Podcast: Relationship Transformers Podcast

31: It’s Not Fair

In this episode, Paul and Stacey will talk about a very powerful dynamic that keeps so many people stuck and miserable.

31: It’s Not Fair

Relationship Transformers Podcast
Relationship Transformers Podcast
31: It's Not Fair
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30: Your Plant Is Dead

In this episode, Paul and Stacey will talk about the biggest mistake people make with their relationship development method, mainly from misinterpreting it to mean that they should put up with things or just let things go.

30: Your Plant Is Dead

Relationship Transformers Podcast
Relationship Transformers Podcast
30: Your Plant Is Dead
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29: Breaking The Chains Of Demand Parenting

In this episode, Paul and Stacey will share some behind the scenes content from their recent relationship development parenting live event day and specifically focus on sharing one major nugget that we can all implement immediately in our parenting.

29: Breaking The Chains Of Demand Parenting

Relationship Transformers Podcast
Relationship Transformers Podcast
29: Breaking The Chains Of Demand Parenting
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27: 10 Year Look Back

In this episode, Paul and Stacey will share the story of where they were 10 years ago when they lost everything and had to start over. It all started when they lost their consulting business and started experiencing financial difficulties that pushed them to get jobs.

27: 10 Year Look Back

Relationship Transformers Podcast
Relationship Transformers Podcast
27: 10 Year Look Back
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26: Your FRIEND is F’ing Up Your Life!

What’s The Episode About:

In this episode, Paul and Stacey will talk about the well-meaning people in our lives who have the best intentions for us, and how they might be negatively affecting our lives. Advice is something that we all get every day, from every body, even when we’ve really not asked for it.

That’s because the people in our lives always have an opinion about everything, and Paul and Stacey will teach us how to see that dynamic and navigate it in a way that doesn’t negatively impact us individually, and doesn’t destroy the relationship with them either. Enjoy!

Key Points Discussed: 

  • How the masculine responds to a woman who goes into her masculine (02:15)
  • Nobody has the right to tell you what you should do in your life (09:14)
  • Being clear about who you’re listening to (10:31)
  • Taking personal responsibility for triggering friends to give us advice (15:15)
  • Growing by investing in your mindset, your skillset, and your network (16:11)

 

Where Can I Learn More:

When Did It Air:

October 17, 2019

Episode Transcript:

Disclaimer:  The Transcript Is Auto-Generated And May Contain Spelling And Grammar Errors  

 

Paul:               00:00 Hey relationship transformers. Welcome to the Relationship Transformer podcast. Today, Stacey and I are going to talk about the well-meaning people around you who have the best of intentions for you. And, you may not even realize how much they are effing up your life. Advice. Right? It comes at us from all sides. Everyone has an opinion about everything. Right? What we’re going to talk about today, is how you can see this dynamic, and how you can navigate it in a way that doesn’t negatively impact you, and doesn’t destroy the relationship with them either. And remember, if you know someone who needs to hear this podcast today, be sure to share it with them, but in the meantime, let’s queue up the intro and dive in.

 

Intro:              00:43 So the big question is this, how is it possible that one person alone can transform any relationship, save their marriage, great their unshakeable love and unleash passion, divorce, proof their family without needing their partner to get on board and do this with them and yet still get to be happily, authentically you without compromise. That is the question and this podcast will give you the answer

 

Stacey:             01:14 Alright. So, in one of the most recent podcasts, I shared a story about one of our students who came to the Q&A call talking about how her husband hurt her feelings. You remember this podcast? It was, I think just two podcasts ago. One of our students said, you know, her husband had said to her, “Oh, I’m gonna reach out to our daughter who’s better with computers. And, her feelings were hurt, and she’s like, telling him how he’s being insensitive, and if he could just change a little bit. What I didn’t share about that story, was that when she came to the call with me and Paul, she shared, and you know, I talked to my friend about this, and I knew as soon as she said that, I’m like, “Alright, here we go.” She’s like, “I talked to my girlfriend about this, who, you know, told me that she thinks that my husband is a bully, and that I should learn to be tougher with him and stand up to him. That I don’t have enough confidence, and that he’s steamrolling me, or he’s bullying me. And that that’s where I should focus.”

 

Stacey:             02:15 And the student said, “What to you think? Now, of course, my first words were… what I think is I don’t really give a crap what your friend says. How many marriages has your friend saved? But the truth is, I want you to just take this into perspective for just a minute. Like, put your relationship transformer lenses on. Her friend is telling her that her husband is a bully, and she should learn to have more confidence, and be tougher, and stand up to him. I’m going to ask you the question. What is her friend really telling her to do? Think about it. You know what the answer is? She’s telling her to man up. She’s telling her to go into her masculine. She’s telling her to protect herself, weapons up, and fight. Now, I know a little something about relationships. I know Paul knows a little something about relationships. So my question is, how does the masculine respond to a woman who goes into her masculine, puts up her weapons, and fights? Paul?

 

Paul:               03:14 Well, let’s start off by demonstrating the fact that her husband is a very masculine man. And, her friends’ advice is to tell her to become fake masculine, to confront real masculine. And, I can tell you that real masculine doesn’t take confrontation from other masculine very well. We don’t like it, but we’re very happy to be there. You know why? We’re already there. We’re comfortable there. Conflict is something that would definitely come out of this. Resolution wouldn’t be the outcome of this, but if you want to start a fight, if you want to create a challenging environment where your man is now going to bring some anger, or some hostility, or definitely meet you where you’re bringing the energy to him from, that’s what you’re going to find on the other side of that equation. Suiting up, manning up, and bringing in that kind of confrontation to her husband, would have definitely led to a confrontation with her husband hostility and he could stay there all day long because he’s already there. He’s a masculine man. So as suiting up with the fake masculine was certainly not the right answer there.

 

Stacey:             04:12 See the masculine doesn’t really respond well. Authentic masculine does not respond well to when us as feminine go into our masculine. Now if you don’t really have a depth of understanding the difference between the masculine and the feminine, we’ve done other podcasts on this and you can actually go into our 14-Day Boost Program and get the upgrade to the passion boost program in there. Cause we give some powerful training on the difference between the masculine and the feminine dynamic in there. But you know, that’s just a fact. When masculine comes up against masculine, it’s a massive trigger for the masculine. When us as feminine, we go into masculine protection. Now here’s the thing, I’m also gonna tell you that in doesn’t matter. Masculine, feminine, bunny snake, I don’t care what it is. If you show up to somebody’s weapons up, ready for a fight, excuse me.

 

Stacey:             05:06 How is that turning into a magical love relationship on any planet? Right? But that’s what we’ve all been conditioned to do, right? One of our students was just saying the other day like, you know what I’m realizing as I’m doing this feminine masculine work is that my whole life, the only things I’ve ever been rewarded for, we’re going into my masculine. Oh, you’re so strong. Oh, you’re so independent. Oh, you’re so accomplished. Oh, you’re so tough. She’s like, I’m never ever rewarded growing up for being in my feminine. Hey, good for you. Being open way to stay open and show vulnerability and be there for people and be nurturing and be compassionate. Like the feminine was not very rewarded. Right. For all of us, we’ve been conditioned this way. And so it’s only natural to, by the way, be in the world of people who are stuck in demand relationship.

 

Stacey:             05:54 And for someone to tell you, Hey, don’t you know, take that sitting down. He’s being a bully. He’s actually not being a bully or her friend has no understanding of the masculine. He’s a masculine man and he’s stating a fact and asking him to soften up and be more nurturing is asking him to be feminine, which by the way, the student is very lucky that her husband is not feminine, that he’s authentic masculine and he’s strong and doesn’t need to be any different than that. So what’s interesting here is when the student came to the Q and a call, she said, you know, this friend is the seventh power friend of mine. And so we teach seventh power comes from Tony Robbins world seven powers like your tribe, like the people that you grow with, the people that are on the personal development journey with you.

 

Stacey:             06:40 And so the student was saying, right, like on a peer level, this is the seventh power of friend that I can talk growth with. Like I can have these conversations with them, but they’re not a relationship. Seventh power friend there is the difference. Okay. I’m saying this to all of you cause some of us have people in our seven power, we have a tribe. Like we have an entrepreneur tribe. We have seven power friends and health, right? Or in fitness or in wealth. Having a relationship, seventh power is a whole different thing because I can go into all of my tribes, entrepreneur, health, wealth, all of them. And when it comes to relationships, they’re still stuck in demand relationship only in relationship development. Can you have a relationship, seventh power tribe who’s going to be there for you at the relationship development level, right?

