In this episode, Paul and Stacey will talk about the Yellow Brick Road, a tool that they created to help people learn how life works, and what is required to move from one level of life to another.

What’s The Episode About:

In this episode, Paul and Stacey will answer the question, “What are the strategies for being able to work with your spouse in a way that strengthens your marriage instead of weakening it?” This is something that they get asked a lot because most spouses who work together find it nearly impossible to separate their marriages from their businesses.

Most of those spouses end up failing at one of those things, and usually, it’s the marriage that loses out since it’s easier to do business than to do marriage. Why? Because there are plenty of easily accessible resources everywhere like books and courses about business to help people run their businesses much more easily, but similar resources for marriage are limited. 

Spouses working together is always a magnifier for their marriage relationship. If they have things in their marriage relationship that they can’t talk about, it’s always a hundred times that in their business relationship. That’s the dynamic that people need to understand, and Paul and Stacey will share the four main things that spouses who work together or wish to work together can do to ensure that they achieve the desired win-win in both their marriage and business relationships.

Key Points Discussed: 

• If there’s something wrong in your relationship, it comes into the business, and vice versa (00:52)
• The ceiling on your business is the ceiling on your relationship (03:38)
• It’s a relationship deficit of what we don’t see that creates a loop (06:35)
• Investing in our relationship skills for ourselves pays off for a lifetime (14:39)
• The importance of the strategic reason for each of you to work in the same business (18:59)
• Don’t try to solve personal problems with a business solution (22:59)
• You can’t win without systems and processes (27:51)
• Understanding the invisible assumptions that create problems (31:21)

Where Can I Learn More:

• Get access to the Relationship Breakthrough Retreat – here
• Join the 14-Day Boost – here

When Did It Air:

12/19/2019

Episode Transcript:

Disclaimer:  The Transcript Is Auto-Generated And May Contain Spelling And Grammar Errors

Paul:               00:00 Hey relationship transformers. Welcome to the Relationship Transformers podcast. Stacey and I get asked a lot about how we work together. What are the strategies for being able to work with your spouse in a way that strengthens your marriage instead of weakening it? So today, we’re going to answer that question. So let’s queue up the intro and dive in.

Intro:              00:24 So the big question is this, how is it possible that one person alone can transform any relationship, save their marriage, great their unshakeable love and unleash passion, divorce, proof their family without needing their partner to get on board and do this with them and yet still get to be happily, authentically you without compromise. That is the question and this podcast will give you the answer. We are Paul and Stacey Martino and welcome to the Relationship Transformer podcast. We are Paul and Stacey Martino and welcome to the Relationship Transformer podcast.

Paul:               00:52 So, there’s a loop that happens. When you bring your spouse into your business. There’s a loop that happens, which is, if there’s something wrong in your relationship, it comes into the business. If there’s something wrong in your business, it gets back into your personal relationship. And this dynamic can be destructive for obvious reasons. And it’s a loop. It’s a loop we want to avoid. So today, we’re going to talk about some things that are going to help you with that, so you can get some clarity and do something about it.

Stacey:             01:25 Yeah, we hear that from people all the time. They’ll say like, “How do you guys prevent the business crap from coming into your marriage and impacting your family? Like I feel like when we have stress in the business, we have stress at dinner. When we have stress in the business, we have stress on the weekend, in Target with the kids. Like, when we have a problem in the business, it spills over, and we talk about it all the time.” That’s what Paul’s talking about. There’s this loop that nobody really sees. It’s invisible until you’re in it. And if you don’t have the tools and strategies to navigate this, your business will impact your marriage, your marriage will impact your business, your business will impact your marriage, your marriage will impact your business, and round and round it will go, until somebody yells, “It’s enough.” And at that moment, the scary thing is, one of the two are going to lose. And I just want to say that we’ve worked with a lot of people over the years, and very often the marriage loses. Because let’s face it, it’s easier to do business than it is to do marriage.

Stacey:             02:30 There are books for business, there are courses for business, and until us, there was nothing for marriage, so people had found it easier to have success in business, get results in business, feel successful and significant in business. And very often, what would happen is, they’d feel like, “You know what? I’m winning here. I’m losing here. It’s my partner. This is not the right match or whatever. Let’s release the marriage. We’ll be co-parents, and I’m keeping the business.” And, I just… I want to… we’re doing this episode, and we’re going to give you the skills and the tools, but you have to understand that there’s a loop. And if your loop is running in a negative direction, I want to give you a heads up before somebody says, “Enough.” One of these has to go, because in your heart, you don’t want to part with your business, and you also don’t want to separate your family. So, let’s get ahead of it now, and we’ll talk about… there are four things we’re going to talk about, for how to strategically work with your spouse, in a way that builds up your marriage instead of weakening it. So, the first one is… is that cool? Like, do you have something you want to add?

Paul:               03:38 We typically say the ceiling on your business is the ceiling on your relationship. No question. You’re not going to challenge one over the other. The two will compete if you’re having problems, one will impact the other even if your spouse isn’t in your business.

Stacey:             03:50 Yes. Amen. All right, so the first thing is this dynamic of understanding that working together is a magnifier for your marriage relationship. If you have things in your marriage relationship that you can’t talk about, it’s going to be a hundred times that in your business relationship. If you have things in your marriage relationship where there’s hurt feelings, it’s going to be 100% magnified a hundred times magnified in your business relationship, right? If you have things that caused kerfuffle in your marriage relationship, you’re going to have a hundred times that in kerfuffle in your business relationship. Working together is a magnifier, so if there are things that you’re trying to fix in your marriage or avoid in your marriage or things that you’re not aligned on, if you haven’t figured out how to have a win, win and align in your marriage in a way that nobody’s pleasing, nobody’s compromising, everybody feels like their happiest, most authentic self.

Stacey:             04:45 If you don’t have that in your marriage, it’s going to be a hundred times that in your business. Now, the flip side of that is when you have that in your marriage, when you understand the differences between masculine and feminine in your marriage, you end your operate with your partner in a way that honors their masculine or feminine. You’re going to bring that to your business and you’re going to have a hundred times that power in your business when you understand how to create that, when, when in your marriage so nobody feels like they’re losing, you’re going to bring that to your business and you’re going to have a hundred times that in your business where you are always creating that, when, when together and having that dynamic. When you don’t have demand relationship in your marriage and you bring that to your business, you have a relationship development based culture in your business with no crappy demand, relationship backlash.

Stacey:             05:40 It’s going to be a hundred times more powerful in your business. When you understand how to navigate a brick conversation with your partner in your marriage, where you can talk about anything without fighting, you’re going to bring that skill to your business and it’s going to be a hundred times more powerful in your business. So the challenges that we have in our marriage will magnify in the business and the power that we have in our marriage will magnify in the business. And it’s just a skill set and it can be learned. But just understand right now, check in with yourself and your marriage and whatever it is. If you’re unshakable, great. If you are shakable and there are some challenges where there’s kerfuffles or you feel like we shouldn’t fight this much, or why can’t we agree on this? Okay, so you’re going to bring a hundred times that into your business relationship. And that’s just the fact. That’s the predictable dynamic. So first of all just get clear on where you’re

Paul:               06:35 absolutely, you know, it’s the case really where people look at this as if it’s not a relationship issue as if it’s a business issue. Like it just isn’t working out in the business as if I hired the wrong person and don’t get us wrong. And we’re going to talk about that too. There’s a strategic side to this as well too that we will cover for you. But the bigger issue here, the one that’s not being escaped, the one that’s creating the loop is a relationship issue. And as Stacey is saying, the answer here is not to either blame it as a business issue and just kind of walk away from it saying, Oh, this didn’t work out in the business or, or a lot of people will tell you, Oh, you can’t have your partner in your business unless they support you 100% everything your way like, Oh no, that’s an escape.

Paul:               07:15 That’s an escape from actually solving the real problem because whether you do that with your spouse in your business or you do it with your coworkers in your business where someone you hired, you know, just getting rid of them actually isn’t the answer unless you want to keep repeating it, right? Is it’s either solve it and fix it or just keep repeating it in a different face, in a different form. So there’s a lot to it. So we will get into the strategic, but you know, it’s very important to get clear about where is the real problem and why. And it’s not about your partner. We just want to be really clear. These are dynamics. It’s not because your partner’s a bad person or flawed or not the entrepreneur. You are all these other things that we hear all the time. It’s a relationship deficit of what you don’t see that’s creating.

Paul:               07:58 They’re kerfuffle, they’re not incompetent, and we will get into where they are competent later. But the key thing here is we turn it into a fight about us as our partner or a resentment of how things didn’t go right, where as we expected in our business and we keep looking at the wrong targets and we keep creating labels about the wrong source of the pain. So we’re never going to fix it. And everyone walks away from that interaction feeling like it’s unfair or resentful of how that went. That’s all unnecessary. So first we have to get clarity about what is really going on. Let’s identify that loop and let’s talk about the strategic side because there’s another element here that is strategic. So let’s get both of those clear so that we don’t blame each other and our partners or our coworkers or people you hire your contractors. When in reality it was either a relationship deficit or a strategic one. And chances are is both, because there’s always a relationship aspect to all of these dynamics. If you’re interacting with another human, there’s a relationship aspect here that you need to be aware of and you need to be masterful with.

