          Be Intentional. Know what your priorities are. Empower yourself with a skill set to actually navigate those conversations. Be Super Authentic and clear with the people in your life. Hey, this is what I can do. This is what I can’t do, but I can do this and I’m happy to help you out this way. Start coming from a place of giving. Don’t take action from pleasing. Get to a place where it’s actually giving for you and come from giving. When it comes to your family, your marriage, your kids, your work, whatever it is. Instead of being a pleaser and avoiding things, learn the skill set to be actually become a giver and then people feel that energy from you and you actually become magnetic. When you’re doing things from giving and you inspire other people to want to feel that way too, like, oh man, you’re so happy.

 

29:43          You’re so authentic. Like what are you doing? How are you doing that and your modeling skills of conversation. We model for our kids by not doing demand parenting. We’re modeling to our kids the skills of our ability to have a conversation. I was coming from being a giver instead of being pleasing and our kids don’t do pleasing. Now they don’t tell everybody to screw off either. They’re givers. They learn that by watching us. You can break the chains of demand relationship in your generation too by modeling this for your kids and not doing demand parenting, but teaching them how to be a giver instead of a pleaser. Now you’ve done it, now you’ve actually instilled the value in them. Now they’re learning how to navigate life authentically as a giver instead of just doing what you say until you’re no longer around and they have to do what the next person says. So that’s the difference between giving and pleasing. So that’s our, our one tool for today for getting out of demand relationship and doing relationship developments.

 

30:44          All right, so we always want to start with something you can do right now. So first notice where you are pleasing and how it boomerangs back badly. Notice some of those past experiences because when you can see it again, he can start to train yourself to do something about it. So first is notice. Second thing is stop. Stop yourself from going into pleasing as a way to escape your discomfort with that situation. Yes. So the next thing is also a stop. Stop asking others to please you. Yes, look for where you are doing that to others. We’re expecting them to please you even though you know it’s against their will. And then the last thing is start start solving your triggers and the needs for yourself, the things you need to do internally to stop playing out those old patterns that you know do not work.

 

31:35          Awesome. Awesome. Awesome. Alright, if you got value from this episode, take a screenshot of your phone, share it on social media. Tell people who you feel would really benefit from these kinds of tools and strategies that helps us spread this to everyone who deserves these kinds of solutions. Because remember, until next time we are changing the way relationship is done.

 

32:01          Okay. Are you ready to catapult your relationship forward to the next level, in just three days, surrounded by relationship transformers on the journey with you? Then go grab your live event tickets at RelationshipBreakthroughRetreat.com and we will see you.

 

2 comments on 11: STOP Being a Pleaser, it’s Not Helping!

  1. Yvonne Dow says:

    Stacey, Paul, your strategies are so simple, yet so powerful. I am trying to figure out how you identified these “gems”. It must have taken a lot of analysis and observation. Love it!

    1. rtpodcast says:

      So glad you love it Yvonne!!

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