 

Stacey:             07:31 As this student had just called up her accountability buddy in our program and said, Hey, this is what happened. This was the kerfuffle. It really hurt my feelings. I promise you that another student and relationship development would not have said, Oh my gosh, he’s being such a bully. Right? Cause it’s so ignorant, right? He’s being masculine. He doesn’t have sensitivities like that and lets just as blueprint, he loves you very much. And he said what he meant and he meant what he said as genuinely surprised that there was even an issue because, no, no, I know you heard her. Right? And so that’s the difference between having seventh power and having relationships. Seventh power. Her friend only understands demand relationship. Now here’s the thing I want to ask you, cause you know this already, if she followed her friend’s advice, would she be building up her marriage or breaking it down?

 

Stacey:             08:25 Because in the end, that’s the only thing that matters. When someone gives you advice, we’ll talk about advice in a minute. But when someone gives you advice, if you follow it, would you be building up your marriage or breaking it down? Because that’s the only thing that matters. Paul and I teach that there’s an upward spiral to your relationship and a downward spiral to your relationship. And of course they meet right in the middle, the point of nonresistance. And so all you need to ask yourself anytime you’re going to take action is, is this going to put me on the upward spiral of growth for my marriage? Or is this going to take me into a downward spiral of breaking down in my marriage? That’s the only thing that matters. That’s why Paul and I don’t give advice, by the way, and we’re gonna talk about it.

 

Stacey:             09:14 I think we’ve talked about advice and other bad guests. We don’t give advice at all. Can’t tell anybody what they should do. Nobody on this planet has the right to tell you what you should do in your life. It is your life. This is your only go round. Nobody else has your exact situation, your blueprint, your journey, your purpose. You’re the only one who could make that decision. All we do is show you the predictable patterns. These are the patterns that build up the relationship. These are the patterns that break it down. What you do with that, that’s entirely your decision and it’s a decision that everybody needs to make.

 

Paul:               09:52 You know, it’s really important to hear, to just point this out again too, cause it can get lost and feel like for this friend really misled this other friend, right? And that’s not the case and you know it and you’ve been that person too. I’m willing to bet, right? Best of intentions really loved her friend and from her good intentions and her good heart was trying to protect her friend, gave her incredibly bad advice that she would have accepted from a friend because she’s like, my friend loves me. She’s looking out for me. I’m in it right now. I can’t see this clearly, clearly. So let me just take this friend’s advice cause I know they care about me and then act upon it with some really detrimental outcome. So again, they’re just looking out for you. They just don’t know how to fix it themselves.

 

Paul:               10:31 So you have to be very clear about who you’re listening to. But I just wanted to show that, you know, we show up in relationship all the time with our partner, with our friends, with our kids, with the best of intentions. But if you’re not aware of the dynamics that are going on, and that’s what Stacey and I always do is peel back the layers on those dynamics. You can see them if you don’t see them, they impact your life in a negative way. And then we find ourselves wondering why things are so tough or why they went so wrong.

 

Stacey:             10:57 Remember, it’s not about intention, right? Just like Paul said, well-intentioned. They’re just looking out for you. In fact, your friends, your family, they just want to protect you actually, and they’ve run to the end of their skillset. They run to the end of their skill set. That’s all it is. First of all, you ran to the end of your skillset. That’s why you’re out there talking about your problem and asking a friend for advice. And then when someone runs to the end of their skill set, that’s when you hear their blueprint, their skillset. She’s like, Oh, he hurt your feelings. He’s a bully. You need to work on your confidence. You need to stand up to him. You need to challenge him. That’s her blueprint. That’s her skillset. How’s her relationship? You gotta be so careful who you listen to. It’s super important. If you’re listening to us today, the biggest takeaway I want you to get from this is to start learning how to, when someone has run to the end of their skillset and that first someone to look at is yourself. When you run to the end of your skillset, when someone else runs to the end of the skillset, be Oh so careful who you’re listening to at that moment.

 

Paul:               12:08 And another thing I’d say to this to that just help you with this is if you’re not quite clear, but you find yourself feeling like it’s a reaction, whether you’re having a reaction or someone’s telling you to do something as a reaction or defensive or defensiveness. I’m just telling me that red flag, you’re already are on the wrong path. Reactions rarely are the right ones, right? It’s kind of like they used to say, don’t send an email in an angry, and all these different things we do when we’re in a reactionary or a defensive mode, don’t typically come with the wisdom that’s needed to elevate the situation from where it was or where it is to something higher is just at best. Staying at that same lower level.

 

Stacey:             12:48 And if you’re thinking to yourself, okay, well then how do I know what’s bad advice? How do I know when my friend is? Maybe I should have listened to them, maybe I shouldn’t. How do I know? Look at their results when it comes to relationship, there’s only one question you need to ask. How many marriages have you saved? Like we’ve saved thousands like we’ve impacted thousands. We have a 1% divorce rate in our RelationshipYou Program like so how many have you saved or are you struggling in your own? So it’s interesting. Sometimes somebody who’s struggling in their own relationship and comes through our program will start to challenge me because it’s uncomfortable for them and they don’t want to do, you know, they don’t want to take the methodology or implement it. And I’ll say, you know, think to myself, that’s your choice. That’s totally your choice.

 

Stacey:             13:39 And someone starts telling me how we should do it differently, but that’s not, you shouldn’t do that in dah, dah, dah. I’m like, well, you know, I don’t know. Our methodology has saved a lot of marriages and you’re struggling to save your own. So when your friend comes to you with advice like that and she’s like, stand up to him, he’s being a bully, think to yourself, I don’t know how many marriages have you saved? I think you’re struggling to save your own. Do I really want to take that advice like the person who has $20 in their bank account, who’s giving you information on how you should invest your money? Do you really want to take that advice versus the person who’s already helped many, many, many, many, many people expand their wealth and they’ve are processed for it and it’s proven and they have huge results and people are thriving from it. That’s the person you want to be your mentor, so be so careful who you’re taking advice from.

 

Paul:               14:34 If you go back to, I believe it was the last podcast where we talked about going deep to, if anything, ask yourself, is that a person who’s gone deep in this area? And at minimum at least I hadn’t gotten results and gotten results, but at least they’re ahead of you. Right? And that’s really, there are so many ways to start looking at that, but be real. Oh, so careful about who you listen to. All right, so we need some steps. Let’s get some out there. So what can you start doing now? I like to emphasize now because as you heard in the previous podcast as well too, it’s what you implement that will make a change in your life. So what can you start doing now? One, stop. Stop asking someone for advice, whether they’re not the best expert in what you need them to help you with, right?

 

Paul:               15:15 Just stop. Take personal responsibility for your part in triggering them to give you advice, and bringing it up, or complaining, or asking them in the first place, cause you’re triggering them to give you this advice. Number two, notice. Notice how often you are using talking about your problems with others as a way to connect, or gain sympathy, or get them on your side so you hear some validation. Whatever else you have to be using for that, notice how often you may reach for that. And number three; up level. When it comes to a challenge that you’re having, up-level who you talk about that challenge with. Find the best of the best. Find the person who actually has solved this. If you don’t know that person, and most of us don’t just happen to be friends with that expert, then seek them out, join their program, join their group, get connected with them, so that you can get the wisdom of someone who’s gone deep, someone who is the expert, someone who actually has real value to offer you.

 

Stacey:             16:11 Two of our good friends, Brad and Ryan of CashflowTactics.com always say, invest in three things. Invest in your mindset, your skillset, and your network. Who you surround yourself with. Be super intentional about this. If you have an area of your life where you want solutions, you want the next level, you want growth, stop looking to your friends and family for this. Stop talking to your friends and family about this. Invest in your mindset. Invest in your skillset and invest in your network. That’s how you’ll grow. Hey, if you love the Relationship Transformer podcast, please share it with someone who needs to hear it. Take a screenshot of your phone and share it, and until next time, remember together we are changing the way relationship is done.