Stacey:             08:58 And when we say relationship aspect, what we mean is a relationship, skillset, relationship tools. And it’s so funny, people think that, you know what Paul and I do is marriage work and yeah, sure. I mean a lot, most people use this in their marriage. You’d be crazy not to, right? Who wants to live in a crap marriage or a mediocre marriage? But these are life skills. These are life tools and they’re relationship tools. And relationship means you interacting with another human. And that happens a lot. Yes it does. It happens a lot and it certainly happens in your business. So number two in this list of, of what we’re going to share with you today is you have to have the skills and tools you have to like, you can’t be, especially if you’re the business owner, right?

Stacey:             09:45 I forget who said the quote, so somebody will remind me. But someone said the bottleneck in your business is the mindset of the owner. So the mindset and skills and tools level of the owner is the ceiling of that business and you’re the bottleneck in the business. So you must expand your skills and tools if you’re going to be a business owner and run a team at all. But it’s really, really critical if you’re going to bring your partner into it because you know what? You can destroy a business. You can destroy a team, you can fire employees, you can be a solo preneur because you can’t figure out how to interact with other people or only hire other people that are just like you or whatever. You can do all those things, but once you bring your spouse into your business, it’s not so easy.

Stacey:             10:33 You can’t order them around. You can’t fire them the same way. It’s not the same dynamic and you’re really running the risk of taking this, burning this down and burning your marriage down with it. So it’s so critical. It’s mission critical that you get the skills and tools that are needed to understand the differences between the masculine and feminine. Understand how to wrap what you say to someone based on how they are wired and need to receive it. How to have a brick conversation so you can talk about anything without fighting. How to get to the win-win and never settle for the wind, lose all of these things. They’re not just for your marriage, they’re for your team, they’re for your clients. Oh my gosh. If you don’t understand how people are wired, you’re missing out on a lot in your business with respect to your clients, right?

Stacey:             11:20 If you’re an entrepreneur and you don’t have these strategic life skills for the interactions that you have with other humans, like you’ve got to get the training. This is part of being an entrepreneur and owning a business, but it’s also mission critical because you don’t want to destroy, just destroy your business if it’s going to have that loop, that impact on your marriage. There’s a huge ROI for being able to operate your business with these skills. Some of you have communities, right? Like we have community on Facebook for our relationship transformers community. It’s a private Facebook. Some of you have private Facebook groups and client groups and communities and Facebook and other platforms and there’s entitlement and complaining and negativity and people operating from demand relationship with you and you don’t like it, but there’s a solution to it. When your relationship transformer and you set community standards and demonstrate how to be a relationship transformer, eliminate so many problems in your culture like you have dream clients now, right?

Stacey:             12:23 Because they’re not doing demand relationship with you. Your customer service department isn’t responding to a demand relationship-based emails of like you said this and you better this, and I said jump and you better say how high. When you demonstrate that your culture is a relationship transformer culture. When you honor people for how they’re wired and let them know that you, we honor people for how they’re wired in this culture, like your team becomes more pleasurable, your client base becomes more pleasurable, even your community and everybody out who follows you becomes more pleasurable and you eliminate a lot of difficult problems of your team doesn’t know how to respond to this email of this person who’s freaking out or you’re giving out refunds all the time because people are just, the culture is rampantly bad. Like all of these skills and tools that we teach have a huge ROI when you take it into a business. Of course the most important one is the impact on your marriage, but there are a lot more,

Paul:               13:21 and I also want to add before we move onto some more about the strategic side of this on the ROI side, let’s go back to something Stacy said because I don’t want them to get missed and it’s very common, especially if you’re a new relatively new entrepreneur or you’re starting off in another business. Entrepreneurs have sort of our trajectory. And part of that trajectory is in the beginning you’re growing, right? You’re, you have your own unique gift and you start growing and you find yourself in that position where you have to hire these other people. In the beginning we find, you know, the tendency is the entrepreneur wants to find someone just like them. Like, Oh, they’re just like me.

Stacey:             13:52 Cool. You’re just,

Paul:               13:53 you’re just like me. And guess what? You don’t need another you in your business. You need people that are different than you that bring different skill sets. And guess what? You want that. And when you want that and you bring it in, you start to realize, Hey, they’re very different from me and I know some challenges. You can’t just fire them, you know, and say, Oh, I want someone more like me because you won’t grow. Again, on the ROI side, you’re going to continue to be where you are to a large degree and radically stunt your growth if you don’t embrace the people who bring the skills that you don’t have into your business that you know that you need. So again, there’s so many facets to this that get lost and it always amazes Stacey and I how you know, and I think we just need to keep getting that message out there.

Paul:               14:39 How people look at relationship as if it’s optional, like I don’t need relationship skills. I’ll figure it out as I go, and then they become entrepreneurs or get more complicated lives and wonder why things are going so wrong without realizing that like anything, well, I don’t want to invest the time or money into this because it’s not that important. Like my business is more important. You can’t separate these things. It’s funny how you’re dealing with humans and we just need to get that message out there more because I hope that this beginning of this podcast alone is showing those out there that investing in your relationship skills for yourself pays off for a lifetime in so many multifaceted ways. It’s crazy that people don’t recognize it as if they do like, I’m going to re save for my retirement or I’m going to invest in my health and and work out at the gym. Whatever it is they’re investing into. For some reason there’s still this false belief out there that people don’t see the real,

Stacey:             15:30 I don’t need any relationship skills. I don’t need any improvement in my skill level in interacting with any other humans. Every human relationship that I am is awesome. Everybody’s happy, everything’s always awesome. My family get togethers, awesome. My kids love me. It’s always awesome. Nobody buys my marriage, my business, my clients, everything is awesome. I don’t need any improvement. They’re like, it’s ridiculous. It’s crazy and we’re hurting ourselves because just like Paul says, I’ll give you a great example. Paul and I are polar opposites. We are wired completely opposite from each other in pretty much every possible way that two people can be opposites. That’s me and Paul and in our business too. I am very visionary and big idea and strategic thinker and possibilities and Paul is super like, get it done, implement it. How are we going to do this? What are going to be the problems? How can I solve those problems and how can we get this done and close the box and like we are the opposite and we need, obviously you just heard me, we need both sides of those skillsets in order to have a phenomenally growing mission based organization, right?

Stacey:             16:43 You know that we need each other because we’re different. But if you don’t have the skillset to navigate a relationship with someone who’s polar opposite from you and you’re okay with them being polar opposite from you, you want it. But on the day to day, you know some times people want to scratch their eyes out. You must learn how to navigate life with team members who you’re a big thinker but you need the checkbox people. You need the doers. But sometimes you want to pull your hair out with the doers cause you really don’t know how to wrap your conversation for their ears. You don’t know how to be an effective communicator for how they’re wired, not how you’re wired. Like these are critical, necessary skills and if you don’t have them, it’s just causing more kerfuffle. And if you do have them, man, life is good and as hard as businesses, it’s easier and the ROI starts to skyrocket when it comes to your team, when it comes to your clients. But most importantly when it comes to your marriage,

Paul:               17:44 even if you’re not that person who is saying like, Oh my business is great and living sort of what we know is not true, right? Not living in a a reality based perspective. When you’re telling people that, um, most often what we see too is they’re just saying everybody else is wrong. Nobody gets me. I’m so misunderstood. I’m the genius here in my business. And just if everybody could see things my way, you know, then they would be corrected and they would truly hop on board and we would still be missing the boat. Right? We still be looking at the wrong target. So there’s so many ways to this space

Stacey:             18:15 or they’re a demand relationship. You know, they’re stuck in demand relationship where everybody that works in my business needs to support me and if you don’t get it, you’re out. Right? If you don’t support me, you’re out. Like that whole thinking. Like if you’re not seeing this the same way I’m seeing this, you’re gone. Like I can’t even be with you. That demand, that’s the same in marriage, by the way, is the same in parenting. It’s the same in friendship in my way or the highway. The wind lose. Like if you’re operating that way, it’s, you know, you’re living in the results of that. And so is your team. And if your spouse is involved, that’s where now we’re in a loop and it’s a dangerous loop. And so that’s why must have these skills. You must have these tools. So let’s go on to number three.

Paul:               18:59 Yeah. So there needs to be a strategic reason for each of you to work in the business. You know, very often what we see is, again, entrepreneurs have this sort of trajectory and it’s a good one and it’s a challenging one. It’s not an easy path. I’m not saying that you should have known better, it’s not as complicated, but we’re trying to shortcut that for you from being a little higher up on the mountain. And what happens is typically when entrepreneurs start getting to that point where they’re bringing in others or they just really want to bring in their spouse into the operations for one reason or another because they just want to spend more time with them or make them part of the business. Whatever your reason is, them work from home.