 

Outro:              16:59 Hey, would you like to get big results in your relationships in just 10 seconds a day? If so, then subscribe to our daily inspiration for relationship transformers or the D.I.R.T at www.MartinoPodcast.com/DIRT.

26: Your FRIEND is F’ing Up Your Life!

Relationship Transformers Podcast
Relationship Transformers Podcast
26: Your FRIEND is F'ing Up Your Life!
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25: Why Learning MORE Is Moving You Backward

In this episode, Paul and Stacey will talk about how learning more actually moves people backward in their relationships.

25: Why Learning MORE Is Moving You Backward

Relationship Transformers Podcast
Relationship Transformers Podcast
25: Why Learning MORE Is Moving You Backward
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24: Why Nothing Changes

In this episode, Paul and Stacey will share with you one of the biggest reasons why nothing changes for you.

24: Why Nothing Changes

Relationship Transformers Podcast
Relationship Transformers Podcast
24: Why Nothing Changes
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23: Hand of Vlad

In this episode, Paul and Stacey will share a clip of themselves teaching one of the most powerful tools LIVE during Relationship Breakthrough Retreat 2019. The session was all about the importance of recognizing and seizing opportunities whenever they present themselves to us.

23: Hand of Vlad

Relationship Transformers Podcast
Relationship Transformers Podcast
23: Hand of Vlad
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22: Why Living in Balance is Making You Miserable

We’ll share all about how the societal pressure to live in balance is making you miserable and creating crap results in this episode!

22: Why Living in Balance is Making You Miserable

Relationship Transformers Podcast
Relationship Transformers Podcast
22: Why Living in Balance is Making You Miserable
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21: When Your Spouse Tells The Kids Something You Do Not Agree With

In this episode, Paul and Stacey will share a clip from the Relationship Breakthrough Retreat during the live Q&A segment. A woman got up to ask a question about what she can do when her spouse tells their kids something that she absolutely does not agree with.

21: When Your Spouse Tells The Kids Something You Do Not Agree With

Relationship Transformers Podcast
Relationship Transformers Podcast
21: When Your Spouse Tells The Kids Something You Do Not Agree With
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20: Getting Your Way

In this episode, Paul and Stacey will share a clip of themselves teaching live at their recent RBR 2019 event.

20: Getting Your Way

Relationship Transformers Podcast
Relationship Transformers Podcast
20: Getting Your Way
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19: We Moved To Idaho

In this episode, Paul and Stacey will share their experience moving from Pennsylvania to Idaho. They’ll talk about how hectic it was to pack up and move across the country, and the numerous challenges that it presented for their business and personal lives.  

19: We Moved To Idaho

Relationship Transformers Podcast
Relationship Transformers Podcast
19: We Moved To Idaho
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18: Behind The Scenes Of The Relationship Breakthrough Retreat

What’s The Episode About:

In this episode, Paul and Stacey will talk all about the just concluded Relationship Breakthrough Retreat 2019. They will talk about what their favorite moments were, what the challenges were, how things went behind the scenes, and most importantly, the breakthroughs that different attendees experienced. 

Listen in to get that behind the scenes look at this life-changing event, get a feel of what it would have been like to attend, and get some tools you can use to build better relationships in your life. 

Key Points Discussed: 

  • The best delivery and breakthroughs at the RBR 2019 (01:00)
  • Delivering to the audience dynamically (03:07)
  • The five-step forgiveness process (05:06)
  • The four minute mile: From Can I? to How can I? (10:07)
  • The best event team in the world (15:10)
  • The breakthroughs that people share (18:16)
  • Walking in one way and walking out another (25:02)

Where Can I Learn More:

Have you signed up for The D.I.R.T. ?! http://bit.ly/2KlobXZ

When Did It Air:

August 22, 2019

Episode Transcript:

Disclaimer:  The Transcript Is Auto-Generated And May Contain Spelling And Grammar Errors Paul:               

Paul:               00:00 Hey Relationship Transformers, welcome to the Relationship Transformer Podcast. Today, Stacey and I are going to share our story of this year’s relationship breakthrough retreat live event. What our favorite moments were, what the challenges were, how things went behind the scenes, and most importantly, the breakthroughs that people attending this event had. So whether you were at this year’s RBR, or you missed it, this podcast is going to give you that behind the scenes look at this life changing event. So let’s queue up the intro and dive in.

 

Intro:              00:31 So the big question is this; How is it possible that one person alone can transform any relationship, save their marriage, create their unshakeable love, and unleash passion, divorce-proof their family, without needing their partner to get on board and do this with them, and yet still get to be happily, authentically you without compromise. That is the question and this podcast will give you the answer.

 

Stacey:             01:00 Alright. So we have literally just come off of delivering Relationship Breakthrough Retreat 2019. It was amazing, like literally, this is the sixth year that we’ve done RBR, and it was the best one ever. Like the best delivery, the best breakthroughs…

 

Paul:               01:17 Totally.

 

Stacey:             01:17 The highest level of fun. Like, it was just, I mean, obviously we’ve… you know, gotten a little better doing it every single year, and it’s always amazing, and the breakthroughs are always incredible, but this year was even to a next level. Even our students who were there that, like have been to three, four, five, six RBRs, all said like, this one was just a whole other level, was out of the park. And the level of breakthroughs that our students got were just unbelievable. Like that’s why it’s called Relationship Breakthrough Retreat, because it’s really about getting a total breakthrough to the next level in your relationship in just three days.

 

Stacey:             01:55 Like in just three days. Think about, like today, in the last three days, have you gotten a total breakthrough in your relationship to the next level? Probably not, you know, so that’s why people keep coming to Relationship Breakthrough Retreat every single year, year after year, because who doesn’t want to break through to the next level in their relationship, whether you’re saving a marriage, bringing passion back to a marriage, divorce proofing a great marriage and taking it to the next level, transforming your parenting, your work relationships, whatever it is, it’s about taking those relationships to the next level, taking yourself to the next level, because it really is, it’s transformative. So what were some of the awesome things about Relationship Breakthrough Retreat? Let’s start there. Like, let’s go behind the scenes. What were some of your favorite things?

 

Paul:               02:40 Well, some of my favorite things were, first of all, the crowd was amazing, you know, the… the people that come out to Relationship Breakthrough Retreat are totally awesome people. You can feel it when you’re in that group. We feel it from the stage. The interactivity with that group was amazing. So, honestly, I loved the audience, first of all, it was one of my favorites things.

 

Stacey:             02:56 Yes. Relationship transformers, you rock.

 

Paul:               02:58 Yeah. So the other thing too is, we won’t normally, you know, sort of pat ourselves on the back, but I will say that, you know…

 

Stacey:             03:06 Go ahead Paul. Pat us on the back.

 

Paul:               03:07 For anyone who sort of had to deliver in front of a crowd, do you know when it… when you’ve done it well, in the way that you wanted to, where you delivered for them in the way you were expected to deliver. And I will just say that, you know, having done this so many times now, that I feel like, first of all, you and I, how we interact, how we go back and forth, we just dynamically deliver. Stacey and I don’t need to be tied down to any structure on a regular basis. We can interact back and forth, and just deliver what the message was that we wanted, with the best of both of us. And I think that, this year, our interactivity between the both of us really was….

 

Stacey:             03:37 People kept commenting on that too though. It wasn’t just that we felt it right. It’s like even our team, our students were commenting on how, because that’s one of the greatest benefits by the way of coming to a live event with me. And Paul is sure you’re getting tools, you’re getting solutions, you’re also getting to see it live.

 

Paul:               03:56 Exactly.

 

Stacey:             03:57 Cause he’s my husband, I’m his wife, he’s a dude. I’m a girl. So you’re getting to actually see, see us live relationship development with each other up on stage, delivering 15 hours a day, three days in a row, not a lot of sleep. And we’re laughing and we’re gracious with each other and we’re supporting each other and we’re loving each other. Like you get to actually see it and experience it. And yeah, it was at a whole other level this year. I love that.

 

Paul:               04:25 Yeah. So I love that aspect. And truthfully, you know, we, again, we’ve done it so much that it seemed to be received by this amazing audience in the same way we had intended it to. We’ve done it so many times that we’re very clear about how to get that message through, how to get the breakthroughs that people need as part of that session, the way we intended it. And it seemed like everything was just hitting the sweet spot in the mark. So it resonated back the same way that we know we intended to deliver it. So from a personal level we feel like we hit the stride that we were looking to hit with them to give them those breakthroughs and it just meshed up perfectly. So I really enjoyed, you know, just how on target everything was and the kinds of breakthroughs people were getting on that event.

 

Stacey:             05:06 Yeah, it was incredible. I will say that one of my favorite moments, I’m trying to go back to like day one, day two, day three on day one. I think one of my favorite moments was the process that you took everybody through on night one through our forgiveness process. If you’ve never been through our five-step forgiveness process, Paul and I created this unique five time forgiveness process long, long time ago. It’s part of our eight step system for transforming any relationship and it’s totally different. It’s unlike anything else that’s ever been done. And actually that’s probably why it’s extremely effective. We’ve been using this process for years to help people release themselves, free themselves from things that they haven’t been able to forgive themselves and others about like could be something that they’ve been holding onto for 2030 years and be able to just release and be free.

 

Stacey:             05:53 And when you do that process with us, live in the and an immersion experience, you actually get the experience of really seeing it like in your nervous system, in your blueprint and in your body. And it’s just so powerful. It’s so freeing and so empowering and Paul is a huge part of taking our students through that process and watching you do that and seeing them have this unbelievable freedom that they did not walk in the door with that morning. To me, that’s just life changing. It always brings me to the most humble, grateful place of just being so grateful that we get to actually do that service for people.

 

Paul:               06:35 Yeah, I will say that I agree. Like I love that segment. Whenever we do that, I just love, you know, the outcome. I love seeing the transformations. So that is always a favorite of mine too. And I’d also say just for those, because we’re telling people what RBR is about, we’re trying to give them the behind the scenes look. Also want to point out that that is exactly one of the primary reasons why we do this live event is because we’re able to give people actual experiences. It’s not just like learning and cognitive. Yeah. This is just one example of the kinds of experiences that allow us to deliver something for everyone to give them a transformation on the spot. So in the moment, and that’s a perfect example of one of those times. So

 

Stacey:             07:10 yeah. Awesome. J one at RBR is clarity and freedom day and I think that just really like kept it off even though the breakthroughs all day long were crazy. Whether it was teaching them actually how to build trust. Like how do we build trust? It seems like one of like the eighth wonders of the world. Right? But we actually have a proven process for it and we went through that process on day one. Like there’s so many different things we did. Um, but to me day one, that was one of my favorite moments day to is masculine and Feminine Day. One of our favorite favorite days. And I would say on day two, one of my favorite moments, well I love the yellow brick road when we do the yellow brick road with our students and they share their inspirational stories. That to me is a game changer.

 

Stacey:             07:56 You know, I don’t know if you’ve ever heard this, the like four minute mile story guys ever heard that. Or like Roger Bannister was the first man to ever break the four minute mile before he had done that. No one had ever broken a four minute mile. And then once he did it, like the following year, I don’t know how many people, but like more than a dozen people also ran a four minute mile and broke his record. See, once you see that someone else has done it, it changes something in your belief system. Like before he had done that, people dreamed of it. People wondered if it was possible. Maybe some people even hoped that they would do it one day, but once he did it, all of those dreamings, all of those wondering, all of that possibility became, oh, it’s not just possible. It’s been done now are you going to do it?

 

Stacey:             08:44 And that’s what we do for people with our yellow brick road process where some of our students who’ve been through our relationship u program shared their stories of where they and where they are now. Like life changing stuff from like I was planning my escape with my kids while he was at work too. We are unshakable and I had no idea love could be like this. You know those kinds of stories take people from, I hope, I wonder is it possible to, oh no, it’s been done. It’s a proven process or do you want to do it? And there’s something about that level of belief that certainty that people get when they hear those stories. You can see it on their faces. That’s why I love what we do. I love relationship development because it’s not about hope. It’s not about wonders, not about possibility.

 

Stacey:             09:36 It’s proven. It’s been done. We have a 1% divorce rate in our relationship. You program, our students are lining up by the hundreds to share their stories and share their results because it’s been done and when you know that it’s like, oh, it has been done. I don’t have to hope now I just have to decide am I next? So I think that was one of my highlights, although we did tons of masculine, feminine south on that day. It really, really good tools and experiences since we did yellow brick road on the day. I think that was one of my favorites.

 

Paul:               10:07 Yeah, I wholeheartedly agree. And it’s such a powerful dynamic because you know that whole four minute mile, if you think about it right off the bat, some people are sitting there thinking, can I or is it possible as opposed to how can I, because somebody else already has. Yes. If you do that in any area of your life, you’ll start to already have different results because your mind is already in the right solution, right? You’re looking to support the solution. Like I know I can. How do I do that? So that is a powerful moment. I always love those yellow brick road moments as well to those segments. And

 

Stacey:             10:39 you know, it’s amazing. We get, obviously we get loads and loads of emails and comments and people reaching out to us every single day of every single week and the huge percentage of, oh my gosh, I love what you guys are doing, but I don’t know if that’ll work for me because of whatever is, it’s unbelievable. The number of emails and, and stories we received like that. People who were like, oh, I don’t know if that’ll work for me because I don’t know if it’s even possible for me because, and then when you see student after student after student, whether it’s getting over in a fair or a medical challenge or financial crisis or this with that, or not living together or you know, blended families and xs and all of these different, whatever it is. And I’ve maybe, I didn’t even name your particular family challenge, but we’ve pretty much run the gamut of all of them.

 

Stacey:             11:35 Whether it’s abuse in your past or a medical challenges now where a kid with special needs or all of the different things that we have to navigate as families. Like we’ve done that, we’ve solved those. As far as relationship solutions go, there’s really nothing we haven’t solved. So just so you know, like that’s why I love these four minute miles because then people are like, oh wow, like if that worked for them, like I’m not sitting here planning my escape while he was at work. Like it’s not like that. So clearly if that worked for her it will work for me. Like this kind of stuff just to me is so empowering. Also when you hear everybody else’s stories, as one of our students was quoted for saying years ago, you figure out really quickly that we all have the same crap. We all have the same crap.

 

Stacey:             12:25 There’s all kinds of stuff going on in everybody’s households and it’s not until we all come together in a safe space where people completely trust in the process of getting these solutions. Do you realize that, okay, like there are loads of people who are, have been navigating this thing with their kid. There are loads of people who are navigating this thing with their spouse. There are loads of people who are navigating this family of origin or this work drama or this or that. Like we all have the same crap and it’s empowering to know it’s not just you, it’s not just your partners, not just your kids. It’s families and there are solutions for it. So that part really speaks to me.

 

Paul:               13:01 What were one of the surprises of the event for you?

 

Stacey:             13:03 Oh my gosh. One of the surprises of the event, I would say, well, I’m going to say behind the scenes surprise because you know, obviously you can imagine there’s a lot that goes into producing this event. You know, our team works on this actually a whole year. They started working on RBR 2020 while we were at RBR 2019. Um, our whole team goes all in to deliver this event at a level that’s just beyond, beyond and they always do such an amazing job. But to me, one of the beautiful surprises of this event that I didn’t really know what was going to happen was from our ru leadership team, we have our leaders from our U, they volunteer to contribute their time to serve our communities because they’ve gotten so much life changing results from relationship you that they step up to contribute. And one of the ways that they contribute is by serving at our live events to serve all of our attendees, to take great care of them, to make sure that they’re having the best possible events, attend to all the things and and participate on the event team and all that.

 

Stacey:             14:07 And our, are you leadership team? They’re also the same people by the way, supporting you and the relationship transformer Facebook group and answering your questions and giving you the guidance and sharing those insights because they’ve journeyed this for like one, two, three, four, five, six years of relationship development and different levels of mastery. And so they’re the ones that show up every day in our Facebook groups and support people and they also show up at our live event and maybe some of them have touched your life already, right? If you’ve posted questions and stuff like that. And our relationship transformer Facebook group, the ru leadership are the ones who are there stepping up to serve you. And they’re with me in there every single day and they showed up at our event. They always do and they do an amazing job. But this year man, all my gosh, the ru was like on fire this year at the event they took the whole thing to the next level from there, energy of celebration and humor and passion to their service, to caring for every attendee, making sure everything went smoothly, like the ru leadership super stepped up at this event.