Stacey:             19:31 Yeah, them out of their job because their job is causing stress to the families. So we’re like, well, come work for the business this way. You won’t have to answer to a boss. We won’t have vacation day problems. All of the yada, yada, yada is, you won’t have to travel. All of those reasons are usually very common for why we’re bringing a spouse into our business.

Paul:               19:50 So it starts off that way, right? We start off with all these good intentions of why that’s going to be a great thing and it’s not really thought through. We just figured, Hey, we’ll work this out, which is going to require some relationship skills. Right? But nonetheless, we bring them in with the best of intentions, but there needs to be a strategic way of bringing them in or it doesn’t make sense and it’s not gonna work. So let’s look at both sides of it. There’s this is now where we’re going to get into the strategic part of this that we really have to be clear about. As you get into this decision, you don’t want to just make that decision and just decide, well, we’ll figure it out along the way. There’s a way to avoid a lot of unnecessary kerfuffle upfront if we can see it.

Stacey:             20:27 So if you have this invisible assumption like, Oh, we have personal reasons for both wanting to work in the business, so we’re going to do that and then they’re going to help out. It’s going to be super helpful to have them here. Like catch yourself on that word helpful. Just catch yourself because the way that it works, if you want to know what are strategies for how to successfully work with your spouse in your business, the one of the strategies is you need to have a strategic reason why each of you needs to work in the business. And that is comes down to understanding what is your unique brilliance. What is their unique brilliance? How are you wired? How are they wired? What is the role that you have in your business that they are the best choice for? Yeah, that’s exactly it. You need to know.

Stacey:             21:20 So when Paul was still working in corporate it and I was primarily running relationship development and growing this organization, it came to a point where I said, I need to hire my husband. We need to grow this organization to make enough to hire Paul, right? Because there’s nobody better at it infrastructure than Paul. There is nobody better at operations than Paul. There’s no better manager than Paul. And Paul develops half, at least half of the content around here. Like, I need him in the business full time because it’s holding us back that he’s not here. He is the best at all of those pieces. That is how he’s wired. It’s the opposite of how I’m wired. And yeah, in the beginning I could kind of grow this organization with some VA’s doing those roles, but as we got bigger, I needed to go beyond a VA and I’m not going to pay an employee when I could pay for Paul Martino. Right? He’s like the best. So there was a strategic reason for him to come into this business. He had a strategic role that he’s uniquely brilliant and wired for. And so he came into that. That is a strategic approach to working with your partner.

Intro:              22:32 Exactly. So the key operative word here is role, right? So what is the role that they are the best choice for? And if you’re just bringing them in for the sake of bringing them in because you think there’s a a good reason. It also needs to have a clear role where they can actually serve the business. It’s not something you want to make up as you go along. Chances are really small that’s going to work out for you from a strategic perspective alone.

Stacey:             22:59 Yeah. Don’t try to solve personal problems with a business solution. Don’t try to solve personal problems of my partners miserable where they are, so I’ll hire them. My partner travels too much in their jobs, so I’ll hire them. Do not use your business as a solution to a personal challenge because if we don’t actually solve the challenges in our lives, they run after us. Bigger hairier and scarier wherever we go. And the way that that ends up usually biting people in the butt is that you didn’t have a role for your partner and so now you’re going to fight about that. You’re going to, you’re going to fight about like, why aren’t you taking care of that? Like I don’t know how to take care of that. I thought I did the way you want, like why aren’t helping you this way? I thought you were going to be more help to me.

Stacey:             23:47 I thought you were going to like all of these. I thought you were all of these arguments that come into, Hey, we ended up in this situation where we actually didn’t have a clear role in, you’re not actually qualified for that role and a biting you in the butt. So because your problems chase after you bigger hairier and scarier if your partner isn’t happy where they are in their work. The solution for that is to learn how to be happy regardless of where you are in your work. If your partner travels too much for work, the solution is looking for something that makes their heart sing without that much travel in their work. And if they are uniquely brilliant for something in your business, God bless, that’s awesome. But think of it strategically. Make sure there’s a role, there’s a whole concept of role-based businesses versus personality driven businesses.

Stacey:             24:32 The old way of thinking in business as a personality based, a personality driven business where you’re like, Hey Betty, so smart, give Betty this. Hey Betty, so smart, we’re growing. Let this person report to Betty. Hey Betty, so good. Let her take on this. And we have a personality based business where you know Betty’s great Betty does things Betty’s way and we just keep putting more on her. But if you know, God forbid Betty got hit by a bus, nobody knows how to do anything around here because it was just Betty did it the way she was going to do it. Whereas a role based organization maps out what are the individual roles based on how somebody would be wired because you can’t have one role that needs to be serviced by the way to humans would be wired, right? Can’t ever roll. That would be both phenomenal for me as the visionary, strategic, big thinker and phenomenal for Paul as the how do you do it?

Stacey:             25:24 What are the holes? Let’s get it done. Like that’s not going to be the same role. There is no role that needs to be one person wired both ways. We’re polar opposites. So once you break down your business and to role base and there’s all kinds of stuff you can do searches on that for how to do that, then you need to think about how are you uniquely brilliant, how are you wired and your partner or vice versa. Let’s not overlook that. The power of that unique brilliance. So here’s the other side of this that’s often not seen. Not only do you want them to be serving the business in a way that they’re wired for because it will benefit the business, but longterm you want this to last. If they are not wired for that job, they will not like it. If they got into it and you’re like, I need someone to hit, I’ll just make up an example.

Paul:               26:08 I need somebody to handle mail, pick up, drop off the returns and pay the bills and my business. Not your role. And their job used to be one that was fulfilling for them in some way at least. Yeah. Like, or, or like they enjoy the creativity, creativity or getting things done or you know, whatever it is that they enjoyed about it and you’re not using what they’re uniquely wired for, they will become unhappy in that role. And now again, it’s a source of a fight. So it’s lose, lose and win-win and everything when it comes to relationship, including hiring for strategic reason, right? Based on their unique brilliance. You really want to find that for them as much for your business if you want it to last long term. And by the way, I learned unique brilliance. It was a concept that Dan Kennedy taught. Um, I think there are stuff out there.

Stacey:             26:51 If you Google Dan Kennedy unique brilliance, you can learn his quadrants and how did you figure out what yours is and what someone else’s is? We do our unique brilliance quadrants. Everyone on our team does theirs. It’s just a super great way to make sure that people are in the right seat. Right? And that brings us then to number four that we want to cover today, which is every role in your business needs systems, processes, and explicit communication in order for the person who’s in that role to be able to operate effectively. And here’s where invisible assumptions and personality based businesses really become miserable places to work. Because when someone does their job and they don’t meet your expectation and then you’re unhappy and they’re unhappy because they wanted to do a good job and you’re not happy with them, they don’t understand why it is a miserable loop of like, this isn’t good enough.

Stacey:             27:51 You need to bring your best, and you have all these invisible expectations of how something should be done, how it can be effective, but it’s not written down. There’s no system, there’s no process, there’s no checklist. They really can’t win. And so when you, as the owner of the business, that’s your personal responsibility to ensure that there are systems, processes, and explicit communications for every single role in your organization. And this is mission critical. If you and your spouse both work together. This is where some of the biggest breakdown happens is when we bring our invisible expectations and assumptions to our work and their work. When we say to them, Hey, I’m bringing you in like just help me out with the client. Help best this week, please. It’s just crazy. Just go in there and help out and then they do all kinds of things.

Stacey:             28:42 That to them is totally helping from their visibility, from their lenses, from how they’re wired, for how they see the world, but like the four things that you’re like, I’m still having to do these four things and customer service. What happened this week? They don’t see the world that way. They didn’t know what your four things were. It was implied right when you thought they were going to take workload off of you, but it was never actually communicated explicitly or there was no process for that. You, we carry these invisible expectations. They are so damaging to relationships. I want you to check in with yourself right now. If you work with your partner, focus on that. If you don’t work with your partner, focus on some other team member or some other function in your business or at work. What is something that’s going on that is really disappointing you, really frustrating you, something that’s not being done the way you want it to be done and ask yourself, are there explicit communication around this?

Stacey:             29:41 Are there systems and processes and checklists for how this gets done? Is that, does that process include checking in for completion and success factors and moving things up or down as they need to be moved? Correcting things and auto adjusting as it needs to happen? Is this moving forward with a process or a system or a checklist and if it’s not and we’re just counting on bill to do a good job and do it right, it’s our responsibility. That is a demand, relationship based skillset that is coming back to bite you in the butt, which is what demand relationship does. It breaks down relationships between two people because we’re carrying around this invisible expectation is hurting us and it’s hurting them and things aren’t moving forward. This is mission critical. If this person is your spouse, the worst thing you can do working with your partner in a business is having visible expectations as to how they should be operating and stuff that you never thought to mention.