 

Stacey:             15:10 And just took the entire event experience to a whole other level, not just for us, but for the attendees too. People keep saying, I was like, oh my gosh, your event team is unbelievable. Like these are the greatest people I’m having the best time. And I just want to say, are you leadership? You Rock, you did an amazing job. That was one of the surprises of the event. Yeah. For me that I really, really love.

 

Paul:               15:33 Yeah, I agree wholeheartedly. They were amazing. And then at the same time we also get those unpleasant surprises, you know, we call them the Kerfuffles so I can think of one. You know, there’s always something that goes wrong, but I will say that I’m grateful for the things that went wrong this year. You know, in past years we’ve had kerfuffles which meant the hotel air conditioning broke and so there’s a lot warmer in there than we wanted.

 

Stacey:             15:56 Yeah. That was the last, not this year, but two years ago and last year the hotel air conditioning broke while we were in the event. And Wu, you don’t like a warm event room. We got it fixed, like they brought everything in and got it fixed. But yeah, we didn’t have that this year. So grateful for no braking.

 

Paul:               16:13 Yeah. You know, the kind of Kerfuffles we had this year were, you know, we did this new thing where we just started working out. It’s an experiential as part of the event. And we were stacking these bricks right on stage, not real bricks. Boy.

 

Stacey:             16:28 You know how you build the paper bricks with your kids, the ones you get a box and you fold them cardboard blocks and you make like bricks. We were using bricks like that on stage and we were building [inaudible]

 

Paul:               16:39 stack them up. And for those of you who haven’t been on one of those stages, there are individual segments. And as it turns out, if you stepped on the one segment on this one, like a little bit of the other side lifts up. So here we’re stacking up this wall across several segments of the stage and any walking causes instability. So as we’re doing it, as I’m speaking, parts of the wall were falling down perfectly for being a brick wall experiential. To a big giant game of Jenga and a lot of laughter from the audience, which we, you know, which happens and it’s perfect cause you know, we don’t have to be perfect here. It was a concept that was going through and everybody had a good time with it. You know, when things go wrong, you know, it’s one of the things we teach. You don’t have to get all out of whack about it or if you’re like, oh that had to be perfect. No, it’s real life. Right. So anyway, it was one of those funny kerfuffles that came up during the event that I actually enjoyed.

 

Stacey:             17:26 Awesome. So one thing that I wanted to share today too, as part of this podcast is every year when we do this event on the last day, Poland, I send an email out to every single attendee. It’s called the we love you email them. It’s basically saying, oh my gosh, you plead fill out, you did it. We’re celebrating you and we love you. We love you for being the hero for your family, for stepping up and saying, yes, you are one of the few who did versus the many who talk. You were there, you transformed yourself and your family’s legacy is forever change the trajectory of your family because you were at relationship breakthrough retreat on behalf of your children and your children’s children. I am thanking you for making this world a better place by being, they’re like, we love you. And hit reply and tell us what was your biggest takeaway from the event?

 

Stacey:             18:16 Because we’d love to hear from you. And one of my favorite things to do after this event is to sit and read all of the emails that come back. My team compiles them and Paul and I read every single one. Man. It’s always like, it’s just an elated moment. I have tears of joy and impact and laughter a lot of the Times too. And I never actually shared any of the breakthroughs that people share, their takeaways, the greatest takeaway that they got. And that was the question. So we wanted to share a few of those with you because that’s really like just to experience the power of it and what’s possible. So I’ll read a couple of these. This one is from Shawna and she said, when my friend Theresa told me she was doing this program, I was already fascinated about how much her language had changed.

 

Stacey:             19:06 She talked a little about demand relationship, but I was a little confused until you and Paul laid it all out. I know for sure I’m in a demand relationship and really blown away to realize how much I have contributed to it by either pleasing my man or flipping my switch and taking on the power role. I also realized how much, I’m not approaching my husband with feminine energy, but rather using words like unacceptable and that’s not how we treat each other. I’m really looking forward to trying out some new skills. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Your program is magnificent. Oh, we’re psyched for you Shauna. You are so welcome. See if we share another one. All right, awesome. This one says, you’ve invited me into a higher elevation of seeing and living in this world. I’ve regained hope for myself and for humanity. Just thinking about the possibilities of your vision for this movement being realized.

 

Stacey:             20:02 That’s awesome. Awesome, and this one from Nadia. My biggest takeaway is that a lot of people are in the same situation and that it can be turned around by just one person doing the work with the support of this tribe, the tools you presented, video clips and just watching the two of you interact on stage has put confidence in me that I can do this for my family and I have the tools and support necessary to make my relationships the best they can be. That’s awesome. Awesome. Oh, I love this one. This one’s from Dennis. He said, I observe a lot and watching you and Paul together and apart watching the other people you had already affected and were newly teaching, hearing your message, it eventually reached me. I’ve been following my path of growth always for my family. They are everything to me and they are my purpose.

 

Stacey:             20:53 I want to leave a complete legacy for them. I want to help others. I got so focused on growing my business and wanted more of that and self-growth from a business centric perspective, I realized you guys could offer me a path from a family and people centric perspective. So I did it. I committed my growth to your methods. I can relate to both of you and admire you both in different ways. I don’t want to be the nice guy. It’s not who I am. I want to be the good guy. I want to be nice, but not the nice guy. As Paul says, Paul reached me with words like honor and integrity. Last words. In this day and age, I may be rough or intense or whatever else they say, but honor and integrity are the first two bricks in my foundation, Paul, and you reflected those values, wore them proud and spoke them loud. I read your faces as you watched the videos, demonstrating your values while others watch the videos. I watched your faces. Ultimately what I saw in your faces sold me more than most anything else. Oh, and you also made me laugh, so I figured, what the hell I’m going to jump all in.

 

Stacey:             22:08 I love that. I love that too. This one’s from Andrea. She said there were so many takeaways from me. I realized I haven’t been all in my whole life. I realized I had been judging my husband for his differences because I didn’t understand them. Anyone relate to that? I realized that I do have the power to change our relationship and I realized that changing myself will change my life and those around me for the better. That’s awesome. Awesome. Janine wrote in and she said, dear Stacy and Paul, thank you so much for an amazing, informative three days. It was such a gift to me and my husband. I’m so happy that I opened that email from Chris work and it was perfect timing too. My biggest takeaway from the treat was to stop pleasing and compromising to operate from my heart and not fear to remove blame and take personal responsibility even if it’s not my fault, and to remove triggers and raise my resistance set point.

 

Stacey:             23:05 It was so wonderful to witness your great love and respect for one another as well as your commitment and your team’s commitment to helping others with your mission. I’m excited to begin a new with much love and fangs. Oh, I love it. I love it. They go on and on and on. Stephanie wrote in, she said, my biggest takeaway for me was to stay out of accidental alignment and get those systems in place. Thanks to both you and Paul for an amazing RBR. I feel shifted, renewed and on fire for the changes to come. Um, these go on and on and on. Lakshmi wrote in, Hi Stacy and Paul. I’m not sure how you both do this, but the last three days were the second best days of my life, only next to my honeymoon. My biggest takeaway was you need an alignment first in every relationship and scarcity of time is an illusion.

 

Stacey:             23:56 I walked in thinking my relationship is hanging by a thread only to realize as I shifted, I am only just in a passion, less relationship and I have time to fix it myself. Everything that Paul mentioned about mature, masculine serving and purpose. My husband shows up in that energy every day and I have somehow failed to see all of that. Clearly my protective fake masculine wasn’t helping me either. Overall, I’m back home with three major realizations. One, my husband is mature masculine too. My husband is in my left hand and three, I need an alignment on household processes so I don’t get triggered all day long and p s I have a list of brick conversations ready to go so I’m ready to get the first one done. Thank you. Thank you. Love you both. And these go on and on. I’ve got stacks and stacks of them. I just love these results.

 

Paul:               24:46 Me too. I mean that’s what we do at forest is just so people can have that transformation in their life, own it and just, you know, shortcut what would have been years and years and years of unnecessary suffering into the trajectory of transforming that relationship. So love it.

 

Stacey:             25:02 Every single person that attended that event, as Paula wee says, walked in one way and walked out another, transformed, not like learned a ton of stuff and now I have to go apply it, walked in one way and walked out another for themselves, their spouse, their family, like every relationship will be transformed. And that is just, that’s what we’re here for. That’s the mission of relationship development. That’s why we do what we do.

 

Paul:               25:27 Yup. All right. So at this point we always want to close with something, right? You want to take some kind of an action. So the action steps for today is what can you start doing now? Well, I think you might want to get on that wait list for the RBR too when he 20 and you can do [email protected] and on the next episode, Stacy and I are going to walk you through some of the craziest weeks of our lives. Now I’ll just say we do crazy stuff. Um, and we move at the speed of light, uh, often. And you know those around us know like it’s hard to keep up at times. So you know, this next podcast is going to be informative and you’ll learn some things from it. But it’s about our move to Idaho just days after the RBR live event. We’re going to walk you through some of our journey is a little bit crazy at times and share the good, the bad and the ugly about the move.

 

Paul:               26:17 And the interesting thing that our movers and packers and organizers said about our family and the learning lessons around this, because you know, like everything in life, there’s so much that could be learned or not learned and result in some negative outcomes. So by sharing some of our story, we want to help some people using our own life, which is what we typically do so that you don’t have to incur the same challenges and learn from us, but also get the real gift that life had intended from any experiences that seem challenging or you know, like we say the good, the bad and the ugly about the move. Like there’s reasons for those things. So you want to tune in and get those gifts about our journey. It’s not just us talking about our move as if we love our move. You know, we’re here for you. It’s not about us. So definitely you want to tune into that one and get the guests for yourself. Yeah.

 

Stacey:             27:05 Awesome. If you love the relationship transformer podcast, take a screenshot of your phone, share it, and get it out there for the other families who need to hear it too. Until next time, remember together we are changing the way relationship is done.

 

Outro:              27:24 Okay. Are you ready to catapult your relationship forward to the next level in just three days, surrounded by relationship transformers on the journey with you? Then go grab your live event tickets at RelationshipBreakthroughRetreat.com, and we will see you.

18: Behind The Scenes Of The Relationship Breakthrough Retreat

Relationship Transformers Podcast
Relationship Transformers Podcast
18: Behind The Scenes Of The Relationship Breakthrough Retreat
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17: What If My Kid Wants To Quit?

In this episode, Paul and Stacey will answer a question about what to do when one’s kid wants to quit something and how to address it.

17: What If My Kid Wants To Quit?

Relationship Transformers Podcast
Relationship Transformers Podcast
17: What If My Kid Wants To Quit?
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16: My Kid Is Triggering Me (And Everyone In The House)

In this episode, Paul and Stacey will be tackling the question of how to handle your kid when he or she triggers you. This is something that happens to every parent, and the biggest reason why parents can’t seem to find a solution to that problem is that they think that “fixing the kid” is the key, but it’s not.

16: My Kid Is Triggering Me (And Everyone In The House)

Relationship Transformers Podcast
Relationship Transformers Podcast
16: My Kid Is Triggering Me (And Everyone In The House)
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15: Why Go To Live Events

In this episode, Paul and Stacey are going to talk about the power of immersion events in profoundly changing a person’s life versus just general learning. Learning is important and can be resourceful but people usually tend to forget whatever they learn with time, but when they attend an event on what is important to them, they get to both learn and experience, and it’s the experience that sticks with them their entire lives.

15: Why Go To Live Events

Relationship Transformers Podcast
Relationship Transformers Podcast
15: Why Go To Live Events
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14: Fights Every Couple Will Have

In this episode, Paul and Stacey are going to dive into the most common fights that all couples have.

14: Fights Every Couple Will Have

Relationship Transformers Podcast
Relationship Transformers Podcast
14: Fights Every Couple Will Have
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13: What Women Think About Men

What’s The Episode About:

In this episode, Stacey is going to talk about the feminine, and how women unknowingly get stuck in a dynamic that exhausts them, makes them feel miserable, causes kerfuffle, and zaps the passion right out of their marriage. Most women don’t understand how the masculine is wired, and so they tend to expect their men to react like women to different situations, and when they don’t, they get upset about it which causes a rift between them. Stacey will teach you how to stop looking at your man from a feminine lens, so that you can relate to him in a way that builds your relationship instead of breaking it down.

Key Points Discussed: 

  • The feminine does not understand the masculine (01:17)
  • Women judging men through the filter of what other women would do (04:06)
  • The masculine is not wired for connection and support (05:46)
  • Emotional spikes trigger a fight or flight reactive need in men for order (10:08)
  • Stacking and how it causes unnecessarily higher levels of reaction (15:53)
  • Judgment doesn’t build relationships (19:05

Where Can I Learn More:

Get your ticket to the next Relationship Breakthrough Retreat here: http://bit.ly/rbr_podcast

When Did It Air:

July 18, 2019

Episode Transcript:

Disclaimer:     The Transcript Is Auto-Generated And May Contain Spelling And Grammar Errors

 

Paul:               00:00 Hey relationship transformers. Welcome to the Relationship Transformer podcast. On today’s episode, Stacey is going to talk about the feminine, and how women unknowingly get stuck in a dynamic that exhausts them, makes them feel miserable, causes a kerfuffle, and it zaps the passion right out of the marriage. This one is so powerful, so you don’t want to miss this one. So let’s queue up the intro and dive in.

 

Intro:              00:25 So the big question is this; How is it possible that one person alone can transform any relationship, save their marriage, create their unshakeable love, and unleash passion, divorce-proof their family, without needing their partner to get on board and do this with them, and yet still get to be happily, authentically you without compromise. That is the question and this podcast will give you the answer.

 

Paul:               00:54 Alright, so on the last episode, we talked about how men misunderstand women because they’re blind basically to how women are wired, and that leads to a lot of unnecessary kerfuffles. So let’s dive into the feminist side of this. Stacey, does this dynamic show up for the feminine too? So all this stuff we talked about last time, like you know, help us see, are women blind to how men are wired?

 

Stacey:             01:17 Oh my gosh. So much so. Right. The feminine does not understand the masculine. And even if at some point we totally get that we’re different, something happens. It’s very interesting when we get into a long-term relationship, even though like, you could watch any sitcom in the world, and see the differences between masculine and feminine, and haha, isn’t that funny? And so we know that and yet we get into this long-term relationship and there’s some kind of like long-term commitment hypnosis that goes on where all of a sudden we’re like, “Why are you doing this wrong? Why are you saying that?” The majority of women get upset with their men because he’s saying or acting in a way that no woman would unless she was a bitch. Right? So, and that’s because she really doesn’t understand how men are wired, so she’s applying these false meanings to what she experiences with them because something happens to us and we start observing our men with the filter of like, “Who would say that? Why would you do that? Why aren’t you doing this?”

 

Stacey:             02:19 Like we’re observing what they’re thinking, what they’re saying, what they’re doing or not by our own filter of what a woman would do or say or think in that same moment. So, just like men, women are so sure that they’re right. We get so righteous about, “That was not the right thing to do. That was not the right thing to say.” And so women get stuck in the, “He’s being mean, or he’s not supporting me, or he doesn’t do anything, or he’s not doing what I need him to do.” In fact, I’ll give you an example. This literally just happened, I think yesterday, a brand new student in our quick start program asked us how she could not be triggered by what just happened with her husband. I lead… I love their quick surgery, they know enough.

 

Stacey:             03:07 They’re like, “Please help me see this differently. How can I not be triggered by this?” Right? She said that something happened to her during her day that had her break down in tears. She was completely distraught. She called her husband at work in the middle of the day crying, and he got very abrupt with her, and shut her down. He told her that he was about to go into an important meeting, and her outburst was completely inappropriate, and that she can’t call him at work with emotional outbursts like this. And she was coming to us because she was labeled him as being so mean. Not just abandoning her in her time of need, but criticizing her for having emotional needs, for breaking down, something that she felt she couldn’t control, and wait, because later, she said when he came home, he didn’t even come to her to… or even check in with her to see how she is holding up. And she didn’t think she could forgive him and she didn’t know how their marriage could really ever change, because this was pretty much how it was all the time.