Stacey:             30:45 Stuff that you never thought to explain. Stuff that you’d never had to create a system or process for before because you were the only one who did it and because they’re awesome and you love them or whatever, you just assume they would pick it up and run with it, but there’s no process. There is no SOP, there’s no system for it and it’s not fair. It’s not going to go well and it’s not just your business that’s going to suffer. It’s your relationship with them that’s going to suffer and then that loop kicks in from business to marriage, marriage to business, business to marriage, marriage to business. It’s not good. It’s too risky.

Paul:               31:21 So as you can see, if you take all that in and really look at it, it really wasn’t about the other person, right? It was about understanding these invisible assumptions, all these invisible layers that we’re bringing to this situation, which is creating a problem that was unnecessary and what we really have to do as entrepreneurs or the business owner is learn how to become a good business owner. Learn how to hire people that are different than you. Bring in those skills that you get to snap onto your business to make you so multifaceted, which you need to be if you want to survive, right, and becoming that person that can lead the business. That’s what this is about. Making the decisions as the leader of the business based upon clarity of what the real root issue is. Preparing for it, investing the time and getting it right and then make the decision, not a, I’ll make a decision and then I’ll figure this out later.

Paul:               32:09 That’s actually not a great approach to take in pretty much anything in your business except for maybe learning a new path of what your customers might need. That might be the only time because you have to see what people are wanting from your business, whatever the case may be. So it’s really not a good idea to just form this as it goes and hopefully with the clarity of what we already covered here, you now see the roadmap ahead of what you need to be doing so that you can handle this smartly upfront knowing it’s still not easy, you know, it’s not like, Oh, this is just going to snap into place. We have to grow to become that person. So you will, if you’re starting this endeavor off, you’ll have some growing, but you’ve got it covered now because you know what the targets are.

Stacey:             32:50 So let’s get the action steps down. What can we start doing now?

Paul:               32:53 All right, so number one, get the skills, start one of our programs, get your ticket to the next live event, but get the skills you need to become that person that can interact with those people that are not like us and our spouse and not have relationship. Become part of that negative loop that we talked about earlier. Number two, strategic thinking. Start looking at how your spouse is wired. How are you wired? How are your team members wired and understand how to interact with them in a way that’s constantly building up that relationship, building up your rapport, building up that productivity and that good feeling of working with each other. Learn to start looking at those things. Number three, roll base business. Start looking at the roles in your company, not the personalities and how someone would need to be wired to be the best at that role, especially if you expect that person to be around for a long time.

Stacey:             33:45 Awesome. If you love this podcast, take a screenshot of it and share it. Hashtag RT podcast hashtag relationship transformers tag me and social media and share it with the people who need it. And until next time, remember together we are changing the way relationship is done.

Outro:              34:07 Hey, would you like to get big results in your relationships in just 10 seconds a day? If so, then subscribe to our daily inspiration for relationship transformers or the D.I.R.T at www.MartinoPodcast.com/DIRT

We all have those moments where we get triggered by our partner, and unfortunately, people don’t know what to do at that moment, and it happens to the best of us.

In this episode, Paul and Stacey will share the surprising answer they have to the popular questions, “Why do people make promises they don’t keep?” and “What can I do when my partner keeps making promises they don’t keep?”

In this episode, Stacey will share a special video that she recorded where she shares the three secrets that can revolutionize the way any of us does relationships. She will talk about how we can implement the relationship development tools in our relationships in order to get the love and passion that we really want.  

In this episode, Paul and Stacey will talk about a very powerful dynamic that keeps so many people stuck and miserable.

In this episode, Paul and Stacey will talk about the biggest mistake people make with their relationship development method, mainly from misinterpreting it to mean that they should put up with things or just let things go.

In this episode, Paul and Stacey will share some behind the scenes content from their recent relationship development parenting live event day and specifically focus on sharing one major nugget that we can all implement immediately in our parenting.

In this episode, Paul and Stacey will share the story of where they were 10 years ago when they lost everything and had to start over. It all started when they lost their consulting business and started experiencing financial difficulties that pushed them to get jobs.

What’s The Episode About:

In this episode, Paul and Stacey will talk about the well-meaning people in our lives who have the best intentions for us, and how they might be negatively affecting our lives. Advice is something that we all get every day, from every body, even when we’ve really not asked for it.

That’s because the people in our lives always have an opinion about everything, and Paul and Stacey will teach us how to see that dynamic and navigate it in a way that doesn’t negatively impact us individually, and doesn’t destroy the relationship with them either. Enjoy!

Key Points Discussed: 

• How the masculine responds to a woman who goes into her masculine (02:15)
• Nobody has the right to tell you what you should do in your life (09:14)
• Being clear about who you’re listening to (10:31)
• Taking personal responsibility for triggering friends to give us advice (15:15)
• Growing by investing in your mindset, your skillset, and your network (16:11)

Where Can I Learn More:

• The 14-Day Boost Program
• www.CashflowTactics.com
• Have you signed up for The D.I.R.T. ?! http://bit.ly/2KlobXZ
• Check out our programs: www.RelationshipDevelopment.org/Programs
• See our upcoming events: www.RelationshipDevelopment.org/Events

When Did It Air:

October 17, 2019

Episode Transcript:

Disclaimer:  The Transcript Is Auto-Generated And May Contain Spelling And Grammar Errors  

Paul:               00:00 Hey relationship transformers. Welcome to the Relationship Transformer podcast. Today, Stacey and I are going to talk about the well-meaning people around you who have the best of intentions for you. And, you may not even realize how much they are effing up your life. Advice. Right? It comes at us from all sides. Everyone has an opinion about everything. Right? What we’re going to talk about today, is how you can see this dynamic, and how you can navigate it in a way that doesn’t negatively impact you, and doesn’t destroy the relationship with them either. And remember, if you know someone who needs to hear this podcast today, be sure to share it with them, but in the meantime, let’s queue up the intro and dive in.

Intro:              00:43 So the big question is this, how is it possible that one person alone can transform any relationship, save their marriage, great their unshakeable love and unleash passion, divorce, proof their family without needing their partner to get on board and do this with them and yet still get to be happily, authentically you without compromise. That is the question and this podcast will give you the answer

Stacey:             01:14 Alright. So, in one of the most recent podcasts, I shared a story about one of our students who came to the Q&A call talking about how her husband hurt her feelings. You remember this podcast? It was, I think just two podcasts ago. One of our students said, you know, her husband had said to her, “Oh, I’m gonna reach out to our daughter who’s better with computers. And, her feelings were hurt, and she’s like, telling him how he’s being insensitive, and if he could just change a little bit. What I didn’t share about that story, was that when she came to the call with me and Paul, she shared, and you know, I talked to my friend about this, and I knew as soon as she said that, I’m like, “Alright, here we go.” She’s like, “I talked to my girlfriend about this, who, you know, told me that she thinks that my husband is a bully, and that I should learn to be tougher with him and stand up to him. That I don’t have enough confidence, and that he’s steamrolling me, or he’s bullying me. And that that’s where I should focus.”

Stacey:             02:15 And the student said, “What to you think? Now, of course, my first words were… what I think is I don’t really give a crap what your friend says. How many marriages has your friend saved? But the truth is, I want you to just take this into perspective for just a minute. Like, put your relationship transformer lenses on. Her friend is telling her that her husband is a bully, and she should learn to have more confidence, and be tougher, and stand up to him. I’m going to ask you the question. What is her friend really telling her to do? Think about it. You know what the answer is? She’s telling her to man up. She’s telling her to go into her masculine. She’s telling her to protect herself, weapons up, and fight. Now, I know a little something about relationships. I know Paul knows a little something about relationships. So my question is, how does the masculine respond to a woman who goes into her masculine, puts up her weapons, and fights? Paul?

Paul:               03:14 Well, let’s start off by demonstrating the fact that her husband is a very masculine man. And, her friends’ advice is to tell her to become fake masculine, to confront real masculine. And, I can tell you that real masculine doesn’t take confrontation from other masculine very well. We don’t like it, but we’re very happy to be there. You know why? We’re already there. We’re comfortable there. Conflict is something that would definitely come out of this. Resolution wouldn’t be the outcome of this, but if you want to start a fight, if you want to create a challenging environment where your man is now going to bring some anger, or some hostility, or definitely meet you where you’re bringing the energy to him from, that’s what you’re going to find on the other side of that equation. Suiting up, manning up, and bringing in that kind of confrontation to her husband, would have definitely led to a confrontation with her husband hostility and he could stay there all day long because he’s already there. He’s a masculine man. So as suiting up with the fake masculine was certainly not the right answer there.