 

Paul:               04:06 So, in this example, she was totally what judging him through the filter of what any other woman would have done in that moment. And it’s so funny, like this example mirrored something and happened to us early on in our dating, our relationship where something similar happened to me at my work. And I’ll just say just to keep it short, I’m not going to go into the whole thing. My response to Stacey when she called at the time I was a manager of information systems and I, it was a similar situation. Like I had to go, I had a really tight timeline and I was used to like people being at my door with requests and I’d have to drop what I did at and go handle that at the office. And I remember one time Stacey called me with something similar and I said, look, is this an emergency? Because if it is called 911, because if it is an emergency, I can’t get there in time anyway. So you know, handle that. Uh, cause I got stuff going on here. Don’t call me at work with this kind of stuff. Yes. Ladies stand back. I’m a prize, but the truth is, again, she’s thinking that this is her partner, but I can tell you as a masculine man without the understanding, it makes sense to us.

 

Stacey:             05:12 Yeah. So she just does not understand how the masculine is wired and she’s upset because he didn’t react like a woman would, you know? For the most part, if she had called her best friend in that moment, if her best friend was feminine, you know, she’d offer support in that situation. Right. If it were her friend, you might hear something like, oh my Gosh Sweetie, I’m so sorry I can’t do this right now because I have to go into the stupid meeting. But you’re amazing. I love you and I will call you as soon as I get done right. And the feminine would come home and seek her out and be like, how are you holding up sweetie? Like how is this going? Where are we with this? Like the feminine is wired for connection and support. I would do that for my friend. I do that for my friends.

 

Stacey:             05:53 Like that’s how the feminine supports the feminine. Like, I love, you’re amazing. We’ll handle this. I’ve got you. Like, this is what we do. And the feminine does that without any problem. Right? Guaranteed any woman would jump to her side and further solidify to her that her partner’s an ass and that she shouldn’t put up with that crap. Right? Like if she went to her girlfriend that day and told her girlfriend, and he hung up on me and he said, I can’t, she’d be like, who’s that? I would never do that to you. Right. Just like we talked about in the last episode, it’s not hard for the feminine to see a dynamic the same way as another feminine. We have the same lenses, we would think pretty much the same way about things. We see the world through the same model and then the last episode where Paul spoke to the men, right? Any man would’ve supported just like he just did. Like I did that.

 

Paul:               06:45 I did the same thing basically years ago without the awareness. And I would just say, if we use the masculine filter on this, because you can see it wasn’t just this one guy, right. It’s a case where men wouldn’t do that to the other guy. So we would judge it through a man’s filter. There’s a man want to go back to this guy later being like, I’m so sorry I didn’t connect with you on that and support you on that. You’re like, well, how are you holding up? Where are you? Where are you now with this? No. He would have had that same perspective of like, don’t call me with this dude, handle that, get it done. And you know, don’t bring that to me when I’m at my work. So it’s a different filter

 

Stacey:             07:21 and this is why we don’t allow blame or taking sides in our relationship development methodology because even with the best of intentions, when people take sides, all they’re doing is further locking in the misunderstanding of the opposite energy, whether masculine or feminine. When your girlfriend takes your side and says, oh my gosh, what an ass, he shouldn’t have said that to you. Or when a guy takes Paul side or our man’s side and says, what are crazy pants like? What is she interrupting you in the middle of your day? You have to deal with that, shut that down. That just further locks in the misunderstanding of the opposite energy. Right? So in the example above, it’s just invisible to this woman that her man is wired completely differently than she is. And so she’s going to apply a false meaning like he’s mean or I’m not his priority. And unfortunately possibly come to a dangerous assumption that I’m not sure there’s any hope for us when the truth is that from my perspective and Paul’s perspective, he was operating like any untrained guy would do.

 

Paul:               08:29 Yeah. And again, if she swaps him out for the next guy, she’s going to be very disappointed within a few months when she faces a lot of these same dynamics.

 

Stacey:             08:37 So unless of course next time she picks more feminine man so that he is more like what she thinks she really wants. So until she realizes that she really does not want a more feminine man, because everything she craves about the masculine is missing. There’s nothing wrong with the feminine. There’s nothing wrong with the masculine. One is right and one isn’t wrong. We’re different. If cats judged a dog by how well he was being a cat, that would not go very well for the cat or the dog. If dogs judge cats by how well they were being dogs, both the dog and the cat would be really disappointed with the outcome. It’s the same for masculine and feminine. You love the opposite of you. If you’re feminine, you love the masculine in him. If he is masculine, you love the feminine and you crave the piece that the opposite brings you, and if you want to stop having kerfuffle with it, you must learn to understand how it’s wired. Now, I can’t go into all the ways the masculine is wired here, but just as one example, the masculine is not emotional. They value steadiness.

 

Paul:               09:48 Yeah, and said definitely. Perhaps we don’t value the emotional component. We value a steadiness. Yeah, so in other words, look at it this way. When we’re in a situation and an emotional spike happens, like suddenly there’s like again, there was an emotional outburst on this call, right? There was a lot of emotion being brought on this call to this guy who was at his work, right? And when emotional spikes happen, most masculine men get triggered into like a fight or flight reactive need to get things back into order. Right away it’s wired into the masculine energy that we want to shut down. Anything that looks like it’s getting out of control from an emotional perspective and bring it back down into an orderly manner. It feels like an imperative. Like in other words, it feels like the need to protect everyone by quelling the outbursts.

 

Paul:               10:36 So in other words, we don’t want it to get out of hand. So we try to shut it down because masculine energy typically shows up in a very steady state. And the only time that that will shift and spike is if there’s something really wrong. So what triggers a response in us? We’re like, something must be really wrong. We’ve got to bring things back under control, or people are gonna die, right? Like, it triggers this reaction in us where we feel like we need to shut this down before, you know, basically something terrible happens. So it triggers a response in us that clearly was not one of, Oh man, it must be terrible. I’m so sorry. How are you doing with this? You can see how it’s an entirely different world and yet it’s a trigger that you’re going to find with masculine energy.

 

Stacey:             11:16 And by the same token, like the opposite side, when a woman has a really strong emotional spike as a feminine woman, the meaning that I take from that is like, oh my gosh, she is really upset about something. She needs me right now. I have to support her. This is important, right? Totally different blueprint. Totally different reaction. And it’s so misunderstood when women are really passionate about something, when like even when a woman goes to her husband and be like, you would not believe the way that bitch talk to me today at work, I am going to kill her. Like she’s on my last nerve. And immediately he’s, um, another blueprint that men have is if you’re being highly emotional about something, you can’t also be highly rational about this. So I’m not necessarily going to even value what you’re telling me right now because this much emotion means you can’t possibly be rational about it at the same time.

 

Stacey:             12:10 Right? Man, that’s a masculine false belief because they don’t have that. Men Don’t get highly emotional about something and stay rational about it at the same time right there, that single focus. So they have these false beliefs because they’re viewing you through a masculine lens. We do the same thing with them. We view them through a feminine Lens. And so when this woman called her husband at work and he reacted that way, she viewed it through a feminine Lens that it doesn’t surprise, you know, like it doesn’t surprise me personally that he tried to shut her down because that’s a typical masculine. But for her, she viewed it as, you know, he’s being mean to her like there’s no hope for this. It was her time of need and he wasn’t there for her. Like all her feminine Lens Meanings were attached to that and this is what I really want you to get from this because I, I help people navigate relationships all day, every day.

 

Stacey:             13:06 What matters here is what’s the story that each person takes away from this exchange? Listen Up. This is really, really critical because the story impacts what happens next. Now, in this example, her story was he can’t be there for me when I need him and I’m not sure there’s any hope for us. Now his possible story from the same situation might have been, I can’t deal with this childishness anymore. When I’m trying to do my job, she has to stop this. This can’t continue. Now my story from this situation is this is a man and a woman who have no idea how the other person is wired and how to relate to them in a way that builds their relationship instead of breaks it down. Now here’s the key. Get this. Each of these stories leads to a very different outcome. Her story leads her to want to give up.