Stacey:             04:12 See the masculine doesn’t really respond well. Authentic masculine does not respond well to when us as feminine go into our masculine. Now if you don’t really have a depth of understanding the difference between the masculine and the feminine, we’ve done other podcasts on this and you can actually go into our 14-Day Boost Program and get the upgrade to the passion boost program in there. Cause we give some powerful training on the difference between the masculine and the feminine dynamic in there. But you know, that’s just a fact. When masculine comes up against masculine, it’s a massive trigger for the masculine. When us as feminine, we go into masculine protection. Now here’s the thing, I’m also gonna tell you that in doesn’t matter. Masculine, feminine, bunny snake, I don’t care what it is. If you show up to somebody’s weapons up, ready for a fight, excuse me.

Stacey:             05:06 How is that turning into a magical love relationship on any planet? Right? But that’s what we’ve all been conditioned to do, right? One of our students was just saying the other day like, you know what I’m realizing as I’m doing this feminine masculine work is that my whole life, the only things I’ve ever been rewarded for, we’re going into my masculine. Oh, you’re so strong. Oh, you’re so independent. Oh, you’re so accomplished. Oh, you’re so tough. She’s like, I’m never ever rewarded growing up for being in my feminine. Hey, good for you. Being open way to stay open and show vulnerability and be there for people and be nurturing and be compassionate. Like the feminine was not very rewarded. Right. For all of us, we’ve been conditioned this way. And so it’s only natural to, by the way, be in the world of people who are stuck in demand relationship.

Stacey:             05:54 And for someone to tell you, Hey, don’t you know, take that sitting down. He’s being a bully. He’s actually not being a bully or her friend has no understanding of the masculine. He’s a masculine man and he’s stating a fact and asking him to soften up and be more nurturing is asking him to be feminine, which by the way, the student is very lucky that her husband is not feminine, that he’s authentic masculine and he’s strong and doesn’t need to be any different than that. So what’s interesting here is when the student came to the Q and a call, she said, you know, this friend is the seventh power friend of mine. And so we teach seventh power comes from Tony Robbins world seven powers like your tribe, like the people that you grow with, the people that are on the personal development journey with you.

Stacey:             06:40 And so the student was saying, right, like on a peer level, this is the seventh power of friend that I can talk growth with. Like I can have these conversations with them, but they’re not a relationship. Seventh power friend there is the difference. Okay. I’m saying this to all of you cause some of us have people in our seven power, we have a tribe. Like we have an entrepreneur tribe. We have seven power friends and health, right? Or in fitness or in wealth. Having a relationship, seventh power is a whole different thing because I can go into all of my tribes, entrepreneur, health, wealth, all of them. And when it comes to relationships, they’re still stuck in demand relationship only in relationship development. Can you have a relationship, seventh power tribe who’s going to be there for you at the relationship development level, right?

Stacey:             07:31 As this student had just called up her accountability buddy in our program and said, Hey, this is what happened. This was the kerfuffle. It really hurt my feelings. I promise you that another student and relationship development would not have said, Oh my gosh, he’s being such a bully. Right? Cause it’s so ignorant, right? He’s being masculine. He doesn’t have sensitivities like that and lets just as blueprint, he loves you very much. And he said what he meant and he meant what he said as genuinely surprised that there was even an issue because, no, no, I know you heard her. Right? And so that’s the difference between having seventh power and having relationships. Seventh power. Her friend only understands demand relationship. Now here’s the thing I want to ask you, cause you know this already, if she followed her friend’s advice, would she be building up her marriage or breaking it down?

Stacey:             08:25 Because in the end, that’s the only thing that matters. When someone gives you advice, we’ll talk about advice in a minute. But when someone gives you advice, if you follow it, would you be building up your marriage or breaking it down? Because that’s the only thing that matters. Paul and I teach that there’s an upward spiral to your relationship and a downward spiral to your relationship. And of course they meet right in the middle, the point of nonresistance. And so all you need to ask yourself anytime you’re going to take action is, is this going to put me on the upward spiral of growth for my marriage? Or is this going to take me into a downward spiral of breaking down in my marriage? That’s the only thing that matters. That’s why Paul and I don’t give advice, by the way, and we’re gonna talk about it.

Stacey:             09:14 I think we’ve talked about advice and other bad guests. We don’t give advice at all. Can’t tell anybody what they should do. Nobody on this planet has the right to tell you what you should do in your life. It is your life. This is your only go round. Nobody else has your exact situation, your blueprint, your journey, your purpose. You’re the only one who could make that decision. All we do is show you the predictable patterns. These are the patterns that build up the relationship. These are the patterns that break it down. What you do with that, that’s entirely your decision and it’s a decision that everybody needs to make.

Paul:               09:52 You know, it’s really important to hear, to just point this out again too, cause it can get lost and feel like for this friend really misled this other friend, right? And that’s not the case and you know it and you’ve been that person too. I’m willing to bet, right? Best of intentions really loved her friend and from her good intentions and her good heart was trying to protect her friend, gave her incredibly bad advice that she would have accepted from a friend because she’s like, my friend loves me. She’s looking out for me. I’m in it right now. I can’t see this clearly, clearly. So let me just take this friend’s advice cause I know they care about me and then act upon it with some really detrimental outcome. So again, they’re just looking out for you. They just don’t know how to fix it themselves.

Paul:               10:31 So you have to be very clear about who you’re listening to. But I just wanted to show that, you know, we show up in relationship all the time with our partner, with our friends, with our kids, with the best of intentions. But if you’re not aware of the dynamics that are going on, and that’s what Stacey and I always do is peel back the layers on those dynamics. You can see them if you don’t see them, they impact your life in a negative way. And then we find ourselves wondering why things are so tough or why they went so wrong.

Stacey:             10:57 Remember, it’s not about intention, right? Just like Paul said, well-intentioned. They’re just looking out for you. In fact, your friends, your family, they just want to protect you actually, and they’ve run to the end of their skillset. They run to the end of their skill set. That’s all it is. First of all, you ran to the end of your skillset. That’s why you’re out there talking about your problem and asking a friend for advice. And then when someone runs to the end of their skill set, that’s when you hear their blueprint, their skillset. She’s like, Oh, he hurt your feelings. He’s a bully. You need to work on your confidence. You need to stand up to him. You need to challenge him. That’s her blueprint. That’s her skillset. How’s her relationship? You gotta be so careful who you listen to. It’s super important. If you’re listening to us today, the biggest takeaway I want you to get from this is to start learning how to, when someone has run to the end of their skillset and that first someone to look at is yourself. When you run to the end of your skillset, when someone else runs to the end of the skillset, be Oh so careful who you’re listening to at that moment.

Paul:               12:08 And another thing I’d say to this to that just help you with this is if you’re not quite clear, but you find yourself feeling like it’s a reaction, whether you’re having a reaction or someone’s telling you to do something as a reaction or defensive or defensiveness. I’m just telling me that red flag, you’re already are on the wrong path. Reactions rarely are the right ones, right? It’s kind of like they used to say, don’t send an email in an angry, and all these different things we do when we’re in a reactionary or a defensive mode, don’t typically come with the wisdom that’s needed to elevate the situation from where it was or where it is to something higher is just at best. Staying at that same lower level.

Stacey:             12:48 And if you’re thinking to yourself, okay, well then how do I know what’s bad advice? How do I know when my friend is? Maybe I should have listened to them, maybe I shouldn’t. How do I know? Look at their results when it comes to relationship, there’s only one question you need to ask. How many marriages have you saved? Like we’ve saved thousands like we’ve impacted thousands. We have a 1% divorce rate in our RelationshipYou Program like so how many have you saved or are you struggling in your own? So it’s interesting. Sometimes somebody who’s struggling in their own relationship and comes through our program will start to challenge me because it’s uncomfortable for them and they don’t want to do, you know, they don’t want to take the methodology or implement it. And I’ll say, you know, think to myself, that’s your choice. That’s totally your choice.

Stacey:             13:39 And someone starts telling me how we should do it differently, but that’s not, you shouldn’t do that in dah, dah, dah. I’m like, well, you know, I don’t know. Our methodology has saved a lot of marriages and you’re struggling to save your own. So when your friend comes to you with advice like that and she’s like, stand up to him, he’s being a bully, think to yourself, I don’t know how many marriages have you saved? I think you’re struggling to save your own. Do I really want to take that advice like the person who has $20 in their bank account, who’s giving you information on how you should invest your money? Do you really want to take that advice versus the person who’s already helped many, many, many, many, many people expand their wealth and they’ve are processed for it and it’s proven and they have huge results and people are thriving from it. That’s the person you want to be your mentor, so be so careful who you’re taking advice from.

Paul:               14:34 If you go back to, I believe it was the last podcast where we talked about going deep to, if anything, ask yourself, is that a person who’s gone deep in this area? And at minimum at least I hadn’t gotten results and gotten results, but at least they’re ahead of you. Right? And that’s really, there are so many ways to start looking at that, but be real. Oh, so careful about who you listen to. All right, so we need some steps. Let’s get some out there. So what can you start doing now? I like to emphasize now because as you heard in the previous podcast as well too, it’s what you implement that will make a change in your life. So what can you start doing now? One, stop. Stop asking someone for advice, whether they’re not the best expert in what you need them to help you with, right?

Paul:               15:15 Just stop. Take personal responsibility for your part in triggering them to give you advice, and bringing it up, or complaining, or asking them in the first place, cause you’re triggering them to give you this advice. Number two, notice. Notice how often you are using talking about your problems with others as a way to connect, or gain sympathy, or get them on your side so you hear some validation. Whatever else you have to be using for that, notice how often you may reach for that. And number three; up level. When it comes to a challenge that you’re having, up-level who you talk about that challenge with. Find the best of the best. Find the person who actually has solved this. If you don’t know that person, and most of us don’t just happen to be friends with that expert, then seek them out, join their program, join their group, get connected with them, so that you can get the wisdom of someone who’s gone deep, someone who is the expert, someone who actually has real value to offer you.

Stacey:             16:11 Two of our good friends, Brad and Ryan of CashflowTactics.com always say, invest in three things. Invest in your mindset, your skillset, and your network. Who you surround yourself with. Be super intentional about this. If you have an area of your life where you want solutions, you want the next level, you want growth, stop looking to your friends and family for this. Stop talking to your friends and family about this. Invest in your mindset. Invest in your skillset and invest in your network. That’s how you’ll grow. Hey, if you love the Relationship Transformer podcast, please share it with someone who needs to hear it. Take a screenshot of your phone and share it, and until next time, remember together we are changing the way relationship is done.

Outro:              16:59 Hey, would you like to get big results in your relationships in just 10 seconds a day? If so, then subscribe to our daily inspiration for relationship transformers or the D.I.R.T at www.MartinoPodcast.com/DIRT.

In this episode, Paul and Stacey will talk about how learning more actually moves people backward in their relationships.

In this episode, Paul and Stacey will share with you one of the biggest reasons why nothing changes for you.

In this episode, Paul and Stacey will share a clip of themselves teaching one of the most powerful tools LIVE during Relationship Breakthrough Retreat 2019. The session was all about the importance of recognizing and seizing opportunities whenever they present themselves to us.

We’ll share all about how the societal pressure to live in balance is making you miserable and creating crap results in this episode!

In this episode, Paul and Stacey will share a clip from the Relationship Breakthrough Retreat during the live Q&A segment. A woman got up to ask a question about what she can do when her spouse tells their kids something that she absolutely does not agree with.

In this episode, Paul and Stacey will share a clip of themselves teaching live at their recent RBR 2019 event.

In this episode, Paul and Stacey will share their experience moving from Pennsylvania to Idaho. They’ll talk about how hectic it was to pack up and move across the country, and the numerous challenges that it presented for their business and personal lives.  

What’s The Episode About:

In this episode, Paul and Stacey will talk all about the just concluded Relationship Breakthrough Retreat 2019. They will talk about what their favorite moments were, what the challenges were, how things went behind the scenes, and most importantly, the breakthroughs that different attendees experienced. 

Listen in to get that behind the scenes look at this life-changing event, get a feel of what it would have been like to attend, and get some tools you can use to build better relationships in your life. 

Key Points Discussed: 

• The best delivery and breakthroughs at the RBR 2019 (01:00)
• Delivering to the audience dynamically (03:07)
• The five-step forgiveness process (05:06)
• The four minute mile: From Can I? to How can I? (10:07)
• The best event team in the world (15:10)
• The breakthroughs that people share (18:16)
• Walking in one way and walking out another (25:02)

Where Can I Learn More:

Have you signed up for The D.I.R.T. ?! http://bit.ly/2KlobXZ

When Did It Air:

August 22, 2019

Episode Transcript:

Disclaimer:  The Transcript Is Auto-Generated And May Contain Spelling And Grammar Errors Paul:               

Paul:               00:00 Hey Relationship Transformers, welcome to the Relationship Transformer Podcast. Today, Stacey and I are going to share our story of this year’s relationship breakthrough retreat live event. What our favorite moments were, what the challenges were, how things went behind the scenes, and most importantly, the breakthroughs that people attending this event had. So whether you were at this year’s RBR, or you missed it, this podcast is going to give you that behind the scenes look at this life changing event. So let’s queue up the intro and dive in.

Intro:              00:31 So the big question is this; How is it possible that one person alone can transform any relationship, save their marriage, create their unshakeable love, and unleash passion, divorce-proof their family, without needing their partner to get on board and do this with them, and yet still get to be happily, authentically you without compromise. That is the question and this podcast will give you the answer.

Stacey:             01:00 Alright. So we have literally just come off of delivering Relationship Breakthrough Retreat 2019. It was amazing, like literally, this is the sixth year that we’ve done RBR, and it was the best one ever. Like the best delivery, the best breakthroughs…

Paul:               01:17 Totally.

Stacey:             01:17 The highest level of fun. Like, it was just, I mean, obviously we’ve… you know, gotten a little better doing it every single year, and it’s always amazing, and the breakthroughs are always incredible, but this year was even to a next level. Even our students who were there that, like have been to three, four, five, six RBRs, all said like, this one was just a whole other level, was out of the park. And the level of breakthroughs that our students got were just unbelievable. Like that’s why it’s called Relationship Breakthrough Retreat, because it’s really about getting a total breakthrough to the next level in your relationship in just three days.

Stacey:             01:55 Like in just three days. Think about, like today, in the last three days, have you gotten a total breakthrough in your relationship to the next level? Probably not, you know, so that’s why people keep coming to Relationship Breakthrough Retreat every single year, year after year, because who doesn’t want to break through to the next level in their relationship, whether you’re saving a marriage, bringing passion back to a marriage, divorce proofing a great marriage and taking it to the next level, transforming your parenting, your work relationships, whatever it is, it’s about taking those relationships to the next level, taking yourself to the next level, because it really is, it’s transformative. So what were some of the awesome things about Relationship Breakthrough Retreat? Let’s start there. Like, let’s go behind the scenes. What were some of your favorite things?

Paul:               02:40 Well, some of my favorite things were, first of all, the crowd was amazing, you know, the… the people that come out to Relationship Breakthrough Retreat are totally awesome people. You can feel it when you’re in that group. We feel it from the stage. The interactivity with that group was amazing. So, honestly, I loved the audience, first of all, it was one of my favorites things.

Stacey:             02:56 Yes. Relationship transformers, you rock.

Paul:               02:58 Yeah. So the other thing too is, we won’t normally, you know, sort of pat ourselves on the back, but I will say that, you know…

Stacey:             03:06 Go ahead Paul. Pat us on the back.

Paul:               03:07 For anyone who sort of had to deliver in front of a crowd, do you know when it… when you’ve done it well, in the way that you wanted to, where you delivered for them in the way you were expected to deliver. And I will just say that, you know, having done this so many times now, that I feel like, first of all, you and I, how we interact, how we go back and forth, we just dynamically deliver. Stacey and I don’t need to be tied down to any structure on a regular basis. We can interact back and forth, and just deliver what the message was that we wanted, with the best of both of us. And I think that, this year, our interactivity between the both of us really was….

Stacey:             03:37 People kept commenting on that too though. It wasn’t just that we felt it right. It’s like even our team, our students were commenting on how, because that’s one of the greatest benefits by the way of coming to a live event with me. And Paul is sure you’re getting tools, you’re getting solutions, you’re also getting to see it live.

Paul:               03:56 Exactly.

Stacey:             03:57 Cause he’s my husband, I’m his wife, he’s a dude. I’m a girl. So you’re getting to actually see, see us live relationship development with each other up on stage, delivering 15 hours a day, three days in a row, not a lot of sleep. And we’re laughing and we’re gracious with each other and we’re supporting each other and we’re loving each other. Like you get to actually see it and experience it. And yeah, it was at a whole other level this year. I love that.

Paul:               04:25 Yeah. So I love that aspect. And truthfully, you know, we, again, we’ve done it so much that it seemed to be received by this amazing audience in the same way we had intended it to. We’ve done it so many times that we’re very clear about how to get that message through, how to get the breakthroughs that people need as part of that session, the way we intended it. And it seemed like everything was just hitting the sweet spot in the mark. So it resonated back the same way that we know we intended to deliver it. So from a personal level we feel like we hit the stride that we were looking to hit with them to give them those breakthroughs and it just meshed up perfectly. So I really enjoyed, you know, just how on target everything was and the kinds of breakthroughs people were getting on that event.

Stacey:             05:06 Yeah, it was incredible. I will say that one of my favorite moments, I’m trying to go back to like day one, day two, day three on day one. I think one of my favorite moments was the process that you took everybody through on night one through our forgiveness process. If you’ve never been through our five-step forgiveness process, Paul and I created this unique five time forgiveness process long, long time ago. It’s part of our eight step system for transforming any relationship and it’s totally different. It’s unlike anything else that’s ever been done. And actually that’s probably why it’s extremely effective. We’ve been using this process for years to help people release themselves, free themselves from things that they haven’t been able to forgive themselves and others about like could be something that they’ve been holding onto for 2030 years and be able to just release and be free.