 

Stacey:             14:03 His story leads him to want to demand that she change or give up. My story leads to getting a real relationship education and getting the tools to fix this going forward. So what story are you going to take from this? The next time you have a kerfuffle with your partner, are you going to walk away with her story, with his story or with my story? Only one of these leads you to creating an unshakeable love. We have tools to solve these challenges. Every family deserves these solutions. Now there’s another huge problem for the feminine that results from this dynamic. And I want to just address that again as part of understanding the Feminine Lens. And that is the stacking of hurts, disappointments and upsets. This is something that the masculine doesn’t really have to navigate as much as the feminine. And this is tremendous. So I’m sure guys, this is completely off your radar.

 

Stacey:             15:03 And ladies, you might not be validating this part of you, but this is absolutely the feminine and how it’s wired. And there’s nothing wrong with it. As the feminine goes through Life Without this training that we’re talking about. And what we teach, they have more and more upsets because she’s blind to the masculine dynamic. So she starts stacking more upsets and it starts impacting her and how she relates to him. Like the building of the wall that Paul talked about in one of our passion episodes on the podcast. If you haven’t heard that, definitely go back and listen. So both the masculine and the feminine are blind to the fundamentals of this dynamic. Although most of you have experienced it and you don’t like it, right? This builds for her and as this builds for her, she stops feeling supported and she stops feeling connected.

 

Stacey:             15:53 So the more disappointments, the more frustrations, the more her feelings get hurt, the more she feels upset or frustrated, the more it starts to stack for her and she walks away from it not knowing how to make it better and so it stacks and then the next time it happens, it stacks on top of that and the next time it happens at stacks on top of that. And the way that she’s relating to her man starts to become a factive by how much stacking is going on of these upsets. In fact, guys, I’m quite sure that you have experienced this and you don’t like it where her level of reaction to you completely does not match the level of the moment at hand. Right? Sometimes she has a reaction that feels like it’s a level 10 reaction to something that feels like it should have been a level three moment and very often it’s because she’s stacking.

 

Stacey:             16:50 This is just one more example of how you don’t support me. This is just one more example of how I feel. I’m on my own here. This is just one more example of how you’re not listening to me. You don’t get it. You don’t understand what I’m going through. When a woman is, does not understand how the masculine is wired and starts applying these false beliefs to his actions, to his speaking to her, it starts to stack. Now I can hear you. I could feel you right now. So many in the feminine, because I hear this all the time like, no, I’m telling you what I’m right. He is really a jerk like there.

 

Paul:               17:28 The righteous indignity. Yeah. Yeah. And just to use it as an example, I mean I bet a lot of women who heard that story earlier really struggled with this. Like, no, there’s no way you can possibly say there’s no excuse for that and he’s just a jerk and I don’t care if you want to call it masculine or not is a jerk. Right. I also want to say that that sort of desire, that steadiness, that we value, that desire to quell things that rise. One of the things I also know about the feminine is they love that their man can be the rock. Yep. If he was one who valued or didn’t have that desire for steadiness or to quell things that get out of control and bring back order, he wouldn’t be able to be Iraq.

 

Stacey:             18:09 There’s a gift in every difference that we have. Every difference between the masculine and feminine is a gift that you love and it comes with crap that you don’t like because you don’t like the differences and it’s just a skillset that you’re not appreciating. I will just tell you, cause I used to be that woman calling my husband on the phone and receiving the same crap on the other end and when I realized that I was actually being phenomenally inconsiderate and I was being an ass for interrupting my husband’s Day with an emotional outburst, while he’s focused on work and trying to do what he feels is his job for our family, which is provide, I started to take a look at myself and I realized, holy crap, I cannot believe what an ass I just was and it was simply because I didn’t understand how he was wired.

 

Stacey:             19:05 I didn’t appreciate and value and allow for him and the differences within him. Any time you experience a difference, like Paul was just saying like, nope, that guy’s just a jerk. There is no excuse for that. That is a judgment. By the way, if you want to remember to look at your demand relationship versus relationship development chart, you could remember where judgment falls on that chart. It doesn’t build up relationships. You can judge all you want, but people are wired differently. Your way is not the only right way. There’s a lot of amazing people on this planet and everybody’s wired the way that they’re wired. That doesn’t make it right or wrong. It’s about us gaining and appreciation and evolving to understand. So as I understood the masculine and his ability to have single focus and his need for things to have order, I started to be able to learn the tools, not to try to be like him, which I think is what most people think.

 

Stacey:             19:59 Oh, so now I just have to start being like him. No, no, no, no, no. But I learned how to be able to bring myself to him in a way that was timed well and a way that I was able to tell him, hey, I’m really, really emotional about this and I need to get these emotions out and I need you to just be there for me for a minute for me to do that. It doesn’t mean there’s something urgent you’re off to fix anything. Like I learned the skills of how to speak to my husband where he was like, oh, okay, that’s, you have that need. What do you need from me? What can I do? And because I also built rapport with my husband, I could talk to him about what I need. It doesn’t mean that you can’t get your needs met. It just means that you can’t do everything from a feminine rapper and you can’t apply a feminine, just a feminine wrapper to your man.

 

Stacey:             20:47 It’s about understanding and appreciating the masculine and learning. So the number one result of that is you can stop applying the false meanings that you’re giving to what he’s doing when he’s just being a guy. And it’s actually a very predictable pattern. Instead of feeling emotionally hurt or upset by things. When you learn these predictable patterns, you can start to see it. There’s tremendous relief in that. Like, okay, that’s a predictable pattern. I know what’s coming. I get it. It’s not about me. It’s not personal. It’s just that he is wired that way. Just like some people are wired to move and talk fast and some people are wired to move and talk. Slow. One is not right. One is not wrong, but if you’re really needing the other person to be more like you, you’re screwed. It’s about learning to appreciate the gifts that each of us bring and what happens is over time as these upsets and these false meanings and these takeaway stories that the feminine holds onto built, we build more hurt, we build more upset, we stack and the more that we stack, it starts to impact how we relate to him.

 

Stacey:             21:56 It starts to impact how much we feel like giving to him or how we start withholding from him and we stop feeling supported. We stop feeling connected and it starts getting into a pattern that ends up exhausting her, makes her miserable, causes kerfuffle, and Zaps the passion from a marriage. And so ladies, the key is to start understanding how the masculine is wired and accepting that it’s different. Not Better, not worse, but accepting it. All right? So here’s some action steps that you can start doing now to start getting results. Number one, notice, notice where you are judging him based upon how you would think what you would do or how you would be. This is your opportunity to ask yourself how many times you’re making judgments about his behavior. When you have a Kerfuffle, just look at it and be honest with yourself. Three, ask yourself if you believe no one else would do that.

 

Stacey:             23:00 Well, no, well behaved woman would. But if you want to live a life with a man, you need to understand the masculine dynamic. All right, so in the next episode we’re going to dive into the most common fights that all couples have. Yes. I said it all couples. I don’t care how amazing your marriages or how amazing you think someone else’s marriages without the tools that we’re going to talk about in the next episode. All couples will fight about this. That’s what we’re diving into next. So until next time, remember if you got value out of this episode, screenshot your phone, share it on social media. Help us with the ripple effect of taking this mission to every family that deserves these solutions, these results, because together we are changing the way relationship is done.

 

Outro:          23:53 Okay? Are you ready to catapult your relationship forward to the next level, in just three days, surrounded by relationship transformers on the journey with you? Then go grab your live event tickets at RelationshipBreakthroughRetreat.com, and we will see you.

13: What Women Think About Men

Relationship Transformers Podcast
Relationship Transformers Podcast
13: What Women Think About Men
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12: Paul Speaks To The Men

In this episode, Paul, with Stacey’s support, will be speaking directly to men, and women too, about how men see relationships.

12: Paul Speaks To The Men

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Relationship Transformers Podcast
12: Paul Speaks To The Men
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11: STOP Being a Pleaser, it’s Not Helping!

In this episode, Paul and Stacey will take on one of the most common and pervasive relationship killers, and it’s called pleasing. This isn’t just about love relationships, because when a person is a pleaser in any of their relationships, they are most likely pleasing in many of their relationships, and that actually causes way more damage than good. 

11: STOP Being a Pleaser, it’s Not Helping!

Relationship Transformers Podcast
Relationship Transformers Podcast
11: STOP Being a Pleaser, it’s Not Helping!
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