Stacey:             05:53 And when you do that process with us, live in the and an immersion experience, you actually get the experience of really seeing it like in your nervous system, in your blueprint and in your body. And it’s just so powerful. It’s so freeing and so empowering and Paul is a huge part of taking our students through that process and watching you do that and seeing them have this unbelievable freedom that they did not walk in the door with that morning. To me, that’s just life changing. It always brings me to the most humble, grateful place of just being so grateful that we get to actually do that service for people.

Paul:               06:35 Yeah, I will say that I agree. Like I love that segment. Whenever we do that, I just love, you know, the outcome. I love seeing the transformations. So that is always a favorite of mine too. And I’d also say just for those, because we’re telling people what RBR is about, we’re trying to give them the behind the scenes look. Also want to point out that that is exactly one of the primary reasons why we do this live event is because we’re able to give people actual experiences. It’s not just like learning and cognitive. Yeah. This is just one example of the kinds of experiences that allow us to deliver something for everyone to give them a transformation on the spot. So in the moment, and that’s a perfect example of one of those times. So

Stacey:             07:10 yeah. Awesome. J one at RBR is clarity and freedom day and I think that just really like kept it off even though the breakthroughs all day long were crazy. Whether it was teaching them actually how to build trust. Like how do we build trust? It seems like one of like the eighth wonders of the world. Right? But we actually have a proven process for it and we went through that process on day one. Like there’s so many different things we did. Um, but to me day one, that was one of my favorite moments day to is masculine and Feminine Day. One of our favorite favorite days. And I would say on day two, one of my favorite moments, well I love the yellow brick road when we do the yellow brick road with our students and they share their inspirational stories. That to me is a game changer.

Stacey:             07:56 You know, I don’t know if you’ve ever heard this, the like four minute mile story guys ever heard that. Or like Roger Bannister was the first man to ever break the four minute mile before he had done that. No one had ever broken a four minute mile. And then once he did it, like the following year, I don’t know how many people, but like more than a dozen people also ran a four minute mile and broke his record. See, once you see that someone else has done it, it changes something in your belief system. Like before he had done that, people dreamed of it. People wondered if it was possible. Maybe some people even hoped that they would do it one day, but once he did it, all of those dreamings, all of those wondering, all of that possibility became, oh, it’s not just possible. It’s been done now are you going to do it?

Stacey:             08:44 And that’s what we do for people with our yellow brick road process where some of our students who’ve been through our relationship u program shared their stories of where they and where they are now. Like life changing stuff from like I was planning my escape with my kids while he was at work too. We are unshakable and I had no idea love could be like this. You know those kinds of stories take people from, I hope, I wonder is it possible to, oh no, it’s been done. It’s a proven process or do you want to do it? And there’s something about that level of belief that certainty that people get when they hear those stories. You can see it on their faces. That’s why I love what we do. I love relationship development because it’s not about hope. It’s not about wonders, not about possibility.

Stacey:             09:36 It’s proven. It’s been done. We have a 1% divorce rate in our relationship. You program, our students are lining up by the hundreds to share their stories and share their results because it’s been done and when you know that it’s like, oh, it has been done. I don’t have to hope now I just have to decide am I next? So I think that was one of my highlights, although we did tons of masculine, feminine south on that day. It really, really good tools and experiences since we did yellow brick road on the day. I think that was one of my favorites.

Paul:               10:07 Yeah, I wholeheartedly agree. And it’s such a powerful dynamic because you know that whole four minute mile, if you think about it right off the bat, some people are sitting there thinking, can I or is it possible as opposed to how can I, because somebody else already has. Yes. If you do that in any area of your life, you’ll start to already have different results because your mind is already in the right solution, right? You’re looking to support the solution. Like I know I can. How do I do that? So that is a powerful moment. I always love those yellow brick road moments as well to those segments. And

Stacey:             10:39 you know, it’s amazing. We get, obviously we get loads and loads of emails and comments and people reaching out to us every single day of every single week and the huge percentage of, oh my gosh, I love what you guys are doing, but I don’t know if that’ll work for me because of whatever is, it’s unbelievable. The number of emails and, and stories we received like that. People who were like, oh, I don’t know if that’ll work for me because I don’t know if it’s even possible for me because, and then when you see student after student after student, whether it’s getting over in a fair or a medical challenge or financial crisis or this with that, or not living together or you know, blended families and xs and all of these different, whatever it is. And I’ve maybe, I didn’t even name your particular family challenge, but we’ve pretty much run the gamut of all of them.

Stacey:             11:35 Whether it’s abuse in your past or a medical challenges now where a kid with special needs or all of the different things that we have to navigate as families. Like we’ve done that, we’ve solved those. As far as relationship solutions go, there’s really nothing we haven’t solved. So just so you know, like that’s why I love these four minute miles because then people are like, oh wow, like if that worked for them, like I’m not sitting here planning my escape while he was at work. Like it’s not like that. So clearly if that worked for her it will work for me. Like this kind of stuff just to me is so empowering. Also when you hear everybody else’s stories, as one of our students was quoted for saying years ago, you figure out really quickly that we all have the same crap. We all have the same crap.

Stacey:             12:25 There’s all kinds of stuff going on in everybody’s households and it’s not until we all come together in a safe space where people completely trust in the process of getting these solutions. Do you realize that, okay, like there are loads of people who are, have been navigating this thing with their kid. There are loads of people who are navigating this thing with their spouse. There are loads of people who are navigating this family of origin or this work drama or this or that. Like we all have the same crap and it’s empowering to know it’s not just you, it’s not just your partners, not just your kids. It’s families and there are solutions for it. So that part really speaks to me.

Paul:               13:01 What were one of the surprises of the event for you?

Stacey:             13:03 Oh my gosh. One of the surprises of the event, I would say, well, I’m going to say behind the scenes surprise because you know, obviously you can imagine there’s a lot that goes into producing this event. You know, our team works on this actually a whole year. They started working on RBR 2020 while we were at RBR 2019. Um, our whole team goes all in to deliver this event at a level that’s just beyond, beyond and they always do such an amazing job. But to me, one of the beautiful surprises of this event that I didn’t really know what was going to happen was from our ru leadership team, we have our leaders from our U, they volunteer to contribute their time to serve our communities because they’ve gotten so much life changing results from relationship you that they step up to contribute. And one of the ways that they contribute is by serving at our live events to serve all of our attendees, to take great care of them, to make sure that they’re having the best possible events, attend to all the things and and participate on the event team and all that.

Stacey:             14:07 And our, are you leadership team? They’re also the same people by the way, supporting you and the relationship transformer Facebook group and answering your questions and giving you the guidance and sharing those insights because they’ve journeyed this for like one, two, three, four, five, six years of relationship development and different levels of mastery. And so they’re the ones that show up every day in our Facebook groups and support people and they also show up at our live event and maybe some of them have touched your life already, right? If you’ve posted questions and stuff like that. And our relationship transformer Facebook group, the ru leadership are the ones who are there stepping up to serve you. And they’re with me in there every single day and they showed up at our event. They always do and they do an amazing job. But this year man, all my gosh, the ru was like on fire this year at the event they took the whole thing to the next level from there, energy of celebration and humor and passion to their service, to caring for every attendee, making sure everything went smoothly, like the ru leadership super stepped up at this event.

Stacey:             15:10 And just took the entire event experience to a whole other level, not just for us, but for the attendees too. People keep saying, I was like, oh my gosh, your event team is unbelievable. Like these are the greatest people I’m having the best time. And I just want to say, are you leadership? You Rock, you did an amazing job. That was one of the surprises of the event. Yeah. For me that I really, really love.

Paul:               15:33 Yeah, I agree wholeheartedly. They were amazing. And then at the same time we also get those unpleasant surprises, you know, we call them the Kerfuffles so I can think of one. You know, there’s always something that goes wrong, but I will say that I’m grateful for the things that went wrong this year. You know, in past years we’ve had kerfuffles which meant the hotel air conditioning broke and so there’s a lot warmer in there than we wanted.

Stacey:             15:56 Yeah. That was the last, not this year, but two years ago and last year the hotel air conditioning broke while we were in the event. And Wu, you don’t like a warm event room. We got it fixed, like they brought everything in and got it fixed. But yeah, we didn’t have that this year. So grateful for no braking.

Paul:               16:13 Yeah. You know, the kind of Kerfuffles we had this year were, you know, we did this new thing where we just started working out. It’s an experiential as part of the event. And we were stacking these bricks right on stage, not real bricks. Boy.

Stacey:             16:28 You know how you build the paper bricks with your kids, the ones you get a box and you fold them cardboard blocks and you make like bricks. We were using bricks like that on stage and we were building [inaudible]

Paul:               16:39 stack them up. And for those of you who haven’t been on one of those stages, there are individual segments. And as it turns out, if you stepped on the one segment on this one, like a little bit of the other side lifts up. So here we’re stacking up this wall across several segments of the stage and any walking causes instability. So as we’re doing it, as I’m speaking, parts of the wall were falling down perfectly for being a brick wall experiential. To a big giant game of Jenga and a lot of laughter from the audience, which we, you know, which happens and it’s perfect cause you know, we don’t have to be perfect here. It was a concept that was going through and everybody had a good time with it. You know, when things go wrong, you know, it’s one of the things we teach. You don’t have to get all out of whack about it or if you’re like, oh that had to be perfect. No, it’s real life. Right. So anyway, it was one of those funny kerfuffles that came up during the event that I actually enjoyed.

Stacey:             17:26 Awesome. So one thing that I wanted to share today too, as part of this podcast is every year when we do this event on the last day, Poland, I send an email out to every single attendee. It’s called the we love you email them. It’s basically saying, oh my gosh, you plead fill out, you did it. We’re celebrating you and we love you. We love you for being the hero for your family, for stepping up and saying, yes, you are one of the few who did versus the many who talk. You were there, you transformed yourself and your family’s legacy is forever change the trajectory of your family because you were at relationship breakthrough retreat on behalf of your children and your children’s children. I am thanking you for making this world a better place by being, they’re like, we love you. And hit reply and tell us what was your biggest takeaway from the event?

Stacey:             18:16 Because we’d love to hear from you. And one of my favorite things to do after this event is to sit and read all of the emails that come back. My team compiles them and Paul and I read every single one. Man. It’s always like, it’s just an elated moment. I have tears of joy and impact and laughter a lot of the Times too. And I never actually shared any of the breakthroughs that people share, their takeaways, the greatest takeaway that they got. And that was the question. So we wanted to share a few of those with you because that’s really like just to experience the power of it and what’s possible. So I’ll read a couple of these. This one is from Shawna and she said, when my friend Theresa told me she was doing this program, I was already fascinated about how much her language had changed.

Stacey:             19:06 She talked a little about demand relationship, but I was a little confused until you and Paul laid it all out. I know for sure I’m in a demand relationship and really blown away to realize how much I have contributed to it by either pleasing my man or flipping my switch and taking on the power role. I also realized how much, I’m not approaching my husband with feminine energy, but rather using words like unacceptable and that’s not how we treat each other. I’m really looking forward to trying out some new skills. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Your program is magnificent. Oh, we’re psyched for you Shauna. You are so welcome. See if we share another one. All right, awesome. This one says, you’ve invited me into a higher elevation of seeing and living in this world. I’ve regained hope for myself and for humanity. Just thinking about the possibilities of your vision for this movement being realized.

Stacey:             20:02 That’s awesome. Awesome, and this one from Nadia. My biggest takeaway is that a lot of people are in the same situation and that it can be turned around by just one person doing the work with the support of this tribe, the tools you presented, video clips and just watching the two of you interact on stage has put confidence in me that I can do this for my family and I have the tools and support necessary to make my relationships the best they can be. That’s awesome. Awesome. Oh, I love this one. This one’s from Dennis. He said, I observe a lot and watching you and Paul together and apart watching the other people you had already affected and were newly teaching, hearing your message, it eventually reached me. I’ve been following my path of growth always for my family. They are everything to me and they are my purpose.

Stacey:             20:53 I want to leave a complete legacy for them. I want to help others. I got so focused on growing my business and wanted more of that and self-growth from a business centric perspective, I realized you guys could offer me a path from a family and people centric perspective. So I did it. I committed my growth to your methods. I can relate to both of you and admire you both in different ways. I don’t want to be the nice guy. It’s not who I am. I want to be the good guy. I want to be nice, but not the nice guy. As Paul says, Paul reached me with words like honor and integrity. Last words. In this day and age, I may be rough or intense or whatever else they say, but honor and integrity are the first two bricks in my foundation, Paul, and you reflected those values, wore them proud and spoke them loud. I read your faces as you watched the videos, demonstrating your values while others watch the videos. I watched your faces. Ultimately what I saw in your faces sold me more than most anything else. Oh, and you also made me laugh, so I figured, what the hell I’m going to jump all in.

Stacey:             22:08 I love that. I love that too. This one’s from Andrea. She said there were so many takeaways from me. I realized I haven’t been all in my whole life. I realized I had been judging my husband for his differences because I didn’t understand them. Anyone relate to that? I realized that I do have the power to change our relationship and I realized that changing myself will change my life and those around me for the better. That’s awesome. Awesome. Janine wrote in and she said, dear Stacy and Paul, thank you so much for an amazing, informative three days. It was such a gift to me and my husband. I’m so happy that I opened that email from Chris work and it was perfect timing too. My biggest takeaway from the treat was to stop pleasing and compromising to operate from my heart and not fear to remove blame and take personal responsibility even if it’s not my fault, and to remove triggers and raise my resistance set point.

Stacey:             23:05 It was so wonderful to witness your great love and respect for one another as well as your commitment and your team’s commitment to helping others with your mission. I’m excited to begin a new with much love and fangs. Oh, I love it. I love it. They go on and on and on. Stephanie wrote in, she said, my biggest takeaway for me was to stay out of accidental alignment and get those systems in place. Thanks to both you and Paul for an amazing RBR. I feel shifted, renewed and on fire for the changes to come. Um, these go on and on and on. Lakshmi wrote in, Hi Stacy and Paul. I’m not sure how you both do this, but the last three days were the second best days of my life, only next to my honeymoon. My biggest takeaway was you need an alignment first in every relationship and scarcity of time is an illusion.

Stacey:             23:56 I walked in thinking my relationship is hanging by a thread only to realize as I shifted, I am only just in a passion, less relationship and I have time to fix it myself. Everything that Paul mentioned about mature, masculine serving and purpose. My husband shows up in that energy every day and I have somehow failed to see all of that. Clearly my protective fake masculine wasn’t helping me either. Overall, I’m back home with three major realizations. One, my husband is mature masculine too. My husband is in my left hand and three, I need an alignment on household processes so I don’t get triggered all day long and p s I have a list of brick conversations ready to go so I’m ready to get the first one done. Thank you. Thank you. Love you both. And these go on and on. I’ve got stacks and stacks of them. I just love these results.

Paul:               24:46 Me too. I mean that’s what we do at forest is just so people can have that transformation in their life, own it and just, you know, shortcut what would have been years and years and years of unnecessary suffering into the trajectory of transforming that relationship. So love it.

Stacey:             25:02 Every single person that attended that event, as Paula wee says, walked in one way and walked out another, transformed, not like learned a ton of stuff and now I have to go apply it, walked in one way and walked out another for themselves, their spouse, their family, like every relationship will be transformed. And that is just, that’s what we’re here for. That’s the mission of relationship development. That’s why we do what we do.

Paul:               25:27 Yup. All right. So at this point we always want to close with something, right? You want to take some kind of an action. So the action steps for today is what can you start doing now? Well, I think you might want to get on that wait list for the RBR too when he 20 and you can do [email protected] and on the next episode, Stacy and I are going to walk you through some of the craziest weeks of our lives. Now I’ll just say we do crazy stuff. Um, and we move at the speed of light, uh, often. And you know those around us know like it’s hard to keep up at times. So you know, this next podcast is going to be informative and you’ll learn some things from it. But it’s about our move to Idaho just days after the RBR live event. We’re going to walk you through some of our journey is a little bit crazy at times and share the good, the bad and the ugly about the move.

Paul:               26:17 And the interesting thing that our movers and packers and organizers said about our family and the learning lessons around this, because you know, like everything in life, there’s so much that could be learned or not learned and result in some negative outcomes. So by sharing some of our story, we want to help some people using our own life, which is what we typically do so that you don’t have to incur the same challenges and learn from us, but also get the real gift that life had intended from any experiences that seem challenging or you know, like we say the good, the bad and the ugly about the move. Like there’s reasons for those things. So you want to tune in and get those gifts about our journey. It’s not just us talking about our move as if we love our move. You know, we’re here for you. It’s not about us. So definitely you want to tune into that one and get the guests for yourself. Yeah.

Stacey:             27:05 Awesome. If you love the relationship transformer podcast, take a screenshot of your phone, share it, and get it out there for the other families who need to hear it too. Until next time, remember together we are changing the way relationship is done.

Outro:              27:24 Okay. Are you ready to catapult your relationship forward to the next level in just three days, surrounded by relationship transformers on the journey with you? Then go grab your live event tickets at RelationshipBreakthroughRetreat.com, and we will see you.

In this episode, Paul and Stacey will answer a question about what to do when one’s kid wants to quit something and how to address it.

In this episode, Paul and Stacey will be tackling the question of how to handle your kid when he or she triggers you. This is something that happens to every parent, and the biggest reason why parents can’t seem to find a solution to that problem is that they think that “fixing the kid” is the key, but it’s not.